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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think mil is playing the favourites game with her grandchildren.

56 replies

Benby · 31/08/2013 22:04

Hi guys,
As the title says and also aibu to be really annoyed about it.
Here's some background myself and dh are married 5 years. We have 2 dd's, dd1 is age 4 and dd2 is aged 2. My dh has one db who has a partner of 10 years. They have 2 dc, dn is 4 ( 3 months older than our dd1) and dneice is 1 years old.
Now my dh younger brother is the favourite always has been my dh just accepts this cause it has been this way for so long. But now mil is playing favourites with the children. She always takes db oldest child for sleepovers now our oldest dd keeps asking why she can't have a sleepover. Mil keeps ignoring her. Last week she was away for a few days and brought back clothes for db kids and nothing for ours as they had nothing in their sizes she said.
She had visitors today and we would normally call on the weekend like his db would but we were told during the week and reminded on Thursday not to call on Saturday unless after 6 pm. So we did as asked and it turns out the db's partner was down with her and their 2 dc and wasn't told not to call like we were.
I'm so annoyed by this as a mother I just can't understand how she can favour one so much over the other. My children are polite and well behaved we can bring them anywhere without any problems they have their moments like most children but that's normally at home not while we're out. I feel sad for my girls because she obviously doesn't care about them that much.
Aibu to limit our visits now that dd1 is starting to pick up on the differences between her and dnephew. I wouldn't mind if she wants anything she asks dh and he always obliges her and its still not good enough.
Any advice on what I should do would be appreciated
Sorry it's so long
Thanks
Benby

OP posts:

pictish · 31/08/2013 22:11

I know this hurts and I don't know what the answer is. My fil is the same. Our kids come bottom of the pile under his wife's gc. He's closer to his wife's two sons than he is to dh, which is sad isn't it? He didn't bring them up...he remarried when the kids were adults. He just prefers them.

I just pretend it's not really happening, as I can't see what else I can do.

holidaybug · 31/08/2013 22:12

YANBU - it happens a lot. I'd probably start limit the visits in your position.

Maryann1975 · 31/08/2013 22:21

We don't see PIL very often. They made it quite obvious that DH younger brother is the favourite before we had children and as a result we were never particularly close. They make little effort to see us and don't invite us round for meals etc or try to arrange to meet us, so I now think it is their loss. (eg ds birthday, card pushed through door, by them, even though we were in. surely they could have spared 5 mins to see him on his birthday). They make a great effort to see our nieces who live over 2 hours away and see them more than us even though we live in the same town. DH is used to being last in line but I do think it bothers him.

If I were in your position I would spend less time with them, I wouldn't want my children feeling they were second best to their cousins. It's not fair on them. Do your children have any other grandparents?

WaitingForMe · 31/08/2013 22:32

My MIL is quite awful in that she favours DS over DSSs from DHs first marriage.

Because she prefers babies.

We've started splitting visits so she sees DS separately from his brothers otherwise she ignores them. My DSSs adore their baby brother but if we saw more of her I think she could really damage their relationship.

PoppyWearer · 31/08/2013 22:43

My MIL does this too with our DNs. I feel sad for my DCs and it also irks slightly. DNs get taken for lots of days out at PIL's expense, local to us, and my DCs are not invited. And yet they "treat their GCs equally". Bollocks!

My MIL is also one for the babies (as long as they aren't mine), and I am watching with interest how she treats DH's other sibling's (not yet born) children. As that will be definitive proof that the equal-treatment theory is bollocks!

MammaTJ · 31/08/2013 22:46

My DM is the same, only my DSis's DC are all over 18 now, so she just choses her dog over my young DC

I am so over it. not bitter at all,no not me

mummytime · 31/08/2013 22:56

I would suggest you get busy doing other things and see much less of Grandma.
If she isn't going to treat the children fairly then she doesn't need to see too much of them. It does sound as if she is a rather toxic person anyway, and you are not going to change her having favourites.

