Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my mother should just bloody act like an adult with regards to my xmas forthcoming birth....

55 replies

DMCT · 01/09/2013 12:07

Im havinga c section on 23rd of dec with my second child, first child loadsa complications etc etc long v v long recovery needing surgery etc.
Mum and dad will be coming to stay the 23rd, 24th to look after first child 5year old.....we were not sure about xmas, but thought we'd figure that one out before hand.

Mum has been getting all bloody heated bout it already, re xmas day because it is their xmas as well, and they need to plan it and my 34 year old brother will be coming too as he lives at home, and its his xmas too....! I have told here Im not really bothered about a xmas dinner as its not a priority for me really, my consultant said i may be out xmas day... Im not sure i can cope with her stressing over a bloody turkey - which she does every year. She has also gotten it in her head that dh doesnt want them there on xmas day, and that is the reason im not sure about xmas day. This is totally not true.

So all in all she is stressing me out already - she has also said she is not going to beg to come up. So we had a major arguement about it on the phone this am, she was in a 'poor me' mood , and i probably should have changed the conversation before she got going, but i didnt.

I just wish for once she could be the bloody adult, 'man up', and say something along the lines of we'll be up, we'll look after your dh and ds, and everything will be fine.

I dont know how ill feel after having this baby, im worried obviously, everything went so wrong last time. I dont know if i can cope with a houseful when i get out, or maybe i will really like it...But of course she has said she would know exactly what she was doing if she was having the baby etc....

Rant over :-(

OP posts:
mrspaddy · 01/09/2013 12:39

This is sad.. an unfair.. the most important thing is that you will need to recover.. you don't need this nonsense at the minute.
Can your children stay at her house from Christmas Eve until Boxing Day.. make your own special day the day after (have stuff prepared or order a pre-cooked turkey for collection)?

Maybe that is not fair on you though... unless you have someone else to help out.

SunshineMMum · 01/09/2013 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoundandRebound · 01/09/2013 12:41

Surely DH will be off and can look after DS and you can have a quiet just the 4 of you christmas

Tell her its OK that you'll sort it out yourselves and she can have her own Christmas at home

If you're in hospital dh and DS can go to hers

MadBusLady · 01/09/2013 12:44

Do you really need her to take care of DC1? Surely your DH can look after his own child for a few days, and cobble together a nice dinner if you feel up to eating it. I agree she sounds far too stressy to have around at a time like that. People who start fretting about (as distinct from pleasurably anticipating!) Christmas in September are a bit bonkers.

AnneEyhtMeyer · 01/09/2013 12:49

Can you not just agree to celebrate Christmas at a later date? I was in hospital for Christmas once and we just did "Christmas Day" in mid-January instead.

LJL69 · 01/09/2013 12:50

could you go down the route of " I am so sorry but you will understand that i am only worried about the birth so can I put all the Christmas planning into your capable hands? I know you will do everything you can to make sure DC has a magical Christmas Day"
I really doubt you will be out anyway. I had section (elective) on a Monday at midday and was out Thursday lunch time. They wanted me in for one more day originally but needed the bed. I really think it will be Boxing day at earliest. If you give DM carte blanche then even if you are out Christmas Day you can come home, have dinner and then put your feet up. I felt great after the section although was encouraged by all my friends to milk it as they didnt want their partners thinking it would be that way for everyone!

Original poster
DMCT · 01/09/2013 12:51

I dont want to ruin their xmas either! I'd be happy for them to do whatever they like, just as long as there is no stressing out involved.

Thank you all for your replies.........

Parents live too far away for ds to go to them, and i'd also like him here to be part of it, not feel left out.
I do appreciate them helping, but mum makes a mountain out of a molehill and i just didnt keep my mouth shut this morning when maybe i should have.

Will stock the fridge out, section has to be 23rd, cant go into labour due to injuries sustained last time, cant be any earlier as that would be too early, and xmas causes a prob as my consultant will be off then and when she is back on it will be too near my due date.

ill prob speak to my dad and explain, he will understand, and you know i think i would like to share this special time with them as i do get on with them.....if my mum keeps her hat on over silly irrelevant things.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 01/09/2013 12:56

Maybe you can get your dad to keep your mum off your back from 1st December onwards with her million questions about bread sauce and roasting trays etc. And at least have a relaxed final 3 weeks and sail back into your house blissfully unaware of her stresses.

