Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how new parents manage to ahem do it?

118 replies

BraveLilBear · 03/09/2013 15:09

I'm baffled. Honestly I am. How do new parents get jiggy with it?

We have a 6 week old. The closest we've got is to ask each other 'do you think we'll ever manage it again?' A combination of breastfeeding, trepidation at ruined lady parts, lack of sleep and generally having no time to do anything but baby juggle when we're in the same room makes the prospect of feeling the love oh so dim and distant.

Yet people do do it. Siblings with 11 month gaps are evidence that they're not liars.

So... Please enlighten me! Otherwise I shan't be held accountable for my actions the next time a HCP asks me my plans for contraception Hmm

OP posts:
McNewPants2013 · 03/09/2013 19:32

we fitted it in around naps. Not sure of the age of DC youngest is 4 so it was a long time to remember.

Lagoonablue · 03/09/2013 19:35

We haven't. DS is 3........ But that's a whole other post.Sad

rattlemehearties · 03/09/2013 19:41

We're at ten months since birth. We've had sex once since conception! PND might be a factor, baby sharing our bedroom still is probably the biggest factor. Dad reading some of these posts, I'd like to find time/energy!

largeginandtonic · 03/09/2013 19:45

Be creative. It takes a few weeks! I've got 8 children in just 14 years so its possible...

waltzingmathilda · 03/09/2013 19:46

Dont BF
Dont have babies in your room
Use MIL from the outset

Babies sleep - adults love and yes it becomes all very perfunctory but you learn to grab all the opportunities.

TBH post c/section we had our love life back on track in 10 days, I would have been sooner but he's a bit squeamish

StrangeGlue · 03/09/2013 19:55

Think we did it around 10 weeks after then only once per month since. Lack added to by traumatic birth and v severe pnd

MsVestibule · 03/09/2013 19:55

About 8 weeks after DC1 (would probably have been sooner, but had had an episiotomy. Can't remember how long after DC2, but not much more. Both babies slept in our room, but unless you're swinging from the chandeliers, they won't wake up!

It really depends on your/your DP's libido, how tired you are, physical state after giving birth, etc. It's not a competition and as long as it's not causing issues in the relationship and affection is still there, it's not an issue.

mumofboyo · 03/09/2013 20:43

Dc 1 I had emcs so waited 6 weeks. After that it went more or less back to normal (1-2x per wk).
Dc 2 conceived 8 months later. After her birth, a VBAC birth, I had stitches, bleeding and infection so didn't feel ready 'til gone 10 weeks. Since then we have to schedule it in, mainly because I seem to have lost my sex drive, I think it fell out with dd. We have got very quick at it, I think it takes ten mins at the most now, just the way I like it Grin
We're lucky in that both dc slept very well from a very young age, both during the day and over night. During growth spurts and illness when they are more unsettled then of course we do it less.

Original poster
BraveLilBear · 03/09/2013 23:48

I'm very impressed with some of these responses. I think the slightly difficult birth of DS (forceps, episiotomy etc) may have skewed my perception.

Seems that the trappings of breastfeeding have yet more to answer to... (can't farm DS out for more than a few hours) and there's no way That First Time could be a quickie.

I'll just have to live vicariously through everyone else for now Envy

OP posts:
MumofWombat · 04/09/2013 00:12

Try having two DCs (youngest is 5 months and thinks a routine is hilarious, so no reliability for naps) and a DH who starts work at 4am so goes to bed early. Can you imagine how many opportunities there are when the two rugrats are asleep and DH isn't?...

awakemysoull · 04/09/2013 00:37

DD2 is 10 weeks old and I had sex 3 weeks after she was born. I had a very easy labour and no cuts/tears/stitches and my bleeding was gone after a week.

I thought our sex life would go to zero after she was born. It's never been better. I'm very very lucky she sleeps for at least 7 hours every night and DD1 sleeps right through (she's 4)

Go with whatever feels right Smile

pourmeanother · 04/09/2013 08:29

God, can't believe what I'm reading! With both of my DCs we had to wait for at least 10 mths before actual penetration! I was as dry as a bone so it was utterly impossible even using all manner of lubes. I blame it completely on the breastfeeding. For some women the hormones just completely dry you out down there. It was only when my body got back into ovulating and me getting periods back that I got back to normal and normal sex resumed. Pregnant with DC3 now and expecting exactly same thing. DH and I are trying to get it in now while we still can!

