to not want to speak to this person again despite him being my hisband's best friend?

[catlady123]

Have namechanged for this, I usually post in a different part of MN. I wanted people’s views on something that has upset me terribly and whether I am being unreasonable, as my husband thinks.

My husband has a best friend who is/was also a good friend of mine. He was over for dinner last night. I mentioned to him in the course of conversation that I am struggling emotionally with the fact that my fragile, old cat has become quite incontinent and I am wondering whether she should be put down at some point as she is soiling the house several times a day and I have a toddler. I have had this cat for over 17 years, through thick and thin in my life and this would be huge thing for me. I mentioned that I had thought of possible asking the vet to come to the house to do the deed without distressing her in any way, but also that I am far from coming to a decision on this yet.

His comment was that I should not do that but should take her a few hours drive away from home and then just let her out into the wild and “let nature take its course”. I was so shocked by this that I could not speak for a while, I then became very upset and refused to have dinner with him, going upstairs to bed instead. I later told my husband that I do not want anything to do with this friend again and that animal cruelty is something I cannot tolerate. I was absolutely shocked that the friend could think that I would take my beloved old cat and do this to her.

My husband’s view was that I was very rude to his friend, that I am being ridiculous, and that “everyone is entitled to their opinion”, although he himself would not actually do this to the cat. This caused a huge fight which has gone on much of the night. I don’t know what to say now. My husband tells me his friend will apologise for what he said. I can’t see that an apology would make any difference, he still thought that such cruelty was OK and that I would do something like this, how can apology for having expressed the opinion change that?

[DreamingofSummer]

Sorry about your pet but IMO it's a total over reaction on your part. Accept his apology, move one and get a sense of perspective

[ubik]

I think he was being insensitive.

It's hard to understand the strength of feeling some people have for their animals. Your extreme reaction to what he said - as a passing, idle comment - was bound up with the strong emotion you are feeling about losing a creature who has provided so much comfort to you.

But he has apologised. Accept it.

[Crowler]

I'm glad I don't get invited to your hose, Jessie

ditto

[QuintessentialOldDear]

Massive overreaction.

I doubt friend set out to hurt you deliberately.

But why on earth bring up incontinence over dinner?

[sarascompact]

"But why on earth bring up incontinence over dinner?"



That's a very good point! PMSL (forgive the pun).

[OctopusPete8]

Hmmm, I dunno, I think he may feel like letting is try and survive for a while in the wild is less cruel than putting it down?

He has no emotional attachment to the cat and will not have the "how could I abandon it?" feelings you have.

[TheCraicDealer]

" Nancy66 you don't think it's wrong to take a sick, old, pet and dump it in a strange place for it to starve to death?"

Plenty of elderly people have ended their days in a strange nursing home or hospital after fluids etc. have been withdrawn in an effort to end their suffering. It's not as beyond the pale as it's being made out to be. Although to be fair, a sick cat let out into the wild is much more likely to meet its end in the jaws of a hungry fox rather than quietly slipping away under a leafy tree.

I agree with WannabeWriter back on page 1- tensions are running high, you're upset because you feel like you're being backed into a corner to choose between your toddler and your cat. But one day, maybe ten years down the line, someone will say, "so how come you don't talk to X?" and you'll have to explain that he said something mean about your cat that may have been a joke.

If you don't get on with him generally and you feel ok about that, fine, de-friend him. But if some little part of you thinks that you're taking your frustration out on this innocuous and uninformed comment, then give it a few weeks, try and accept his apology and move on.

[Platinumstart]

Massive over reaction - it's not like he actually did it!

[sparechange]

Wow, you are totally overreacting.
He expressed an opinion, he didn't kidnap your cat and dump her in the wild. He hasn't been 'cruel'.
He has apologised. Accept it and move on, or you'll always be known as the crazy cat lady who cut contact with someone after they made a mis-judged joke about their elderly cat.

[Sammie101]

I think you are definitely over-reacting! It must be horrible for you thinking of possibly losing your cat but it was a thoughtless comment on his part, he didn't try and hunt your cat down and take her away from you!

[Snatchoo]

I have no idea why this is seen as cruel. Surely animals do this, they know they are going to die and crawl off somewhere and do it? Probably not nice to be far from home, but I doubt that was his thinking.

I'm not an animal person at all though, maybe I'm talking rubbish. Probably he isn't either.

I think you are massively overreacting and should accept his apology and move on.

[Wowserz129]

Sorry but I think your reaction is very OTT. He was just saying his opinion. It sounds like he didn't think out what he was saying but he wasn't being intentionally cruel. He probably just thought the cat could go of and die peacefully in the wild. The reality might be different but doesn't mean there is any malice. I feel sorry for your husband being stuck in the middle and you arguing with him all night about it. Step back and try and see some perspective but its totally understandable you are upset about your cat.

[Dackyduddles]

He was a dick.

You were a sulky teenager.

Both wrong, well, 70 / 30.

Sorry about your poor puss though. I'd be in bits too at the situation not the friend.

