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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask other mums to ask their children to be a bit nicer to my ds?

33 replies

Pinkpinot · 04/09/2013 17:41

Not sure whether I'm being v precious
I'm sure you'll let me know!

Ds just started y1
In reception, there were some boys who were supposedly his friends, but quite frankly I thought they were a bit mean to him sometimes, not letting him play, winding him up, ignoring him etc. he can be very full on, so I think he was a bit annoying.
Mainly I just let them get on with it
This year, it's already started, and a few of his real friends are joining in.
Ds is reacting really badly, getting angry, and I know he's going to hit out and get into trouble if this happens at playtime

So, should I talk to the mums? Or let them sort it between themselves? Or talk to the school?
I'm thinking if it continues then it almost like bullying

OP posts:
Damnautocorrect · 04/09/2013 17:43

Someone with more experience will be along soon I'm sure but I wouldn't talk to the parents, I'd talk to the school. 2 reasons, its happening in school, secondly they'll keep an eye on it hopefully stopping it before your son gets angry

littlemisssarcastic · 04/09/2013 17:44

What would you say to the other parents? Would you be asking them to ask their children to play with your DS? What do they do that winds your DS up?

Original poster
Pinkpinot · 04/09/2013 17:44

Oh I sound pathetic!

OP posts:
littlemisssarcastic · 04/09/2013 17:45

If it is upsetting you and your DS OP, you need to resolve it.

RobotHamster · 04/09/2013 17:46

Speak to the school first. We had something similar and it was dealt with very tactfully

EarlyIntheMorning · 04/09/2013 17:46

You don't sound pathetic, you're just a worried mum, but don't talk to the parents, talk to the teacher.

Calloh · 04/09/2013 17:46

I wouldn't talk directly to the parents. I agree with Damn, talk to the school.

You could always mention to any mothers you were particularly close to that your DS was having a rough time of it and you were worried that other boys weren't aware how hurtful they were being, if you said that it would probably be better to say you don't know who the boys were and hope that she then reminded her son to be kind at school.

SoupDragon · 04/09/2013 17:47

You need to speak to the teacher, not the parents.

Lonecatwithkitten · 04/09/2013 17:47

Talk to school now, so they can talk to the children generally now about playing nicely and being inclusive.

shushpenfold · 04/09/2013 17:47

Third the message here - talk to the teacher, DEF not the parents.

sparkle12mar08 · 04/09/2013 17:48

When you say he's a bit full on, what do you mean, exactly?

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 04/09/2013 17:48

I think it needs nipping in the bud but I think it'd be best to go through the school, NOT the parents of the other children. They might be really understanding but chances are they will be defensive and these things can quickly turn ugly/much bigger than they should be.

Really hope you can sort things out for your DS. I've been that child and its not nice Sad

Original poster
Pinkpinot · 04/09/2013 17:48

No, obviously I can't insist that they play with my ds!!
I don't really know what I'd say. Just ask them if they could try not to wind him up?
It's really just stupid kids stuff, running away from him, and not telling him what the game is.
I've only seen this behaviour after school, they play afterwards. But it could easily spill into playtime, so I don't know whether I should warn the school, or what
I think for the time being its no play after school, but ds loves it

OP posts:
NotAnotherPackedLunch · 04/09/2013 17:50

Pink Not pathetic at all. You need to get this sorted out before he gets put off going to school.

However I would never talk to the parents on issues like this. It rarely ends well.

Please do talk to the school. Can you have a meeting with the teacher or a member of the senior management team? Often they are unaware of what is going on in the playground and when made aware have various strategies to improve the situation.

schmee · 04/09/2013 17:50

I think you should talk to the teacher. Also keep an open mind. If he is "hitting out" it might be that the other children don't want to play with him because of this. Good to identify the triggers for him doing this, and ensure there is no bullying going on, but you might also need to help him with his reactions.

Original poster
Pinkpinot · 04/09/2013 17:52

Full on- well he never shuts up, which can be annoying!! He's v sweet though

OP posts:
BrokenSunglasses · 04/09/2013 17:54

Talk to the class teacher, not the parents. They will think you are crazy, and it will NOT go well.

You need to help your ds learn how to not be so full on if you think he is putting people off that way, and you need to tell him exactly what he should do if he is being excluded or other children are being mean to him.

If your ds loves playing after school, I don't understand why you'd stop doing it. None of them can learn to play nicely if they aren't given the opportunity to.

Original poster
Pinkpinot · 04/09/2013 17:56

To my knowledge, none of the kids are annoyed with him because he has hit them. I've never been made aware of anything like that, and they do tell you

We're only on Day 2. Aarrgh!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkpinot · 04/09/2013 17:59

Easier said than done brokensunglasses- im constantly trying to rein him in. I know, it doesn't seem fair to punish him by not playing, and how will he learn

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 04/09/2013 18:05

Not pathetic. Speak to a teacher they will see this all the time. Unfortunately kids enjoy winding other kids up until they snap.

Oblomov · 04/09/2013 18:07

Let me give you a little tip.
NEVER EVER speak to the mums.
Please believe me, when I say it was the best piece of advice, I was ever given. In Reception.
You think they are friends, but it is so much easier if you don't talk to them, but let the school deal with it.
Speak to the school. Talk to the teacher. See what she has to say.
Let her make some suggestions.
It may be that your child is very needy. And she might suggest other children that he would be better suited to be friends with.

I have had this. My son seems to worship boys that really don't treat him that nicely.
I have talked to the teacher.
And I have talked to him about self respect. How a true friend treats us. In a way to encourage him to see his self worth and to realise that these boys are not really his true friends.

It is a difficult process. And many of my friends have said that they have gone through the same things
Ds1 is now 9 ands it is still ongoing.

Encourage other friendships. Invite them round to tea.
Appreciate that this will take a long long time.

HTH

BrokenSunglasses · 04/09/2013 18:10

I know it's difficult, but it wouldn't be any more difficult for you to help your ds to play in a less full on way than it would be for the other parents to make their children play in the way you want them to.

You could do some role play with him to show him how others like to be spoken to, like quietly and slowly if he tends to be loud and very talkative, and talk about what makes a good friend.

Go into school and talk to the teacher, she will want to be aware of any problems as early on as possible. You can also get her to ask the lunchtime controllers to keep an eye and make sure they are aware of any problems, and then they will know of any strategies that are being used to help so that can be consistent at playtime.

Original poster
Pinkpinot · 04/09/2013 18:12

I think I was reluctant to talk to teacher because it was out of school time, but I guess I should just talk to them to discuss his behaviour if/when this happens

I'm just so upset, he was really keen and positive about his new class, even got some stars today, it was so encouraging

OP posts:
scaevola · 04/09/2013 18:14

You need to talk to the school. Not least as you've not done this so far, you may be missing important information about what is going on.

Don't talk to the parents. Really, just don't.

Perhaps you can provide opportunities for him to make better friends with some - invitations to play after school perhaps?

Oblomov · 04/09/2013 18:14

Please talk to the teacher.
She really won't mind.
Please do so. Tomorrow morning. " can I have a quick word"
Believe me, it really is the best way.