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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To never EVER allow mil to see my children again?

73 replies

Pandorassox · 31/08/2013 20:02

Long story short dh was severely abused by his mother and step father from a very early age.
When I first met mil and step father I thought they seemed ok, I would never have expected them to do that.
I eventually gave birth to my two sons and they have seen her quite a few times over the years but only with me present. Only a few years on when mil suggested having them alone did my dh tell me about the abuse.
I'm absolutely horrified and never want that woman anywhere near my children again
Sil, aunts and uncles have being calling us up telling us it's all in the past and we can't deny mil access to her grandchildren.
I suppose some people would say iabu as I could be present when she sees the children but to be totally honest I can't bare the thought of even being in the same room as her after hearing what she did.
So what do you think? Aibu?

OP posts:

AndHarry · 31/08/2013 20:25

YANBU, absolutely not.

Evasmummy11 · 31/08/2013 20:26

It's never unreasonable to protect your children. If you really believe she is a danger then no I wouldn't let her have a relationship with them - and I think anyone who has abused a child, whatever timeframe, they don't deserve peoples trust ever again and rightly so.

YellowDinosaur · 31/08/2013 20:30

Dh was emotionally abused by his Dad as child. He wants our sons to have contact but with supervision. He only sees his Dad when it can't be avoided so the boys contact with fil is through me when fil asks (which he hasn't since last Christmas).

I agree with what others have said. Absolutely no unsupervised contact, supervised contact to be decided by your dh, although if your DC are old enough to have already formed a relationship with their grandparents for me it would depend a bit on whether the DC would miss them. It would also depend on the nature of the abuse - it would be very very hard for fil to abuse the boys in the way he abused dh because it is the protracted nature of bullying for years that harmed him. So even if they were briefly unsupervised he couldn't hurt then in this way. Physical or sexual abuse can happen once and cause harm so I'd be a lot more concerned about this, and a lot more vigilant about the supervision.

A horrible situation. Good luck in sorting it out. If you want to pm me as someone who is in a similar situation to you then feel free.

AFishWithoutABicycle · 31/08/2013 20:30

I just don't understand why he wants any contact.
I know the relationship between abused children and thier parents is complex could he benifit from therapy?

SoleSource · 31/08/2013 20:33

I think in that situation your DH has no say as he could still be in some way controlled by them, mentally/emotionally and /or could be easily persuaded when the cold hard truth is the children could be in danger from their continuing abuse. Thank God he sides with you.

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 31/08/2013 20:33

She would be nowhere near my child.

Perhaps phone calls every once in a while but honestly otherwise I wouldn't want any child abuser near my child.

It may be in the past but it's a very big thing isn't it. It's not like one time she screamed in his face when he was 16 because he was out late, or she forgot his birthday one year - these things canbe worked with but abuse? No, I am sorry.

CreatureRetorts · 31/08/2013 20:34

YANBU

Sorry to say this, but he cannot ever think clearly about this. He will be damaged by the fact that his own mother abused him and will have a conflict between the fact it's his mum versus her abuse. What happens if he softens and thinks contact is okay.

I think that giving MIL contact, supervised or not, validates her and the step fathers action.

No fucking way.

christinarossetti · 31/08/2013 20:35

Yes. This is something for you and your husband to work through together.

I have some personal experience of this type of situation (more your dh's experience) and my strategy is minimal supervised contact on my terms. I see myself as a sort of filter sifting out the crap but enabling my children to access any slight okayness there may be

I do understand your reaction. It's not as simple ad the abuse being in the past now, but where that leaves you all now.

Inertia · 31/08/2013 20:36

Of course you can cut all contact - and you absolutely should. You have to protect your children.

You should also notify any school / nursery the children attend that these people must have no contact.

Was there any police involvement following the abuse of your husband ?

BarbarianMum · 31/08/2013 20:37

Perhaps he feels traumatised and angry and humiliated and bitter and mixed up and possibly even ashamed about it? Which might make it quite difficult to talk about don't you think?

YellowDinosaur · 31/08/2013 20:41

By the way my response about contact being potentially ok IF supervised and wished by your dh is if the 2 of you think it's in your DC best interest and categorically NOT because your in laws have any rights whatsoever. I'm not saying it is in your children's interests - if they're still tiny then they won't have had a chance to form a relationship. If they're older this is a different layer of complexity...

LunaticFringe · 31/08/2013 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CreatureRetorts · 31/08/2013 20:45

Why should DCs have a relationship with abusers?

YellowDinosaur · 31/08/2013 20:52

The DC should have (supervised) contact if a) their father wishes it, which it seems he doesn't, and POTENTIALLY b) if the DC are old enough to have already formed a good relationship with their grandparents. Not because the grandparents wish it - they don't get the choice.

Imho, option b is only a consideration if the DC are old enough to be upset at contact being removed, and their parents judge that this upset is potentially more harmful to them than closely supervised contact.

CreatureRetorts · 31/08/2013 20:54

But (IMO and I am biased) the DH may not be able to truly think of this properly as he is the victim. So, IMO, a is not an option and b wouldn't be without a happening anyway.

YellowDinosaur · 31/08/2013 20:58

I totally understand the no contact argument. I don't entirely disagree and agree that as a victim he might not be able to be objective about this.

In my situation though, where dh was emotionally abused by his Dad, he wants our sons to have supervised contact. So I facilitate this so dh doesn't have to see his Dad more than essential. I judge that with what happened between dh and his Dad our sons are not at risk. So i'm happy with this.

This us why I've given another perspective

Original poster

Pandorassox · 31/08/2013 20:59

Is it true that she would succeed with gaining acess to my children through the courts?
This is a huge worry of mine as there would be no evidence of her ever abusing my dh.

OP posts:

YellowDinosaur · 31/08/2013 21:00

And I do think dh is able to be objective and make a reasoned decision about this. The op will be able to make her own judgement if her dh decides he wants contact between their DC and his parents.

If I thought the boys were at risk they wouldn't see fil.

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/08/2013 21:03

Pandora, it is extremely unlikely that she could get a court order for contact. Grandparents have no rights by law. YANBU.

SeaSickSal · 31/08/2013 21:13

Don't listen to what his relatives say. In my experience it's highly likely that these people will have known what was happening with your husband but brushed it under the carpet for a quiet life or have expected your husband just to take it to make life more convenient for everybody else.

Don't let them suck you into that way of thinking.

LunaticFringe · 31/08/2013 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

appletarts · 31/08/2013 21:41

A word of advice as I am in a similar situation, we see said relative very occasionally and children are never ever alone with her. BUT I realised that if we both died and left no proper instructions she could ask the legal guardians of our children if she could see them alone or even worse have them come to stay. SO I have put instruction in our will that our children are only to have supervised contact with her until they are 18 with legal guardians present. Once I realised she could have access to them over my dead body I put that straight. She is emotionally abusive, sometimes physically and is frankly dangerous.

appletarts · 31/08/2013 21:43

Oh and trust your instinct, it is never wrong

MistressDeeCee · 31/08/2013 21:46

OP you are protecting your children and I cant think of 1 reason to say YABU. I couldnt care less what adult family think about the situation, or what you ' should ' - your DCs safety is paramount and abusive scum deserve nothing. Thats all.

Famzilla · 31/08/2013 21:51

They have no rights to your children. Proof or no proof is irrelevant.

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