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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want dp to clear up after mil

55 replies

muddyprints · 11/09/2013 21:34

mil and fil visit weekly and when they leave im left with a mess, which is getting worse.
mil is messy,dirty and doesn't care for anything.
in our house we take off shoes and ils always have, over past 3-4 weeks mil has stopped removing her shoes, she doesn't wipe her feet and literally leaves dirt on the floor.
she went to the toilet and didn't move dd2s step stool (thankfully the trainer seat wasn't on) and left wee on the seat and step stool and floor.
she took her cardigan off and shook it and folded it on arm of chair leaving collection of dog hair and mess.
she holds her teacup loosely over one finger so it hangs and frequently spills on the carpet.
she leaves dirty fingerprints on the doors on her way in.
I dread her eating anything as she wont use a plate, sits with her legs open and pushes crumbs onto the floor.
when she puts her teacup down she spills tea over pictures on fire.

she is the same at home, thinks nothing of spilling tea and rubbing it into carpet which is dirty and covered in hair. throws the dog ball up the newly wallpapered walls.

aibu to want dp to either tell his mom to take off her shoes, clean up her wee and be careful with her tea, or to clean all this mess up afterwards. or am I being a complete cow because mil is in her 70s and is this normal mess to expect from older family?

OP posts:

Hawkmoth · 11/09/2013 21:39

Tarpaulin.

Fairenuff · 11/09/2013 21:39

Why are you automatically the person who cleans up after others?

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 11/09/2013 21:41

Can you lay an old towel where she sits?

Not sure about the wee.

Original poster

muddyprints · 11/09/2013 21:44

dp cleaned up the spilled tea as it happened but as a sahm I do the hovering/dusting/cleaning (and had done it that day) and then had to follow round where she'd been after. I unfortunately found the wee while they were still here and couldn't leave it for dp incase dds needed the loo so had to clean it.
if it was my mom id say "mom you've made a mess in the loo do you mind clearing it up while I watch the kids" and she would, but shes younger (and cleaner) so im wondering if im being mean.

OP posts:

Original poster

muddyprints · 11/09/2013 21:46

I already only 3/4 fill her teacup as she spills so often, I move paperwork,dds school work out the way, move the bathtowels off the airer just leaving the handtowel attached to sink so she doesn't dry he half washed hands on our bathtowels, so I try and prepare, but this is weekly just as we finish our dinner so I don't have time to clear everything.

OP posts:

Salmotrutta · 11/09/2013 21:54

She sounds worse than a toddler!

Give her a biohazard suit to wear and pop her in a high chair.

not really joking.

Original poster

muddyprints · 11/09/2013 22:01

dp has known nothing else and makes excuses for her and how she is, as do all the family, he thinks I should be more empathetic, but he doesn't have to clean up after my mom.

OP posts:

Original poster

muddyprints · 11/09/2013 22:02

my toddler did announce "nanny has got shoes in" in loud toddler voice, (whilst drinking nicely and not spilling milk on the carpet).
might send dd1 to door next week to remind her to take her shoes off etc.

OP posts:

AlbertoFrog · 11/09/2013 22:11

Have spare slippers by the front door and stand over her while she changes into them then serve her tea in a sippy cup. Keep a wee handheld vacuum nearby and teach your toddler to use it. DD'll have great fun hoovering up nanny's crumbs.

Go on - I dare you

Patilla · 11/09/2013 22:20

Failing that, teach your toddler to make vacuum cleaner toys and have her follow your MIL around making said noise at any sign of mess. Reward toddler with chocolate buttons secretly for each time she does that.

Gruntfuttock · 11/09/2013 23:37

Good grief! What the hell's the matter with her?

Fairenuff · 11/09/2013 23:57

But your dh was there at the time, so why does it fall to you to clean up?

I understand that he can't do it when he is out of the house but when he is right there surely he pitches in and does his share?

aloiseb · 11/09/2013 23:57

I wonder if your MIL has bad knees? I have had a bad knee for a couple of weeks and it forces you to sit legs akimbo. The knee which won't bend would also make it hard for me to take off my shoes, move a stepstool, and clean up after myself in the loo - I am always afraid of injuring it (it dislocates) and being trapped in a tiny room.

