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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AP using our possessions

62 replies

Mendi · 14/09/2013 10:56

Our first ever AP arrived 2 weeks ago. She is 25. She is pleasant, competent as an AP, and is clean and tidy. So far so good. I have provided her with a document setting out ground rules, but this did not extend to "please do not help yourself to our stuff" as I assumed this was obvious.

I went out today and had to return home as had forgotten something. When I got back, I found the AP listening to her iPod using DS' ridiculously expensive headphones (Christmas present from his father). DS is very precious about these headphones and doesn't like anyone else touching them - even I don't use them! The DCs are away at their dad's this weekend so I know he did not say to the AP that she could use them.

I had to leave in a hurry as was late, so texted her afterwards saying please do not use DS' headphones as he does not like other people using them and if anything were to happen to them, I couldn't afford to replace them. I can see she has read the text, but she hasn't even replied with a quick "sorry, won't do it again".

Am I BU to think if you are living with other people it is not ok to just help yourself to their possessions? There have been a couple of other incidents where she's shown a slightly "entitled" attitude but as she is good overall I don't really know how much of an issue I should make about this, if at all.

OP posts:
GrandstandingBlueTit · 14/09/2013 11:40

Actually, I think you do sound nice. :) I just think none of us - on this thread, nor your au pair - perhaps quite appreciates how precious this pair of headphones is. Nor should we really be expected to.

Clearly they are very precious. In which case, keep them under wraps in future. And anything else it would bother you if she used.

She can't be expected to realise that these headphone are that speziale...

Bonsoir · 14/09/2013 11:42

And of course she can refuse food at table and yes you must give her lifts if there is no public transport.

burberryqueen · 14/09/2013 11:44

refusing food with ' i dont want that' when someone has cooked it and put it in front of you is bloody rude...

LIZS · 14/09/2013 11:48

Could there also be a cultural difference if she is from abroad. Your lasagne may not be the same as she is used to for example , so in principle a particualr dish is a yes but the reality differs. No excusing a refusal to try though , that is rude. Is she young , has she ap'd before ?

LadyRainicorn · 14/09/2013 11:49

Hate to say I don't have much opinion on the whole ap situation (other than the food thing would really get on my tits) but... headphones as communal property? Really? Are we all terribly stuffy in our house that all gadegty stuff has an owner and you ask before using, including headphones?

ConfusedPixie · 14/09/2013 11:57

"And I am happy for her to use things in the house, and have said so. But personal things are a bit different aren't they?"

She may not realise that they are specifically his and that they are off limits to everybody but him. That is the problem with new people into the house at first, things that you know innately just aren't known by the newbie, the balance between "My home is your home" and working out just what is coveted by individuals in the home hasn't yet been worked out.

If you don't want things to be used by her then they need to go into bedrooms and your kids need to know that too. I had the same rule as a child with my sisters because we used to nick each others stuff and it is a sort of understanding that works really.

Have you got a menu plan up in a visible place? Have you made it clear to her that if she doesn't like something she should say to you "I'm not a fan, but I'll have leftovers/my own meal instead that night." or assumed that she will do that? It's awkward turning around to somebody and saying that you don't like their food, more so when you live with them. I made it clear from the start that I'd cook my own meals as I was a veggie and in charge of kids meals anyway, if it'd been your situation I probably would have just avoided saying anything too as I wouldn't want to feel like I was imposing on the family by not liking the same foods.

It's teething issues, you'll work it out eventually.

ConfusedPixie · 14/09/2013 11:58

Lady If you come from a home where gadgets aren't really items that belong to an individual but usually shared you may not realise that sometimes people do have items that are strictly theirs.

Original poster
Mendi · 14/09/2013 12:10

Confusedpixie we do have a menu plan for the week up on the fridge. After the second meal refusal I spoke to our AP and explained that I'd like her to tell me in advance if she doesn't like something on the "menu" as I don't want the kids to get the idea that it's ok to say I don't like that.

She was ok about this. She is a nice person and my gut feel about her is good, so what I want to avoid is having to keep saying "please don't do that" - though perhaps that's unrealistic. I did suggest when she arrived that we should have a "review" chat after a couple of weeks to discuss any issues and make sure we are both happy. But I want to make sure she feels able to actually say if she has an issue, which perhaps she might feel is difficult to do as she is living with us.

I am just feeling my way with the whole thing really. I think we have chosen well so I probably need to just relax more.

OP posts:
KatyTheCleaningLady · 14/09/2013 12:15

If you're ok with her using the ipad, then I would assume headphones were in the same category.

But if this is a special set of headphones, fair enough. Just explain that your son is precious about those particular headphones and find another pair for her.

There's nothing wrong with her assuming that they were ok to use.

And never use other AP families as a benchmark for how you should treat her. Some of them are appalling and horrible.

Journey · 14/09/2013 12:25

I don't think you were unreasonable to tell the AP not to use the headphones. Headphones can be a personal item as they're in your ds's case. Just because she is staying in your house doesn't give her a right to use everything. She needs to be respectful of other people's belongings.

Turning down a meal when you're about to serve up is rude.

I think if you aren't happy about something the AP is doing it is best to talk to her face to face rather than text though.

The attitude from the other mumsnetters that say you have to share everything is very unrealistic.

