DH's parents treat us like children

[struggling100]

Hello all. Just to preface this by saying I genuinely don't know whether I'm being unreasonable about this - I could well be! I am looking for advice.

The problem is with my DH's parents. My DH is 41, I am 36. We both have responsible jobs and work long hours, and we would never dream of asking our in laws or anyone else for help of any kind (practical or financial). We are doing just fine under our own steam and I am proud of the fact that we are completely self-made. Yet they act like DH and I are teenagers in constant need of the most patronising help and advice. I know that their behaviour is well meant, but I feel belittled and put down by them on a near-constant basis.

I feel like that have no interest in me personally. They never listen to a word I say - evidenced by the fact that they repeatedly ask me the same questions about my preferences, background etc. For example, they keep asking us if we will move to the country, despite my repeated insistence that I dislike living outside of cities (I've even made a joke of this, and they still ask every time they see us). In some cases, I feel like they act like I don't exist. My DH recently went away on business, and they insisted on having all his flight and travel details: to me, this is my role as his wife, not their role as parents.

I also feel patronised by their comments. Last time they were here, I had cooked and frozen a dinner, and it took very slightly longer to defrost than I expected. When I put it on the table, my MIL said (literally in the kind of tone you'd use towards a toddler) 'Now what lesson have you learnt? Next time you do this meal, what will you do?' I honestly didn't know where to put myself. I couldn't even answer, so she said (with big pauses between each word, like she was talking to someone deaf) 'Freeze - it - in - smaller - portions'. Again, a minor thing, and I wouldn't have batted an eyelid if it didn't happen constantly with every little thing.

I have tried to raise this with my DH as it upsets me, but he is a real people-pleaser and just tries to keep everyone happy. I would very much like to be treated like a grown up by my in laws, but they are incredibly passive-aggressive, so I know that any direct approach would cause ruptions.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just shut up and get on with it? Advice greatly appreciated.

For example, DH is currently overseas on business and his parents asked him for his flight details so they could track him.

Yes, gentle assertive responses might crack this. My MIL is now dead and suffered from Alzheimer's at the end, strange to witness, as her personality half changed but I had similar passive aggressive interference from her as our children were growing up, all couched in well meaning terms. And once parents in law had left to go home - screaming tearful arguments with my partner who seemed afraid and/or wary of upsetting her.

Too late, I read a fine book on assertiveness by Anne Dickson - A Woman in your own Right and started training as a counsellor and learnt how to be respectfully and assertively confident of my own needs, and all, yes all, ;) my relationships have blossomed happily through this.

Sounds to me like she is using you for a bit of unwitting psychological sport for her own internal enjoyment: like she is unaware of herself somehow. I also think TA as Lweji mentioned earlier would be an useful way of looking at it. I suppose when someone speaks to us as a child we tend to respond as a child - either defiant or compliant. . After all if your bus driver said those type of things to you, you wouldn't take it would you? The adult in us responds without emotionality - just even and sensible, but she's not letting you be an adult.

Could be ructions if you change your mode of being with them, but worth it in the end.

My DH works abroad and always gives his parents the flight details. His dad likes to track it and check it goes well. We often text each other if DH has been delayed. I don't think it's a problem at all. He's their son and they care about him.

But the meal thing would have really pissed me off! How bloody rude.

Travel plans you could ignore - but even better would be to just not tell them every time you travel somewhere. Why do they have to know so much about your lives?

The patronizing is far far worse. But also much easier to change - start pulling them up on it every time. You've had some really good suggestions here 'Did you mean to be so rude', 'Ahhh, isn't it sweet you think I'm 16' 'Do you remember what I said the last time you asked me that question?'. Practice them so you have one ready next time instead of being rendered speechless.

I'd add 'What do you mean?' - making them explain their stupid patronizing statement gives you ample opportunity to point out that you are in your 30s/40s and help them realize for themselves that they are being stupid.

But for goodness sakes, don't keep ignoring it, you will go insane.

@AnyFucker Hahahahahaha. Oh. My. God.

But maybe I need to see the funny side more often. I think (gently) laughing at it might be the kindest approach. And it'll stop me feeling so stressed.

In answer to the questions about their professions - my MIL worked in admin, and I think taught a hobby to adults as evening classes for a bit. My FIL was a scientist, but retired in his mid 40s due to stress (this was enabled by an inheritance, not their own success!). Both are now in their late 60s, but neither has worked for decades. They have no organisational or time management skills any more - getting out of the door takes literally 45 minutes, because every thing that could ever possibly be needed on an expedition to Everest has to be packed, and taken to the car ONE THING AT A TIME, and the process cannot be abridged, however urgent the situation.

