To think mil is playing the favourites game with her grandchildren.

[Benby]

Hi guys,
As the title says and also aibu to be really annoyed about it.
Here's some background myself and dh are married 5 years. We have 2 dd's, dd1 is age 4 and dd2 is aged 2. My dh has one db who has a partner of 10 years. They have 2 dc, dn is 4 ( 3 months older than our dd1) and dneice is 1 years old.
Now my dh younger brother is the favourite always has been my dh just accepts this cause it has been this way for so long. But now mil is playing favourites with the children. She always takes db oldest child for sleepovers now our oldest dd keeps asking why she can't have a sleepover. Mil keeps ignoring her. Last week she was away for a few days and brought back clothes for db kids and nothing for ours as they had nothing in their sizes she said.
She had visitors today and we would normally call on the weekend like his db would but we were told during the week and reminded on Thursday not to call on Saturday unless after 6 pm. So we did as asked and it turns out the db's partner was down with her and their 2 dc and wasn't told not to call like we were.
I'm so annoyed by this as a mother I just can't understand how she can favour one so much over the other. My children are polite and well behaved we can bring them anywhere without any problems they have their moments like most children but that's normally at home not while we're out. I feel sad for my girls because she obviously doesn't care about them that much.
Aibu to limit our visits now that dd1 is starting to pick up on the differences between her and dnephew. I wouldn't mind if she wants anything she asks dh and he always obliges her and its still not good enough.
Any advice on what I should do would be appreciated
Sorry it's so long
Thanks
Benby

As children, we had a very similar situation. Our Nan quite obviously favoured two sets of cousins over myself and my two sisters. The situation worsened after our Grandad died. Nan would regularly say "I love you all the same" as if she was trying to convince herself! The favouritism was obvious to me from a very young age (about 6) and I remember thinking that she must love them more.

The result if all this is that by the time I was 12 or 13 I had pretty much detached myself from the woman. Our relationship was cordial but she was more like a distant great aunt than a Nan. So when she passed away two years ago, I barely shed a tear.

My mum and I have been very honest with the situation over the years. My mum is a much better Nan to my children than mine ever was. My advice to you OP would be to gradually step back. When your children are old enough to start asking tricky questions, don't lie and dress the situation up better than it is. Your children will respect you more if you are honest and tell them that you don't know why the situation is as it is, but don't deny the existence of a difference in relationship.

My XMIL had 3 sons and always blatantly favored her youngest son and his 2 kids over her other sons and her 7 other grandchildren. All grand kids the same sort of age.

All 4 families lived within walking distance of each other, but the only house she would ever visit would be the youngest son's, and the rest of us always had to go to her. And i mean always. If we didn't do our duty and turn up often enough we were 'talked about' (it would always get back to us) and get the cats bum face for a few weeks. She and FIL shelled out pots of cash for only those 2 GCs to go on expensive holidays with them, and much more time and money was spent on that son and his family generally. It was so obvious it was almost funny. Almost.

My DCs are my parents only grand kids, and although they never had the money to throw around like PILs, they lavished time and love on my DCs, which my kids cherished, so i don't think they ever really felt the unfair situation going on with 2 of their cousins and the other set of GPs.

I think it helped that XH and I always played down the situation. It was obvious how things were going to play out from early on, so we just made sure to try to avoid putting our kids in situations where they would have it rubbed in their faces. Difficult though, when MIL seemed to delight in making a point of making a big thing about where she had taken their cousins recently or about the new stuff she had bought them (making my DCs sit down and plough through a photo album of the recent trip their cousins had taken to Disney World Florida, with grandma, being a particularly low point, i remember )

With hindsight i can see that MIL was particularly attached to her youngest sons kids, because right from the start she had lots of control over their upbringing. SIL was happy to use MIL as a surrogate mum and their dad (the golden son) was a crap husband and father frankly. Perhaps in her own misguided way she was trying to make up for this by spoiling those kids so much. Sadly it meant she has basically lost contact with her 7 other GCs though (they are all teens now, so able to make their own decisions) as their was very little love or bond between them all.

You reap what you sow, OP. Your MIL has more to loose than you or your DCs in the long run.

(loooooong post, sorry )

My mum is the same. She has had my sister's DC for sleepovers since they were 2 weeks old. They have had days out, weekends away and holidays, but she has never bought my DC a packet of sweets when it's not been their birthdays, or ever babysat.

The final straw for me was the very week I asked for help because I was having major surgery and she told me no, DH and I would have to cope because my kids were too old to need babysitting (they were 16 and 14 it was just to take the pressure off). She then booked a villa in Portugal and left the day I went into hospital with my sister's kids, including DNiece who was 19 and her son.

I've not seen them since, it'll be 2 years at the end of this month. She knows things are really bad for me healthwise because I have written to her recorded delivery 3 months ago, she's not replied!

Hi guys thanks for all your replies. What I tell my dd is that maybe next time she can have a sleep over because nana has work the next day my dd has accepted this so far but I just feel so upset for my dd.
Myself and dh had a chat last night and while he feels he must confront her about our children being excluded yesterday that regardless of the outcome we are going to pull back to 1 visit every 3 weeks and tell her she is more than welcome to call to us in between. I don't think my dd's will miss out on anything in the long run. They do like to go over and are excited when we go but never ask to visit unless we tell them we're going.
My dh's db and partner would like people to believe that my dh is the favourite when it's so obvious that he's not. It's not all materialistic things either when all the grandchildren are there together she favours db's children for holding them, talking to them, playing with them. If they are already in mil's before we arrive she barely acknowledges our girls only the odd comment that the other kids were quiet before our children came and aren't the four of them loud now we're there but yet when the same thing happens but we're there first there are no smart comments to db and his partner.
Actually the more I think about this the more it upsets me so its time to put our plan into action and follow it through also going to not remind him to call her ( I tell him to ring in the evening ) and see how long it takes for her to ring because she only ever rings our house when she's looking for something and I mean every time she rings us she wants us to do something for her. She's never once rang to just ask how we are or the girls are.
So time to pull back girls thanks for all the good advice I really appreciate and thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone in all this

littlemiss -

It must be so much more hurtful when it's your own mum behaving like this with your brother or sisters children. At least when it's your MIL it's hurtful, but it doesn't feel so ... personal. The favored children in my case were my husbands brothers kids. Bit more removed.

