MIL has turned into a monster since DD was born...

[polly81]

Long time AIBU addict lurker but first time poster so please be gentle!

DH and I have been together for about a million years. We have one DD who is just one. We both work FT. In the past I have made a MASSIVE effort with ILs and we had a very good relationship.

Just before DD was born DH and I did wills and we said DD should go to my DM. MIL went absolutely postal, crying on DH and slagging off my DM. We made some changes to the wills (but kept DD going to my DM). We were both upset by the whole thing, DH was sad that MIL was sad and I felt MIL had really overstepped. However as we had had a good relationship and I really want DD to have a good relationship with ILs I tried to chalk it up to experience. However since then there have been a series of issues. Example one - she invited herself to stay when I was 40 weeks pg, I thought totally overstepping but we felt we had to let her after the strop about the wills. Example two - she told me I didn't love DH because I don't want to move to where he wants to move to. Example three - she invited herself to stay for the first week I went back to work, we said that was too much but why not come for part of the time and she threw her toys out of the pram. You get the idea. When we do see her she pretty much snatches DD off me as soon as we arrive. Because of all this and because I just have no time with a baby and a job, we don't see her as much and she thinks she is very hard done by.

I see a lot of my DM which I think makes MIL jealous, but I wouldn't accept this behaviour off my own DM either.

DH is not blind to her faults and generally backs me up on the bigger things but doesn't see everything the way I do and wants his mum to be happy, which is how it should be but not if what she needs to be happy is U! He is otherwise wonderful

I genuinely really want us all to have a good relationship with MIL and MIL to be an important person in DD's life, but I want MIL to accept that DD is our baby so we make the decisions and to respect that there are going to be times when we don't want her to stay. AIBU? And any tips on dealing with her?

I think you sound a bit U to be honest.

Glad I have a DD and not a DS, couldn't bear to be treated like this. Poor MIL.

Also, why is she a 'monster' ... I really do not think she sounds like one, sorry.

I think I agree with optimist1 - a lot of what you say is open to interpretation, and my feeling is that you seems to expect your mil to gratefully and quietly accept that she's bottom of the heap. Tbh.

I have 2 boys and looking in to the future, if my sons were going to do this in their wills, I'd just prefer not to know, because I would be really hurt. I understand that it's likely a possible DIL will be closer to her own mother, see her more and therefore any grandchild see the other GP's more.

I hope I wouldn't behave in the way your MIL is, but I can see why she's 'gone off on one'.

Did you not anticipate potential reactions to your disclosure about your wills? You have to think these decisions right through.

I'm not seeing a monster either, but rather a woman who has been slaughtered in the popularity contest created by her dil without her knowledge, and is understandably hurt.

I can imagine she's a bit full on, but OP you're not exactly covered in glory either. You sound like your empathy chip is after being rebooted.

KingRollo I would advise being more pro-active with your invitations to your PILs. I find that both my PILs and my DPs get twitchy if we don't have anything booked to see each other for about 3 weeks, so I try to find a date or two that are convenient for us and suggest we do something then.

You need to find the frequency that works for you.

If something else then crops up and they want to see us sooner, and we can't/don't want to, we can then say "never mind, we will see you in a couple of weeks anyway".

'Empathy chip needs rebooting'
Ha ha. Lol.

I do think you need to take some time to mend the relationship here.
Spending more time with her and giving her more opportunities to look after DD would help.

I can see why she is behaving as she is given the hurt.

I don't agree.

It is up to the child of each parent to have a relationship with their DM/DM and facilitate a relationship with their DC.

I do not take on the responsibilty of my DH's relationship with his DP. If he wants to visit, he suggests it and we go at a mutually cnvenient time fo all. PIL do the same if they want to visit us. I will also suggest to him that perhaps we should pop in if it's been a while, but leave the actual arranging to him.

I do likewise with my own DP.

DH and I also don't make arrangements without checking withthe other, althought there's never usually any problems as we try to do what the other wants. Basically, common courtesy.

Those mothers of sons who see future DIL as potential gatekeepers to future DC always make me . you will have a relationship with your DS, if this is good it will not be affected in anyway by his wife. Surely these sons will still have thoughts, opinions, brains, arms and legs after they're married?

My DB has a lovely relationship with DP, married a lovely woman, and still has a lovely relationship with DP. My DP respect their adult children and their spouses and we all get on nicely. But it is not for my SIL to negate my DP and DB relationship.

I will see my own DM as and when suits me, with no regard to limiting it because my MIL might be upset. We're independent adults FFS.

Mimi - sorry but I found your comments quite saddening.

Both sets of GPs have now died but while they were alive they were our family.

DP & I never put our own parents first to the exclusion of the others. They were both kept up to date when milestones were reached by their precious GDs. I would remind DP that we hadn't seen his mum for a while and he would suggest that we visited my dad.

I never thought " she's DPs mum it's up to him to let her know that DD has cut her first tooth - it's nothing to do with me"

She was my daughters' GM and loved them very much (as did my DF) .

Even though they lived a long way away they were always very much part of our family.

I can't believe people are siding with your MIL. Her behaviour is outrageous and unreasonable. I think you need to set some boundaries, particularly with regards to the times at which she visits, which should be mutually convenient.

I think if MILs want to see their grandchildren, they should think about being useful and a positive force in their DIL's life, instead of a complete pain in the ass! You're bound to want to see parents who offer concrete, practical support more than those who waltz in like Lady Muck!

If the parents die, both sides of the family (ifvthey apply) are assessed as carers, so why anyone tells their other relatives that they are second choice, I don't understand.

That simply isn't true. The appointing of guardians in wills is routine, and their decisions as to where the children live will not be overridden by courts unless the proposal is manifestly unreasonable. Courts and social workers will not get involved in some hideous Jeremy Kyle argument about who loves their grandchildren more unless there is a clear reason to believe that the child is at risk of harm from the guardians. The Guardians can apply for a residency order, for example, without the consent of other relatives, and the threshold for that order being refused is very high: a great deal higher than another grandparent wailing "it should have been me". Unless the guardians appointed in the will are the subject of clear child protection concerns, that's the end of it.

Oooh weird that you told her, she's hurt and clinging on. You need to try and have it out with her and give her reassurance some how. Otherwise relationship will become more bitter. Good luck

I have never forgotten my dd's mil saying to me,"I know you'll always be number one grandma." She has two sons-does that mean she has to always take second place in her dgc life? I replied, "No, we'll be equal." And we are-I do the everyday stuff as we are nearer but she does lots of fun stuff. They take the boys for weekends at their caravan regularly and we share birthdays etc. Yes I am much closer to my dd than she is, of course I am but the dgc love us equally I am sure.
Give your poor mil a break. As for the wills it would be better to have someone of your own generation as guardians in the unlikely event of your deaths. You must have hurt your mil a lot and it was unnecessary.

Struggling - by MILs do you mean just the mother of the child's MIL?

Just re-read OP and your mil is behaving badly but it does all seem to date from the will fiasco. She is hurt and flailing around blaming you.

I think if MILs want to see their grandchildren, they should think about being useful and a positive force in their DIL's life

Mils; know your place eh?

Of course, my own mil signed the contract that stated that she must be a constant source of aid and delight for me, while not expressing any feelings of her own.

The mothers of just boys must despair at the self entitled shit they read on here.

I agree with Mimisunshine, it shouldn't be a wife's job to ensure that her husband maintains close relationship/contact with his mother.

I've had so many nasty letters from my xmil. they stopped when I told her that I felt sorry for her that her son didn't do more for her. I told her that the path to a better relationship (or a relationship full stop) with her gc is through her son. iT'S up to her to get in touch with her son, be pro-active, arrange things, do some inviting, make some effort. don't send a dil nasty letters because she's not visiting a woman who is horrible to her... not rocket science really.

So, delegate, delegate, delegate. Get your h to bring the child over to her. Get him to take responsibility for his mother's discontent and sense of injustice, get him to take pro-active measures to fix it.

