To think mil is playing the favourites game with her grandchildren.

[Benby]

Hi guys,
As the title says and also aibu to be really annoyed about it.
Here's some background myself and dh are married 5 years. We have 2 dd's, dd1 is age 4 and dd2 is aged 2. My dh has one db who has a partner of 10 years. They have 2 dc, dn is 4 ( 3 months older than our dd1) and dneice is 1 years old.
Now my dh younger brother is the favourite always has been my dh just accepts this cause it has been this way for so long. But now mil is playing favourites with the children. She always takes db oldest child for sleepovers now our oldest dd keeps asking why she can't have a sleepover. Mil keeps ignoring her. Last week she was away for a few days and brought back clothes for db kids and nothing for ours as they had nothing in their sizes she said.
She had visitors today and we would normally call on the weekend like his db would but we were told during the week and reminded on Thursday not to call on Saturday unless after 6 pm. So we did as asked and it turns out the db's partner was down with her and their 2 dc and wasn't told not to call like we were.
I'm so annoyed by this as a mother I just can't understand how she can favour one so much over the other. My children are polite and well behaved we can bring them anywhere without any problems they have their moments like most children but that's normally at home not while we're out. I feel sad for my girls because she obviously doesn't care about them that much.
Aibu to limit our visits now that dd1 is starting to pick up on the differences between her and dnephew. I wouldn't mind if she wants anything she asks dh and he always obliges her and its still not good enough.
Any advice on what I should do would be appreciated
Sorry it's so long
Thanks
Benby

I would be inclines to tackle it head on.
Sit your MIL down with a coffee, tell her there is something you have been concerned about so want to ask her ....if she dislikes your children.

I suspect the answer will be shocked denial. At which point you can say that you have only thought it because ....and cite all your examples. One after another.

Non aggressive, not confrontational, but a genuine "wondering why" is the best approach to take, and its important you present as bewildered not angry. Whatever she says.
This is not an argument, it is holding up a mirror to the behaviour.

I think she will change

I think get busy and be less available to her. Don't see them as often. Expect little from them.

Well done DH

I understand albeit roughly what this situation feels like. My DH has one sibling, DBIL 21 who is LFA. He has always been favourite and treated extra specially due to his autism and my DH has just accepted this all his life. Even now when we see DPILS it's 'Ooh BIL is going here, going there, doing this, that and the other and oooh we have got him this and now he can do this etc etc'. I sound like a bitch but I do wish DH's parents would realise that it doesn't go unnoticed. I feel for you OP, confront MIL but nicely :)

Re the change thing what is your MIL like with others? I suppose as well what is the back story about how she treated her kids when they were chldren.

Gradually I realised more and more how bad mine was and how she would never change, I don't think a single member of her husbands family has spoken to her for years, and she recently has been continually playing her sister and her brother off against each other (over who does most for their Very elderly mother) despite the fact that she is the only one living in a different country and has done nothing for her for many years.

I think the reason they do it is power and control the Disney story is one of the worst I've heard but mine thought nothing of giving gifts/cake/money to one set of grandchildren and not the others when they were all in the room at the same time.

Someone else asked what the favoured children's parents thought of it in my case the son in law saw it and agreed it was blatant the daughter first admitted she saw it then very quickly (same convo) denied it in a quite aggressive fashion. They have no interest in stopping it she put mega pressure on them to move to her town which they did and has now enmeshed their lives in a really quite unhealthy way and he started a conversation with me (last time I saw him a couple of years ago) saying that the only way for him to be happy was to bend to her will.

So as not to drip feed, we did call her on it, she then rounded on me and my kids (not her ds my husband) and yelled and screamed a lot of verbal abuse, the trigger for us to stop contact (although we had already decided to do so) I suppose for us now we simply have her very public insults which can at least explain our decision.

Good luck