MIL has turned into a monster since DD was born...

[polly81]

Long time AIBU addict lurker but first time poster so please be gentle!

DH and I have been together for about a million years. We have one DD who is just one. We both work FT. In the past I have made a MASSIVE effort with ILs and we had a very good relationship.

Just before DD was born DH and I did wills and we said DD should go to my DM. MIL went absolutely postal, crying on DH and slagging off my DM. We made some changes to the wills (but kept DD going to my DM). We were both upset by the whole thing, DH was sad that MIL was sad and I felt MIL had really overstepped. However as we had had a good relationship and I really want DD to have a good relationship with ILs I tried to chalk it up to experience. However since then there have been a series of issues. Example one - she invited herself to stay when I was 40 weeks pg, I thought totally overstepping but we felt we had to let her after the strop about the wills. Example two - she told me I didn't love DH because I don't want to move to where he wants to move to. Example three - she invited herself to stay for the first week I went back to work, we said that was too much but why not come for part of the time and she threw her toys out of the pram. You get the idea. When we do see her she pretty much snatches DD off me as soon as we arrive. Because of all this and because I just have no time with a baby and a job, we don't see her as much and she thinks she is very hard done by.

I see a lot of my DM which I think makes MIL jealous, but I wouldn't accept this behaviour off my own DM either.

DH is not blind to her faults and generally backs me up on the bigger things but doesn't see everything the way I do and wants his mum to be happy, which is how it should be but not if what she needs to be happy is U! He is otherwise wonderful

I genuinely really want us all to have a good relationship with MIL and MIL to be an important person in DD's life, but I want MIL to accept that DD is our baby so we make the decisions and to respect that there are going to be times when we don't want her to stay. AIBU? And any tips on dealing with her?

Sorry OP, I should have said. YANBU. It is hard. But the situation is partly in your hands and if you plan to stay with this man, for your own sake, I would try to change your mindset. Think of EVERYTHING you like about MIL. (I love MIL's cooking and her willingness to look after and spoil DC). Maximise those aspects of your relationship. Think of all the flashpoints (MIL tries to take over in my house.) Minimise those aspects. Ie what I've arrived at in our situation is we go to her. I get to eat her delicious food, she is in control in her own house, and I sit back and behave as a guest. Or, DH takes DD out with her or to her, and I do my own thing, even if it's just the food shop in blissful peace. The advantage to being proactive is in a way, you get to set the terms. "Oh why don't we come to you for X weekend, then you can see DD and I can do some shopping for work clothes."

Crucially, when DMIL is looking after DC, you have to let her get on with it to a degree. My grandmother took me and my siblings to church every summer in Ireland. Virulently anti religion DM didn't bat an eyelid. Guess what, none of us has turned out Catholic...

Really hope that helps, it's hard I know, but you have to be the bigger person and try to let go of your jealousy re DH and DD. You will always be DD's mother. Nothing DMIL does or says will change that.

I disagree that the mil relationship has to be the same as DM. I'm about to have my first DC, and my DM is coming to stay to help me out after the birth. I wouldn't ask my mil to stay to help, as I don't feel the same about her, or feel comfortable with her here. The PIL are obviously welcome to come and see the baby shortly after the birth (provided everything goes as planned).

Oooh weird that you told her, she's hurt and clinging on. You need to try and have it out with her and give her reassurance some how. Otherwise relationship will become more bitter. I do think that she is been unreasonable now butnits obvious where it has come from. I'm sure you've learnt from this, don't discuss anything in your will.

"I disagree that the mil relationship has to be the same as DM."

I agree with that whilst Mum is recovering from childbirth and hormones etc, but once the that period is over then it should be equal, if you think that Mum and Dad are equal and consider the rights of the child involved.

It stops being about the Mum and the child is a separate person who should get equal chance to have a equal relationship with both Nan's.

Birds-no one's relationship with her mil is the same as that with her dm!If it were then that is a very negative comment on a mother/daughter bond.I know my dd likes and respects her mil but she loves and trusts me in a much deeper way.
I liked my own mil very much but it was a million miles away from my feelings for my own mum.

birds - you are correct in principal. However the big problem is with this ever ongoing equality battle between maternal MIL's and paternal MILs and time spent with grand kids is simply this:

if we assume and accept that it's natural for a woman (in most cases) to feel closer to her own mum than her MIL, then it's natural to assume that she is going to chat/socialise more with her mother than her MIL.

and ... while women are still the main carers of children in our society, it's going to be likely therefore that the mother of the mother often ends up seeing more of the GCs than the mother of the father.

