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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request XP come to me for DS?

53 replies

maidmarian2012 · 29/08/2013 11:50

XP and I split up 18 months ago. He has always maintained contact with our DS,3 weekly.
He lives 40 miles away. Until recently I have been meeting him in a city which is halfway between our houses. He is banned from driving for drink driving, so he also has to rely on public transport.
His mother has been meeting me also, as a favour to him. She has a car.
XP has never given me a penny for our DS. I have told him that I cannot afford to come to this city and meet him, as I don't think it's fair as I get no maintenance from him. I have not reported him to CSA. I have asked him for money in the past and the excuses are "I'm between jobs" and "I'm on the dole" repeat ad nauseum.
His DM (Who enables him to forever be "Between jobs) has just sent me a very guilt-trippy text saying how she is going to take things further etc and that XP cannot afford to come get DS.
However XP can most certainly afford cans of Stella.
Am I being unreasonable or should I stick to my guns. XP and his DM will not hear of it that he should pay maintenance, as I claim tax credits Hmm
By the way, he's 40.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 29/08/2013 11:53

Sounds like a charmer. I don't understand why you don't report him to CSA. Who cares what he/his DM say? They can hardly 'take things further' if they're not playing by the rules themselves.

jammiedonut · 29/08/2013 11:58

Why aren't you reporting him? Even when you are receiving maintenance that doesn't mean you have to pay for him to see his child by driving halfway every time! Ignore XP and DM with their empty threats, what exactly can she achieve by taking it further, you've done nothing wrong!

Original poster
maidmarian2012 · 29/08/2013 11:59

Pink thankyou for your reply. If I do report him to CSA he will stay permanently on the dole on purpose, and I would get nothing.
I would love to know what they actually mean by take things further.
His DM is essentially a very nice lady, excellent gran etc but will NOT SEE ANY WRONG IN HER SON. It infuriates me (and most of their family).
I'm made to feel grabby if I ask for any money. I would be satisfied with £15 a week, I don't want to bleed him dry, I am reasonable.
He is fucking bone idle and uses any excuse not to work.
Sorry for swearing.

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 29/08/2013 12:00

Stick to your guns. Twat.
Him not you obvs.

Original poster
maidmarian2012 · 29/08/2013 12:01

jammie yes, I wonder what they can achieve.
He actualy said a while ago he was going to get his solicitor to make me come meet him. Hmm

OP posts:
waltzingmathilda · 29/08/2013 12:03

I wouldnt be spending my money facilitating his behaviour. If he wants to maintain a relationship with his child he will do so - his mother will make sure of that.

But exactly WHY do these people know you claim tax credits?

liquidstate · 29/08/2013 12:03

YANBU - I think he needs to grow up. You must inform the CSA and make sure things are done properly. You wouldn't want your little one thinking that this was normal/acceptable behavior from the father.

And its not your problem that he lost his licence so stop driving to meet him halfway, it increases the costs and stress for you.

Original poster
maidmarian2012 · 29/08/2013 12:04

It perplexes me as to why a man of his age needs his mother's "Back". The things she doesnt bloody know about him....

OP posts:
MaxPepsi · 29/08/2013 12:04

Why did he move 40 miles away?

Original poster
maidmarian2012 · 29/08/2013 12:07

Waltzing he tried to claim Child Tax Credit fraudulently by saying he was Ds main carer. I went bloody crackers, they stopped my claim and I had to fill in all sorts of forms and wait ages for them to sort it. Thats how they know I get tax credits.
He caused me a Hell of a lot of financial problems.
He is ahighly qualified tradesman with the potential to earn a fortune but is downright lazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
maidmarian2012 · 29/08/2013 12:08

pepsi he moved 40 mile away to be with his DM, they live across road from each other in a small village.

OP posts:
Original poster
maidmarian2012 · 29/08/2013 12:09

She paid his rent for God knows how long, too. And paid his bond, which would have been a fortune in that area.

