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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that there isn't anything wrong with being a Sugar Baby?

74 replies

IAmMiranda · 05/09/2013 18:27

Been reading a lot on the "sugar world" since a friend (let's call her Sugar) told me she was considering becoming a "Sugar Baby".

A lot of people compare it to prostitution but to me it seems more like a relationship without the commitment. (The normal "arrangements" anyway).

Sugar is afraid that people will get the wrong idea and think that she is a slag but she prefers older men and wants to be looked after.

Of course she will need to be sensible and be safe and whilst it isn't a lifestyle choice I would make I respect her and will be there for her if she needs me.

But I'm curious about what other people think of the Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby thing? Does anyone know any?

Best sources of reference I have found has been Arrangement site

Blog of a Sugar Baby - I admit that it took a bit of searching to find a blog written by someone who came across as thoughtful and intelligent, there were a lot there that some may label as "Chavs"

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 05/09/2013 18:29

Oh dear

Casmama · 05/09/2013 18:33

I am not going to click on your links but to me the title says it all. What happens when she isn't a "baby" anymore and is replaced by a younger model. Will she have wasted time she could have spent developing a career and be left on the scrap heap?
I have no problem with age differences but am extremely uncomfortable with the power dynamic.

Calloh · 05/09/2013 18:36

Well I think anyone can do what they want with their own bodies so long as its consensual etc. I don't think she should be judged for it but ten I wouldn't judge someone who worked as a prostitute.

It does seem a little open to abuse and that you surrender certain powers in exchange for money.

I personally find it a but distasteful and don't really get why people would find it a turn on to pay for sex.

But like you said its up to her. I hope my daughters wouldn't do it though.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/09/2013 18:37

There is an awful lot wrong with it, so YABU. If you like your friend you'd dissuade her from making herself vulnerable.

Calloh · 05/09/2013 18:38

Casmama said it better - the power dynamic is unsettling and it would presumably take emotional resilience to adjust to feeling a bit like a commodity.

And I am sorry for my typos.

lagertops · 05/09/2013 18:38

I say tell your friend to go for it.

OP, if you were at all surprised by my saying that, then deep down you know it's wrong. Tell your friend (or yourself, if you're just using the 'friend' excuse to deflect the flaming) to start valuing herself and to get an education. Sheesh, I have more respect for strippers than kept women as at least they are earning their own money and contributing to society by paying taxes.

Loeri · 05/09/2013 18:41

As long as both people are fully aware of what the relationship is, I don't see a problem.

Original poster
IAmMiranda · 05/09/2013 18:41

I'm pretty sure OH would have something to say about it if it were me Grin

She has a degree and a masters (I think she completed this August) so it's not a lack of education thing.

OP posts:
GingerBlackAndOriental · 05/09/2013 18:44

Look if she wants to exchange sex for gifts/rent paid etc then thats up to her. It is prostitution though to be fair. In all the sense of the word anyways.

Original poster
IAmMiranda · 05/09/2013 18:48

I know a lot of marriages that would match that definition to be fair.

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 05/09/2013 18:50

On that site the women put how much cash they expect in exchange

So it is prostitution. Not the same as aN equal relationship at all IMO

Judezx · 05/09/2013 18:52

What's the age cut off to be a sugar baby? Can't believe I'm more likely to qualify for the sugar momma section than the baby. weeps

Pretty sure most of the daddies won't be looking like the Cloonyesque models used on the homepage of that dating site.

lagertops · 05/09/2013 18:53

IAmMiranda does your friend hold herself in low-esteem? Even if she's not the shy, mousy type, does she come across like she's overcompensating with her personality? Maybe it's not about being showered with gifts, maybe its about validation.

Casmama · 05/09/2013 18:54

I assume the marriages you speak of are actually based on love and a couple commuting to each other for the rest of their lves. If they choose for one partner to work and one to stay at home that doesn't necessarily define the power balance. To compare that sort of marriage to this is frankly ridiculous.

fluffyraggies · 05/09/2013 18:55

There was a thread a few weeks ago by a poster who was herself a 'sugar baby' (vom) and was boasting about how attractive and wonderful she must be asking why her friends were a bit Hmm about it.

Trying to remember the title - you could search for it OP - it was quite a long thread in the end. Many posters wrote some very well thought out answers.

runningonwillpower · 05/09/2013 18:55

I just think that getting a regular job - ideally with a good pension scheme - has to be more rewarding and self-fulfilling that sucking up to (and for) some old geezer who happens to have some spare cash.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/09/2013 18:55

"I know a lot of marriages that would match that definition to be fair."
And we all know that two wrongs make a right ... and besides, even if one spouse is 'kept' by the other, they have legal rights. Completely different power dynamic.

Casmama · 05/09/2013 18:56

Committing Blush

LynetteScavo · 05/09/2013 18:59

But surely, if you can get yourself a sugar daddy, you can get yourself a decent job and a proper life partner? I don't see the point. Confused

lagertops · 05/09/2013 19:01

I have no issue with those whos ideal criteria in a partner involves someone who has had a decent education and maybe comes from a good background, as long as there is genuine feelings and respect for each other, but to base a whole relationship on convenience is unsettling to me and just reeks of sexual manipulation. Why objectify yourself in this way as a women? Don't the media do this enough?

GingerBlackAndOriental · 05/09/2013 19:04

It's nothing like a marriage at all.

It is putting a price tag/gift tag on ones time and body.

Calloh · 05/09/2013 19:10

OP - I hate the marriage prostitution thing. I really hate it. Because its so ridiculously untrue and offensive.

It totally denigrates the whole idea of loving, lasting union by suggesting women can't have sexual desire and love but just want money and men can't feel love but just lust and a desire to sire children. This really, really angers me.

I'm sure you weren't saying that all marriage are like that but how can any observer see what goes on in the core of a marriage? Do you genuinely know people who got married clearly stating it was based on greed on one side and lust the other with no pretense of love whatsoever?

Original poster
IAmMiranda · 05/09/2013 19:14

Hi Calloh - I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to cause offense. I worked as a Nanny for a long time and I worked for a lot of exceptionally wealthy families. I can confidentally say that a lot (by no means all, but a lot) of the women in these marriages had married into it for money. There was no love between them.

I'm not saying all marriages are like this at all, but it can be a fair comparison to some relationships.

OP posts:
parakeet · 05/09/2013 19:15

It wouldn't be my life choice but I have no problem with other people doing it. But then I have no problem with prostitution. And this is a form of prostitution, let's be honest here.

The blog is quite funny - unintentionally I fear. For instance, in the first post, she addresses the tricky problem of what to do if your "Daddy" is hideously ugly: "Instead of focusing on their faces, I try to focus on other things I find attractive about them. For example, do they donate to charity? I find that sexy."

attheendoftheday · 05/09/2013 19:20

Hmm didn't someone post this exact thread a few weeks ago?

I think it's very U. It supports the idea within society that women's bodies can to bought, and therefore by association owned. Even if your friend isn't screwed up by this belief, other women will be. Her choices are not made in a void and they affect others around us.

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