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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AP using our possessions

62 replies

Mendi · 14/09/2013 10:56

Our first ever AP arrived 2 weeks ago. She is 25. She is pleasant, competent as an AP, and is clean and tidy. So far so good. I have provided her with a document setting out ground rules, but this did not extend to "please do not help yourself to our stuff" as I assumed this was obvious.

I went out today and had to return home as had forgotten something. When I got back, I found the AP listening to her iPod using DS' ridiculously expensive headphones (Christmas present from his father). DS is very precious about these headphones and doesn't like anyone else touching them - even I don't use them! The DCs are away at their dad's this weekend so I know he did not say to the AP that she could use them.

I had to leave in a hurry as was late, so texted her afterwards saying please do not use DS' headphones as he does not like other people using them and if anything were to happen to them, I couldn't afford to replace them. I can see she has read the text, but she hasn't even replied with a quick "sorry, won't do it again".

Am I BU to think if you are living with other people it is not ok to just help yourself to their possessions? There have been a couple of other incidents where she's shown a slightly "entitled" attitude but as she is good overall I don't really know how much of an issue I should make about this, if at all.

OP posts:
silverten · 14/09/2013 11:01

I think I'd give her a bit of slack here. It may be as simple a thing as her family is a bit more 'sharey' over stuff like that, so she didn't think it would be an issue.

Sounds like she's taken your comments on board without being a diva so personally I'd let it go for now and see how things go.

bellasuewow · 14/09/2013 11:03

Sorry I would not want to be a guest in your house I don't think you are ready to share your home with an ap. she will be walking on eggshells thinking omg is that someone's special cup I should not be drinking out of etc. aside from the headphones to be fair if it is such a big deal maybe literally show her all the stuff you are precious about rather than her finding out via texts, she is a young person who is away from her home and I imagine this made her feel isolated. Be fair and show her and then make a joke about how precious you all are about your stuff rather than let your resentment build.

CookieLady · 14/09/2013 11:04

Let it go. What other 'entitled' behaviour has she displayed?

VinegarDrinker · 14/09/2013 11:06

If it's left in a shared area I think it's fair game tbh. If things are particularly precious keep them to bedrooms.

LIZS · 14/09/2013 11:06

I think you need to sit down and have a review now it is a couple of weeks since she arrived , to iron out anything like this and she any of her concerns. Texts seem horribly impersonal.

smokinaces · 14/09/2013 11:06

Are you sure they were your sons headphones?? Maybe she has the same ones and is now thinking wtf??!!

Numberlock · 14/09/2013 11:07

At least have the manners to tell her face to face...

PeppiNephrine · 14/09/2013 11:07

She used a childs headphones, once? Yeah, you might be over-reacting just a bit. You know that an au pair is meant to be treated as a family member rather than an employee, yes? (Au pair actually means on a par)

Coconutty · 14/09/2013 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sooperdooper · 14/09/2013 11:09

I think you're being a bit unreasonable tbh, she's living in your home and you clearly haven't told her what she can and can't use, I assume she can use stuff in the kitchen? I think you need to be quite clear if there's particular things she shouldn't use, at home or with previous families they might have been a lot more laid back about sharing

expatinscotland · 14/09/2013 11:11

Another reason why I hope none of mine ever tries to become an au pair. YABU.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 14/09/2013 11:11

Oh God, please don't text her, to tell her stuff.

Talk to her. You have to say this sort of thing face-to-face.

burberryqueen · 14/09/2013 11:11

texting seems a bit passive aggressive tbh and she might not have any credit to reply.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 14/09/2013 11:13

And if she is 'good, overall', thank your lucky stars, buy her a few treats to show your appreciation, and turn a blind eye to headphone borrowage.

WorraLiberty · 14/09/2013 11:14

I had to leave in a hurry as was late, so texted her afterwards saying please do not use DS' headphones as he does not like other people using them and if anything were to happen to them, I couldn't afford to replace them.

Haha! Coward Wink

It would have taken seconds to ask her not to use them again.

You need to speak to her like an adult if her behaviour is bothering you.