Beastofburden · 04/09/2013 09:19

Dont agree with the advice not to BF. I bottle fed DS1, and BF DD and DS2 and I def had more time and less stress with the later babies, even allowing for being less crap generally at parenting than I was first time round.

pourmeanother · 04/09/2013 09:29

Just to be clear, I am not in any way advising not to breastfeed! In all other respects breastfeeding had no impact on having sex. Plan to feed DC3 for a good 18 mths. Got rest of my life to have penetrative sex and there's other stuff I can do in the meantime obviously! I know I'll get back to normal in time after next birth. I think I am pretty unusual anyway as this hasn't seemed to happen to other breastfeeding mums I've discreetly mentioned it to!

HappyAsASandboy · 04/09/2013 09:31

It was 18 months for us. I just didn't feel like it until then, probably from a combination of knackeredness, breastfeeding twins and fear of pregnancy!

My period returned two weeks later. I have always been far more up for it around ovulation, so maybe I just needed to ovulate to make me feel like it Hmm

Original poster
BraveLilBear · 04/09/2013 10:02

Arf at pourmeanother 'DH and I trying to get it in now while we can'!

Holy KY Jelly batman- 10 months! Shock - I won't be telling DP that. He's already trying to set a breastfeeding deadline - and he has no idea about that side effect! Tho I have heard you can get a cream prescribed to assist. ..

OP posts:
thegoldenfool · 04/09/2013 11:32

totally agree with pourmeanother, if bf and feeling tentative about the whole thing anyway it´s best to erm, oil the wheels, as you won´t be getting your usual response

i wasn´t as bad as described but then got my period back after 3 months, after the single night that DC slept through in 6 months . . . . but lube helped!

hardboiledpossum · 04/09/2013 11:39

I tore and was still bleeding heavily at 6 weeks. I think it was 10 weeks before we tried and it was uncomfortable.

dirtyface · 04/09/2013 11:43

dh and i did it when dd was 2 weeks old

very quietly and gently when she was asleep

(i had had a CS though so no sore lady garden :o )

i actually think it gets harder as the dcs get OLDER if anything. ours are now 4 and 7 and its the sheer mental exhaustion that seems to put a stop to it these days :/

VisualiseAHorse · 04/09/2013 11:57

We DTD exactly two weeks after the baby was born. It was quick, but very satisfying. I did have an uncomplicated labour and birth though, only a slight 'graze' on me foof, and to be honest, I just wanted to get it done and fee with so it wouldn't be hanging over us.

VisualiseAHorse · 04/09/2013 12:00

rattlemehearties only once since conception?? Did you not have sex during pregnancy at all?

BelleEtLaBaby · 04/09/2013 12:10

I only managed it once this pregnancy - I get HG and she smells odd. I also hate being touched (can't even sleep with duvet on) so can't really get past that. Dh is very sweet but it t

BelleEtLaBaby · 04/09/2013 12:11

took a while in my first preg for him to really understand - that I want to want to, and want to be able to, and I miss it too! He's brilliant now. He doesn't ask as I get really upset and cry when I have to refuse.

Bring on Christmas! ;)

BelleEtLaBaby · 04/09/2013 12:13

"She smells odd" should say "DH smells odd" lol. I can't work my bloody iPhone today!

magicballs · 04/09/2013 12:24

We did the deed about 5 days after the birth of dd... I had an easy completely natural labour, very straightforward and happy for me, and no damage downstairs either, and also I was horny as hell! So when my dd went for a nap, we would take her upstairs in her carry cot, place her in the corner sleeping, put some music on and get jiggy with it. I wanted it all the time just after birth! I found it harder as time went on because the baby slept badly at night and we weren't home together a great deal, but it gets easier when they sleep better for longer as well. I think you should not be afraid to make love with your DH if your baby is asleep in the same room. Not on the bed, but in a cot, asleep in your room is fine, I think. I mean after all, you had sex when pregnant and the noises probably soothed your little one.