AIBU to think my mother should just bloody act like an adult with regards to my xmas forthcoming birth....

[DMCT]

Im havinga c section on 23rd of dec with my second child, first child loadsa complications etc etc long v v long recovery needing surgery etc.
Mum and dad will be coming to stay the 23rd, 24th to look after first child 5year old.....we were not sure about xmas, but thought we'd figure that one out before hand.

Mum has been getting all bloody heated bout it already, re xmas day because it is their xmas as well, and they need to plan it and my 34 year old brother will be coming too as he lives at home, and its his xmas too....! I have told here Im not really bothered about a xmas dinner as its not a priority for me really, my consultant said i may be out xmas day... Im not sure i can cope with her stressing over a bloody turkey - which she does every year. She has also gotten it in her head that dh doesnt want them there on xmas day, and that is the reason im not sure about xmas day. This is totally not true.

So all in all she is stressing me out already - she has also said she is not going to beg to come up. So we had a major arguement about it on the phone this am, she was in a 'poor me' mood , and i probably should have changed the conversation before she got going, but i didnt.

I just wish for once she could be the bloody adult, 'man up', and say something along the lines of we'll be up, we'll look after your dh and ds, and everything will be fine.

I dont know how ill feel after having this baby, im worried obviously, everything went so wrong last time. I dont know if i can cope with a houseful when i get out, or maybe i will really like it...But of course she has said she would know exactly what she was doing if she was having the baby etc....

Rant over :-(

Sounds a bit bonkers. Am sure you will be able to stay in beyond Christmas Day. They can then have their Christmas Day in your house and you can have yours before or after, when you feel ready. Christmas Day in hospital might be quite special. I discharged myself from hospital too soon after birth. No c section but was really unwell. Big mistake, as even the most well-meaning expect you to be all bright and breezy. I felt like death! She is being unreasonable.

Shouldn't you be in for five days at least after such surgery anyway? I know others cut it short, but they may say it's a bad idea, don't know.

I'd stay in hospital until at least boxing day, personally.

Wow! I would be moving heaven and earth to find alternative childcare arrangments for your 5 year old tbh. If the price of having your parents doing it is that they expect a house full of Xmas guests and festivities courtesy of you, then is it really a price worth paying?

I appreciate its a tricky time of year, but could your dd go to a school friends for the day? At least you have the advantage of knowing exactly when you'll need the childcare. And your husband will be home for overnight and if everything goes to plan, you'll be home in a couple of days and can cosy up and have a proper family Christmas.

That's definitely what I'd do. Put the word out now and I'm sure between them, your friends can work something out. It's not like you don't know when you're going into labour and will need them on standby for weeks... It's literally day time childcare for two days

Sorry I can't blame you for feeling so upset. Is there anyone else you can ask to come and help you except your mum.

This Xmas is really about your new baby, your addition to the family and adjusting at home. Xmas will be around this year and every year after that!!!!

If this is how she is behaving now then I really suggest you think of other plans of help at home. You don't want her ruining this special time for your family. I think the new baby is more important than Xmas this year.

You will be recovering from a c section, dealing with a house full of people and the baby. Are you really up for it If there are problems?

If your Mum wants to be able to do Christmas Dinner at your house, then why can't you just let her? She can do the planning and shopping for it, and if you are still in hospital then they all have a Christmas dinner to eat, and if you are home, you get one too.

I'm a bit confused about what the problem is tbh. Your DH doesn't need your parents to look after him, but you both need their help to care for your older child, so I don't think you can expect three other people not to have Christmas dinner just because you don't want your mum faffing with a turkey.

If you had a horrible experience last time you gave birth, it could be that your are projecting your worries about the whole thing onto something trivial like turkey.

Thanks catsize, i know i cant believe im arguing about a turkey. She'll be wanting an apology no doubt before we speak again, i'll let the dust settle first i think...

Oh God, I love Christmas but it is such a nightmare.

I totally understand you not wanting to be forced to decide when you dont know how it will be but if she is getting heated the. It is best to resolve it.

She is right that it is her Christmas and your brother's too. If she is not able to prioritise the uncertainties of the immediate post-partum period above Christmas then it is better that she plans to be at home for that time. Could you say something to her, gently, along those lines? That its not that you don't want to see her or aren't grateful for her help but that it is her Christmas and things will be so uncertain with you that it is better if she plans to be at home on Christmas day.

Also my elective caesareans were entirely different from the emergency one. In fact last time we were in 24 hours including the wait before the operation and the recovery was much easier.

