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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH's parents treat us like children

53 replies

struggling100 · 01/09/2013 10:12

Hello all. Just to preface this by saying I genuinely don't know whether I'm being unreasonable about this - I could well be! I am looking for advice.

The problem is with my DH's parents. My DH is 41, I am 36. We both have responsible jobs and work long hours, and we would never dream of asking our in laws or anyone else for help of any kind (practical or financial). We are doing just fine under our own steam and I am proud of the fact that we are completely self-made. Yet they act like DH and I are teenagers in constant need of the most patronising help and advice. I know that their behaviour is well meant, but I feel belittled and put down by them on a near-constant basis.

I feel like that have no interest in me personally. They never listen to a word I say - evidenced by the fact that they repeatedly ask me the same questions about my preferences, background etc. For example, they keep asking us if we will move to the country, despite my repeated insistence that I dislike living outside of cities (I've even made a joke of this, and they still ask every time they see us). In some cases, I feel like they act like I don't exist. My DH recently went away on business, and they insisted on having all his flight and travel details: to me, this is my role as his wife, not their role as parents.

I also feel patronised by their comments. Last time they were here, I had cooked and frozen a dinner, and it took very slightly longer to defrost than I expected. When I put it on the table, my MIL said (literally in the kind of tone you'd use towards a toddler) 'Now what lesson have you learnt? Next time you do this meal, what will you do?' I honestly didn't know where to put myself. I couldn't even answer, so she said (with big pauses between each word, like she was talking to someone deaf) 'Freeze - it - in - smaller - portions'. Again, a minor thing, and I wouldn't have batted an eyelid if it didn't happen constantly with every little thing.

I have tried to raise this with my DH as it upsets me, but he is a real people-pleaser and just tries to keep everyone happy. I would very much like to be treated like a grown up by my in laws, but they are incredibly passive-aggressive, so I know that any direct approach would cause ruptions.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just shut up and get on with it? Advice greatly appreciated.

For example, DH is currently overseas on business and his parents asked him for his flight details so they could track him.

OP posts:

NickNacks · 01/09/2013 10:15

I think the phrase 'Did you mean to be so rude?' Would work a treat here. :)

PigOnStilts · 01/09/2013 10:17

OMG tell her to fuck right off! And remember you're only a couple of decades from being able to patronise her

PoppyWearer · 01/09/2013 10:22

What lesson have you learned?

Never to have you over for dinner again, you patronising cow!

I think all parents do this to some extent - my own DPs are always anxious to know I've arrived safely after a journey - but it does sound suffocating.

Can you get your DH to email his flight details to keep them happy?

He should be able to manage some of this for you.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 01/09/2013 10:25

What lesson did you learn ehhh to invite rude people over to dinner less I would imagine.

RattersReward · 01/09/2013 10:26

My parents still treat me as though I am a teenager despite the fact that I am similar in age to you, op, and a parent myself. I get told off for putting more water in the kettle than I need, mistakenly putting the wrong thing in a bin (I don't live in the same LA area as them so am unsure about the details of their recycling rules) and so on. I find it very annoying but realised a long time ago that our relationship is never going to progress beyond this stage. I'm sure that my parents would never have accepted the same from their own parents.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 01/09/2013 10:26

X post poppy wearer

MsVestibule · 01/09/2013 10:28

I would have batted more than an eyelid at the freezing issue, even if it was a one-off! That is incredibly rude. Why does your DH give them the flight details? What would they do if he refused?

And you're concerned about causing ruptions, but they don't care how insulting they are to you, do they? Practice a few responses, e.g. "I'm sure we've discussed this on many occasions before" and yes, as NickNacks says, in situations like the frozen food one, "Did you mean to sound so rude?" would work perfectly.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 01/09/2013 10:31

This post reminds me of a very extended family member who is in a second relationship with a man who lives with his very dominating mother. The relationship is decades old and MIL still treats them as children the funny thing is the new partner is coming up on 80 and the MIL is the best part of 100. The problem is probably nearly over.

Wellthen · 01/09/2013 10:34

In some cases, I feel like they act like I don't exist. My DH recently went away on business, and they insisted on having all his flight and travel details: to me, this is my role as his wife, not their role as parents. Hmmm I see your point but I dont think them knowing where he is will do you any harm. Annoying that they dont seem to trust anyone but I think you can let this go.

'Now what lesson have you learnt? Next time you do this meal, what will you do?' I honestly didn't know where to put myself. I couldn't even answer, so she said (with big pauses between each word, like she was talking to someone deaf) 'Freeze - it - in - smaller - portions'. Again, a minor thing, and I wouldn't have batted an eyelid if it didn't happen constantly with every little thing. WOW This is NOT a minor thing! Even as a one off this is just amazingly rude. I would have said 'I think what you meant to say was 'thank you for my meal''

I think some parents are just like this - no one can look after their baby like they do. I think you just need to deal with this directly. When they patronise you calmly explain 'you are being patronising. I have told you what I think/will be doing and thats that.' If DH is a people pleaser then you will never get anywhere through him. Its important to get on with your in-laws but they have to make an effor too.

GrendelsMum · 01/09/2013 10:35

How about a giggle, a loving pat of your MiL's hand, and a 'DMiL, you are so sweet. I'm still sixteen for you, aren't I?.'

Dobbiesmum · 01/09/2013 10:37

Don't know what the issue is about the flight details, what's the harm? They are his parents not a pair of randoms and even though he's a fully grown man they are allowed to care or worry about him! When DH flew abroad with work earlier in the year I gave the details to anyone who wanted them without an issue. We tracked him on flight radar.
The only response I would have had to the freezing dinner thing would be pure out and out sarcasm tbh which would probably not help you very much...
Is he an only child by any chance? Do they have hobbies? It sounds to me like they don't really have very much else going on in their lives and have very little else to think about.

Dobbiesmum · 01/09/2013 10:39

I should qualify that 'anyone who wanted them' means his parents and brother, my parents and my sister. All of whom care about him and wanted to see him land safely.

nomorecrumbs · 01/09/2013 10:39

I would laugh it off, TBH. And ask for a rise in your pocket money

Guitargirl · 01/09/2013 10:39

Are they/were they teachers by any chance? My aunt and uncle can be a bit like this with all the family members (even those the same generation as they are) - they are both retired headteachers and just seem to have kept the same tone they used with their schoolchildren into retirement.

Silverfoxballs · 01/09/2013 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

birdybear · 01/09/2013 10:43

If they ask for his travel plans and details, just say you have them, there is no need to worry. If they persist, ask why. Again, say you have them, so there is no need to worry! They cannot make you give them the details, so don't !

Lweji · 01/09/2013 10:44

About the flights, my parents always want to know when we travel and when we are supposed to arrive because they worry. All three of us are around 40.
So, we often do not tell them when we travel.

If you want to be treated as an adult you have to behave and speak as an adult. Even if it means challenging them on what they say.
Check out Transactional Analysis. It may help.

pianodoodle · 01/09/2013 10:59

Now what lesson have you learnt? Next time you do this meal, what will you do?'

Probably X-posting here but how about... "Eat it on our own and never invite you ungrateful bastards over again?"

DH's parents have a cryptic passive-aggresive way of approaching everything. Be straight talking with them I love it. It really puts the wind up them when you just turn around and say "what do you mean? I don't understand?"

There'll be much squirming and back pedalling but if they think you're going to pull them up every time they'll soon zip it.

Seaweedy · 01/09/2013 11:04

I employ the approach pianodoodle suggests with success. It is great because you don't have to be confrontational or aggressive, and it wrong foots rudeness beautifully, because they have to start explaining themselves.

BrokenSunglasses · 01/09/2013 11:08

Your mil was rude over the meal, but she probably didn't mean to be.

I don't see the harm in them having your DHs flight details. He is still their son, they aren't going to think about him less just because he now has a wife. It seems really petty to not let them have a few numbers if it gives them peace of mind when it makes no difference whatsoever to you.

claudedebussy · 01/09/2013 11:11

small steps. pull her up on rudeness. eventually the penny MAY drop. bloody hell - you're a saint!

Tryharder · 01/09/2013 11:11

This wouldn't bother me at all.

youarewinning · 01/09/2013 11:25

what lesson have you learnt from this?

It was a waste of my time loveingly preparing this meal for you as your not grateful. Next time I'll do fresh pizza - quick and easy and no defrosting.

Flight details is not a biggie but I can see why it bothers you with everything else going on.

AnyFucker · 01/09/2013 11:28

I absolutely love my MIL, but she once, while looking around my newly decorated dining room said "AF, you just don't have the sense of style that I have, do you?"

(this from the woman who has a very busy patterned carpet so it "won't show the dirt")

Seaweedy · 01/09/2013 11:31

BrokenSunglasses, really? I'm struggling to think of a non-rude way in which an adult guest could ask her adult hostess what lesson she has learnt from defrosting her dinner, and then tell her the required in a slow, clear, 'talking to a toddler' manner! That is just not the way you address another adult, especially one who has just served you a meal!

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