ConfusedPixie · 14/09/2013 11:17

When I was living in as a MH I went by the rule of "If it's not in a bedroom or specifically pointed out to me that I shouldn't use it, then it's fine to use." Which is how it would be for family members, of which she is supposed to be one.

And like others said, don't do the texting, talk, it is awful to be on the receiving end of texts like that as it comes across passive aggressive.

Original poster
Mendi · 14/09/2013 11:20

Other entitled behaviour: requiring a lift at 9am on Sunday morning as wanted to get a train somewhere - this meant the DCs and I all had to be up and ready as I couldn't leave them alone.

Refusing meals of which advance notice has been given on basis that she doesn't like that meal - I've no problem with our AP not having what we have but I think it is not on to wait till it's being dished up to say "I don't want that", if I've said earlier on what is on the menu.

To the posters who have said I am not ready to share a home with our AP I would like to say that I have encouraged our AP to share family meals every day, including weekends (most of her AP friends are not allowed to eat with their families Shock), I have given her the use of plenty of "my" stuff (by express "please feel free to use..."), and when she arrived I gave her a welcome pack full of nice toiletries, etc, bought brand new sheets and towels for her arrival (we have plenty but I thought new for her would be nice), and she has commented several times about how much nicer we are as a family than the families of the other APs she has met.

So I am fairly confident that I'm nota horrible host mother. But I wouldn't be happy to come home and find her wearing my clothes, likewise I was a bit Shock about this.

I think it is hard to strike the right balance between achieving this "our house is your house" atmosphere but still retain a sense of boundaries. I wouldn't use anything of hers, for instance. And I am happy for her to use things in the house, and have said so. But personal things are a bit different aren't they?

OP posts:
megsmouse · 14/09/2013 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeppiNephrine · 14/09/2013 11:23

Presumably she asked for a lift and you said yes? You could have said no, but it hardly seems like a big thing for you all to have hopped in the car for what was likely a short journey?

I suspect she didn't see the headphones as personal things.

burberryqueen · 14/09/2013 11:24

the refusing meals thing would get right on my nerves i must say.
you do sound like a nice host mother, after some of the stories i have heard from teaching EFL evening classes!

Original poster
Mendi · 14/09/2013 11:26

Right. I am BU then. Ok Wink

As I said, she is our first AP so I don't know what is normal. I genuinely want her to be happy and feel comfortable so I think I need to speak to the DCs and get them to make sure that any "special" possessions are kept in their bedrooms, then we can all assume the rest of the house is fair game. That's a good idea and easier to manage.

OP posts:
LIZS · 14/09/2013 11:30

but you should still talk to her, maybe there are things she isn't sure or comfortable about and you should give her the opportunity to say so. If you don't want to give her early lifts at weekends say that you don't mind after 10am with prior notice assuming you aren't due anywhere else but only emergencies otherwise. Do the buses etc run nearby at weekends or is she reliant on lifts ?

SybilRamkin · 14/09/2013 11:30

Get a grip, it's a pair of headphones FFS! The lift thing doesn't sound entitled at all, I'm sure she didn't say 'you HAVE to give me a lift at 9am on a Sunday' - I bet she asked you nicely, you didn't have to say yes.

WRT the food, that would irritate me but it's hardly a dealbreaker, just speak to her about it, perhaps she doesn't realise the hassle if causes you.

You don't sound like a very nice AP family to be honest if that's your attitude towards your possessions - she's meant to be treated as a member of the family, and telling her she can't even touch your stuff unless you give express permission is pretty horrible. I wouldn't work for you.

Original poster
Mendi · 14/09/2013 11:38

SybilRamkin I don't think you've read the thread properly have you? I have not said to her that she can only use things I have given express permission to use. Quite the reverse. I have simply made it clear that she can use things that, if I were her, I would not assume it was ok for me to use (such as: iPad, bike, car).

Thanks to the other posters who have given some helpful pointers. Think I will sign off this one now as I had forgotten the rudeness that some posters on the AIBU seem to think is acceptable

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 14/09/2013 11:40

In most families headphones would be about as personal as the kitchen sink...