Especially as your MIL is older and probably not with 20-20 vision, she may not even see the spillage, crumbs, dirty marks etc......I think YABU, a bit.

Oh sorry! you were asking if it was unreasonable to ask your DP to clean up after his mum. No, that's not unreasonable, but I think you may have to do it again after him, because he probably wouldn't have done it as well as you.

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/09/2013 00:10

Why don't you just ask her not to do it?

TheBigJessie · 12/09/2013 00:11

I was all ready to launch in, but are you sure your mother-in-law isn't actually unwell? The teacup on a finger sounds like she's having problems holding things.

Is there any possibility she needs glasses? I'm considerably younger than her, and without my glasses, I'm not sure I'd be able to see wee on a toilet seat.

lisianthus · 12/09/2013 00:14

YANBU. Why is your DH asking you to have "empathy"? Is there a medical reason for your MIL being so dirty and messy? If not, I think the person who needs empathy felt for them is you and the only reason I can see for why your DH is not feeling any is because the entire burden of his mother falls to you and he doesn't value your "job". I'll bet if he had to do the cleaning up he'd pipe up soon enough with "how about you get a plate for that, Mum?"

Since when is being messy a condition for which you need to have empathy?

TheBigJessie · 12/09/2013 00:18

P.S. I think your husband should clean up after her.

I just think he should take her to the doctor (hand joint problems?) and the optician as well.

DameDeepRedBetty · 12/09/2013 00:31

I fear she's getting a bit absent-minded with age, and probably eyesight too. It's all very well for your husband to be empathising and encouraging you to empathise too, but a little bit of tactful preventative measures wouldn't go amiss here, and he needs to be involved in that bit - she's his mum.

LeaningTowerOfGaffney · 12/09/2013 03:26

"Especially as your MIL is older and probably not with 20-20 vision, she may not even see the spillage, crumbs, dirty marks etc......I think YABU, a bit."

That's a terrible excuse! I have NEVER encountered an older person this slovenly! I have an elderly aunt who's almost blind and even she manages to keep her tea in her cup.

I second the tarpaulin.

ItWasLightCreamCheese · 12/09/2013 03:36

she wont use a plate, sits with her legs open and pushes crumbs onto the floor

Just the mental image of this is raising my blood pressure. What barbaric behaviour. Poor you OP. YANBU and I don't think this is 'normal mess' for anyone, regardless of age. If your DP is happy to make excuses for her behaviour, he should be equally happy to tidy up after her! Bloody hell.

You are a SAHP. Therefore it is your job to clean up the mess your dc might make, not the mess made by other adults who are (presumably) perfectly capable of doing it themselves. Or just not making the mess in the first place.

Fairenuff · 12/09/2013 08:20

Have you actually asked your dp to be on 'clearing up after mother' duty when he is there?

Original poster

muddyprints · 12/09/2013 14:24

dd2 would like a toy vacuum
mil had a stroke 5 years ago or more and has been more shaky since so that may contribute to some spilling but she waves her hands round and talks whilst holding the cup so it sploshes. me and dp both say mind your cup regularly and have to keep dd2 away from her incase she spills tea on her.
her hands are visibly dirty but she is capable of washing her hands.
one visit she removed her shoes to show bare feet and then told me her feet were filthy as she had been outside barefoot before coming round. or she arrives in slippers to save time, despite me pointing out that the slippers are then effectively shoes as she has walked outside in them.
if you give her a plate she puts plate down and eats over her dress then pushes straight to floor.
if she is struggling to take off her shoes I would understand but I think shes just decided she doesn't want to.

OP posts:

CreatureRetorts · 12/09/2013 14:28

Some of it I think you're being YABU about. She had a stroke? She's old? Excusable.

The rest, not so much.

Jollyb · 12/09/2013 14:46

She's had a stroke. Not only may this affect her mobility and coordination But this could also the part of the brain that controls behaviour and makes you less inhibited. I think you are being a bit intolerant and there is clearly some back story given the way you talk about her with disgust.

CatelynStark · 12/09/2013 14:56

Bloody Hell! You miserable lot!

Poor old MIL being treated like a bloody leper!

God forbid the OP gets a bit wobbly and doddery in her dotage and is reviled by her DIL!

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