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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not really understand the objection?

61 replies

FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 11:41

Whenever I go out for a night out, it's always a MASSIVE deal to dh. I have to prepare to ask him because I know there will be hours of huffyness.

I don't go out without him that often, maybe once every 4/5 weeks and when I do I am very rarely out past 1am.
If he wants to go out I always say 'yeah sure have a nice time' I'll ask him a rough time he'll be home but that's just so I know, that's not me telling him to be home by a certain time.

When I ask to go out I get 'oh I thought we were going to be spending the evening together? We never see each other' (not true, I see him every evening after work obviously, not really sure how much more time we can spend together without him quitting his job?!) and usually I'll say ok fine I won't go, then I'll get a huffy 'no its fine, what time will you be back? It won't be past midnight will it? Why don't you get the half 11 bus. Can you make sure you're on that bus' etc and then he'll be in a mood until I go out, but say he's not.

He recently went on a business trip (like team building type thing) in a very posh, nice hotel. I stayed at home with the kids who misbehaved so badly I spent the evenings crying until I went to sleep.

I was meant to go out with course mates yesterday but decided to stay in with him instead as I hadn't seen him for a few days. But same course mates are going out again tonight and I want I go because I need to just get away from the house, the kids are really playing up at the moment and I just need to be somewhere else for a while you know? We had no other plans tonight other than staying in and watching tv and I'm almost weighing up the whether its worth the fuss of his moodiness.
I will also say that to be fair I am going out next week for freshers (which tbh was almost not worth tha hassle but I was determined).

In other aspects he's great, does more than his fair share on his days, offlooks after us etc.
I can't work out if I am being unreasonable. He doesn't go out much but he never seems to want to, but when he does I tell him to go have a good time. He's never turned around and said 'yeah sure go out have a nice time' it's always a massive effort. I don't understand his objection, I could understand if it was every week/2 weeks but its not!

OP posts:

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 12:44

I know :(
He's said sorry and he didnt think etc.... But I just said to him it's the same argument we've been having at least twice a year since we've been together.

OP posts:

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 12:47

It's not like he'd be alone either though!! We live with MIL and BIL (who he gets on great with, they play Xbox together and stuff).
I've just asked him what his issue is about it because its not as if I do it all the time.

OP posts:

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 14/09/2013 12:47

True, YoureBeingADick but the OP has said he has many redeeming qualities and that she has tried talking to him about this so I'm reluctant to go straight down the LTB route.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 14/09/2013 12:50

IMO, it's not loneliness or even necessarily an objection to you being away from him. It's about you having fun without him, possibly enjoying something - someone - other than his company more than you enjoy spending time with him. It's like he feels threatened that one day you're going to decide that life without him is just more fun. Does he still hate you having male friends? What has he said about you starting uni?

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 12:54

He says he doesn't mind about guy friends but when I added a guy from my course on fb and he commented on one of my statuses he was like 'who's thy guy commenting on your stuff' he does this every time a guy comments on my things.
He says he's excited about me starting uni. But he's also said several times 'you're not going to leave me when you start uni are you?' Or 'are we going to drift apart'. It's exhausting to have to constantly reassure him.

OP posts:

redexpat · 14/09/2013 12:54

Have you asked him why he doesn't like you going out?

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 12:55

Yeah, he's still not replied to that text.

OP posts:

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 14/09/2013 12:57

But he's also said several times 'you're not going to leave me when you start uni are you?' Or 'are we going to drift apart'. It's exhausting to have to constantly reassure him.

Insecurity onnastick.

You can't fix this. It's not your problem and none of your behaviour is unreasonable. He needs to firstly accept that he's out of order and then HE needs to work out a way to not think you're going to run off into the sunset every time you go out for a pint with friends!

YoureBeingADick · 14/09/2013 12:58

" But he's also said several times 'you're not going to leave me when you start uni are you?' Or 'are we going to drift apart'"

tell him no, the reason you will drift apart is because of his insecurities about you being out without him and that he needs to address those NOW or you cant make any guarantees about staying with him.

