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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you reply to someone who repeatedly cancels on you?

54 replies

addictedtofarmville · 04/09/2013 23:11

My friend is quite flakey. She's nice enough though and I do enjoy her company when we meet up. Tonight she sent me yet another message cancelling a planned meet up tomorrow morning once we've dropped the kids at school. Rather than reply with my usual 'yeah that's no problem' I sent a text back saying that's a shame and that I'm disappointed as I turned down making plans with another friend as we already had it planned. She's come back with an apology but I think she's a bit annoyed with me. I get fed up of sitting on my hands though, I don't want her to think of me as a total pushover because I'm not.

AIBU to voice that I'm a bit peeved or is it more the done thing to just say it's fine and then not make any other plans with her?

OP posts:
BIWI · 05/09/2013 09:35

Personally, I would look back over the last few times you've arranged to meet, and see how many of theses times she has cancelled you. Then the next time she asks or texts you, just say - in a calm and neutral voice - that's fine, [friend's name], but can we make this a definite arrangement this time, because you have cancelled x out of our last y number of appointments. And see how she responds. You will have made your point but without getting annoyed.

LondonNinja · 05/09/2013 09:37

I have a friend like this and she's a pain in the arse. It gets me so cross. It's so rude to be cavalier with other people's free time, I think.

I, too, will now cancel if I CBA. Sod it!

justmyview · 05/09/2013 09:42

I think you have to accept that most people who are unreliable / flaky are not likely to change. I have one friend who cancels frequently. It tends to be because she's overcommitted herself and really can't follow through everything that she is promised, as opposed to getting a better offer elsewhere, but it still irritates me.

My solution has been to arrange to meet up with her in a group. On the downside, it means I rarely get to see her on her own. On the other hand, if she cancels, it's less inconvenient to me, because the others are still around

emsyj · 05/09/2013 09:47

I had a 'friend' who I thought was a very close friend to me - she was my bridesmaid at my wedding, for example. I organised a big night out for my 30th birthday and asked her for available dates, which she confirmed. I delayed the night out for over 2 months beyond my actual birthday so that the important people to me could attend (including her). She then emailed me a week before the night to say that she was instead going to her boyfriend's mate's 30th birthday party that night, including the immortal line 'Yes I know I am mean and horrid' so I just never spoke to her again. No loss either - I don't miss her a bit!

When you cut out a crap friend, a better one will take their place within 12 months in my experience.

Original poster
addictedtofarmville · 05/09/2013 10:16

I find it so frustrating as it seems to be only me that she's flaky with; she remembers nights out and coffee meetups with others.

OP posts:
Mimishimi · 05/09/2013 10:21

Just don't bother trying to arrange anything yourself. If she tries to arrange something, agree to it then ...... cancel [devilish grin].

Crinkle77 · 05/09/2013 10:27

I have done something similar to what pictish suggested. I have a friend who is a bit unreliable but she is good fun and we have a laugh when we get together. I used to get annoyed by it but I have just decided to accept that is a bit flaky and not worry if I let her down.

Crinkle77 · 05/09/2013 10:34

addictedtofarmville my flaky friend does this too. Soooo annoying. It's like she just uses me to fill time before she has something better to do.

Original poster
addictedtofarmville · 05/09/2013 10:40

Crinkle, that is exactly how I feel too; that she just uses me to fill time and to see if she has no one better to see

OP posts:
Loa · 05/09/2013 10:57

I took to inviting others along at same time - and/or telling her after 20/30 minutes I'd be heading to X and she could met me there or meeting at venues I be going to anyway. Basically I took to managing her behaviour towards us.

It did led a few time to her rushing to met us before I headed out.

It was annoying though and very upsetting as I had a toddler at time - we both did - and having to explain to toddler we were let down did upset me and lead to avoidable tantrums.

We moved away so I don't know if she improved - she was great when about though and did have many problems so I cut her more slack than perhaps I should.

