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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how new parents manage to ahem do it?

118 replies

BraveLilBear · 03/09/2013 15:09

I'm baffled. Honestly I am. How do new parents get jiggy with it?

We have a 6 week old. The closest we've got is to ask each other 'do you think we'll ever manage it again?' A combination of breastfeeding, trepidation at ruined lady parts, lack of sleep and generally having no time to do anything but baby juggle when we're in the same room makes the prospect of feeling the love oh so dim and distant.

Yet people do do it. Siblings with 11 month gaps are evidence that they're not liars.

So... Please enlighten me! Otherwise I shan't be held accountable for my actions the next time a HCP asks me my plans for contraception Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
BraveLilBear · 04/09/2013 17:15

Remembering: sounds very similar to me! I also think things have collapsed a bit but will have to wait til my 6 week check -at 8 and a half weeks. To find out.

Not sure if I'd be more disturbed if there's damage or if they say it's normal!

OP posts:
BooMeowson · 04/09/2013 17:18

I had a forceps, episiotomy, breastfeeding a baby 20 times a day (really) we got jiggy with it 2 weeks after the baby and at 6 weeks we did the stuff.

That sounds incredibly smug but I think I was SO happy to have finished that pregnancy journey (TTC for 2 years) that I wanted to have "we have a baby now!" sex. I just wanted to balance out the sides here.

Cavort · 04/09/2013 17:36

Hey Brave, I hope H is well? Sounds like he is if he is preventing you getting jiggy with OH Grin

After reading some of these responses I feel proud that we've put two notches on the bedpost since E was born nearly 9 weeks ago. I know what you mean - the thought of it is like a dark cloud hanging over you after episiotomy and forceps delivery.

First time was our wedding anniversary at 6 weeks. Evening babysitters, lube and half a bottle of wine helped me out there, and then we managed it again last week when by some random chance E was fast asleep and DH and I didn't feel too tired, which is very rare indeed at the moment!

Like others have said, it's not a race and will happen and it's better to leave it to chance and be spontaneous about it than plan it like our anniversary shag, which was more functional as an obstacle which needed shifting out of the way. The second unexpected one was much better.

I hope you get some soon Grin

flowersinavase · 04/09/2013 18:48

And remember ladies - sex doesn't have to be penetrative... Plenty of ways to have fun without actually doing 'it' (just don't overstimulate the boobs if you're BF!).

Silverfoxballs · 04/09/2013 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlateSpinningAtAllTimes · 04/09/2013 19:22

No problems re bf here, in fact it helps due to not having periods so when a rare opportunity crops up there's not the 1 in 4 chance of being out of action. Co sleeping, OTOH...

Mandy21 · 04/09/2013 19:23

I don't know either.

I remember going to see the GP at some point after the birth - can't remember how many weeks after it was but it was definitely only a matter of weeks and my premature twins were still in SCBU - we hadn't even brought them home yet. He asked me what I was using as contraception and I couldn't respond - it was a mixture of anger that he thought that would have even crossed my mind and absolute astonishment that even if he thought it should have crossed my mind, that we'd have had either the inclination or time!

I think it was months (and I mean at least 6 months) - breastfeeding twins and not sleeping more than an hour or 2 killed any libido on both sides!!

Xmasbaby11 · 04/09/2013 19:28

It was months for us. TBH it wasn't a top priority. DD was a lot of work, I had a traumatic labour, and just when I thought I was recovering had a prolapse which created its own problems. Even with my friends who had uncomplicated births and babies, months is the norm rather than weeks. Most people just laugh at the 6 week check when the doctor quizzes you about contraception!

ElphabaTheGreen · 04/09/2013 19:31

Chronically non-sleeping DS here (2.5 hour stretches max at night, since birth) so 15 months and counting here due to utter exhaustion. So Envy of you all Sad

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 04/09/2013 19:38

We didn't do it until 8 weeks post birth.

It's only just recently not been a bit uncomfortable and DD is 5 months old so I can relate to what you are saying.

However, it's different for everyone.

Some might not struggle so much.

MissStrawberry · 04/09/2013 19:47

I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who tried to tell me how long I could breastfeed my baby for.

123rd · 04/09/2013 20:17

Sorry but for me it was about 10 days after giving birth. I was b/f too. Did have very easy labours both times. But I really wanted to do it. Dh was more reluctant. Poor man Smile

JollyHappyGiant · 04/09/2013 20:34

DH was snuggling hopefully yesterday. DD is less than 2 weeks old! With DS we had sex around 6 weeks. The MW said we should make an effort to do it before the 6 week check. This time we'll have to wait and see, but no forceps or episiotomy this time so it may happen sooner.

