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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh is BU about the cat

60 replies

Dancergirl · 11/09/2013 11:00

A couple of years ago we started thinking about getting a pet for our dds (12, 10 and 6). They really like animals, as do I, I didn't grow up with pets but really wanted one. After considering various furry things in cages, rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters etc, we thought about getting a cat. The dds were really keen and I always loved cats as a child.

The problem was dh. He didn't grow up with animals and doesn't particularly like them now. However he reluctantly agreed to getting a cat as long as a) he didn't have to do anything, and b) the cat stayed out of the kitchen.

We adopted a gorgeous kitten from CP who is now 2 years old. She is an absolute joy, the dds love her as do I. It's been a revelation to me how much you can love a pet Smile

However, dh won't stop moaning about the cat.

'I don't want a cat'
'Can't we get rid of the cat' etc

I have kept my side of the bargain, he never feeds her, I organise vets visits etc.

I think he's BU to constantly moan when he (albeit reluctantly) agreed to the cat. He's driving me mad.

OP posts:
PurpleRayne · 11/09/2013 12:03

Could this be 'displacement moaning'? Is he really pissed off about some other aspect of domestic life and the cat is just the innocent focus?

mayorquimby · 11/09/2013 12:04

He was badgered into it though. You can't exactly use his eventual agreement as though he actively endorsed it.
He gave into it. You were happy enough to moan to get your way when it was you who was unhappy with the status quo so I don't see how it makes him unreasonable now to engage in the exact same behaviour you were happy to engage in.

"I think he's BU to constantly moan when he (albeit reluctantly) agreed to the cat. He's driving me mad."

From the last line of your op. do you not think you drive him mad to the point where he reluctantly agreed? If you get someone to go along with something they never wanted you can't also dictate that they must then act happy about it. You got your way, you don't also get to force him to like it. It's massively hypocritical, he had to out up with your moaning and a cat he doesn't want for the next decade or so being in his house, costing money, leaving hair/smells around the trade off might just be you have to put up with him hating the cat and complaining about it because you knew he never wanted it.

mayorquimby · 11/09/2013 12:06

"I would just tell him to can it"

Why? The op didn't accept that as a solution to the problem when there was no cat, she can't very well now insist that it's an acceptable solution for her husband when he's unhappy with the state of play.

echt · 11/09/2013 12:08

Tell him to STFU, he's upsetting the cat. Cats are no less able to pick up tone than dogs.

He set the parameters, they have been observed. Remind him of this.

echt · 11/09/2013 12:09

Where did the OP "badger" the DH, mayorquimby?

mayorquimby · 11/09/2013 12:12

Fine retract the "badgered"

Somehow got him to reluctantly agree to something he never wanted and still does not want

basgetti · 11/09/2013 12:13

It would be wrong to get rid of the cat now, but I think it is wrong in the first place to get an animal when the other adult in the house is reluctant about it.

steppemum · 11/09/2013 12:17

there is hope op
my dh let us get a cat on sufferance (he is allergic, but was fine with my mums cats) so the deal was
if it aggravated his allergies we would re-home him.
he wouldn't have to look after it
it didn't sleep on our bed

cat is now 3. He slept on our bed last night, as dh deliberately left the door open for him....

Original poster
Dancergirl · 11/09/2013 12:21

I wouldn't say 'badgered' but yes I probably did have to persuade him going from memory if I'm honest. But he didn't say 'there's no way I'm having a cat in the house'. He said 'ok as long as I don't have to do anything'.

He's a reasonable person mostly, as I am.

I suppose the 'answer' is I got the cat so I should put up with the moaning...?

OP posts:
echt · 11/09/2013 12:23

He still agreed. The "reluctantly" is his problem. He should suck it up.

I speak as one who reluctantly agreed to a puppy, knowing I would be the one who house trained it, which I did. Which affected how I felt about it, and I know significantly skewed the affection of the beast. He felt my irritation at the training stage, and loves DH who was not involved.

I agreed the timing of a new kitten so it could be house trained while I was on hols - now I get the evols because she loves me best.