Pigsmummy · 14/09/2013 12:32

You chose to buy new sheets, she didn't ask for them so don't expect gratitude for that. As for the meals could it be that she isn't really aware of what the dishes are that you are cooking and when she sees it doesn't fancy it? Anyhow I think that you have let the small stuff go, she hasn't been brought up in your home so will behave differently to you and your DC's, pick you battles otherwise she will feel like you are on her case all the time. I have a nanny who started this week and have bit my lip over small stuff that she does differently to me and we are getting on great.

As for the lift to the station don't be a bloody martyr, you could have called her a taxi?

pianodoodle · 14/09/2013 12:32

I don't think she did much wrong in assuming she could use the headphones but I think I'd have explained face-to-face that she couldn't rather than the text.

Personally I'd have been more inclined to say "be careful with them" rather than don't use them but it's up to you of course. Maybe put things like that away so it won't be an issue.

nennypops · 14/09/2013 12:32

If the lift thing is a problem, perhaps you could order her a cab?

JustBecauseICan · 14/09/2013 12:41

"I don't want that" might also be a result of her English learning not quite having progressed yet to "If you don't mind awfully, I'd prefer something else" Wink

It sounds as if you are all still finding your way Mehdi. I was an au-pair abroad and had a lovely family who made me very welcome, but other friends were abandoned very much to their own devices and treated like skivvies.

I agree that the texting was off. (but a way a lot of us, myself included, would use to avoid confrontation!)

I think you just need to sit down and say to her "look, it's fine if you don't want to eat with us, but I will need a few hours notice so I'm not cooking food that will then get thrown away".

I would let the headphones go tbh, if anything I would say to her "look, it's terribly precious of my son not to want anyone touching his headphones, chuh, you know what kids are like!"

The lift thing- again, you weren't held at gunpoint to do it, so can't really moan about it after the fact. If it was that awkward for you, you could have told her to call a cab or not go. Her choice.

It is a hard thing I think- having an au-pair and being one. I come at it from the latter POV and whilst I was never felt I had to, I still did tread on eggshells a bit.

burberryqueen · 14/09/2013 12:45

I don't want that" might also be a result of her English learning not quite having progressed yet to "If you don't mind awfully, I'd prefer something else either of those would be bloody rude in fact

Coconutty · 14/09/2013 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mimishimi · 14/09/2013 12:53

Are you sure they were his? Maybe she has the same pair.

Original poster
Mendi · 14/09/2013 14:01

Love all the suggestions that I should call her a cab! Are you all made of money? We live 3 miles from the station and a cab costs £10. I'm afraid I can't afford that for my AP when she wants to go out. There is a bus stop outside the house and she also has use of a car (but does not like paying for parking).

OP posts:
Original poster
Mendi · 14/09/2013 14:03

And yes, they were his, she doesn't have the same pair.

OP posts:
CookieLady · 14/09/2013 14:05

If your gut feeling is she is a good one then in all honesty keep letting the small stuff go. There may, as others have pointed out, language barrier issues where the weekly menu is concerned. Have a weekly review when the kids aren't around and remember to praise to counter balance the ''please don't...'

JustBecauseICan · 14/09/2013 14:08

The idea I think was that the au-pair pay for the cab......

holidaysarenice · 14/09/2013 14:10

I think its more of a lesson for ur son. Unless she took from his room then ur son needs to look after his 'precious' headphones more.

I would be texting ur son not the ap.

Artandco · 14/09/2013 14:13

Is the au pair getting a higher wage to accomadate bus fares/ taxis/ parking? As sounds like you aren't particularly central so without her paying she can't really get anywhere. Does she have a bike?

Headphones/ iPads etc are just stuff to most people. If you don't want someone touching them for any reason then they need to be kept away I would have thought otherwise she won't know what she can or can't touch

JustBecauseICan · 14/09/2013 14:15

Actually, thinking some more on this....I do wonder what kind of message the au-pair is getting from not being allowed to touch the belongings of one of her (I presume) charges.....

It is giving him a hell of a lot of leverage and power over her when/if she needs to lay the law down to him- the fact that she has been told off for touching his headphones. I can see it now "you're only the au pair neh neh, I'm not doing what you say....."

Not saying this will happen, just that really, I'd be siding with the au-pair rather than the child tbh. Because there will come a moment (and soon enough) when you'll have them both running to you griping about the other and if you're already seen to be on his side from the go-get it's not going to go well.

RevoltingPeasant · 14/09/2013 14:17

OP I think you are just feeling your way with this, which is fine. We had a live-in lodger when I was younger and recently when my friend was considering an au pair, she was asking me what stuff she'd have to take into account. She hadn't considered loads of things which is quite natural when you haven't done it before.

If I were you.........

have that chat and be super-nice and really encourage her to say if anything bothers her.
apologise for the text but blame it on DS, say 'gosh he won't let anyone touch those, so sorry, I should've warned you'.
tell the DC to keep personal stuff in their rooms. Will make the house neater anyhow, most likely!
just let her know, very nicely, if small things bother you. Like the food. She obviously responded well to that. And give a good reason, like 'it's difficult for me to plan menus'.

She is 25, not 15, and evidently reasonable, so I'm sure you will work things out. But do apologise for the text, as she may be feeling mortified and unwelcome now.