LittleMissSnowShine · 04/09/2013 20:38

With DS1, HV advised me to 'give it a try' before 6 week post-natal check up so if there were problems I could mention these to my GP. I was pretty reluctant since it had been a difficult, lengthy birth, big baby and episiotomy that was slow to heal. However, we did indeed give it a go but tbh I can't say it was a whole lot of fun! I've since seen on lots of other threads that other people have been advised to wait longer after an episiotomy and I did find that after about 12 weeks, apart from milk leaking out of boobs at inopportune moments!, dtd was a lot more 'normal' again.

DS2 was born 17 days ago and this time no episiotomy but I did tear and though stitches are healing up well I'm still a bit achy. After having had two huge boys, the midwife told me it seems quite likely I will probably need a surgical repair to pelvic floor once I have decided whether to have any more DCs, so i already know this is a bit of an issue so there is less pressure to DTD for the sake of it before 6 week check up. Just going to play it by ear this time, and DTD again when it feels right(ish!) again.

A glass of wine doesn't hurt!!!

Catsize · 04/09/2013 21:08

Can't believe so-called professionals are advising couples to have sex before six week check.Shock Bloody hell! Makes me cross. Pressure pressure pressure. If there is a problem when you decide to resume weeks/months/years later, you can let a health professional know then, rather than have prescribed, reluctant and possibly painful intercourse.

Boaby · 04/09/2013 21:24

Agree with Dubstarr, trying to have sex with a teenage girl (who is apparently allergic to sleeping) in the room next door...well you have to be inventive haha

KingRollo · 04/09/2013 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissStrawberry · 04/09/2013 21:36

catsize - when I had my ds 12 years ago I was under the impression you were supposed to do it before 6 weeks so you could say if there was any problems. I had had a EMCS so was very nervous and did not enjoy it. MW never even asked [cross].

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/09/2013 22:01

I agree catsize. Its one thing to do it because you feel ready, its rather different if its to meet a medical timeline.

BellEndTent · 04/09/2013 22:08

I did it after about four weeks both times but had trauma-free labours and was excited to have my body back to myself again.

As for the time thing, I think sex keeps you close as a couple so it's something it pays to make time for iyswim, even when you are tired and rough and grumpy. It helps your frame of mind, it helps your relationship and it helps you sleep (as if you need help in that department).

Original poster
BraveLilBear · 04/09/2013 22:27

Am utterly shocked at people being told to give it a go pre 6 weeks! If you fancy it, great. But being compelled to is wrong!

I really want the intimacy back, we're at risk of drifting as it is. Plus it'd be nice to not be mummy for 5 minutes.

I take it no-one's being put off by post baby wobble then?

OP posts:
Artura · 04/09/2013 22:40

Quick tip - breast feeding can cause low libido/vaginal dryness due to low oestrogen levels "down below". You can get oestrogen cream or pessaries to help. Speak to your GP (best to see one who is up to date on womens' health/gynae) and they can do a quick check up and a prescription. I'm a GP myself - used the pessaries while breastfeeding 2nd DD and they really helped.

FriendofDorothy · 04/09/2013 22:48

Hmmmm three months after the baby was born. I had a second degree tear so things took a while to heal up.

ringaringarosy · 04/09/2013 23:09

It just wasnt a big deal for us,everyone is different,it depends on your sex drive and also your babys temprament too.all 4 times its been within 6 weeks,a couple of times a lot less,its just what felt right for us.

to be fair our babies have all been really easy and ive never seen the need to make a big deal out of it,i dont need wining and dining to be in the mood,so no need for babysitters or nights away,we just get down to it when theres a spare 5 minutes!

HeyJudith · 04/09/2013 23:10

Brave re post baby wobble, no not put off :) I mean I didn't like the wobble, but I told myself it was temporary and the bigger novelty was no baby bump in the way so the wonderful sensation of actually being closer than a bump away, outweighed any extra pounds :) for both of us.

For me, apart from the fact I was most definitely in the mood, it was great to resume normal activity and also know that there were still private moments just for DH and I amongst the grind joy of being parents to a new baby. I know I'm lucky that I didn't have to force being in the mood. The last time I felt offput by having sex was probably when I was on the pill - I have now realised that (for me) it almost totally and completely dampens my natural sex drive. I wish I'd realised that in the past, I thought it was just me, and wondered why it was that I fancied my boyfriends of the time but didn't really want or desire sex that much. I never thought it was the pill until I have had large chunks of time off it to conceive (and in between babies, I didn't go back on the pill). Anyway, off topic :)