Meant to add: you may even be doing your friends a favour... Those couple of days just before Christmas often drag for young children because they just can't wait for all the excitement to begin. When my kids were small I would have been very happy to have a school friend over for the day to keep them occupied while I was wrapping presents etc

I honestly think if you feel like this now, it's only going to be worse later on. Your parents can have Christmas at home with your brother and have all the festivities they want

Do you usually have a good relationship with your Mum, or is it always difficult?

MrsD has the right of it. You really don't need that additional stress two days after giving birth!

Your mother is being ridiculous.

Why don't you let your mum do Xmas dinner at your house? Explain you don't know where you'll be and that if in hospital it's likely DH and DD will want to spend a big chunk of the day with you but they will be very grateful for a lovely dinner. To make it simpler for all you and your mum could jointly plan an Internet/m&s food order with as much pre-prepared as possible and if you get a tiny preprepared joint of some sort less leftovers to deal with.If you put an arrangement like this in place I don't see any reason it should be awful and your mum will be much less stressed too.

Does your 5 year old have any sense of dates. If not just have Christmas later say on 28th and get the family to play along.

Also check the visiting times, as the hospital I work in relaxes the visiting times at Christmas.

With regards to you mother just say you will not be coming for Christmas dinner this year.

Your dm needs to get her priorities straight. I cannot believe your mother is talking of christmas in such a fashion when you her daughter is about to go through a very worrying time. I personally would stay in hospital over christmas and celebrate when you and baby are well enough.
Don't be stressing about this now, i'm sure she will realise how selfish she is sooner or later!

Argh YANBU!

I'm pregnant with DC2 and due date is Christmas day

We'll get grub in the freezer early and get DD's presents bought and ready. Besides that, we really don't know what Xmas this year will have in store as it all depends on when new baby makes his appearance!

For that reason we've made no firm plans with anyone and if they can't understand that I'd just say tough titty tbh!

Realisticly the hospital will want you home n christmas eve.

I would suggest to your mum that she goes home than as she isn't going to possibly get the christmas she wants at yours with your brother

Then prepare lots of freezers food in November for christmas up to NYE so you don't have any stress and hassle.

Then you dh and dc1 can all stay in a cuddle up on christmas day without anyone fussing over what you should be doing or could be doing after major surgery.

Stay in hospital until Boxing Day!

I agree with BrokenSunglasses. I would just say I'm not interested in Christmas dinner planning, etc because I might not even be there but she should just do whatever she wants. I don't think your dm is being unreasonable to want to plan Christmas Day and I don't think you can complain about your parents and brother being there when you get home even though you have asked them to provide childcare (although I do understand this might be stressful).

Can't your 5 yr old go to stay with them for Christmas while you're in hospital or do they live too far away?

Jeez if you are having a c sec on 23rd I really think you should still be in hospital on xmas day.
I would just have a nice peaceful restful time in hospital and let your Mum dad and DH spoil your older child with a traditional xmas

I'm not sure but I imagine it is vv-unlikely you will be able to go home so soon.

Does the c-section have to be on the 23rd? They said they would induce me of give me a c-section on tge 18th if ds hadn't been born then ( to avoid Christmas) and I had no other kids at home he is dc1.

Could you suggest to your dm that they all go out for Christmas dinner? You could pay for it as a thanks for looking after ds gesture?

Yea Catsize and thebootsweremadeforwalking, prob in for longer, just the consultant said i might be out xmas day, but i wont rush out to jepordise my health.

Janey and coffeeandtea, couldnt ask anyone else to come she would never forgive me...She is very good but just moans and stresses alot which does my nut sometimes. And as for Xmas i am totally along the lines of thinking more about adjusting to baby, having a nice calm time, not worrying about dinner, just hopefully enjoying this one, sitting up with a coffee with my dh and two boys and hopefully getting use to all being together.
Mrs devere think i will prolong my stay in hospital;-)

And broken sunglasses no my dh doesnt really need looking after. But xmas dinner is not a priority, i justdont want stress around this situation. this xmas is more about a new baby than xmas dinner and im sure my mother if she could take her blinkers off for 5 seconds would realize this.

Your dd staying with them instead of them coming to you is a good idea. Although if you ask them, that may just make your DM feel even more like your DH doesn't want her around on Christmas Day.

But it could be a good way of you getting the help you need without denying your parents and your brother of their Christmas dinner.

Is it all poss to schedule the csection for Boxing Day?
I too think that the priority should Xmas for the 5 yr old if you can all agree on that as a starting point then great and make your Dh is on side re you doing absolutley nothing
Hope you work it out

Of course this Christmas your new baby is most important, but people will still have to eat! Does it really matter whether they eat Christmas dinner or not?

If you are still in hospital until Boxing Day or longer, do you think your parents should have to stay in your home eating sandwiches or something?

I don't understand why it's a problem to let your mum make Christmas dinner at your house, I must be missing something.