to not want to speak to this person again despite him being my hisband's best friend?

[catlady123]

Have namechanged for this, I usually post in a different part of MN. I wanted people’s views on something that has upset me terribly and whether I am being unreasonable, as my husband thinks.

My husband has a best friend who is/was also a good friend of mine. He was over for dinner last night. I mentioned to him in the course of conversation that I am struggling emotionally with the fact that my fragile, old cat has become quite incontinent and I am wondering whether she should be put down at some point as she is soiling the house several times a day and I have a toddler. I have had this cat for over 17 years, through thick and thin in my life and this would be huge thing for me. I mentioned that I had thought of possible asking the vet to come to the house to do the deed without distressing her in any way, but also that I am far from coming to a decision on this yet.

His comment was that I should not do that but should take her a few hours drive away from home and then just let her out into the wild and “let nature take its course”. I was so shocked by this that I could not speak for a while, I then became very upset and refused to have dinner with him, going upstairs to bed instead. I later told my husband that I do not want anything to do with this friend again and that animal cruelty is something I cannot tolerate. I was absolutely shocked that the friend could think that I would take my beloved old cat and do this to her.

My husband’s view was that I was very rude to his friend, that I am being ridiculous, and that “everyone is entitled to their opinion”, although he himself would not actually do this to the cat. This caused a huge fight which has gone on much of the night. I don’t know what to say now. My husband tells me his friend will apologise for what he said. I can’t see that an apology would make any difference, he still thought that such cruelty was OK and that I would do something like this, how can apology for having expressed the opinion change that?

[Panzee]

When my lovely old cat was dying, all he wanted to do was escape outside. I had to hold onto him, he would wait at the front door to try to slip out. In the end he died peacefully in my house, but that was what I wanted, not my cat.

I don't think people should do it, but I don't think it's as cruel as actively killing an animal.

[BeCool]

I too think you are overreacting.

What he said was insensitive but probably came from a place of how animals might act in the "wild" rather than a place of evil/nastiness. Actually he might be right in the at the best thing for your CAT might be to die quietly under a bush. But that clearly isn't the best choice for YOU. I don't think he was coming from a place of animal cruelty though.

Agree with others who say accept the apology and move on. You might also want to apologise for your reaction last night too which seems very OTT.

Sorry your dear pet is so poorly. I know how painful it is to lose an old cat.

[RescueCack]

I don't have a cat and whilst I can't imagine saying what your DH's friend said to a cat lover about their pet, I wouldn't be offended had I overheard the conversation iyswim? I think he wasn't trying to be cruel to you (or hypothetically your cat) he just thought that natural is normal/best for animals. It's hard to really empathise with the horror I'm reading here in conjunction with his suggestion. Don't let this ill-thought comment destroy your relationship with him - it puts your husband in a ridiculous position. He will have to let his friendship go / be damaged over a cat which his friend has no power over or responsibility for, so his opinion is meaningless! I don't think it's really evidence of potential psychosis (hare's scale was referenced up thread). He isn't enjoying the cat's suffering. He just doesn't necessarily think that lots of intervention is a good thing for an animal. Not the same thing at all.

[AmberLeaf]

You are overreacting to what was quite probably a thoughtless 'musing' comment.

TBH and I say this as a cat lover, if your cat lived in the wild she would probably be dead by now in pretty much the way this man described.

[TalkativeJim]

Your cat is domesticated, it doesn't live in the wild where 'nature should take its course'.

I can see why you're so pissed off - even if you rationalise it by saying 'Well it was just a stupid thing to say, some people don't understand blah blah', it's still a hugely stupid insensitive thing to come out with when you'd just been speaking quite emotionally about your attachment to your cat. And who wants an insensitive, clearly stupid twat as their DH's best mate and sat at their dining table? Nobody, that's who!

I'd probably let him apologise and reply with a 'Yes, I'm sorry my reaction was so emotional, however I was totally taken aback as I had no idea that you were so unintelligent.'

Or, next time he wants to come to dinner, say, 'Oh I don't think that would work, as we know, he prefers to let nature take its course - none of this artificial cheaty stuff. Tell you what, I'll make him a catapult, if he can't fell a squirrel while we eat, I'll make sure there's plenty to forage in the compost heap as a backup and we'll put some pudding outside spread on a stick. Then let him in for the port. Good compromise?'

[gremlindolphin]

People can be so stupid!

I think you have to accept the apology and move on with the thought that you are so lucky to have had an animal play such a big part in your life and this man obviously never has and never will do.

I had a couple of similar incidents in my life recently, one where someone started talking about glue factories when my horse was ill and people not understanding my sorrow when my dog died and the fact that i genuinely thought of my dog as a friend as he had been through so much with us.

hugs xx

[Squitten]

I think your reaction was a bit OTT! You could certainly have said something about how you could never do that because it was cruel and just leave it at that.

I'm not sure a stupid comment is worth ruining your dinner, having a row with your DH the whole night long and causing an issue between your DH and his friend.

[FannyFifer]

Some people just don't get pets, it's an animal, just let it of outside, that's nature etc.