Pictish, I don't see it like that. The respect I showed my MIL when I was with her son would have continued if she hadn't turned on me and blamed me and insulted me and mocked me and threatened me when I left her precious son. I listened to her tell me over the years how fil had raped her. I was sympathetic. I certainly didn't invalidate her feelings by disbelieving her. When I had to leave her son, she showed me none of the same support or respect.

I have one of each and based on my own experience, if my son is in a relationship that breaks down I will remember that no mother ends a relationship on a 'whim' and that it will be hard for her too no matter whose decision it was to end it. Mils aren't all the same, Dils aren't all the same and sons aren't all the same.

Zoe I concur!

Rather than demonising your mil for being hurt by your big choice, you could delegate to your husband.

I think you were right to tell her about the wills - surely if the worst happened its better for people to know your intentions than to be fighting over your kids? Mine are going to my DSis and DBIL and DH's family have all been informed - the country we are in doesn't go by what you request in your will although they do bear it in mind.

Hi everyone and thanks for the responses.

Telling her about the will - we wanted to avoid any nasty surprises if the worst happened and we didn't want to go behind her back. That is what I would have wanted in her shoes but thanks Vesta for putting it so clearly why you wouldn't want this and in hindsight and with the help of the MN jury I do see it was hurtful even though that wasn't how it was meant.

Mothers of sons - of course I wouldn't want to be left out by my DIL and I don't want to leave my MIL out - as I said I have always made a big effort and we do invite her over etc. However I don't think that means we're not allowed to do anything MIL doesn't like (even if her offers are well meant, Optimist) and that's not what I would expect from a DIL. I don't think it is realistic to expect the same relationship with the DIL as she has with her DM but I do think the GPs should be equal iyswim.

Angel I think you have hit the nail on the head - if I felt she respected me as a parent I could rub along with all the rest. Maybe I should try to have a chat to make sure she knows she is important to us but to ask her to respect our choices?

The respect I showed my MIL when I was with her son would have continued if she hadn't turned on me and blamed me and insulted me and mocked me and threatened me when I left her precious son.

I'm sorry you went through that, but that is not what is happening here.

I can only go on the information offered. I think the OP's posts lack empathy, and I think the will business could potentially be hurtful to anyone, and her reaction was not unusual.

I think making a beeline for the grandchild when she arrives is fine. My mum did the same. I was glad of the break.

Inviting herself to stay when OP was 40 wks pg - that's too keen. OP's dh should have turned her down and made arrangements for a more convenient time. However, if, as I suspect, the OPs mum was allowed to be involved with all the excitement of having a new baby, you can understand mil wanting to come along too. She's allowed to ask, and her son is allowed to say no.

I think this relationship is salvageable. A little more empathy from OP, a little less fight from mil. A lot more reassurance from dh to his mum, in the form of including her more himself, and leaving OP to enjoy her relationship with her own mum.

Maybe I should try to have a chat to make sure she knows she is important to us but to ask her to respect our choices?

Yeah totally! You (or preferably your dh) should absolutely have a chat. Communication is key.

I am married to my MIL's only child, her son, the second coming.

I think that often the problem becomes a vicious cycle: female partner will of course have a closer relationship with her own mother, this often intensifies when DC come along; MILs, particularly ones who don't have daughters of their own (which I think helps on two counts - sustains them with a close relationship they crave, and gives them the other perspective), are paranoid about this BEFORE any DIL comes along (as other posters on this thread have illustrated).

The cycle then becomes: MIL becomes pushy and overbearing. DIL withdraws and favours her own family. rinse and repeat. It is possible for the DIL to break this cycle. I find the more I invest in my MIL, the more relaxed she becomes. I don't take on DH's relationship with her - that's for him (eg I don't sort out her birthday). But what I do try to do is to consider my relationship with her in its own right, and make as much effort with her as I would my own aunts say (who I'm fairly close with). Being proactive to call and arrange things with her and the DC goes a long way. I find her difficult, so often absent myself - but that is perfect. All she wants is time alone with DH and DC to enact her weird fantasies and I get much needed time to myself.