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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you reply to someone who repeatedly cancels on you?

54 replies

addictedtofarmville · 04/09/2013 23:11

My friend is quite flakey. She's nice enough though and I do enjoy her company when we meet up. Tonight she sent me yet another message cancelling a planned meet up tomorrow morning once we've dropped the kids at school. Rather than reply with my usual 'yeah that's no problem' I sent a text back saying that's a shame and that I'm disappointed as I turned down making plans with another friend as we already had it planned. She's come back with an apology but I think she's a bit annoyed with me. I get fed up of sitting on my hands though, I don't want her to think of me as a total pushover because I'm not.

AIBU to voice that I'm a bit peeved or is it more the done thing to just say it's fine and then not make any other plans with her?

OP posts:

pictish · 04/09/2013 23:13

Just don't set the time aside. If you make plans with her, and something else crops up that seems more appealing...like cba, choose it. That's what she does.
Don't do it maliciously...just take the same tack.

PrincessFlirtyPants · 04/09/2013 23:14

Oh this drives me mad! My hairdresser was like this, cancelled all the time (once she did it 6 times in 7 days and the other time was at 10pm the night before my wedding)

YANBU to be pissed of at her at all! She's treating your time as if it has no value.

Good for you texting back to say you are disappointed. If she's annoyed then that's unreasonable.

RussianBlu · 04/09/2013 23:15

I wouldnt bother replying, but next time she suggests a meet up I would just decline. She will surely get the message and then may well start keeping to the meet up plans in future.

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps · 04/09/2013 23:15

Just don't bother with them anymore. It's disrespectful and they are not worth your time. I stopped inviting said person to things and she got the hump until I pointed out that she hadn't bothered her arse about several different things.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/09/2013 23:26

"She's come back with an apology but I think she's a bit annoyed with me."
Why do you think she's annoyed?

Not that it matters because frankly, she has no right to be annoyed. She 'booked' your time, preventing you from doing anything else with it (because you honour your commitments). There's absolutely nothing wrong with pointing out to her that had she not done so, you would have used the time to meet someone else. You have a life, you are not tucked back into the toybox when she doesn't want to play with you. Or is that it - you're 'hers' and she childishly doesn't like to share?

"AIBU to voice that I'm a bit peeved or is it more the done thing to just say it's fine and then not make any other plans with her?"
YANBU and it will do her good to have you pull her up for her rudeness. She should thank her lucky stars you didn't text 'What, again? Why am I not surprised? '. You could have said nothing but that would probably have poisoned your friendship with resentment. This way, she is aware that cancelling pisses you off, and maybe she shouldn't do it at the drop of a hat.

Maggietess · 04/09/2013 23:32

YANBU!!!

This drives me absolutely mental. I don't know why but I have seem to have 3 or 4 friends like this (maybe I should take a hint!).

Good on you for actually saying something. I normally do the no problem one and then think to myself right that's the last time I ask her, up to her... Then my need to plan my week the following week gets the better of me and before you know it I've suggested another meet up...

I genuinely don't understand why people do it, I can't get my head round it. If I commit to doing something I do it, if I'm not sure I'll say I'm not sure and not to rely on me this time. My friend who tells me when she does and doesn't want to do something - I totally love her! Just tell me if you don't want to meet up, I'd far rather that than last minute cancellations when you've planned your day around it.

... And breathe.... You've to he'd a nerve clearly.

Anyhow YANBU and you're totally tight to call her on it!!

Maggietess · 04/09/2013 23:33

*hit a nerve

MoonlightandRoses · 04/09/2013 23:35

Frankly, I don't - people like that are great for a catch-up chat if you bump into them, but not worth organising anything for or changing existing plans to accomodate.

Icedink · 04/09/2013 23:48

I had a friend like that, I got so sick of being messed around that I slowly phased her out. People like that never change ime.

reddaisy · 04/09/2013 23:53

If people really want to spend time with you then they will. Let her seek you out next time and see if she sticks to the arrangements, if not then you should focus on your reliable friends. We were a tight group of 6 friends from uni, we used to all meet up but one would always drop out so eventually we stopped asking her and now she complains that she misses out!

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 04/09/2013 23:56

Either don't arrange anything with her again, or only do it when you have no other options and have a Plan B for the day of your own (e.g. a day where if she cancels that's fine because you will be able to go swimming, which you like to do alone, instead, or something like that). Certainly never cancel anything else for a meet-up with her again.

She was annoyed because she knows this is shoddy, but relies on the 'sure no prob' response to make her feel OK about herself. Quite right that this time you didn't validate her bad behaviour.

