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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be very concerned about this situation?

63 replies

Icantstopeatinglol · 08/09/2013 16:57

Ok situation is dsd goes to a dance school on a weekend. She's been talking about a guy there for a while now and it turns out he's the owners son who works there and as far as we know he's late twenties/early thirties. Dsd is 15. We've been slightly wary but assumed crush maybe and as long as he's not encouraging her then not a problem.
Anyway, dh happened to notice a text flash up on dsd phone yesterday just before dsd grabbed it which said 'yey I get to see you today xxxxxxxxxxxx' times those kisses by about 40!
Dh was taken aback by it but spoke to her later and she reckons it was a one off and she knows he shouldn't be doing it and she's going to tell him to stop. She's said nothing's going on they are just friends.
Dh's head is all over cos he knows he needs to do something but he can't decide what's the best plan of action as he's worried it will all come back on his dd which will then mean her leaving the school.
I think he needs to spk to the owner and threaten with the police if she doesn't say she will spk to her son and make sure it stops?
What would you all do?
I'd love to go down and rip him a new arsehole and I don't think he should be working there!

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 08/09/2013 17:00

I would have to say something. If that lead to her not being able to go back there, then so be it.

Totally inappropriate IMO.

AmberLeaf · 08/09/2013 17:00

Id also check for any other messages on her phone.

Has she said any more about it? how long has this been going on?

Original poster
Icantstopeatinglol · 08/09/2013 17:02

That's what I've been saying, I'm more concerned about her safety than her happiness....harsh but true!

OP posts:
cocolepew · 08/09/2013 17:03

I would speak to him and tell him to stay away from her and not to text her. Totally inappropriate.

DuchessFanny · 08/09/2013 17:03

I'd very probably speak to the owner as there's a good chance you DSD will say nothing to discourage the attentions of this young man.

Original poster
Icantstopeatinglol · 08/09/2013 17:04

Can't check her phone cos she's gone home now but she was very cagey saying it was the only time he's text like that which I don't believe. It would be very coincidental if dh managed to spot the only text that he's ever sent like that. I think we'd be very naive to believe that.

OP posts:
beals692 · 08/09/2013 17:04

I'd suggest ringing someone like the NSPCC for advice. This guy presumably has access to a lot of young girls so I doubt she's the only one he's tried this on with.

coco27 · 08/09/2013 17:05

I would take it further, because you can bet your DD isn't/won't be the only one he is grooming

Original poster
Icantstopeatinglol · 08/09/2013 17:06

Good idea beals, I'm concerned she's not the only young girl he has/will paid attention to.

OP posts:
BrokenSunglasses · 08/09/2013 17:07

Stuff like this is not uncommon.

You need to talk to your dd. if she's in a relationship with a significantly older man when she's still only 15, you need to make her aware that there could be consequences for both of them, and what those consequences are.

If she really likes this guy, then she's probably not concentrating as she should be when she's at this dance school anyway, so if she did have to leave, it wouldn't be a bad thing. I doubt that will happen though, if they school has any sense they will get rid of him and reassess their abysmal safeguarding procedures.

Hassled · 08/09/2013 17:07

I can see why your DH is spitting feathers but he needs to calm down and not deal with this in haste.

Speaking to the owner is probably your best bet - the owner's not going to want a whiff of scandal about the place and if he has any sense he'll keep his son well away.

FreeAtLastAtLongLast · 08/09/2013 17:08

Definitely report him!

Writerwannabe83 · 08/09/2013 17:09

Why is a guy that age texting young girls and sending messages that include kisses? He shouldn't even have her mobile number!

That is very, very worrying!
I would go straight to the dance school and alert the owners!

Men who think it is ok to act like this shouldn't be around young girls and teenagers as they clearly don't have an awareness of moral boundaries x

Original poster
Icantstopeatinglol · 08/09/2013 17:10

Totally agree writer, I've told dh if he doesn't sort it I will cos of be devastated if we do nothing then he's in the papers in a few years for child abuse!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 08/09/2013 17:13

What is the relationship like between you, your DH and her mother?

Have you told her?

Original poster
Icantstopeatinglol · 08/09/2013 17:15

nanny it's not ideal to be honest but were ok. Apparently her mam know he texts her and has told dsd to let her know if he tries anything on?!? So my opinion on that is bypass her mam and go straight to the owner.

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 08/09/2013 17:30

Blooming heck- how stupid do you need to be!! She is 15 how the heck will she know if its gone too far , and how will she extract herself from a situation when it inevitably happens!

A not so quiet word to the owner and report to whoever regulates them with regard to their safeguarding.

Original poster
Icantstopeatinglol · 08/09/2013 17:34

timeforabiscuit unfortunately her mams reaction is no surprise. Id ring the owner straight away but I'm having to be careful as its not really my place and dh has spoken to dsd and he's going to sort it (but he doesn't know how yet). Rest assured though I will cos I'm so angry about it! She's 15 for christs sake!

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 08/09/2013 17:43

Dsd is an impressionable 15 yo. This guys should not be texting her and talking to her like this. It is very wrong and he may be grooming her to take things further. Why else would a man that age be texting a girl of 15?

Sadly this is all too common. I work as a SW in child protection and we see things like this all the time. Older guy showing a young girls attention then it escalates to dirty talk, asking for inappropriate pictures, asking to meet up.

Right now you have nothing much to go on. Your DH needs to speak to his DD and see if she will take on board his concerns. Speaking to the man's father may work or it may drive the guy to become more secretive. You can also speak to the Police and get their advice. The guy may even be known to them.

Original poster
Icantstopeatinglol · 08/09/2013 17:55

littlewhitebag dh has spoken to dd and she seems to have taken onboard what's he's said but then I'm thinking how do we know for sure? I didn't think this would happen so I don't want to just leave it. Dsd seems happy we haven't told her mam about it as she said she would go mad but her mam already knew about him texting but said to let her know if he tried it on.
I just don't know the right way to handle it cos its not just my dsd but every other little girl that goes there.

OP posts:
Listentomum · 08/09/2013 17:56

Police

littlewhitebag · 08/09/2013 18:00

Call the police. They will have a specialist team who deal with child protection issues and will be able to advise you further. However, at this stage there are no allegations being made, just some texts which are a bit inappropriate.

Original poster
Icantstopeatinglol · 08/09/2013 18:01

Thanks littlewhitebag I'll spk to dh and get him to call them for advice.

OP posts:
yellowballoons · 08/09/2013 18:12

Just a slight question. I assume that he is as old as you think he is, and is not say 20?

littlewhitebag · 08/09/2013 18:15

yellowballoons Even if he was 20 the same concerns stand. Absolutely no difference at all. He is an adult and she is a child. The only age difference which might be acceptable is if he was maybe 16/17.