As the others say, I'd be amazed if you were really out on Xmas day, I expect the consultant was just going to the very best case scenario in case you were really upset about missing Xmas Day. little does he know!

Original poster
DMCT · 01/09/2013 12:56

Brokensunglasses, just read your last post, there is no prob with her cooking dinner at my house, if she is not getting all stressed about it, saying my dh doesnt want her there etc. Also if i was out xmas day (which from most of the posts i guess i wont be now) i do not want to experience her up to ninty about the oven not working the same as hers, the brussel sprouts not turning out right etc and silly things like that. She gets het up about nothing. And i do not know how i will feel so do not want any major drama over a dinner of all things.

OP posts:
Original poster
DMCT · 01/09/2013 13:03

Thanks everyone for replies.
Madbus lady that would be ideal. Either that or just the four of us. Thanks feel a lil less mad now

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 01/09/2013 13:07

I'd be surprised if you weren't out on Christmas day tbh. General consensus is 2 nights but if you're well enough on day 2 (day one being the day of the op), you can go home then. I've had two emergency cs and been discharged after 12hrs and 36hrs respectively.

I'm not sure why your family even need to stay for days. When I had ds (my 2nd), I only needed childcare for the 4yo while I was actually having the surgery. I left dd (4.4) with my parents in the morning (was in labour and had been for 3 days at that point), had the emcs in the afternoon and dd was brought to the hospital as soon as I was back on the ward. From that point onwards she was with DH who brought her with him for visiting hours and otherwise, she was at home with him until I was discharged 36hrs post op. Could you not arrange childcare for the 23rd while you're having the baby and then presumably, there are no issues. You can do what you want for Christmas and your parents and brother can do what they want and then see them nearer the new year or in the new year for a delayed meal/celebration/day together. Or if they come on the 22nd, stay to look after your dc1 while you're in surgery, come and meet the new grandchild after the op and then go home again and you'll see them for New Year?

BJR · 01/09/2013 13:10

I had a c section on 23rd December with DS, in your shoes I would push to stay in until boxing day and let your mum do Christmas at your house.
If there is any chance that hospital will discharge you early then I would rethink your mum and family being at your house, I was discharged on Christmas eve and the whole of Christmas day passed in a blur. For Christmas dinner DP cooked steak and chips!

I really don't think I could of coped with a house full of people.

Fairyliz · 01/09/2013 13:15

Is your mum religious? If so just remind her that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of a baby not stuffing your face with turkey!

cakeandcustard · 01/09/2013 13:18

I'm due sometime around Xmas, my DM announced her intentions to bring the family to mine for a week, think 7 adults and two kids in my small 3 bed semi. I know she'll want the festivities to carry on regardless with requisite stress, disputes and too much booze. I just said no.

I can't do giving birth, Christmas and trying to please my family/sort everything out all at the same time without having a breakdown. She was a bit put out but I think she's got over it. DH will look after the DCs, I'm hoping to get all presents etc sorted at least a month in advance and aiming for the most low key event of my life! You need to lay it down straight and insist on no stress, these things have a way of winding themselves up.

everlong · 01/09/2013 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sashh · 01/09/2013 13:19

OP

Where do you live?

I don't celebrate Xmas and I can babysit a 5 year old.

Let your mum do Xmas at her house, say you, dh and dc will be there if you can, if not might be dh and dc1 or might be no one.

I second the idea of staying in hospital or going to a hotel.

Book different child care.

fluffyraggies · 01/09/2013 13:20

I too am thinking let your mum look after DC1 on the day of surgery, then have him back home on xmas eve. sometime ready for a quiet family xmas just the 4 of you.

You could say to your mum that you would like her, your father and your brother over for a big meal on new years, or something, to make up for it when you are feeling a bit less sore and hormonal.