Original poster
addictedtofarmville · 05/09/2013 12:25

Well surprise surprise, she's been tagged on Facebook this morning as being out in town with two other friends. Apparently they are having a 'fantastic' time at Costa coffee

OP posts:
Dahlen · 05/09/2013 12:32

I've had a couple of friends like this. Most of them I've let go TBH because in most cases this sort of behaviour is thoughtless at best and completely disrespectful at worst. Most people are able to stick to commitments that matter to them and only blow off those (or people) they see as less important. That says everything about where they deserve to be in my life.

However, one friend I've kept because she is a lovely person and a loyal friend. I don't take it personally, it's just the way she is and sadly it affects other areas of her life more adversely. However, I don't prioritise her meet-ups and won't turn something down to keep time free for her. That way I don't experience resentment if she cancels at short notice.

OHforDUCKScake · 05/09/2013 12:38

I know a mum at school who constantly suggests meets enthusiastically, she suggests when and where. Then cancels.

Its happened so many times, now I literaly just avoid her. I think she's Odd indeed Im almost certain she thinks Im odd now.

My best friend is flakey and after years Im pulling back. Its really hard work when you do all the leg work, and Im not the only one she's like it with everyone. She means no harm and she is a wonderful person, but everyone has a limit, I feel.

Beechview · 05/09/2013 12:40

that's nice of your 'friend' op Hmm
I guess you know where you stand now. I wouldn't bother with her again.

pictish · 05/09/2013 12:58

She's a cunt.
Message her saying "saw the photos on here of you having a fantastic time in Costa thi morning...so glad your previously made arrangement with me didn't hold you back from accepting a better offer. Please feel free to write down whatever excuse it is you have to impart on this on a piece of paper, before rolling it up neatly, securing with a ribbon, and inserting neatly up your anus. That is the last time you'll take the piss out of me.
Addicted."

Original poster
addictedtofarmville · 05/09/2013 15:20

LOL Pictish, I'd love to do that!

OP posts:
RenterNomad · 05/09/2013 16:10

Fine friends they are, getting her "in trouble" like that!

BlingBang · 05/09/2013 16:14

I've just broken contact with perhaps my best friend for this. Not only does she repeatedly cancel on me which is not such a big deal but she does it to my kids as we arrange to do something nice with them and then they get disappointed and upset. She doesn't even phone to say she has double booked etc but I have to chase her to see when we are meeting only to find out then. Always said it was ok but this time I told her how I really feel and I guess that's it - and breathe...

pictish · 05/09/2013 16:36

Why don't you?

She has ditched you for a better offer, and been daft enough to advertise the fact. Frankly, if you don't put her right this time, you may as well write 'welcome' on your forehead.

I couldn't let it go - I'd have to say something, and knowing me when I feel righteous (which I really would in this situation) I would not be holding back.

cushtie335 · 05/09/2013 16:39

My own sister used to do this to me all the time, as did her two grown up daughters. After 40 plus years of this shite I just stopped arranging anything with them. The result is I haven't seen them for almost 2 years now. It's disappointing and shabby but I actually feel better for it. They obviously didn't care enough about me to make any effort at all and now we don't have to kid ourselves on anymore.

pictish · 05/09/2013 16:40

And I know she didn't tag herself, but still....she has been caught red handed being a shitty friend.
What have you got to lose? This marvellous, mutually beneficial friendship? Hardly.

Feminine · 05/09/2013 16:41

A fantastic time at Costa Hmm

Well that would take some doing.

YANBU ...I'm about to have to do a similar thing to a 'friend' that has turned out to be a bit of a flake!

cushtie335 · 05/09/2013 16:42

Lolling at "fantastic" time at Costa as well Feminine. How sad of a cunt do you have to be to post shite like that on Facebook?

PrincessFlirtyPants · 05/09/2013 16:51

I wanted to say that Feminine but I didn't want to sound too stuck up!

Cushtie a very sad cunt!! Grin

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 05/09/2013 18:03

I one had a friend like this. The only way I found to cope was always ensuring a Plan B for the time that I knew she'd probably cancel - and never overly putting myself out or rearranging anything to suit her. But yes, pictish did make me smile - I certain felt like it, anyway..