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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To never EVER allow mil to see my children again?

73 replies

Pandorassox · 31/08/2013 20:02

Long story short dh was severely abused by his mother and step father from a very early age.
When I first met mil and step father I thought they seemed ok, I would never have expected them to do that.
I eventually gave birth to my two sons and they have seen her quite a few times over the years but only with me present. Only a few years on when mil suggested having them alone did my dh tell me about the abuse.
I'm absolutely horrified and never want that woman anywhere near my children again
Sil, aunts and uncles have being calling us up telling us it's all in the past and we can't deny mil access to her grandchildren.
I suppose some people would say iabu as I could be present when she sees the children but to be totally honest I can't bare the thought of even being in the same room as her after hearing what she did.
So what do you think? Aibu?

OP posts:

teenagetantrums · 31/08/2013 21:57

This is really your DH fault why did he not tell you before he let them see the children. In your shoes I would just cut all contact, if you believe your DH why would you put your kids at risk?

Silverfoxballs · 31/08/2013 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CreatureRetorts · 31/08/2013 22:19

I find that strange YellowDinosaur. To me, it's like the FIL's behaviour is being "rewarded" and he's not really suffering huge consequences for his behaviour. Maybe I'm too harsh.

christinarossetti · 31/08/2013 22:49

No, it's absolutely not the Op's dh's fault at all teenage. It is not his fault that he was abused and it is not his fault that he is struggling to do the right thing by his children.

The long term effects of abuse by a family member or someone else close are complex. I don't see how the children are at risk if all contact is supervised.

Although I can understand that some people would choose not to have any contact in a situation like this, it's not the only way forward. Maybe you have to have had direct experience of this to truly understand the complexities of the issues involved.

BergholtStuttleyJohnson · 31/08/2013 22:55

I do not let my parents see my children but I do keep in contact with them myself (I rarely see them but I occasionally phone/text/email). I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother and sexually abused by my father. I wouldn't ever let them near my kids unsupervised. You are doing the right thing in supporting your partner.
I still have low contact with my parents (mainly just my father actually) because he did at least admit what he did, apologise and stop doing it before me or my sister had told anyone else about it. My mother will never change. I do still love my parents though, I lived with them for 19 hellish years and it's hard to just cut them off completely.

Turniptwirl · 31/08/2013 23:27

Yanbu at all to refuse contact alone. You would be crazy to let these people take your dc out of your sight

What does your husband want re supervises contact? I would say go with that

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/08/2013 23:27

Oh Berg I am so that you were abused by your parents. It' must be so hard when all you really want to do is love your parents but they've made it near impossible for you to do so. I just want to say that I respect your strength.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/08/2013 23:39

"Sil, aunts and uncles have being calling us up telling us it's all in the past and we can't deny mil access to her grandchildren."
Their entitled to their opinions, and you're entitled to tell them to shove them where the sun don't shine.

Although I might be more inclined, each time they called, to quiz them at length about what exactly it is that they believe is all in the past, what they knew about what was happening back then, and what they did about it then.

Oh, and you absolutely CAN deny her access to your children. She has no rights in the matter at all.

dysfunctionallynormal · 01/09/2013 03:07

That poor man! He's obv been bottling everything up for a long time. Ask him why. The fact that he threw caution to the wind when his parents asked for unsupervised contact and told you what they had done shows just how much he wants to protect his children from that.

You both need to discuss this one thoroughly. He most likely already knew that the rest of the family would try that 'it's all in the past' line. He prob got zero support from them re this whilst growing up too.

Sometimes we stay quiet so as not to 'rock the boat'. Sometimes because we feel no one would believe or support us anyway. Sometimes we stay silent becos we want the other (stronger) person to make the decision so we don't have to.

I feel for him,i really do. I won't ask for details about what they did,but if you feel that strongly then you are not being unreasonable. You might find that hubby has always been worried about how he would deal with this kind of situation. You might find he feels exactly like you do!!!

Good luck to u both xxx

creighton · 01/09/2013 07:53

It sounds like you need to protect your husband as well as your children from his 'family'. They all facilitated the abuse he experienced. Don't let any of them near your family.