[TrinityRhino]

yabu

dont let the pain you feel over your cat colour you're ability to just ignore someone saying something that you disagree with

[pictish]

I think you're overreacting too. It's his pov, not an attack on you or your poor old cat. Of course, to many people it would seem a callous thing to say, but he's not trying to offend you.
It's certainly not worth falling out forever over. Your dh is right.

And I am sorry about your cat - Julian Clary once out the lifespan of pets into Room 101, and I thought it a great nomination. Hugs n stuff xxx

[unobtanium]

Hi catlady, I am so sorry for your upset. You were cut to the core by this man's insensitivity and he should have apologised profusely straight away.

I would have done the same as you, I think. I find it hard to understand where such insensitivity comes from -- OK if he is not particularly tuned in to animals nor sensitive to their suffering, but where did this utter disregard for your feelings come from? If his remark was not intended to hurt you, as pp have suggested, it was extremely stupid of him.

So, he was being cruel or stupid. He really must apologise. You should not have to explain why you were so upset. Your dh should support you as far as is possible without actually falling out with this friend.

Let your friend apologise, give yourself time to forget this, and forgive him please -- just never, ever discuss animal welfare with him again. It is a serious no-go area for you with him around.

[diddl]

OP-you know the guy & whether or not he was trying to be nasty or provocative.

Maybe he hadn't thought through what would more likely be the scenario.

[pigletmania]

You are Overreacting a tad, I understand that you are very fragile emotionally, but what he said was stupid but not really worthy of ever speaking to him again

[Lastofthepodpeople]

I don't think you are completely overreacting, unlike most of the other posters. Doing that to an old cat would be a horrendously cruel thing to do. It wouldn't just go 'lie under a bush and die'. If it did die from the experience it would take days or weeks, all the while it would be enormously distressed, hungry and in pain.

It was a thoughtless thing to say especially if you were obviously already upset about the cat being ill. And yes, it was just his opinion but that doesn't make it acceptable to say whatever you like.

However, in the interests of keeping the peace, if he does apologise I would accept it and try and move on.

Sorry about your cat, OP. FWIW, I have spent time working at a vets and found the putting to sleep thing a lot less distressing than you might imagine. It really is like them going to sleep.

[KittensoftPuppydog]

He was a cunt. If this is 'nature's way' I hope that he is dealt with in the same way when he gets a bit old and incontinent.
A cat is a pet, for god's sake, not a wild animal. How frightened would it be?
The op has had this animal for 17 years. It is a member of her family. She is not overreacting to such callous insensitivity.
The friend has shown himself to be an utterrly heartless bastard, and I for one, would be looking at my husband differently if he had friends like this.

[worsestershiresauce]

Blimey OP, either you've led a very sheltered life or you don't get out much. Blokes say stuff like this all the time. They don't actually mean it. It's pathetic school boy humour. The best response is a withering stare and an 'oh really. You are a tit'.

You're being equally childish, and melodramatic to boot. Accept apology, and move on. He'll not do it again.

[MissStrawberry]

I am so sorry you are having to think about an end of life plan for your cat . We lost our cat in May aged almost 19. And the vet said many people would have had her put to sleep a lot sooner than we did (she weed on the floor a lot) but to me it was not a reason to have her PTS. In the end it was due to cancer.

This man is an idiot and definitely should apologise. It was a stupid thing to say but mainly he was not showing someone who is meant to be a friend any compassion or understanding.

YADNBU.

[catlady123]

Oh wow what a lot of comments, I do really appreciate all the feedback, from all sides of the argument. Yes I think I did overreact. There is a lot of history about this cat, I could not have children for many years (eventually only managed to have a baby at 45) and she was really my substitute baby for a long time. She has been with me through a lot in our lives. And I am someone who does certainly believe that animals feel pain, fear etc as much as we do. But I realise now, in the light of day, that my reaction was wrong in scale, and I feel really bad about it. This friend does not generally have form for being horrible or thoughtless, in fact just the opposite. I will meet with him and discuss in a rational manner, with my husband, who is angry with me but being rational and trying now to see both sides.

The topic only came up because, unfortunately, the serving of dinner had to be delayed because the cat had soiled in the dining room, or I don't think the discussion would ever have occurred. I need to decide what to do about her (she is not in pain or suffering as far as we can tell, just causes us a lot of stress by pooing all over the place every day, when we have a small child in the house). That is a separate issue and I need time to deal with it.

[flowery]

If a cat was in a physical state where it was ready to just lay down and die, surely it would? Doesn't sound like that's the case here, more that the incontinence is becoming difficult to manage.

Also some pretty delusional imaginings going on here in terms of what people think will happen to a domesticated elderly cat released into the wild.

The cat will not just take itself off somewhere peaceful and lay down and drift off.

The cat will starve, being unable to catch prey because of being slow and old. The starving cat will then be even weaker and probably killed by a fox or something. Not a nice way to go.

[flowery]

x posts with several people including OP!