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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL has turned into a monster since DD was born...

62 replies

polly81 · 31/08/2013 21:57

Long time AIBU addict lurker but first time poster so please be gentle!

DH and I have been together for about a million years. We have one DD who is just one. We both work FT. In the past I have made a MASSIVE effort with ILs and we had a very good relationship.

Just before DD was born DH and I did wills and we said DD should go to my DM. MIL went absolutely postal, crying on DH and slagging off my DM. We made some changes to the wills (but kept DD going to my DM). We were both upset by the whole thing, DH was sad that MIL was sad and I felt MIL had really overstepped. However as we had had a good relationship and I really want DD to have a good relationship with ILs I tried to chalk it up to experience. However since then there have been a series of issues. Example one - she invited herself to stay when I was 40 weeks pg, I thought totally overstepping but we felt we had to let her after the strop about the wills. Example two - she told me I didn't love DH because I don't want to move to where he wants to move to. Example three - she invited herself to stay for the first week I went back to work, we said that was too much but why not come for part of the time and she threw her toys out of the pram. You get the idea. When we do see her she pretty much snatches DD off me as soon as we arrive. Because of all this and because I just have no time with a baby and a job, we don't see her as much and she thinks she is very hard done by.

I see a lot of my DM which I think makes MIL jealous, but I wouldn't accept this behaviour off my own DM either.

DH is not blind to her faults and generally backs me up on the bigger things but doesn't see everything the way I do and wants his mum to be happy, which is how it should be but not if what she needs to be happy is U! He is otherwise wonderful

I genuinely really want us all to have a good relationship with MIL and MIL to be an important person in DD's life, but I want MIL to accept that DD is our baby so we make the decisions and to respect that there are going to be times when we don't want her to stay. AIBU? And any tips on dealing with her?

OP posts:

breatheslowly · 31/08/2013 22:06

Why did you tell her about the wills? Our DD will go to DB and DSIL according to our wills, but I don't think we have discussed this with DPIL.

heidihole · 31/08/2013 22:17

Our DS is going to my parents in our wills. We told them (asked them!) but didn't tell PIL for this exact reason ;). You have my sympathies. If I had the solution I'd be a millionaire!

Original poster

polly81 · 31/08/2013 22:19

I told her because I didn't want there to be any arguments or upset about it if we did die, I thought telling her was part of being prepared - BIG MISTAKE!!

OP posts:

Marshy · 31/08/2013 22:19

Telling get about the wills was not a good idea. Entirely your decision re your dc of course but not unreasonable of get to feel upset about it. Would've been better for her just not to know as hopefully it will never have to be enacted anyway

She sounds a bit insecure, though quite hard work also. She just wants to be loved and to feel as if she matters - not identifying with this at all, oh no

Marshy · 31/08/2013 22:21

Get = her. Damn phone

DoJo · 31/08/2013 23:38

I agree that only the people who you name as guardians need to know, especially if you are 'choosing' one family over another. That's the only good thing about being dead - that you get to have the last word and nobody can argue with you about it! As to everything else, I think you and your husband need to decide what is and isn't acceptable and stick with it so that you present a united front and won't be easily flustered if things kick off. Be firm, fair and try to include her by surprise, as it were rather than always waiting for her to invite herself or suggest a visit - if you pick a time which works for you and suggest she visits then she can't complain that you aren't welcoming her with open arms, and if it doesn't work for her then you are equally justified in refusing on dates that don't work for you. I also suggest neither agreeing to anything concrete without checking with the other - that is a golden rule in our house and makes things a lot easier.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2013 00:34

If anything happened to us we've said we'd rather the DD's go to my mum than DH's, even though we don't really get on with her.

But we know she'd welcome them with open arms, and they wouldn't.

So I can understand your thinking (and think you shouldn't have told her either, but it's done now), and your MIL has just proved your point! I can't believe you submitted to her and amended the wills!

You acknowledge she goes to any lengths to get her own way/hammer her point home that she's the one with control over your life, and you're powerless in the path of her onslaught, but you still let her

I can feel my blood pressure rising

But railroading you at a vulnerable time when you're 40 wks, questioning the love you have for your DH (to manipulate you on his behalf FFS), and snatching your DD from you in your own home, they're some pretty overbearing things.

Getting that control back will inevitably involve WWIII, but that's her responsibility, not yours, you can only hope she'll back the fuck off when the dust settles (and she will be back because she needs this to feed on contact with her family).

Oblomov · 01/09/2013 08:48

You seem unable to comprehend how hurtful you have been.
I appreciate she can be tricky, but telling her about the will, that she is your last resort, would hurt me incredibly. And you spending loads of time with your mum, plus that means she gets to see her granddaughter loads, but mil hardly gets to see you or granddaughter, is so incredibly hurtful.
But you seem to have empathy bypass and seem unable to see this, from her pov.
If I had a dial and she treated me the way you treat her, I would be so incredibly hurt.

pumpkinsweetie · 01/09/2013 08:58

Think you should check out the stately homes thread, par from the will thing she sounds toxic & manipulative.

LucilleBluth · 01/09/2013 09:01

I think she feels left out and no wonder really, my DS's are small but I'm sure I would be hurt to in her situation.

SmallBee · 01/09/2013 09:05

If she's upset you spend loads more time with your Mum than her I would suggest maybe actively inviting her round/arranging activities you can do as a family? My ILs have a standing agreement that the whole family have Sunday lunch together once a month to make sure everyone sees the grandparents etc.
I'm not saying it'll be a magical solution but it might help her feel a bit more secure?

