to not want to speak to this person again despite him being my hisband's best friend?

[catlady123]

Have namechanged for this, I usually post in a different part of MN. I wanted people’s views on something that has upset me terribly and whether I am being unreasonable, as my husband thinks.

My husband has a best friend who is/was also a good friend of mine. He was over for dinner last night. I mentioned to him in the course of conversation that I am struggling emotionally with the fact that my fragile, old cat has become quite incontinent and I am wondering whether she should be put down at some point as she is soiling the house several times a day and I have a toddler. I have had this cat for over 17 years, through thick and thin in my life and this would be huge thing for me. I mentioned that I had thought of possible asking the vet to come to the house to do the deed without distressing her in any way, but also that I am far from coming to a decision on this yet.

His comment was that I should not do that but should take her a few hours drive away from home and then just let her out into the wild and “let nature take its course”. I was so shocked by this that I could not speak for a while, I then became very upset and refused to have dinner with him, going upstairs to bed instead. I later told my husband that I do not want anything to do with this friend again and that animal cruelty is something I cannot tolerate. I was absolutely shocked that the friend could think that I would take my beloved old cat and do this to her.

My husband’s view was that I was very rude to his friend, that I am being ridiculous, and that “everyone is entitled to their opinion”, although he himself would not actually do this to the cat. This caused a huge fight which has gone on much of the night. I don’t know what to say now. My husband tells me his friend will apologise for what he said. I can’t see that an apology would make any difference, he still thought that such cruelty was OK and that I would do something like this, how can apology for having expressed the opinion change that?

[Nancy66]

Celia - I am not saying it's a good plan but I don't think it's as shocking as others do that this dinner guest would say it. Why not? The subject was on the table.

When I first started reading the OP I thought she was going to say that he had offered to run it over with his car

[LadyClariceCannockMonty]

I understand that animals often find a quiet place when they know they're about to die, but taking a pet cat, presumably fairly domesticated, away from its home environment of 17 years and into some strange bit of countryside and leaving it to die is not particularly humane or natural, IMO.

I can't decide if you were over-reacting or if you're owed an apology, tbh, but I think rather than leaving the room I'd have said something like the above to him and invited him to debate/discuss it with me. Maybe the discussion would have reached a point where no apology was needed, from anyone.

Your DH can piss off, though, I have decided about that. You weren't being ridiculous and if you were rude, it's pretty understandable.

[DesperatelySeekingSedatives]

YANBU to be upset at the idea of doing that toy our cat but you are totally overreacting. Sorry, but you are. Accept his apology and move on. Honestly, why I can't get my head around his reasoning in his mind he isn't being deliberately horrible I wouldnt have thought. The opposite in fact.

[GingerBeerAndTinnedPeaches]

You are over-reacting. Massively, but understandably. You need to accept his apology and move on. In your position I would also apologise for over-reacting. I'm sorry about your cat, it is very distressing to watch them suffer. Fwiw I am with you, I think pts is far kinder than abandoning the poor animal.

[WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes]

Another one who thinks you are over-reacting. Is it really worth losing a good friend (and putting your husband in a really difficult situation with his best friend) over one thoughtless comment?

Sorry about your cat though, it must be a very difficult time for you.

[DesperatelySeekingSedatives]

to your not toy our. sorry. exhaustion making my typing mental.

[auntmargaret]

Overreacting, I'm afraid. Accept the apology, it was a thoughtless comment. I had to have my beloved 16 year old dog put down a few years ago, he was so stiff he could hardly walk. The vet came to our house, spoke to us and put him to sleep on the living room floor. We were with him, he wasn't distressed and it was very peaceful. It cost a lot more, but worth every penny. We are also having the pee problem with an ancient cat just now, but haven't decided what to do yet.

[sarascompact]

If anything you massivelyunder reacted. Uncivilised people have no place at my dinner table. The man is cruel and offensive and I'd have thrown him out of my house immediately. I wouldn't be allowing him back in at any stage either and I'd also be seriously considering if my husband was the sort of man I wanted in my life if he responded to the situation as yours did.

[nemno]

I've lived somewhere where putting a pet out to die is common. This is due to superstition, it being terrible if something dies in the home. So I consider views like the OP's friend has can be due to ignorance and background rather than cruelty. I think it is cruel to do this. But it is possible for an apology to be meant and in doing so the apologiser may well have thought it through a bit more.

