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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh is BU about the cat

60 replies

Dancergirl · 11/09/2013 11:00

A couple of years ago we started thinking about getting a pet for our dds (12, 10 and 6). They really like animals, as do I, I didn't grow up with pets but really wanted one. After considering various furry things in cages, rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters etc, we thought about getting a cat. The dds were really keen and I always loved cats as a child.

The problem was dh. He didn't grow up with animals and doesn't particularly like them now. However he reluctantly agreed to getting a cat as long as a) he didn't have to do anything, and b) the cat stayed out of the kitchen.

We adopted a gorgeous kitten from CP who is now 2 years old. She is an absolute joy, the dds love her as do I. It's been a revelation to me how much you can love a pet Smile

However, dh won't stop moaning about the cat.

'I don't want a cat'
'Can't we get rid of the cat' etc

I have kept my side of the bargain, he never feeds her, I organise vets visits etc.

I think he's BU to constantly moan when he (albeit reluctantly) agreed to the cat. He's driving me mad.

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 11/09/2013 11:03

He is BU and I would tell him that if he won't stop moaning, you're going to let the cat in the kitchen...he's not kept HIS side of the bargain and you won't keep yours. Also....moan at him about something he loves..."I hate football...I don't want it on in the house..." etc etc.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/09/2013 11:04

He is BU. He agreed to the cat. You are living up to your side of the bargain. Get a Moany Box and tell him that every time he moans it will cost him £x.

StuntGirl · 11/09/2013 11:04

If he agreed to it he should shut up and put up.

But did he really agree to it, or was he browbeaten into submission?

GingerBlackAndOriental · 11/09/2013 11:05

He is being VVVVVV unreasonable.

What harm is the cat actually doing to him?

It's not fair to 'get rid' of the cat now. You are it's family. Uprooting is cruel when there is no need for it.

Is he cruel to the cat at all? Red flags if he is cruel to a defenseless animal. If he is cruel to it then either he stops immediately or it would be fair to rehome it as a cat shouldn't have to live in fear.

freddiefrog · 11/09/2013 11:10

He is.

We have the same thing here with our dog.

Our daughters and I were the main dog wanters, but DH still agreed to having him. We didn't nag endlessly, he didn't cave under pressure or anything, he just wasn't that fussed about having a dog

He's hardly ever fed him, walked him (unless we're out somewhere all together) or cleared up after him. I take him to the vets, bath him, clean the dirty footprints off the carpet, etc and it pisses me off.

We agreed as whole family to get a dog but he tries to abdicate all responsibility for dog as I wanted him more.

DH wanted kids more than I did, but I don't pull the "you wanted them more" line every time they need feeding/cleaning/putting to bed.

Sorry, rant over

BarbarianMum · 11/09/2013 11:12

Tricky. I do feel for your dh cause it does sound like he was pushed into getting a pet he didn't want and not only any pet but one that is long lived and everywhere (other than the kitchen). Maybe something that had a cage as its base would have been easier for him to handle.

But it's here now and not really on to get rid of it and of course you can't spend the next 16 years with him moaning so you need to try and come up with a way of them coexisting. Are there particular things about it he doesn't like (yakking up on the bed, disemboweling wildlife on the rug etc) that could be dealt with?

LEMisdisappointed · 11/09/2013 11:13

I have a deep seated mistrust of people who don't like animals

MummyPig24 · 11/09/2013 11:18

He is bu and sounds like my bloody dh. I had the car before I met him. He moans about fur, about fleas (I keep him frontlined after one incident.) He moans he's always hanging around or wants feeding. But I tell him, the cat was here before you so shut up.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/09/2013 11:19

He is BU simply for not have fallen in love with the cat in 2 years!!

We always had cats and our last one died 3 years ago and DH was adamant no more. Anyway, DS was desperate and we worked on DH, and we now have a gorgeous 6 month old kitten who DS is totally smitten with. DH much as he didn't want her and made it plain he was only getting her for DS, loves her dearly although he still ocassionally moans about her but just to make a point I think, lol

marzipanned · 11/09/2013 11:20

Yes, he's BU. Doesn't he see how much joy his beloved daughters get out of the cat?

What exactly does he object to?

mayorquimby · 11/09/2013 11:28

Yabu he's not

I'd detest having an animal I didn't want occupying my house

Morgause · 11/09/2013 11:31

He didn't want a cat in the first place, did he?