Dackyduddles · 01/09/2013 08:01

Possibly just to know where she is. I have an uncle I like to know rough info about. It keeps him small human and old. Otherwise he's big looming and invincible.

Dackyduddles · 01/09/2013 08:02

Sorry the whole family know? That's strange. I'd def keep her out of house. I was expecting you to be first told....

Dackyduddles · 01/09/2013 08:03

No it's not true. But she could attempt. Unlikely though surely?

Original poster

Pandorassox · 01/09/2013 11:41

Fortunately ds's are only 4 and 2 so haven't really formed a bond with her. I am rather upset dh didn't tell me about the abuse sooner but I can understand it would be very difficult. It seems most of the family knew all these years but did nothing to help him
I will not be allowing any of them to see our children unless dh would like them to have highly supervised contact which I hope he doesn't

OP posts:

zipzap · 01/09/2013 16:48

You mentioned about worrying about courts providing access.

I don't know the ins and outs of the law, but given the way that the Jimmy Saville case has brought up lots of other cases that are being prosecuted years after the events, would your dp be up to talking to the police now, even if it doesn't get to court, so there would be something official on record about their being abusers?

I realise that this is probably a lot easier to say than to actually go through the horrendous trauma of doing, but it might be something to consider doing and actively deciding to not do, rather than not realising it is an option?

Solari · 01/09/2013 18:03

I can understand why your DH didn't tell you sooner, although I do empathise with your situation too, and it must seem very hard to understand why he's handled it the way he has.

However, having been chronically abused by my own father, I can tell you that it all gets mixed up with your natural feelings of love and 'can-do-no-wrong feelings' for your parents, and becomes very difficult to untangle when you're older.

One way out is to heavily compartmentalise everything that happened, so in your surface consciousness is your relationship with the parent you know and love. And somewhere in a twilight world (somewhere between sleep and awake) are all the buried memories of horrific abuse.

Its easier to keep all that knowledge buried away where you're not quite aware of it (like the way we put aside a bad dream when we wake up), but sharp moments of realisation (like your children being in danger) can bring it to the fore.

The family knowing and doing nothing about it, or even helping to cover it up, is all too common unfortunately.

catinabox · 01/09/2013 18:46

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1834674-AIBU-reasonable-to-be-concerned-about-perceptions-of-MIL-having-contact-with-our-chlld-some-upsetting-content

this was my post recently. similar issues but different perspective and i got some good practical advice about contact etc.

You must be in massive shock to hear that about your DH. It took me a really long time to come to terms with it and it's been tough finding a way through. Be gentle with yourself, get advice and keep talking with DH.

Primarily though i think the bottom line is that there ought to be no unspervised contact.

My DH when no contact with his family for quite some time and this helped him a lot.

HTH

catinabox · 01/09/2013 18:47

*went

ZillionChocolate · 01/09/2013 18:52

I would go to social services and seek their advice. Make sure the conversation is properly recorded (not word for word, but the nature of the discussions and the advice given).

There is evidence DH was abused, it's his account of it. If you're having any hassle from relatives via text/email, I would make reference to it and retain their responses in context.

DH needs to tell MiL no, and if she insists/makes any application to the court, he will no longer see her.

Arnie123 · 01/09/2013 19:11

No it is not just in the past. I made a decision to allow my son to have supervised access to my son when he was 9 months old. My son's crying annoyed him so much he said he was "going to put him in the road and let him crawl into the traffic". I handed him £20 told him that was his bus fare and piss off. I have never allowed him anywhere near my son again.

Arnie123 · 01/09/2013 19:11

Sorry not son I meant my father who severely abused me

Hulababy · 01/09/2013 19:36

I think it has to be your DH's call. It's his parents and the relationship needs to be dictated by what he feels is right for him, you and your children. However, saying this, even if the Dh did decide he wanted them to have contact - for me it would always be supervised access only.

appletarts · 01/09/2013 19:41

Never heard that more beautifully put Solari.

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