Bogeyface · 01/09/2013 13:21

I sympathise, my mum is like this. She is great but gets totally wound up about things that dont matter.
DD2 was due just before Xmas, I was very ill and ended up blue lighted back in on Xmas Eve. I got home on Xmas Day and mum was in a right state. My sister told her to get a grip, cooked dinner, brought it round to us and left us to it!

You cant plan for the unknown so I would say that as Xmas clearly means so much to her, she should plan the Xmas she wants at home and make out like you are suggesting this as "I would hate to spoil Xmas for you, and as I wont be in any fit state to do anything I would probably be a right party pooper!"

Say like you are doing her a favour and you might get away with it Wink

fluffyraggies · 01/09/2013 13:27

Why do mums people get in such a tizz over xmas day dinner anyway? Confused

I have 3DCs and i am making a mental note for the future here (along with the MN do's and don't's of motherinlawing) to stay relaxed about xmas because sometimes little things like life get in the way of 'the perfect xmas' or 'the way it's usually done'!

OP - good luck :)

Clobbered · 01/09/2013 13:27

Oh dear, she sounds a lot like my DM - there seems to be a ritual fuss surrounding any large meal / family gathering and she will find something to stress about as her raison d'etre. Drives me potty - I feel your pain!!

Of course you feel as though you should be grateful for the help, but at the same time, the fussing makes you want to scream and wish her 100 miles away. She wants everything to be just so, and can't just go with the flow or see any other perspective than her own... sound familiar?

I would let the dust settle and then next time you speak, calmly say again that you are not sure that you will be out of hospital, so it's probably best if she does what she wants re Christmas dinner and leave her to get on with it. She will get the Christmas she wants - the major production around the turkey, and you will get the one you want / need - quietly getting to know your new baby and recovering IN HOSPITAL!

Good luck.... Thanks

raisah · 01/09/2013 13:33

Book everyone into a hotel/restaurant for the main Christmas dinner, this will take the stress away from everyone. All they have to worry about is Xmas breakfast & tea and opening gifts. If you are out by then you can join them if you are well enough but atleast no stress about cooking. You could suggest this instead of buying gifts to make it affordable.

s. If you book early you maybe able to book a few £19 rooms at a local travel lodge. This will give everyone a bit of space away from the boiling pot of christmas visitors. Even if your DB stays there, it will give you a bit of breathing space.

5madthings · 01/09/2013 13:35

She can do dinner just not involve you in the stress of it!

My ds3 was born on the 23rd DEC, thankfully I had a three hour labour and was home by 10am as he was born at 5am :)

On Xmas day we still had the birth pool in the living room as I had been planning a home birth! Anyway my dad came and looked after ds1 and ds2 and then went home, our family left us in peace and quiet for a few days over Xmas. We had spaghetti bolognase for Xmas dinner!

My mil was most put out by the fact I had him so close to Xmas and it messed up all her plans for visiting etc. She actually was visiting a few days before he was born (I was overdue) and was annoyed I didn't have him in time for her visit! She got over it!

If she wants to do Xmas dinner fine, if there eis space for your brother and you dotn mind him being there that is a also find but if you don't want him there that is understandable and at 34 he is big enough and old enough to understand and make alternative arrangements!

When babies are due/born near xmaa plans have to be flexible and ultimately the mothers comfort comes first.

5madthings · 01/09/2013 13:37

Baby no 5 was born on 5th DEC, dp was actually working that first Xmas and two of my others got a v&d bug and we had our water cut off due to burst pipes up the road! Twas a nightmare, I bought everything ready prepared from m&s and it was a chuck it in the oven job! Mil thought that was disgraceful as well... Ho him!

CaptainSweatPants · 01/09/2013 13:39

The mother can't just have ds on 23 dec because op has said she lives too far away

diddl · 01/09/2013 13:43

What days does your husband get off?

No way would my husband be wanting Christmas lunch with the ILs in his house if I was in hospital!

He gets on OK with them btw, just wouldn't see it as important.

As for adult sibling as well!!

If your husband can't get the time off-find other childcare!