Silvercatowner · 01/09/2013 09:12

As the mother of 2 boys, now adult, the thought that I might be in someway sidelined as I was the fathers mum not the mothers mum is incredibly hurtful.... I'd not even considered such a thing might come about.

missalien · 01/09/2013 09:12

I think she just sounds hurt too .

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 01/09/2013 09:17

SmallBee's idea is good - take the initiative and propose arrangements to her.

WipsGlitter · 01/09/2013 09:21

I agree you should not have told her about the wills.

Re the 'snatching' of course she wants to see her GD. There's loads in here who moan their MiL doesn't bother.

I think they can't win sometimes.

Optimist1 · 01/09/2013 09:25

Agree that it was a mistake to tell her about the wills, and that she was hurt (by the way it was communicated to her?). And, to be honest, the three examples you give of her "monstrous" behaviour could be seen as :

She came to be with you at the time you were due to give birth - to give moral and practical support to you and her son?
She pointed out that love can sometimes mean compromise, and that her son has good reasons to want to relocate.
She came when you were starting back at work - see 1) above.
She can't wait to get her hands on her wonderful granddaughter.

Give the woman a break!

mrsharrystyles · 01/09/2013 09:44

As a mother of adult sons, my biggest nightmare is the thought of a DIL that excludes me from my grandchildren. Just the thought of it makes me want to weep.
I know it can be a difficult relationship but I do think your MIL is trying desperately to be helpful. When you wrote that you see your DM often, I just wanted to sob for your MIL. Can you not see how hurtful that must be for her? Please give her a break. Include her and let her see that she's as important as your mum. That's all she wants.

Oblomov · 01/09/2013 09:46

How does someone invite themselves? This has never happened to me. I just say no. Or rather, ' thank you so much, but I can't do that, because ..... I'm still recovering from c-section/ I'm going to diabetic clinic that day/ I'd rather die than ...... '

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 01/09/2013 09:53

Yanbu. Your life, live it your way. Don't bend over backwards. Mil has had her children. She needs to back off and allow you to raise yours without drama and demands.

angeltattoo · 01/09/2013 09:55

I think she does sound overbearing.

nobody but myself and my DH would have been welcome to stay in our home during the last week of us expecting our first baby. It was a special and lovely time for us. As a grown woman, this is a decision you should have been free to make without being made to feel guilty for or change to accomodate another grown woman. She may have wanted to help, in which case she should offer, and accept the choice of the parents with good grace.

Who your DD goes to is your decision. She can feel hurt all she wants, she may have hoped it would be her, but again, she needs to accept your decision because you and your DH have made the decision as adults and parents.

Don't want her staying? Here, you just need to tell her so, and ignore any tantrums. If her tantrums don't get her anywhere, they will stop. So really, you have to change things here.

I say this as someone who's DM wanted to stay when I was pg/in labour etc, and who would be hurt/upset that by DB would get guardianship of my DD. i understand her hurt, but likewise, she understands that these decisions are made by myself and DH in the best interests of our own family.

Finally, if the other things improved, and she respected your autonomy as a parent, perhaps her wanting to focus on DD during visits might not bother you so much? My own mum and dad are a bit like this, and it rankles, but I try to hold it in as I live with DD, have her all the time and at the end of the day, get to leave with DD and take her home, and I know they just love her and miss her madly when she is not around, so I try to be kind. although if my mum doesn't stop asking my DD 77 times a ay to come a live with her, that might change. I am enjoying my DD like my mum enjoyed her babies now stop trying to make me feel bad

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 01/09/2013 09:55

If shet didn't want to be excluded she shouldn't have invited herself over when the op was due to have a baby any day, or during the very stressful back to work period. Maybe if she stopped getting her knickers in a twist and actually spoke like rational person the Op would be more understanding.

I hate the MIL 'defenders' that seem to totally ignore thefact that a pperson's relationship with their own mother is bound to be different to their relationship with their MIL. And that doesn't mean that she is sidelined. Maybe it means that thr DH needs to put more effort into facilitating the relationship. The op says she wants them to have a good relationship with DD, the thing standing in the way of that is tge MIL being unreasonable.

KingRollo · 01/09/2013 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 01/09/2013 09:57

I think that your DH should treat your Mum as you treat your MIL, for six months and then you should ask your Mum get opinion.

Why does your Mum take priority?

If the parents die, both sides of the family (ifvthey apply) are assessed as carers, so why anyone tells their other relatives that they are second choice, I don't understand. It what you want in your living will, it doesn't give anyone more legal rights to residency.

It be really hurtful to your MIL that your DH doesn't see her as important as your Mum, in his child's life.

If you have a boy and girl, will you be happy to be sidelined for one set of Grandchildren because they are your son's and not your DD's?

MimiSunshine · 01/09/2013 10:04

Agree with HopALongOn its not DIL sidelining MIL it's sons not keeping mothers involved. Why is that the wife's job?
I've been told by my DM that I need to organise invites for my BF DM but I've said no way, that's his job and if he doesn't invite her over then that's his choice. He wouldn't think to invite my DM over would he and nor would he be expected to.

Oblomov · 01/09/2013 10:06

Ah Rollo, then it's your dh who needs to learn to say no. Or to check with you before agreeing to anything, as another poster suggested. Simples.
It's not the pil's fault, it's your dh's.

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