They really are on their own planet, and I think they're so out of touch with other people that they really have no idea how rude and self-centred their behaviour is. They are simply incapable of relating to other people. This worries me a lot, because they have recently become primary carers for an elderly relation, who regularly complains that he is miserable under their (unintentional) domineering behaviour.

Your husband should back you up and stop the comments. You are his wife and come first. I appreciate it's not always clear cut and most men usually take the 'anything for a quiet life' approach, but they are his parents and it's his responsibility to stop it. I had a similar situation with my (deceased mil), it did stop eventually. When she died

my MIL is like this as well, to the extent that she used to ring at 10pm every night to tell us that we had to unplug all the electricals as they might go on fire during the night. I've had 15 years of it, and 15 years of DH telling her to give it a rest, but still it comes. I'm not sure if there's anything that works tbh, except a good rant about it afterwards.

Forgot - the book you want for Transactional Analysis is "Games People Play' by Eric Berne.

Your PIL are playing a game of parenting small children. By not challenging you are also playing the game by adopting the role of a child learning from their parents. This encourages your PIL to continue the game as you have basically told them their approach is correct.

The only way to stop this game is for you to stop responding as a small child and make it an adult-adult conversation.

treaclesoda unplug the dam phone woman!
That would send me mad.

sorry, wasn't clear about it, we managed to knock the 10pm phonecalls on the head after a ridiculously long time but its been 15 years of generally treating us like children.

Just seen your update - are you my SIL? My PIL have aged and isolated as they aged so what were quite annoying traits are now monumental - they also take 45 minutes to leave a room. 30 minutes spent choosing a cake in a garden centre was also a low point.

Their children can see they are annoying but as it's an extension of what they have always done, they don't see why their partners find it incredibly rather than mildly annoying.

I tried being really nice to my MIL but realised she was always going to think she was the matriarch in my house. So now I pull her up on it and minimize her opportunities to control. She's rather shocked but so far it's going much much better.

I've become a bit soft in my old age clearly because I think the dinner thing is a bit hilarious. It is incredibly rude but in such an oh my god way that it's funny.

My MIL bugs the life out of me too (unintentionally) but she really is a nice person. Is your MIL nice? Could you try to have a personal one-to-one chat with her, get to know her and perhaps wear down your resistance to her? Once upon a time I'd have cried if my MIL said something like that to me, but I know her well enough (in a friendly personal way) that I'd probably stick my finger in my mouth and say "Yes mummy" these days and she would laugh.

Now my FIL on the other hand is a genuinely nasty person. I just completely ignore him if at all possible.

My MIL has always been like this.
We live overseas and dh is away a lot, but she has to have all his flight details written down in her notebook. She doesn't do internet though, so she isn't tracking him.
Her main thing at the moment is dd1 (18), she is struggling to see her as a teenager, let alone an adult.
We were staying with her a few weeks ago and dd1 and dd2 (15) wanted to take the 2 DNs (5 and 7- her other grandchildren) to the playground - on the same side of the road about 500 metres away- not allowed to go without an adult!
When she came to stay with us, I dropped dd1 off at her boyfriends, who lives in a high rise apartment block, so I dropped her at the security gate for her to get the lift up on her own, like she has dozens of times- but I was dreadfully irresponsible not to go up with her

ANd don't get me started on photos and family history.
I have a put together a family album of grandparents/extended family/pics of me and my sister growing up/houses we lived in etc
I'd love to do one of dh's family, but she won't lend me the photos to have copied (I've explained and explained I do not want the originals to keep, I just want to copy them - have expalined it would be an idea to get copies as what would happen if she had a flood and they were lost etc, but I'm not allowed them)- they are all in a box in the attic (Probably being eaten by mice as we speak)
But she is into researching family history, but won't share what she has found out- drives dh insane.

The meal thing is hugely annoying , I would definitely respond to that !

Flight details - my DH shares his with me and MIL. Just tell them that DH has all the details so tgey need to speak to him , and let them sort it t between themselves.

Next time they ask you the same questions you have repeatedly answered, I would be really tempted to adopt a gentle , concerned tone and explain that they seem to be losing their memories so it miggt be worth visiting the doctor . Keep doing it.

Call them on it every time. It won't be comfortable, but it would probably stop it eventually.

Hahahaha! These stories are making me laugh so much. It helps a LOT to know I'm not the only one. And @Kundry - I have totally been there at the garden centre!

