Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think there must be something I can do/say to get her to report him?

22 replies

Whereisegg · 01/09/2013 12:08

My friend is having problems with her ex.

Due to them both being on the council house tenancy, they are stil living together despite having split up several months ago, she is desperately saving to move out with their dc, and he, despite having the funds to do so, refuses to move out as he wants them to remain a couple (IMO he doesn't want to lose control).

The problem is that she is constantly texting me as he is verbally abusive in front of their dc, and is slowly moving onto being physically aggressive (some 'light punches' and a head butt) but despite my constantly advising her to go to the police/women's aid, she just won't, although his latest threat was to rape and kill her-thankfully this wasn't issued in front of the dc.

She has said she doesn't want to ruin his career (he clearly doesn't care) or put the children through it, but I can't understand why she thinks them living like this is better!

Someone please advise me as to how to help her when she is so unwilling to do anything herself!

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 01/09/2013 12:10

DV is going against tenancy rules. She would prob get the house if she reports it....would that sway her?

HeySoulSister · 01/09/2013 12:12

Or you could anon report to ss.... Tell them children are in the house where dv is happening....

redexpat · 01/09/2013 12:14

Well you could take it out of her hands and do it for her. Controlling finances is abuse, as are threats of violence, as is actual violence. Children being witness to this is damaging enough.

Original poster
Whereisegg · 01/09/2013 12:22

After just receiving another text detailing more outrageous behaviour, I have told her I am reporting his threats myself.

I just hope she can see I'm doing it because I love her.

OP posts:
MrsWilberforce · 01/09/2013 12:54

You are doing the right thing - your friend and the children are in a lot of danger trying to break away from this man.

Original poster
Whereisegg · 01/09/2013 13:01

Well she says she understands and that she would do the same if it were me, but I am fearful that I will leave her feeling she has no one to talk to.

My problem is that if he does anything about his latest threat, or anything else dv related, that I am just as responsible as him as I knew about it.

OP posts:
redexpat · 07/09/2013 12:07

Well done. You are doing the right thing.

wonderingsoul · 07/09/2013 12:27

you did the right thing, and her responce speacks volumes to me, i would bet that she was wanting you to do it, she just couldnt muster the courage to do it her self, she'll be trying to get through each day and when your in the middle of it you dont see how mad it is sometimes.

theres a high chance that she will get to keep her place and he will be forced out, giving her at least a safe haven for her whilst she puts up with the other crap he will most likelly give.

you did the right thing, you are being a great friend. she may lash out when things get tough but please dont step away from her if she does, keep doing what your doing. x

Tortington · 07/09/2013 12:36

they would evict him i think it is 14a of the 1988 housing act.

She also has strong grounds for a transfer if she fears her safety.

but it must be reported

Original poster
Whereisegg · 07/09/2013 13:45

Thank you all!

Well, after chatting with her I have agreed to stall reporting him as she is due to hear Monday about a house she has applied for.

She is under no illusions that if on Monday it turns out she was unsuccessful that I will report.

That if anything happens this weekend, I will report.

That if his behaviour continues once she has gone (if successful re this house), I will report.

I am not entirely comfortable with stalling (well not at all really) but his work pattern has clashed sufficiently with hers since the last threat that they haven't been in the house together longer than 25 minutes, and things do seem to have calmed down.
I am secretly hopeful that he has scared himself with his last threat actually, and it's not just that she hasn't told me of anything new (which in itself I would be suspicious of), but that she just seems much, well, lighter if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 07/09/2013 14:05

That's pretty pointless stalling, it will probably just look like she is making up allegations up if the meeting doesn't go her way.

Let's hope she doesn't end up seriously injured before Monday...

thebody · 07/09/2013 14:11

but if she is successful don't you think she might be in the biggest danger yet as she will be seen to be escaping from him?

Original poster
Whereisegg · 07/09/2013 14:20

She has already said that she won't be informing him that she has got somewhere, she will just go while he's at work.

And yes actually, I do think it's pretty pointless to stall but I do believe that things have calmed right down.
Yes, she could just stop telling me stuff but you can't fake the way she IS.
The worry has lifted from her massively, from her voice, from her shoulders, from her eyes. Even when she has been at mine previously and we have been joking about things and laughing, you could still see it in her.

OP posts:
Isildur · 07/09/2013 14:25

Do be careful, and on your guard. All of the 'positive' things you are seeing will have been noticed by her partner too.

That's what makes this time so dangerouss

Original poster
Whereisegg · 07/09/2013 14:31

I am very much on my guard, that's a god way to describe it.
I have a lot of contact with their dc too and am very much monitoring.

I can't say too much about the thing that swayed me the most with stalling as may out me, but they are going to be apart for enough time v soon to allow her to sort stuff in and out of the house, which she has said she doesn't want due to the memories.

OP posts:
AnotherStitchInTime · 07/09/2013 14:37

Why should she move out if he is being abusive? She can get him removed from the tenancy and stay put with the kids with a restraining order to stop him coming near her or the house. Women's Aid will help, but also phone a solicitor, 101 and her housing officer for advice. Phone with her so she can hear the advice for herself. She would qualify for legal aid if finances are a concern.

Original poster
Whereisegg · 07/09/2013 14:49

She is now saying that she doesn't want to stay in that house, and she doesn't qualify for legal aid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereisegg · 07/09/2013 15:04

Oh no, just had a text asking if she can bring dc round and have a cuppa.
She has got news...

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereisegg · 07/09/2013 15:05

I have got a bad feeling Sad

OP posts:
redexpat · 07/09/2013 15:07

Oh dear. You do get excellent advice here, so update if you need us.

LindyHemming · 07/09/2013 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Whereisegg · 07/09/2013 15:28

I am totally hiding in my own loo to post this...

He rang her just before she text me to ask her to take the dc out for an hour or so to enable him to get some work stuff, clothes etc so that he can stay with his sis.

He was crying and saying how sorry he was at how awful he had become and that he will be putting his keys through the door for her so she doesn't have to worry about him coming into the house.

I am so pleased for her that I had a little cry!

I will be driving her and the dc home and going in her house while they wait in the car (suspicious me!) but I am so hopeful Smile

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread