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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how new parents manage to ahem do it?

118 replies

BraveLilBear · 03/09/2013 15:09

I'm baffled. Honestly I am. How do new parents get jiggy with it?

We have a 6 week old. The closest we've got is to ask each other 'do you think we'll ever manage it again?' A combination of breastfeeding, trepidation at ruined lady parts, lack of sleep and generally having no time to do anything but baby juggle when we're in the same room makes the prospect of feeling the love oh so dim and distant.

Yet people do do it. Siblings with 11 month gaps are evidence that they're not liars.

So... Please enlighten me! Otherwise I shan't be held accountable for my actions the next time a HCP asks me my plans for contraception

OP posts:

HeyJudith · 04/09/2013 12:25

We got going 2 weeks after both births (both caesareans... not sure if that's better or worse than after natural labour Maybe better in that no sore lady bits but worse because obviously had new scar and tummy very tender from the rumaging around for CS...

TBH I felt properly in the mood and was keen to enjoy DTD without big bump to negotiate!

I am lucky in that DH and I seem to match when we are in the mood most of the time so it wasn't an effort or something I had to grit my teeth and do.

CommanderShepard · 04/09/2013 12:33

I can't remember how long it was but it was months, not weeks. DD didn't sleep so well...

and now I've stopped breastfeeding I would happily go several times a day. Which is a first.

magicballs · 04/09/2013 12:36

My dd is about 20m now, and I never breastfed (not for lack of trying) but I seem to be a lot drier downstairs during sex and find it harder to get turned on - has anyone else experienced this? My bff also has this and her child is just over 1 yo. Does it get any better?

WaitingForMe · 04/09/2013 12:37

I completely went off sex when pregnant and was horny almost as soon as DS was out. I tore and was bleeding pretty heavily, struggling to BF and thinking about sex constantly. DTD after 7 weeks.

We fit around sleep. DS has been waking up around the time we usually go to bed so we DTD as soon as he was asleep and pushed back dinner. And our expectations have changed. We take foreplay as a thing in itself and enjoy a few passionate snogs when we can't manage more.

StuckOnARollercoaster · 04/09/2013 12:44

Had ventouse and episiotomy which unfortunately didn't heal straightaway and was breastfeeding. As life started to be less crazy by about 6 weeks we started being more affectionate but didn't actually do the full deed till 8 weeks.
Keeps following this pattern - at the weekend so no need for either of us to get up. Feed at about 6/7ish then play with DD together in bed. Both of us have a nice sleep then when she does. Next feed at about 9/10ish and more playing with baby in bed and one of us will bring tea and biscuits to bed. This time when she sleeps we go for it!!! The first morning sleep is important so we're not too tired!!!

flowersinavase · 04/09/2013 12:47

Lube and alcohol... :)

dubstarr73 · 04/09/2013 12:56

I think its harder as they get older.Now try have some sex with teenagers that really is hard.[No pun intended].Especially as thye usually know about them kind of things at that age.

audweb · 04/09/2013 12:57

We did it about two and a half weeks after, straightforward birth no tears etc. To be honest, she's now 6 and a half months, and we do it most nights now, but we've not been together very long, so perhaps I'm more keen than I would have been if we had been together years before having baby. I'm not bothered by her being in the room, like others said, she was in me when we had sex when pregnant! Often I head to bed first, and he comes to bed later and if we're both in the mood we go for it. Or we go for it, just after she goes down for the first sleep of the night (ususally the longest). I'd miss it if we didn't. It's one of those things that brings us closer together and also it's 'me' time in a way - I don't have to think about being a mummy, if you know what I mean.

Pandsbear · 04/09/2013 13:10

Ha well it was over 6/7 months for us. Traumatic twin birth, bleeding for 6-8 weeks after (can't remember exactly how long now but it felt like ages and ages), I was very sore and stitched. No way was anything/anyone going near me below the waist for a while. Lots better as DTs get older (and we are not so knackered).

SupermansBigRedPants · 04/09/2013 13:12

Dd2 is almost 4 weeks and we've managed a few times already, She sleeps from 2 so once she's asleep thats our time but we both have high sex drives. there have been nights where 22 month old ds and dd2 have been awake from midnight till 2/3 and we just don't bother because we're pooped.