My MIL is a nice person, but I have never seen her talk at a personal level with anyone. You could be having a nervous breakdown, and her reaction would be to ignore you and instead to show you every their 4,000 holiday photos (five of every subject just in case one doesn't 'come out', even though it's a digital camera). It's not meant to be cruel - you are just met with blank incomprehension if you try to talk about anything more personal than the weather, and what you did on your last holiday. A few months back, she asked me about my health and I was talking about the problems I'm having getting pregnant, and she completely changed the subject because I was tearing up slightly (not crying, there was just a bit of a lump in the old throat). I'm sure it wasn't meant to be nasty, but made me feel like I was a failure and had flouted some kind of social protocol in an embarrassing fashion.

My FIL also means well, but is emotionally manipulative to his core. This makes him sound awful - he's not - he's just never really come to terms with the idea that other people may have wishes and desires that differ from his. So he routinely begins sentence with 'I suppose you don't want to do this, but...' or 'You may find this boring...', and then everyone has to do what he wants, or talk about his subject of choice. So he will say at the end of a long day of rushing around 'Would you like to go and see X' - and you will say 'No, I'm sorry but I quite tired, and I would like to go home and sit down' - and he will ignore your answer and keep asking whether you would like to see it, or will just drive you there anyway as 'it is on the way'. He is now physically frail, but he was prone to outbursts of rage and violence as a father (a symptom of his inability to cope, hence the early retirement), and my DH I think is still frightened of him (this is why he's such a people pleaser). He has been to counselling for it, but I don't feel like I'm in a position to push too hard for him to take action, due to this.

This is so like my parents, except my dad still has rages outbursts over everything.and they are getting worse as they get older; totally blinkered to everything except their own pov.

It will be really hard for dh to stand up to them, and he will prob get really stressed if you do it.

No advice, as I have never sorted out my relationship with my parents, but I am starting to read "I'm OK you're OK" and the other book recommended upthread.

I would say

say outright please don't talk to me like I am a 10 year old

If they repeat the same question, then say I answered that question a few times before and don't give the answer.

You can be polite and gentle with a firm nature.

GrendelsMum Sun 01-Sep-13 10:35:08
"How about a giggle, a loving pat of your MiL's hand, and a 'DMiL, you are so sweet. I'm still sixteen for you, aren't I?.'"

This one works for me when my own mother forgets that I am grown up. Some people may see it as a passive aggressive, but I don't think passive aggressive is always worse than active aggressive.

What it does, beautifully, is assert your own position as someone who is so independent and confident that you simply can't be shaken by her. Anything more direct or head-on suggests that you can be shaken.

Just smile and nod, and think "when it comes to picking your retirement home.................".

And if you occasionally think out loud, well that's life.

This thread has made me laugh. I remember going to buy a new sofa which I saw in the Harrods sale. Later that day I called a family friend who my parents were visiting at the time. She asked if I'd had a good day and I said yes, had bought a new sofa. "What, without your Mother seeing it first!?" I said "Yes, I am 45 you know and quite capable". "Oh you are a naughty girl" she said.

There's no answer to that, to some people you will always be a child .

Your DH's parents sound like my IL's. It was very taxing to be in their company.

My FIL couldn't accept that there was parking at the church we were getting married at, despite me assuring him on several occasions that there was sufficient pay and display meters. My DH had to go onto google map and show the street view just prove that there was parking. In the end My FIL had to do a 'reconnaissance' the weekend before the wedding and do a dry run to the church 'to check out this parking issue'

I suppose the right answer is to accept that some people are stuck in their ways and will not change. The alternative is to mirror their behaviour back to them. If they are taking 45 minutes to get things ready and can't get out say in a child's voice "come on let's go or we are leaving without you!" Or "Now what have we learnt this time?" But that wouldn't be very nice

Sounds horrendous tbh. The travel thing I think is quite generational though and not just them; I generally find people over 60 just don't have the same nonchalence about hopping on a plane that the mini break (sorry to sound so Bridget Jones) generation have, and so travel seems to be a much bigger deal to them, requiring the sharing of details and updating on safe arrival etc. I realise that sounds patronising and of course there are exceptions.

I was reading most of your OP thinking "no big deal, I could live with this" but that stuff about the frozen dinner would have had me fizzing for weeks.

I think that you just have to ignore a lot and sound the adult. With the dinner I would have let her finish and then be a bit dismissive and said ' each to their own- I should have got it out slightly earlier' and changed the subject.
Make a joke of asking your preferences- say 'I think that I shall be testing you next time!'
With moving to the country I old just looked baffled and say 'never' - don't even feel the need to explain.
Instead of 'did you mean to sound so rude?(' a good time to use it) you could try 'did you mean to be so funny? I am 36'