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 29/08/2013 12:15

Wow! He sounds delightful!

You are not being unreasonable!

CruCru · 29/08/2013 12:15

Please contact the CSA - the longer you leave this the harder your negotiations will become. If the CSA get involved, you can quite easily refuse to discuss maintenance as it is a matter between him and the CSA.

I know you say that he'll stay on the dole forever but frankly they won't let him (the dole people I mean). Even if all you get is £5 a week that is better than what you are getting now.

Re the visits - I would also stop meeting him in this halfway place as you will be setting a precedent (possibly) that may become hard to break. Also, presumably you work or will do at some point (I'm not sure how old your child is). In that case driving to this other place 3 times a week (or when your child is at school) will be impossible.

It may be worth contacting the Citizens Advice Bureau, who will tell you what you need to do. I think you can take him to court yourself to sort out contact but don't know for sure how this would happen.

I hope this is helpful.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/08/2013 12:15

I think I would reply this;
'Go ahead and take it further and by the way I'm contacting CSA'
And leave it at that.
You should NOT be driving to him for him to have access.

BrokenSunglasses · 29/08/2013 12:15

He's the one that moved away, it's his responsibility to meet the cost of seeing his child.

He sounds like a complete tosser.

But unfortunately, he is Dad to your ds, and your ds has a right to see him. In your position, I'd continue to make the journey for your sons sake, but I'd also start a claim through the CSA.

comingintomyown · 29/08/2013 12:25

God poor you being stuck with such a prick of an ex it just makes life so much harder.

In all honesty I dont know if I would contact the CSA , if he has no money then it will hassle for barely any money

How hilarious a threat from his DM , utter nonsense.

If you feel you want DS to have regular contact with his Dad then you will have to keep making this journey at your own cost.

lunar1 · 29/08/2013 12:35

I'd stop meeting them half way and I'd ring the CSa. What exactly is he going to do? Set mummy on you?

Original poster
maidmarian2012 · 29/08/2013 12:39

Thankyou very much everyone for your replies. It is a pain in the arse to have an awkward ex. I'm not an unreasonable person, or a bitch, I just live my life doing the best I can for DS.
XP also is accusing me of trying to make my partner DS's "New Dad". This is ridiculous, I would not play games with my child like that. My partner has 2 girls of his own, he adores my ds, but is not his new daddy.
I think I will contact CSA.

OP posts:
Original poster
maidmarian2012 · 29/08/2013 12:40

Will come back to this thread later, I have to go out.
Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
Original poster
maidmarian2012 · 29/08/2013 12:40

Grin set mummy on you.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 29/08/2013 12:44

all the time you enable him by doing as he wants he will continue to walk all over you.

There is no prize for not going to the CSA and you have nothing to lose by contacting them and putting in a claim.

Text back to his mum that if she is so concerned about her ds and dgs then can sort out the access for them both.

Hegsy · 29/08/2013 12:46

YANBU, agree time to involve CSA you say you'd be happy with £15 a week if hes claiming JSA you'll get £5 a week which is better than nothing just now. Do not facilitate him any further. Time for him to man up.

NotYoMomma · 29/08/2013 12:49

your argument of CSA = dole = no money is a bit bloody pointless if theend result is still no money surely Hmm

report him!

eatriskier · 29/08/2013 12:53

I think giving him 18m to sort himself out where you met him halfway was more than reasonable. It is also reasonable, after 18m to say I will not take the financial burden of this especially as you are not contributing to DS financially anyway. Its definitely time to get the csa involved as the last 18m should have shown you that an informal arrangement is not going to happen. If his DM is that bothered, she can drive the full way to pick up DS. Also, it was his choice to move. I'd say different if he were in hardship and had no choice but to move in with his DM, but he's living across the street from her. His choice to move that distance from DS.

Ignore his DM. If she carries on shut her down with a very short sharp 'i've given him 18m to get himself together which was more than fair' end of