Lilacroses · 05/09/2013 00:10

Don't give it too much more thought. Well done for being honest about how you felt. I agree with others, distance yourself a bit and definitely don't be available next time she texts to meet up. We had friends that did this and we did take a step back, finally she said "have I pissed you off?" and I was honest and told her that yes she had because she literally never made any effort to call and constantly cancelled our meet ups. She has been really, really thoughtful ever since. I'm glad we talked about it in the end.

TylerHopkins · 05/09/2013 00:24

I have a friend who constantly cancels on me. Whenever we make plans now I always prepare for the fact she's going to cancel and I line up something else just in case. I also don't feel as guilty if I have to cancel either. It does hurt me sometimes though because it makes me feel kind of second best, like she's only using me until a better offer comes along.

dubstarr73 · 05/09/2013 07:53

I have a friend who does this she done it once to often.She cancelled on me when i got my dp to take a day off work.So we could have a whole day without kids.She doesnt have any.

She let me down so i lost the head.She hasnt done it since.

wordfactory · 05/09/2013 07:58

I have a friend like like this. Constantly cancelling and if she does turn up she's always late.

Earlier this year, she proposed a business idea to me, which although a good one, didn't appeal because going into business with her would be a nightmare. DH actually told me he'd be pissed off with me if I did it!

I didn't tell her the reason, I just sort of never took it forward. And now she's pissed off with me!!!!

Original poster

addictedtofarmville · 05/09/2013 09:12

Thanks everyone for the replies. I've decided not to make any plans with her in future. If she wants to meet up with me she can contact me, and I think even then I will take a less committed approach to meeting up, so if I wake up on the day and don't feel like meeting up then I won't feel guilty for cancelling if I'm tired or just can't be arsed.

Yesterday afternoon I saw some photos on Facebook of her out with two friends for the afternoon and I had a hunch then that she would cancel, as she normally seems to book up her week and then cancel whoever she can get away with cancelling. And she always seems to be able to keep to arrangements with certain friends of hers, it's always me that gets cancelled so that she can go shopping, or because she's tired, or other lame excuses.

OP posts:

lottieandmia · 05/09/2013 09:15

I have a friend exactly like this and it annoys me too. Her classic thing is to ask if she can call round for a coffee, I say yes of course and then around the time she is supposed to arrive she sends a text saying she's running a bit late and then doesn't turn up at all.

I used to take it personally but then saw from another person's comment to her on facebook that she obviously does this quite a lot. I just don't make plans with her any more.

Hullygully · 05/09/2013 09:20

I had a friend who was always late so one day I waited 15 minutes and went home. She rang me hysterical from a phone box (yes it was a long time ago) and I calmly said that from now on I would wait 10 mins and no more. She isn't much better 20 years later - so hey ho. No comfort in my post.

blueballoon79 · 05/09/2013 09:21

How bizarre that I came across your thread right now!
The exact same thing has been happening to me with a friend of mine!
She keeps asking me to meet up, then cancels just the evening before leaving me with nothing planned for the day as I'd kept it free to see her.

She's cancelled on me five times in a row recently and I've had enough of it now. I'm not going to bother arranging anything again.

Original poster

addictedtofarmville · 05/09/2013 09:26

My friend also does things such as makes plans to see me, for example to come to mine for lunch at 12pm. Turns up late, all frazzled then says 'can't stay long, I'm meeting X and Y later', and literally stays the bare minimum time, and then goes off to meet others.

Yet on the few occasions when I've met up with her and had to leave earlier than planned she has got really arsey

OP posts:

Lethologica · 05/09/2013 09:30

I think you did the right thing.

Yonihadtoask · 05/09/2013 09:32

I have/had a friend like this too OP.

Over the years I kind of got used to it, but the final straw was when she cancelled on my birthday - with a banal excuse. No apology either.

So I just don't contact her now. The odd fb comment, but that is all. I am not going out of my way to share my free time with someone who isn't that bothered.

In my book if you make arrangements, then you stick to them.

ExcuseTypos · 05/09/2013 09:33

By what you've said she just sounds rude and not very nice.

I think you're right to not make an effort from now on.

I have a friend who's always late. After years of waiting for her, I now also arrive late. So if she says meet at 12.30, I'll turn up at 12.45. I'm still always there before her though, but only by a few minutes.

TenToWine · 05/09/2013 09:34

I have a firend like this. When she cancels she always suggests alternative dates and I have taken to saying I cant make the other dates (some of the time anyway). A lot of the time she finds you can make the original date after all when I push back.

Bonsoir · 05/09/2013 09:34

I give up. I cannot bear unreliable people.

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