AP using our possessions

[Mendi]

Our first ever AP arrived 2 weeks ago. She is 25. She is pleasant, competent as an AP, and is clean and tidy. So far so good. I have provided her with a document setting out ground rules, but this did not extend to "please do not help yourself to our stuff" as I assumed this was obvious.

I went out today and had to return home as had forgotten something. When I got back, I found the AP listening to her iPod using DS' ridiculously expensive headphones (Christmas present from his father). DS is very precious about these headphones and doesn't like anyone else touching them - even I don't use them! The DCs are away at their dad's this weekend so I know he did not say to the AP that she could use them.

I had to leave in a hurry as was late, so texted her afterwards saying please do not use DS' headphones as he does not like other people using them and if anything were to happen to them, I couldn't afford to replace them. I can see she has read the text, but she hasn't even replied with a quick "sorry, won't do it again".

Am I BU to think if you are living with other people it is not ok to just help yourself to their possessions? There have been a couple of other incidents where she's shown a slightly "entitled" attitude but as she is good overall I don't really know how much of an issue I should make about this, if at all.

I think you may have given out mixed messages. If you say, feel free to use the iPad/car/bike, then she may well assume you are relaxed about her borrowing something like headphones. It is actually quite rare to be precious about headphones which are not actually that easy to break unless handled very roughly. Perhaps anyone in your house who is particularly in love with a possession should tuck it away in their bedroom where no assumptions can be made.

I think you're being a bit silly on the headphones - most people wouldn't know they are items not to be used, maybe your DS should keep them in his room? Either way, a bit of a non-issue.

Same with asking for a lift. Is it really entitled to ask your host family for a lift? You were free to say no if it was inconvenient

The food thing is the only genuine irritation. Go through your meal plan with her and ask her to let you know in advance which meals she won't be eating with you - let her know she can make herself a sandwich or some pasta on those nights.

I would say two weeks is getting to the end of the settling in stage but there my be a few things to iron out.

If you are going to ask someone not to do something, it is much nicer if you do it face to face.

If you have been laid back and welcoming and said to her help yourself to my stuff - I guess she thought it would be fine to use the headphones, tbh in her position I would probably have though the same.

i think it would be nice if you just say ok help yourself to these things but there are certain things that are out of bounds the headphones and then anything you really don't want her using.

good communication is going to keep you both happy as then you all know where you stand.

I host students and I've noticed a generational difference insofar as when I was young (I'm mid 40s now) I'd assume I couldn't use things unless told otherwise. The young teens I host assume that they can, unless told otherwise.

I think you and your AP sound nice. The text wasn't a good idea, but it's difficult to get used to a stranger in your home.

It's definitely a good idea to have a chat, and definitely follow up the text with an acknowledgement that these particular headphones are special for your DS and he's the only one who's allowed to use them.

To be fair in our house we don't share gadgets, headphones chocolate etc. Neither DH nor I were brought up that way. Personal devices are personal and we'd ask before borrowing.

As for food does she know what the foods you're serving are? Shepherds pie, toad in the hole etc are really difficult for someone who isn't completely fluent to understand. That's part of the attraction of au pairing for young people - you get to learn informal English like that.

Lifts on occasion are fair game, but if she has access to a car and a bike (which presumably you don't mind being locked up and left at the station) then they should be kept for when she has no other option.

I would be precious about expensive headphones, especially if they were a gift from my father, the mealtime issue is damm rude, but the biggie for me is borrowing your clothes [Confused] that is way overstepping the boundaries of what is acceptable and I think you need a face to face chat to lay down some firm boundaries that you are comfortable with.

I wouldn't use anything without asking tbh.

Is a tenner a lot for a cab fare if you can afford an AP?

Blimey if your DS is so young he can't be left alone in the house while you drop someone at the station he must be far too young for expensive headphones, and young enough to be told he has to share.

"Are you all made of money? "

Nope. Could never afford an au pair. But could cough up £10 for a taxi though . . .

Ugh, do people seriously share headphones? Of all the items to share, headphones are something that I would never imagine sharing...!!!!

OP, don't worry about it too much, EVERYONE is allowed to have personal items which they don't have to share, including children, no matter how young they are! It's not on for an au pair to just use those sort of things without asking.

Best to warn her that while she's free to use 'household' things, she needs to check first with whoever owns an item if it's personal property.

Is a tenner a lot for a cab fare if you can afford an AP?

An au pair is sometimes the only thing that enables someone to keep their job, it's certainly not an easy decision to make to share your house with a stranger, day in-day out!

If gadgets that aren't personal by design (mobile, smartphone) can't be used by anyone in the home I think that needs pointing out. If casual babysitters come to our house I don't bat an eyelid about them using gadgets, and house guests are free to use whatever they like.