Original poster

Benby · 31/08/2013 23:04

Hi guys thanks for the replies it helps to know I'm not alone in this. We are very lucky to have my mam. She is the best in the world and even treats my dh as if he was her son. She treats him much better than his own mother does ( how sad is that ) both our dads are dead but I knew my fil as a customer from where I worked ( he had passed away by the time me and dh got together ) but he was a lovely man and I know mil would not be getting away with this behaviour if he was still here. The girls also have a great grandad who lives with mil and while he had time for them he is old and spends alot of time sleeping.
I wouldn't mind but the girls love her and love going to see her and to see her treating them like this it really upsets me. I remember the first Xmas me and dh were together mil asked him to bring her out to buy his db an Xbox console for his present she spent hundreds and Xmas morning came and dh got a bottle of aftershave !! When we had dd2 she didn't buy her anything but when db had his dc2 she spent hundreds on clothes and brought them up the day we were visiting and took them out and showed them in front of us she just doesn't care. I could go on all night about her

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 31/08/2013 23:07

This is an aside, but how come your DD is asking the granny why she doesn't get invited? Maybe I am barking up the wrong tree here, but that sounds a bit pushy to me.

However, I am inclined to suspect the MIL is one who naturally plays favourites, which is not a bit nice and actually your DCs may be spared a lot of unpleasantness by the MIL's refusal to do for them what she does for the cousins. I would really thank your blessings here and see it as dodging a bullet.

My former MIL did this to the grandchildren -- there was one in particular whom she boasted about endlessly and with no good reason, and another who couldn't do anything right in granma's eyes. Golden girl dropped out of university and black sheep is now an aeronautical engineer. I'm not sure about the cause and effect thing there, but the favourite grandchild's fame and knowledge of her fabulousness went before her thanks to granma's motor mouth - there was no way reality could match up to the bragging.

NapaCab · 31/08/2013 23:12

Let your MIL do the running from now on then. She can call and visit and make plans and if she doesn't make the effort then you'll just have to accept that your DDs are not going to have a warm relationship with their grandmother on their father's side.

It doesn't sound like much of a loss if your MIL is so mean to young children that she distinguishes between them in this way.

DuelingFanjo · 31/08/2013 23:18

If they love seeing her and you are fed up that she is favouring her other grandchildren then surely limiting their time with her is going to make things worse all round?

Perhaps your DH could talk to her about how your daughter is noticing the difference and maybe he could suggest that dd stays over some time soon.

Original poster

Benby · 31/08/2013 23:27

Mathanxiety my dd is only 4 and her cousin is telling her he is having a sleepover with nana and asks is she having a sleep over so dd asks nana can she have a sleep over the next day and nana always ignores her and its up to me to explain to dd why she can't stay.
Dh is going to speak to her tomorrow about the latest issue so we'll see how that goes. My dd1 had just started school and dh is back to college in 2 weeks time so we will only be calling over once every 2-3 weeks. She is of course more than welcome to call over to us but I know she won't because she didn't during my dh's last college year.
If she doesn't change it will be her loss in the long run

OP posts:

PresidentServalan · 31/08/2013 23:34

I was my paternal grandparents' only grandchild but they didn't like me - so I wasn't even their favourite grandchild out of one! Mind you, they never liked my dad and he was their only child!

LimitedEditionLady · 31/08/2013 23:59

I have this favourites situation.The said grandparents rarely see ds,i could say they live far away but they find their way to see the other grandkids,that said theu dont ring very often to ask after any of us and in nearly three years have only took ds out for three hours yet take other grand children out every other week.it was like a fake token trip out to save face.Theres not much if a bond there with them which is a shame snd not what i wanted but I think yes hes missing out on those people but Im not going to pester them to spend time with him as they know they can,itd feel fake and at the end of the day its their decision.They must know inside it hurts me to hear how they have so much time with the other kids but they dont hide it so what will be will be.Theres plenty of love from our other family,their loss not his,they dont know what theyre missing.

mathanxiety · 01/09/2013 00:08

Ahh -- then perfectly understandable and not pushy at all. Apologies.

It would really hurt me to see any of my DDs just plain ignored by a grandmother. Luckily we live hours and hours away from exMIL and didn't visit often when they were all small and hardly at all now we have divorced.