I think you have over reacted, accept apology and apologise for going off in a huff.

You really should phone vet & see what they say re getting your cat put down, it must be distressing for the cat to be so incontinent, don't let it suffer. That's part of being a good owner unfortunately.

[SummerRain]

Hatty, what you're describing is a Disney movie.

In the real world old and weak animals are torn apart by scavengers who rarely wait respectfully for the animal to actually die, they start to feed as soon as the animal slows down. Animals in the wild don't die of old age, they are killed by other animals.

OP I don't agree with your friend, but I do think your emotions about your cats ill health are blowing it out of proportion a bit. I have friends who aren't animal people, I just avoid conversations about animals with them. I doubt very much he would actually ever do what he suggested, he was just spouting shite after probably having a glass or two. Has he ever had a cat? People who haven't don't really get that we get as emotionally attached as dog people do to dogs... He might have had no idea what he was actually suggesting.

[quoteunquote]

It was crass,

but you are over reacting,

don't transpose one set of difficult feeling about the cat, onto the first person to be insensitive about it,

You are just facing the last act of kindness bit, it's the deal we make as owners when we take on an animal, to ensure they don't suffer, it's the pay off for years of loyal service.

He took the "if it lived in the wild it would of died a natural death quite a while ago", and turned it into it would be kindest to leave the cat to it,

Cats quite often take themselves off to die in a hedge somewhere, fine if that what they want, not a fine if it was forced.

Sit down have a chat tell him you were upset about him being insensitive, and move on.

[OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly]

Maybe he knows nothing about cats. Maybe someone once told him thats the best thing to do. I think you are massively over-reacting and yes, were very rude to storm off and refuse to have dinner with them. You should apologise.

[AmberLeaf]

A while back one of our cats was very old and had been ill, she got ill again and her quality of life just wasn't that good.

The vet came to our home to put her to sleep, it was much less stressful for her than being taken in the car etc.

Im sure a number of vets offer this service.

[Nancy66]

I can't even see anything wrong with what he said. I think if apologies are owed it's from you to him

[AmberLeaf]

Who is that for Lunaticfringe? you or the cat?

[PoppyFleur]

So sorry to hear about your cat.

I say this as a cat person who sobbed for days on end when my cat died 2 years ago but YABU. Some people will completely understand how you feel & the awful choice you face but some will not. Seek out like minded sympathetic people & don't discuss with others who aren't able to empathise.

If this friendship has been a good one (par this stupid comment) then accept the apology & move on.

[CosmicForce]

I think it would be hugely distressing for a cat used to a loving home to be dumped somewhere and left to die. I am not a cat lover but I can see that, but some people just can't seem to empathise with humans let alone pets. Your love for your cat has made you so sensitive to it's feelings, which is lovely, but sadly some other people simply don't feel this way.

I think that by refusing to speak to him again you leave yourself open to becoming the butt of his jokes (behind your back), so I would tell him you are very sad and distressed about your cat's life coming to an end, and that his opinion upset you. Then try to let it go, and then help your poor cat come to as comfortable an end as possible.

I bet your cat has had a wonderful life with you.

[CeliaFate]

You're upset about your cat.

He belittled that and added insult to injury by suggesting something horrific.

I don't think yabu to be upset and to expect an apology from him.
Yabu not to speak to him again, although I understand your distress.

[CeliaFate]

Nancy66 you don't think it's wrong to take a sick, old, pet and dump it in a strange place for it to starve to death?

Wow.

[AmberLeaf]

I don't see how an incontinent cat with dementia can be happy though.

How bad does it have to be before you [general you, not just you] consider having a pet PTS?

[Loa]

I'd mark the person as an 'idiot' but I would be polite with them in the future but that would be it and probably more for my DH than the actual guy.

The cat was ever in any danger but the guy was incredibly thoughtless to how you were feeling.

[CoffeeTea103]

You have massively overreacted! And yes you were being rude to behave this way, he is entitled to his opinion and may have just been ignorant as to what he was saying.

You are in a sensitive, emotional state and projecting this onto people who might not even have an idea what this means to you.

He should apologize for being insensitive but so should you, maybe explain to him why you felt so upset.

Your DH said his friend will apologize, so move on.

[MrsOakenshield]

I'm afraid I think you, quite understandably but nonetheless, over-reacted. I also have to agree with Lunatic - from what you say the cat is not ill or in pain, but is soiling all over the place and as you have a toddler that's now - not an inconvenience, but something like that - so you want to have the cat put down. I do feel a bit about that. If the cat is suffering, that's a different thing. But if the cat isn't, I think you need to look into a way of managing this situation.

I think you husband's friend thought what he was suggesting was more humane? Probably wrongly, but I don't think he was out to intentionally cause you distress.

I think you need to apologise, and talk to the vet about how to manage your cat's incontinence.

[choceyes]

It was a horrible thing to say and I'm no surprised you are upset.

But I also think you are overreacting a bit. Depending on how the friend is generally I'd agree to disagree and move on.