[Nancy66]

sarascompact....oh my god, you can't be serious!

[AmberLeaf]

Amber you would if you met him. He eats well, grooms himself and jumps up on to the sofa to sit on my lap. He stays in the house and garden where he's comfortable

Fair enough and sorry if my question came across judgy, I didn't mean it to, but reading back it did, so sorry

[MrsOakenshield]

don't be so ridiculous sarascompact.

[Crowler]

I think you're overreacting.

Personally, I hate cats and I say horrible things about them to my husband all the time just to irritate him (he loves cats).

This guy was being insensitive, I would guess it was a poorly judged joke. It doesn't mean he would abuse a cat.

[sarascompact]

Why can't I be serious, Nancy66? He would have been thrown out and debarred from coming to my home again. My husband would have been questioned as to why he thought it an acceptable thing for his friend to say or believe. I can't put it any more plainly than that, can I? I'm serious.

[sarascompact]

You can think my stance ridiculous, MrsOakenshield. I don't, and even if I were I draw the line at you telling me what to do.

[EsTutMirLeid]

You are completely overreacting but it's understandable because you're upset about your cat. hully summed it up best. Explain to the friend is upset you, allow them to apologise and get on with life.

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

Another one here who thinks you massively over-reacted sorry. I can understand you being upset about your cat, but obviously your friend doesn't share the same love of your cat. I honestly don't think that he will have said it from a place of cruelty.

Did you say you had been friends with him for some time too, so why didn't you just tell him that you thought he was insensitive and close the conversation. End of, no need for ongoing arguments with your husband and banishing people from the house.

If you caught him kicking your cat or a deliberate act of cruelty then fair enough but to react as you have to his suggestion is pretty childish to be honest.

[FoxMulder]

You don't have to believe the same as your friends to be friends with them surely? My DH's best friend is the polar opposite of him, but that's OK because I'm not married to his friend...

[whatastar]

you have over-reacted ,if he does feel he should say sorry accept and move on ,bearing a grudge does not help anyone .

[Xiaoxiong]

I'm very very sorry to hear about your cat

But I'm another one in the "accept his apology" camp. Before I had an elderly dog I probably would have made some thoughtless comment as I am well known for putting my foot in it. I just would have said something dumb that I never would have actually done to any animal.

But when our wonderful old pup hit 18 no one else in the family could face it so I took her to the vet the day she couldn't get up and cried my heart out. Typing this has made me sob remembering her looking at me now and that was nearly 10 years ago so I can only empathise with your grief and how angry you are feeling now about what he said. Massive massive hugs.

[moanalot]

I knew of a vet in who had been given the job of burying someone's beloved little dog after he had been put to sleep. She asked that he specifically buried him in a beautiful scenic area next to a tree because she didnt have the heart to do it.This country vet had different ideas and after collecting his fee drove off with beloved dog in car and stopped at a bridge with a fast flowing river beneath it. Little beloved dog was then thrown unceremoniously into the river and the vet drove off happy in the knowledge that the woman would never know. It does seem a cruel thing to do but the point is the ways of people who've been brought up in the country are different to others. They don't have time for sentiment....is it possible your friend is one of those type, he wasn't meaning to be cruel but he just thought natures way might be the best option. He's probably mortified about your reaction and wishes he'd not said anything, but think of your husband too, it puts him in such an awkward position. Accept his apology and try to bear in mind that everybody has different ways and opinions. It's just not worth falling out over.

[TheBigJessie]

I would have had a huge problem with it.

Because it's a fucking stupid suggestion. It would have been discussed to death, until said friend apologised for opening his mouth without engaging his brain first, and promised he would never do such a thing with any animal of his own.

[HattyJack]

I'm glad I don't get invited to your hose, Jessie

Your reaction would be acceptable if the friend had intended to offend. Otherwise it's not really on to grind your guests down until they tell you they agree in order to shut you up long enough to leave in a reasonably dignified manner.

There is no suggestion he set out to offend anyone. I still don't know why we think putting down pets is humane and putting down people is not. And I'd still choose to die quietly in the woods over having an injection in an operating theatre.