It will indeed be her loss, but I would be thankful she seems to have chosen not to have much to do with your DCs once I got over the hurt of seeing a small child just ignored. Any chance you could visit even less frequently?

pigletmania · 01/09/2013 00:14

YANBU at all, that is not acceptable and good on your dh for having a talk with her. i would seriously limit her visits, eventually as your dd gets older she will know how she is treated by granny, she is already aware. Your mil sounds bloody toxic

Maverick66 · 01/09/2013 01:19

Detach yourself and your dc's lovingly from your Mil her loss and perhaps if she realises she can't play silly mind games with you she'll change her attitude. Can't stand this manipulative behaviour as it will also affect your children and their relationships with their cousins :( so sad that a mature woman acts in such a way. Her loss.

Freemilk · 01/09/2013 01:45

My MIL is similar, but i think we are a bit further down the line. we have very little contact with her, I have not seen her for a couple of years, she has never been in our new house and the kids have only seen her when my husband has been desperate for childcare and has asked his sisters (who live in the same town-complicated I had to work away from home for a short while).

The one thing that struck me from your post is that you give her the power to upset you like this so eg you sat in the room when she got out all the clothes. I am however curious to know what you tell your eldest daughter as to why she can't have a sleepover.

FWIW I don't think she will change

Stopping contact with my MIL has made me a lot happier and the dcs are better off not being her victims but it is not an easy situation.

(eg I currently have reason to suspect she is again regularly emailing my husband at work or calling him on his work mobile to discuss my failings!)

Freemilk · 01/09/2013 01:49

Sorry that was a depressing and inarticulate response, what I was trying to say is that I don't think she will change and you and your dh need to decide what you are going to do about it.

However she is your dh Mother (my experience was my husband said one thing and did another but he has always been weak and controlled by her which I guess is part of the whole thing.....)

oldgrandmama · 01/09/2013 01:59

Oh, how sad, OP. Your MIL sounds awful. I can't imagine not adoring all five of my grandchildren and treating them the same. But how good that your own mother is a wonderful grandmama to them. I don't really know what you can do about the MIL - pretty toxic behaviour. Out of interest, what does your BIL make of it? He surely must notice her favouritism and really, it ought to strike him as horribly unfair and unkind too.

Chottie · 01/09/2013 02:16

This is so sad. My DC who are now adults say that what they never had they never missed and are quite philosophical about the situation now.

timidviper · 01/09/2013 02:27

I once heard of a psychological theory which went along the lines of "the more you push forward, the more your "target" will back off" and the opposite was "if you back off it leaves a vacuum and your "target" tends to move into it to compensate". If this works then you and the family backing off and leaving MIL alone should have a far better effect than trying to persuade her to be fair.

In the original thing I heard it was a MIL interfering, popping in and being demanding. Her family had been constantly backing off but changed tactics and began calling on her, asking her thoughts before they were offered and things settled to a more manageable level than before.

I would distance yourselves, reduce contact and find fun things to do together then see if she steps up. If not you are still having a great time as a family

CharityFunDay · 01/09/2013 03:01

I would distance yourselves, reduce contact and find fun things to do together then see if she steps up. If not you are still having a great time as a family

This sounds like good advice to me.

pigletmania · 01/09/2013 08:42

i agree timi, just cut her off, dont contact her and allow yourself to be hurt by her, she has manipulated your dh and treated him badly all his life, dont let that happen to your children, they are still young. They come first, her loss. It should not be too difficult to cut off as she already does not show interest in your children so no loss, though your dd likes to see her, in time she will come to realise it is totally one sided and how badly she is treated by her dads mum. Though she will miss her for a bit she will forget and will become easier in time, out of sight out of mind kind of thing.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 01/09/2013 08:59

Mines the same, has dns once a week at least puts more thought into their presents and goes months without seeing our ds's

She's fallen out with us at the mo so hasn't seen them for 3 months, not that it makes much difference, she never comes to us so would sometimes go this long between seeing them if dp was working 7 days. She live a 5 min drive away.

Actually today sill is picking them up and taking them to see her, I can't see it working tbh and im not altogeather happy about it

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