Xposted OP.

''also going to not remind him to call her ( I tell him to ring in the evening )''

I did this!

Evil

I think you're handling this well OP. Good luck.

fluffy that is disgusting, after that i would not have any contact with her, how toxic of her to show you pictures of the wonderful Florida holiday that she had with your cousins, that excluded you.

Thanks Fluffy. It does hurt, but I was always the child who was left out when I was younger, too, so I am kind of used to it now.

Littlemiss that is absolutely disgusting, you are well rid of this toxic woman, its very sad that it is your own mother. op dont lie to your children, tell the truth, that you dont knwo, eventually your dd will find out

needaholiday that is disgraceful, the world is full of damaging and very toxic parents is shocking

Its sadly not rare for both parents and grandparents to have favourites.

Some are very clearly favoured by their own parents over siblings and that must be worse than a grandparent doing it as you are in the same household all the time.

You just need to hide it from your children as much as possible and maybe cut the contact down with both the cousins and the gran.

I would definitely reduce contact( consider cutting contact)
I did this to my mil ,who was not only a terrible woman, but who also favoured her other grandchildren.
She now complains that she doesn't see her grandchildren .

I haven't read the whole thread yet but I know how you feel.

MIL prefers my DNiece over my DD. DN only has one set of GP's and MIL has looked after her since she was a baby while her parents worked. I am a SAHM so haven't needed a lot of childcare and my DM usually looks after them if I do. DD and DN are only a year apart. DD is 9 and DN is 10. DNiece is always there and sleeping over. She goes to all her school events but has never been to see any of my DC's in anything.

At first we managed to cover up how much time she was given over my DD but as time has gone on and the girls talk, DD now knows she isn't treated the same. It has made a massive difference to the relationship between my DD and my MIL and my DN. She was very close to my DN but now there is jealousy and resentment creeping in. They will not be friends when they get older as I had thought they might.

We are close to our PIL and in other ways they are wonderful and I love them dearly but this has caused bad feeling on our part and in the future I can see a big bust up.

My pil are exactly the same but it's my husbands son (my dss) who is the golden child and they blank mine and my husbands ds when they see him in the street. Dss has everything he wants and sees them weekly and they haven't bothered with ds for going on 9 months now!! They live 5 minutes away from us, pass the house daily but don't bother calling or ringing. Dss rarely comes here anymore as we run a tight ship when it comes to discipline and toys he prefers to go to pil where he has and does what he wants.

Ds is 2 and at the moment it doesn't affect him but I'm sure as he gets older he'll start to question why they are the way they are me and dh have said that he'll be told the truth and he can decide what he wants when he's older. Try are incredibly toxic people and there is a massive back story to their bizarre behaviour but as his mother it is my role to protect him from people like them. He isn't missing out in having no contact with them in fact he is benefiting from it.

I used to be incredibly angry and resentful because of the way they are to ds but I have detached and now see them for the pathetic people they are, they will end up sad and lonely with what? Nothing! Hold your head up high and enjoy you little family without letting them affect you in shape or form!

Id dh brother aware of the situation? Does he care? If he turned round to MIL and said his dd couldn't stay over because your dd hasn't that might stop her in her tracks.

But I suspect he either doesn't know or doesn't care.

Mines is exactly the same, I'm repeatedly astounded by how these MIL's find it acceptable to go on about trips/gifts etc it's as though they are completely oblivious or trying to rind everyone up.

should be wind everyone up

Call her on it!

My in laws play favourites, they did it with DH and his sis, they try to do it with our children.

No way on this earth I will allow it. They favour our DD ( buy her gifts not DS) the gifts are returned.

I also limit contact and it's supervised. toxic pigs

I find it funny how MIL & FIL both complain that neither of them were the favourite children and how horrible it was yet they favour SIL and her dc over dh and his dc... Also MIL sister has loads of time for SIL and her dc and virtually none for ours

Go figure that!

The more detached I become the easier it gets to put up with, just makes me sad that my dc have no extended family.

Hi guys my dh's db is well aware about how different their treated its being going on with dh and him since they were kids and he can see quite clearly how mil is now doing the same with our children but he doesn't care because his children are coming out the better of it. I'm sure he would have plenty to say if it was his dc being left out.
My dh rang her today to say about what happened yesterday and she said she knew this would happen when they came down and she said she forgot to tell them not to come down ! ! She managed to tell us twice not to come down but couldn't even tell them once I find that hard to believe. If she knew it would be an issue why didn't she say something last night when she rang. She thought she would get away without being found out that's why.
I was very proud of dh he is normally really fiery and quick tempered but he just held his cool. He told her it seems like she's favouring db's dc and she dented this but dh said it feels that way to us. He told her dd now back to school and he going back to college so we'll be busy and not over for a few weeks but she's more than welcome to call here. I won't hold my breath
Thanks again guys for all the help
Benby

Dented = denyed

Good on your dh, though I would have gone into far more detail and I would have told her that as a result we are not going to contact her. Just dont contact her or make the effort, if you dont hear from her, you have your answer, and just concentrate on your lovely little family. You reap what you sow