The point is the human should step up. OP's DH is being a knob, and actually punishing his wife for a decision he agreed to.

echt · 11/09/2013 12:25

No, you should not put up with the moaning. Twunt. Him, not you, OP>

mayorquimby · 11/09/2013 12:25

I think so.
He's putting up with a cat he doesn't want every day and previously had to put up with someone trying to convince him to do something he'd made quite clear he didn't want to do.
I don't think you have any basis to complain. You're both in a piston where the other is forcing a daily annoyance on the other

echt · 11/09/2013 12:26

He made conditions. They were adhered to. What's the problem?

marzipanned · 11/09/2013 12:28

mayorquimby I think you're being a bit dramatic - the ability to relax in his own house?! It's just a cat!

Dancer I think the best thing to do is, whenever he moans, just calmly say, "you agreed to the cat. The girls love it, and it would be cruel to try to rehome it at this point. Moaning is just making us both miserable, but if there's anything I can do to make having the cat more agreeable for you, let me know" or similar. But my DH is uber rational and responds well to things like that, not sure about yours and you might've already tried it!

mayorquimby · 11/09/2013 12:29

"He still agreed. The "reluctantly" is his problem. He should suck it up."

He agreed to have the cat, don't see anywhere in the op that he'd like it or wouldn't give out about it. If you're going to hang on the fact he reluctantly agreed then surely he can be just as pedantic and say "I agreed to have the cat, I never said I wouldn't give out about it" etc
Also if we're focussing on the agreement I'd like to ask the op if at any point over the years if discussion with your dh over the cat issue did you ever concede at any point "fine we won't get a cat then" ?

mayorquimby · 11/09/2013 12:30

I don't think I am. I love cats and dogs but many others don't. Having an animal you don't want in your house for many, and it would seem the dh is one, would be a constant nagging annoyance and would make it harder for them to relax.

specialsubject · 11/09/2013 12:32

somebody on another thread like this said 'never underestimate the power of nagging'.

surprise...

Original poster
Dancergirl · 11/09/2013 12:32

My dh sounds like yours marzipanned! I'll say something to him along those lines and see what he says.

Although I love our cat so much she's worth him moaning I suppose!

OP posts:
LuckyToHaveYouAll · 11/09/2013 12:33

Could you take the cat to have its claws clipped regularly? That will stop her from being able to dig them in. I'm working on my kittens at the moment, getting them used to having their paws handled so that when they are sleeping on me I can discreetly clip their claws.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 11/09/2013 12:35

She had her claws clipped when we first got her and she put up such a fight I'm not sure I can face that again!

But people have said to me, if they go outside (which she does) they don't need their claws clipping, is that true?

OP posts:
WhitesandsofLuskentyre · 11/09/2013 12:36

LEM, on what basis Confused?

I always tell people I hate cats because I'm violently allergic to them. Which is a convenient excuse, because basically I just hate cats. I can't bear the way they move.

I never let my children bring the class hamster home because basically I hate rodenty-type animals.

I don't mind some dogs, but I don't want to share my house with one. It used to annoy the hell out of me when my in-laws brought their smelly dog and its moulting coat to my house.

mayorquimby · 11/09/2013 12:36

I also don't think it's possible to have a pet and it not to impinge on the other partner. It costs money etc. but even the idea of "you'll never have to feed it"

If the op came on in a month or two and said she had x night out/a weekend away/ a wedding or anything taking her away overnight or for a couple of days and saying she now thought she couldn't go because her dh refused to feed the cat or let it in or out if the house people would equally be calling him stubborn/cruel/childish. They wouldn't be vindicating him based on his agreement.

I just don't think it's possibly to have a larger pet like a cat or dog and not have a large affect on the other partners day to day life.

echt · 11/09/2013 12:36

Agreed is agreed. Pissing and moaning about the agreement is a bit off, I'd have thought. He set the terms, and now he doesn't like them.

He laid down the rules. The rules have been kept.

Apply that to any other area of life and see how unreasonable it sounds: DH: Here are my conditions for the future
OP: OK. I'll do it.
DH: I will continue to piss and moan nevertheless.

mayorquimby · 11/09/2013 12:40

Dancegirl just out if interest, not to have a go at you but just out if interer for those arguing along the lines of "he agreed so he needs to accept it, did you at any point in the years pre-cat concede or reluctantly say something along the lines of "fine we won't get a cat." ? Even in frustration?

As I say I'm not as hung up on the principal of his reluctant agreement but I'm interested as to whether it would change their position.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 11/09/2013 12:51

No don't think so mayor

OP posts:
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