Pigsmummy · 14/09/2013 13:12

My ex was the same and would also kick off saying that I hadn't told him about a night out when I did! He was awful about me going out, he would grill me about it after and when I left him I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. It turns out that he was shagging about behind my back! not sure if that was behind his weirdness about me going out or if he just didn't like me to be enjoying myself without him. He was a spoiled child and now lives with his Mum, he is 46....

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 13:16

I've just phoned him and talked to him. He says he's like it because I have stuff outside of 'us' and he doesn't and he didnt realise he was doing it and he's make more of an effort to stop. So who knows....?

OP posts:

Lizzabadger · 14/09/2013 13:20

I wouldn't tolerate this.

Don't ask if you can go out, tell him you are going out
Completly ignore any huffiness - just make bright and breezy comments

If a month or two of this doesn't improve his behaviour personally I'd read him the riot act.

whiteandyellowiris · 14/09/2013 13:21

in a way, you've acepted his behaviour if you say he was like this two months into your relationship

i don't know why you would have got more involved and stayed with him really

but its done now, you either pussyfoot around him, or give him a full on bollocking about how this is not acceptable and simply stop treading on eggshells around him

i hope you just decide to stop accepting this
you can actually do this
im honestly not tryign to have a pop, i wish you luck
but your part of the problem going along with it
do no accept it
stick up for yourself

good luck op

ivykaty44 · 14/09/2013 13:22

sounds like he doesn't like being on his own or doesn't like being left tied to the house as dc are in bed.

Why don't you ask him what the problem is with you going out, is he scared something will happen to you, does he not like being in his own company etc?

try to get him to let you know and then you could try to resolve the problem.

Don't though do this at a time when you are going out or in a confrontational way.

Numberlock · 14/09/2013 13:30

You've grown apart, you now want different things from life. You want to broaden your horizons and opportunities and he wants to remain a stick in the mud, stay in, play Xbox etc, boring.

It's inevitable how it will end.

When does he take you out?

Numberlock · 14/09/2013 13:30

You've grown apart, you now want different things from life. You want to broaden your horizons and opportunities and he wants to remain a stick in the mud, stay in, play Xbox etc, boring.

It's inevitable how it will end.

When does he take you out?

MissStrawberry · 14/09/2013 13:31

He is controlling you.

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 13:34

I don't think we want different things.
I don't know what to write without it coming across like I'm making excuses for him. He is very supportive of me going to uni, he's staying in a job he hates so I can go.
He's just not a going out type of person and I am. My only issue is him trying to stop me going out.
We do go out together once a month roughly with friends or on our own.

OP posts:

Numberlock · 14/09/2013 13:46

But you do want different things - you want a busy social life and uni is a big part of this.

And you say he's always been like this so he's not going to change. The only thing that can change here is you.

What course are you doing? Is the long-term plan to develop your own career and get your own place?

kali110 · 14/09/2013 13:52

Yanbu at all

Numberlock · 14/09/2013 13:52

But you do want different things - you want a busy social life and uni is a big part of this.

And you say he's always been like this so he's not going to change. The only thing that can change here is you.

What course are you doing? Is the long-term plan to develop your own career and get your own place?

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 13:55

We're saving up for our own place atm which is why we live with MIL, it seemed like the best time to do it while I was at uni.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 14/09/2013 14:03

You have kids. You live with your MIL and her two sons, one of whom is your dp. He works in a job he hates. He does not go out, he socializes with his brother, playing computer games.

You want to study, you want to go out, be social. He works to facilitate this, and he (and I assume MIL) looks after the kids when you are out.

You say you only go out every 4/5 weeks, but you mention 3 outings you have missed just over the last week?

It honestly does not sound great. What visions and ideas for your life do you have? How old are you both, and how old are your kids?

Original poster

FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 14:07

I'm 25 and he is 29. Dc are 2 and 6. I don't want a massive social life at all... I don't actually like going out a lot. I'd like to be able to go out everyone once and a while without it being an issue. I missed one night out last night. I'm going to have to read back what I've written to find the other 2 you mentioned because I can't remember.

OP posts:

pumpkinsweetie · 14/09/2013 14:10

One word loud and clear -CONTROL

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