It's not because the paternal MIL is being actively excluded.

It's important to recognise this situation for what it is - try to include your MIL as much as poss, and MILs - please try to understand.

(OP i wouldn't have told my MIL about the will thing. Maybe a way to heal this would be to change it to a couple from your own generation?)

You work full time so unable to see mil alot, yet see alot of your mum. You've also told her about your wills.

I think she feels very pushed out of your live's and quite hurt.

I actually don't think it was a mistake to tell the whole family about the arrangement. Honestly, your mil needs to grow up and speedily. She sounds like a insecure, self-centred and manipulative 'poor me' person. I think it is grossly disrespectful of her to even question you and your dh's decision on this as it is one of the biggest and toughest decisions parents have to make. She doesn't seem to see her son as a grown up man who makes his own decisions for the good of HIS OWN family.

Now it will be up to your dh to manage her behaviour but you need to also put your foot down on things that concern your young family. No way would I have allowed anybody to stay at 40 weeks pregant. [Shock]

The thing is once you have a second DC, things will probably hopefullyrelax a little. In my bitter experience the first grandchild triggers a small tsunami and all existing family hierarchies are toppled over.

Sometime the new grandparents have a hard time to let go of their 'status' and find it hard to accept that they are simply not calling all the shots anymore.

I understand why your mil was hurt, but I don't think either of you are being particularly unreasonable. I think you both just need to understand the other's position, draw a line and move on.

When we made our wills, we agreed that my DB and SiL would have our ds and any other children - my DM got the hump because SHE wanted my DS, but we explained our reasoning (wanting him brought up by people our age and not "old" people etc) and that didn't mean she wouldn't see him (especially as she sees my DN via DB and SiL anyway!) and my dad also calmed her down and it was fine. I think you do need to tell people so that there is no surprise, but you need to be prepared to deal with their feelings and justify your reasoning as well.

With regards the other bits, she was BU to say you didn't love your DH etc, but I suspect she just feels pushed out and this was her reaction. The other stuff is just her trying to be included, and I agree with the others who say that although the MiL/DiL relationship dynamic is different to that with your own mother, you and your DH need to make an effort to include her on a level playing field with her grandchildren, which will get easier as they get older and she is able to do more with them on her own.

My advice to you is to sit down with you MiL and have a proper chat about your feelings, and her feelings. You need to iron out problems like this early or it will snowball - I know this from experience. She needs to respect you and DH as the parents of the child, but equally, you need to respect her feelings as your DH's mother and grandmother to your DC. No matter if you are closer to your DM or not, your MiL should be able to have a similar relationship with your DC, as your DH's mother. But it does require your DH to be able to have uncomfortable conversations if she does overstep the mark, in the same way you would with your own mother.

With respect to all the DiL's, I often read these threads and feel sad for MiLs, as they seem to have to tread on eggshells in a way that the mother doesn't. I have a nightmare MiL, but whenever she upset me and DH, I would think first if it would have upset me if my own DM had done it. If the answer was no, that it wouldn't have upset me like that had it been my DM, then I knew I was being unreasonable. I think it's a good test to apply, and saved me a lot of heartache!

Good luck in sorting it out!

I must admit I don't quite get the why people say that the relationship with both sets of grandparents have to be exactly the same. I think that the gps who are more supportive, freely give their time and love (no strings attached iyswim) and are less demanding will naturally be a favourite. Sometimes that's the mother's parents but not necessarily so.

Why did you chose your parents over mil anyway? Did you explain your reasons rationally to her?

I actually find it of very bad taste when family arguments ensue over such a delicate issue, it's like the family that didn't get 'chosen' screams "mine mine, what about meeee?" Therefore not quite having the best interest of the dcs in mind. Very selfish indeed.

However, having re-read the op I wanted to say that you are are ur for calling your mil a monster. That's pretty harsh as, although she is overbearing and difficult, she wants to be part of your family. It is up to you and your dhb to act in a more mature way and include her more but with the necessary boundaries in place.

LadyEnglefield saddening! Why?

I didn't say I wouldn't ever communicate with BF DM just or that ill never share future childrens mile stones (thats quite a leap from what i wrote) but that Ill leave social arrangements to see her to him.
I'm sure they'll be times when I get in touch with her but quite frankly I refuse to become Social Secretary for our future family.
My BF has managed to maintain family relationships so far in his life, so i'll assume that post marriage and children he'll not lose that ability