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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never EVER allow mil to see my children again?

73 replies

Pandorassox · 31/08/2013 20:02

Long story short dh was severely abused by his mother and step father from a very early age.
When I first met mil and step father I thought they seemed ok, I would never have expected them to do that.
I eventually gave birth to my two sons and they have seen her quite a few times over the years but only with me present. Only a few years on when mil suggested having them alone did my dh tell me about the abuse.
I'm absolutely horrified and never want that woman anywhere near my children again Angry
Sil, aunts and uncles have being calling us up telling us it's all in the past and we can't deny mil access to her grandchildren.
I suppose some people would say iabu as I could be present when she sees the children but to be totally honest I can't bare the thought of even being in the same room as her after hearing what she did.
So what do you think? Aibu?

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDee · 31/08/2013 20:04

YANBU and it's nobody else's business but yours.

catgirl1976 · 31/08/2013 20:04

Totally understand how you feel

Does your DH want them to have contact with your children?

hettienne · 31/08/2013 20:04

What does your DH think?

SweepTheHalls · 31/08/2013 20:05

I think I would allow supervised contact if my DH wanted this to happen, but never ever ever a moment unsupervised.Good luck, an awful situation to be inWine

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 31/08/2013 20:05

What does your husband have to say? In this situation I really think it is his call. Not about the alone thing, NEVER put dc in danger, but seeing them. It is his story, his pain and his choice of how to deal.

I feel for you though. I understand more than anyone will know.

Elsiequadrille · 31/08/2013 20:06

Of course not. I would do exactly the same.

Sleepyhead33 · 31/08/2013 20:07

Of course not, Anyone with a history of abusing children (close family members) would be nowhere near my children-regardless of relationship.

Does your DH still want a relationship with them? Does he feel able to report it?

This must be very hard for you as well as your husband if you formed a bond with them without knowing about the abuse.

I can't believe that family members have actually called you to complain!

YADNBU

Standautocorrected · 31/08/2013 20:07

If you don't feel comfortable letting them be alone then don't.
There is no way I would allow unsupervised access in this situation.

Original poster
Pandorassox · 31/08/2013 20:07

Dh doesn't want her to have a relationship with the children at all but what I find rather peculiar is he would like to keep in contact with her. I know it's not my place to tell him different but I can't for the life of me understand why...

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 31/08/2013 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catgirl1976 · 31/08/2013 20:09

Then if you and your DH are agreed I think no contact with the DCs

I would allow some supervised contact if DH wanted it in this situation, but never, never alone. Given your DH doesn't want it - don't

hettienne · 31/08/2013 20:09

If your DH agrees with you, then definitely keep the children away from her - you/they don't owe her anything.

Lots of abused children keep in contact with their parents. They still love them. It's a complex thing.

ENormaSnob · 31/08/2013 20:09

Yanbu

BarbarianMum · 31/08/2013 20:09

Exactly this. He's already demonstrated his concern for his children's safety so talk to him about it.

Buggeritsraining · 31/08/2013 20:09

YANBU - people capable of this do not change underneath

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 31/08/2013 20:11

We will never fully understand why.... It is best to stop trying. It is a needless waste of energy you coukd be using just to support. (And to stop yourself ripping their f ing heads off)

Thurlow · 31/08/2013 20:15

YANBU.

In your situation, if your DH was insisting on some contact then I would probably agree to heavily supervised contact.

But if even he is happy with no contact, then no contact it is.

lunar1 · 31/08/2013 20:15

she wouldnt get any where my children.

lunar1 · 31/08/2013 20:15

anywhere near i mean!

redexpat · 31/08/2013 20:17

Children are most at risk of abuse from someone within their own family. This family has form. YANBU.

pianodoodle · 31/08/2013 20:18

You can deny MIL access regardless of what other family member say.

If their own son isn't happy for them to see his children there must be a bloody good reason so I'd go with him on this.

DownstairsMixUp · 31/08/2013 20:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 31/08/2013 20:23

Of course they don't change. They dont deserve ANYTHING but OPs DH has the right to be in control of this situation. A control he never had as a child. Someone else taking away his choices again could be damaging.

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2013 20:23

One thing I don't understand is why your DH didn't tell you at the outset so that MiL never had any contact with the children from the get-go.

I quite understand why you don't want them to see them now.

Casmama · 31/08/2013 20:23

Fuck that, your dh's decision is his own to make but there is no way that people with form for abusing children would be anywhere near mine.

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