If the DCs and DH had nagged me into getting a cat I'd moan all the time to be fair.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 11/09/2013 11:33

What exactly does he object to?

Her claws! She's v affectionate and manages to wedge herself between us on the sofa. On the odd occasion he's felt a claw on his leg.

Other than that, I point out to him that the cat doesn't really affect him at all. He's at work all day, when he's home the cat's usually in another room or out.

No he's never cruel to her, he wouldn't do that. And yes I think he would have been more comfortable with a caged pet.

OP posts:
OrmirianResurgam · 11/09/2013 11:36

"And yes I think he would have been more comfortable with a caged pet."

I'd feel uncomfortable about someone who would have preferred an animal in a cage.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 11/09/2013 11:37

ormirian not everyone's an animal lover, I meant a rabbit or guinea pig which lives in a hutch rather than the house.

OP posts:
oscarwilde · 11/09/2013 11:43

I'd drag him to a large petstore to help you with a giant bag of kitty litter or some other pretext. Then take the opportunity to point out how whiffy and rodenty the hamster/gerbil/rabbits are when the kids are cooing over them. Comment about how you don't fancy being bitten when cleaning out a cage or something.
Devil you know and all that Smile

If he is really just moany, just point out that the cat will pass on around the same time as the kids go off to university. Agree it can be a cat free household then if he is still adamant. My dad went out and replaced the cat he'd moaned about for 15 yrs within a month of it going. My mum was having radiation treatment and he made her day. He loves that kitten/cat now.

apologies to pet owners of said creatures, I love cats but I am really not keen on small animals as pets. I'd have 10 cats over one white rat.

stemstitch · 11/09/2013 11:43

Yes, he's being unreasonable. If he minded that much about the cat, he should have put his foot down when you were discussing getting her. It's too late now. If you gave her away the children would be devastated, leaving aside the issue of it being morally wrong to adopt a kitten but get rid of it after a couple of years.

I cannot bear people whinge on about things that can't be changed. The cat is here now. You can't get rid of it for the reasons outlined above. He is wasting mental energy and annoying the whole family by carping on about it.

marzipanned · 11/09/2013 11:44

Oh, claws! Can you try to pre-empt that by moving her onto your lap/the other side of you when you're on the sofa?

Morgause if you agree to something, even under duress, it's not fair to moan about it. If he really hadn't wanted a pet he should have stuck to his guns.

MrsOakenshield · 11/09/2013 11:44

the kneading with the claws out is pretty annoying, I'll grant you that. But, tell him this: because his wife and 4 DC wanted it, FIL, who is allergic to cats (not hugely, but they do make him sneeze a bit), had cats in the house for 20-odd years and he put up with it! In fact, when the last one went, he was pretty sad about it.

marzipanned · 11/09/2013 11:46

oscar very true - I looked after my friend's rabbit one Christmas while they were away and, though it was very cute and all, it was a complete PITA and made my bedroom absolutely stink. Cats are actually one of the least demanding of pets in terms of care and they're definitely less stinky than caged animals/dogs!

mayorquimby · 11/09/2013 11:48

Yeah a cat that sits between you two on the sofa isn't affecting him at all

Getting a pet when one person doesn't want but is really unfair. No matter how much you say "you won't have to do anything", simply having an unwanted animal strolling around your house will affect the person and their ability to relax in their own house.

In short you had no problem persisting with attempts to convince him when you didn't have a car so it's a bit hypocritical now to complain about him persisting with similar moaning now you have one

10-15 years with an animal you never wanted ffs

Original poster
Dancergirl · 11/09/2013 11:50

Yes exactly stemstitch there's NO WAY I would contemplate giving her away. She was a stray originally and we've given her a loving home and very happy she is too Smile God, I dread to think about anything happening to her, the dds are totally in love with her especially the oldest.

marzipanned I do try and do that and most of the time it's ok, it's just the odd occasion that it's happened. I try and keep her out of our bedroom too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancergirl · 11/09/2013 11:51

mayor I see what you are saying but he agreed to the cat 'as long as I don't have to do anything'! Those were his words!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancergirl · 11/09/2013 11:52

The question now is though, what can we do to keep everyone (moderately) happy?

OP posts:
stemstitch · 11/09/2013 11:54

I would just tell him to can it, tbh. There is no solution to satisfy all - he doesn't want the cat and you do. But the fact is that the cat is here (at his agreement) and it's not possible to get rid of it.