Original poster

BraveLilBear · 04/09/2013 13:18

StuckOnA that's a fab routine- I may see if I can get DP to not want to leap out of bed by 8 on s weekend. If intimate time isn't enough to sway him, biscuits might be :D

Pandsbear that you manage it ever is amazing!

OP posts:

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/09/2013 13:56

Took about 4 months. I was very tender (instrumental birth) and even then it hurt. A month later we tried again and that was better. I swear the hormone release afterwards triggered my periods starting though

Still bfing at 16 months so it doesn't necessarily mean no sex drive. Once you're past the leaking milk constantly stage anyway.

MrsMarigold · 04/09/2013 14:18

After my DC1 it was fine and DC2 was conceived when DC1 was 6 months old but since DC2 (11 months) we've only managed it four times - my DH has been working very hard and gets home late, I go to bed before he does then get up at 6am as soon as the children wake. He isn't very spontaneous and I can honestly say with two under two I've been too tired. My breasts are still very leaky - today I forgot to use a breast pad and my top was drenched in Sainsbury's. We were also both traumatised by DC2's birth.

JessieMcJessie · 04/09/2013 14:41

None of you have mentioned giving a little bit of, erm, manual or oral pleasure for DP/DH even if you're not up to the full monty- would that be considered un feminist?

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/09/2013 14:46

Jessie it would be rather inconsiderate of the partner to ask you to do that when feeling rough post-birth and sleep deprived.

Original poster

BraveLilBear · 04/09/2013 14:50

Lol Jessie. The thought has crossed my mind - but I'm just too exhausted due to 24/7 milk bar operation. If DP stepped up and helped more round the house etc I may have the energy and incentive to reward him...

OP posts:

Mammyisthegirl · 04/09/2013 15:18

Oh, I'm glad that wasn't just me! Trying to do the deed whilst holding breath is very difficult! Why does everyone smell like stale cabbage?

Mammyisthegirl · 04/09/2013 15:19

That refers to DH smelling bad when I had HG.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath · 04/09/2013 16:07

I looked like this

for about a year after DS was born.

I have no recollection of DTD or anything other than bfing, crying (sad and happy tears) and Not Sleeping. TBH, it was a cause for celebration if I managed to cook any dinner.

JessieMcJessie · 04/09/2013 16:13

Pintoftea I meant offering, of course, not DH asking for it- sex shouldn't be all about receiving, so my logic was that maybe one can give even if not physically up to receiving...

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/09/2013 16:27

That's more reasonable, but still after birth not only was there damage but I also felt deeply unattractive. I don't think one-sided sexual activity would have helped with that. Plus the exhaustion factor.

But if you enjoyed it, good for you!

RememberingMyPFEs · 04/09/2013 16:29

DD is 5.5 weeks old and I had forceps delivery with 3rd degree tear. I want to DTD but have to wait til after check next week with GP. I feel like things have, erm, collapsed in a little when I've had a quick check so I'm really not sure if I'll be signed off.
DH is gagging to get on with it but I'm happy to stick with cuddles and giving him manual/oral til I know I'm not doing any damage down there.

As for timing, late morning/early afternoon if I can get her to sleep in her crib rather than on me. By bedtime I feel as far from up for it as I can imagine!! DH is also being trained that my boobs are currently the opposite of erogenous!!

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/09/2013 16:32

Remembering: you might have to ask your GP to have a check if you feel like things are falling down: mine didn't actually look at anything thank goodness it was more DS's checks and then trying to get me onto contraception.

FIFIBEBE · 04/09/2013 16:44

I remember similar thread a few months back when somebody said 4 DAYS - they had sex when their baby was 4 days old because they wanted to.

alyant79 · 04/09/2013 17:09

pretty sure it was around 9-10 months for us! Combo of breasfeeding (as mentioned above) and co-sleeping played havoc. But even if that hadn't been the case, a forceps delivery and episiotomy would have put things off for at least 3 months i'd say.

itsOK you remind me of me

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