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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Houseguest overstaying welcome!

69 replies

MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 16:26

I may very well BU here, I dunno. Stepson's friend (age 19) is over in Europe atm, he's from NZ but has a UK passport too. He was in Germany and his passport was about to expire so he made an appt to renew it here in London. We said it'd be fine for him to stay with us for a few days - this was last Thursday and although he has his new passport he's still here!! He is very polite and all but he doesn't get up till the afternoon (2.30 today), spends all his time on the internet and when he goes out he doesn't get back till late (sober though, so that's something) and doesn't respond to texts or calls.

He's just announced he is planning to go to the theatre tomorrow night. I asked when he'll be leaving as he has some friends in England he plans on visiting and he said maybe Friday!!! I'm recovering from an appendectomy and my DH is having a horrible time at work atm and tbh I just don't have the energy to cope. I feel like I can't even have a shower while he's in the house - not intimidated or anything, just it's a small house and he might see me in a towel. How can I kick him out nicely???

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 28/08/2013 16:30

Give him the number of the local youth hostel and wave him byebye.

Pawprint · 28/08/2013 16:34

I think you need to tell him that it isn't convenient. He's taking advantage of you. Surely there is somewhere else he can stay?

MaxPepsi · 28/08/2013 16:34

Ask him if he needs a lift to the train station on Friday morning.

Then if he doesn't get the hint, compile a list of jobs for him to do to help you out and wake him up in the morning.

If he questions it, just say, happy to have you stay here for a week, however now it's gone over that, holiday time is over and you have to live by our rules and it's x y & z

However if DH and DSS are not on board with you it might not be so easy.

HandMini · 28/08/2013 16:37

"we've loved having you to stay, but it's not convenient for us after Friday. Can we give you a lift to the station on Friday morning / the number of a youth hostel / a kick up the arse"

Enjoy your quiet home

Pennyacrossthehall · 28/08/2013 16:39

While the other responses are not unreasonable, I also suggest that you ask yourself:

If my (step)son was on the other side of the world, wouldn't it be nice of people to take him in?

Not indefinitely, obviously, but frankly at 19 he's just a (very large) kid in my eyes.

Lethologica · 28/08/2013 16:40

It really is as easy as telling him that he needs to leave by whenever suits you. No 'hints', no backhanded comments, just tell him. You can be polite but there is no need to apologise or make any excuses. I bet he won't mind and even if he does I wouldn't worry about it.

Hey, you are going to need somewhere else to stay as I need you out by Friday, let me know if you want any advice, thanks

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 16:42

DSS lives in NZ, and we were happy to take his friend in a for a few days while he's on the other side of the world - but he can't stay here forever! Yes, in many ways he's a kid but he's 19, not 9, and he's travelled quite a bit so he knows how to look after himself. It wouldn't be so bad if he actually responded to texts, helped out a bit around the place and didn't stay in bed half the day. We have a really small place and it's starting to feel a bit crowded...

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 28/08/2013 16:44

So this isn't even family? Just a friend of your dss?

He is taking the piss.

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 16:47

It's quite common for Kiwis traveling overseas to crash with family friends for a couple of nights, it's not a huge deal, but it's been nearly a week now, I'm on painkillers and cannot be entertaining!

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 28/08/2013 16:51

New Zealanders (and others) can tend to do this IME (I am one, but didn't do it myself). They come to the UK and crash (or "doss") wherever they can. The ones who do it are pretty thick skinned, hence the staying on for days on end, the staying in bed until 2.30, the failure to realise you are recovering from surgery and don't want people hanging around etc.

Tell him his time is up.

As for "wouldn't it be nice for people to take him in" - the OP has very kindly taken him in for a week which seems very generous to me.

Young people from NZ/Australia/SA know the score before they leave home for the big trip abroad - if he wants to stay on in London he needs to buck up, get a copy of TNT and find a dosser's place (ie sofa to sleep on - for which his fellow antipodeans will charge him) in an antipodean houseshare in Acton Town.

FondantNancy · 28/08/2013 16:52

He's old enough to look after himself! Sounds like he's a seasoned traveller, too. I was doing the same at his age.

He's had a lovely rest and a bit of downtime and now it's time to go.

If he won't take a hint can you say you're expecting other guests that need to use the spare room?

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 16:52

By not a huge deal I mean crashing somewhere for a couple of nights, not that it's not (now) becoming a big deal to me. Maybe I should propose charging him rent? Wink

OP posts:
FondantNancy · 28/08/2013 16:53

Yep, what Hellon said too. Couchsurfing is also excellent. That's free accommodation but probably not as cushy as yours - which he well knows!

HellonHeels · 28/08/2013 16:54

OP you ADNBU! Tell him to move on by Friday at latest. If he plans to visit family, he could pack and go tomorrow.

Don't feel bad about telling him - people like this rely on others' goodwill and lack of assertiveness. Don't let him take advantage.

mumblechum1 · 28/08/2013 16:55

I do sympathise but tbh would much rather an unwanted guest was in bed till 2.30 pm than hanging around under my feet!

Agree that you do need to say that it's inconvenient for him to stay any longer than Friday morning and you'll give him a lift to the station.

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 16:56

HellonHeels I might leave a copy of TNT open at the classified pages lying on the spare bed...

OP posts:
Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 16:59

...but no, I need to be assertive. Will talk to DH when he gets home and we'll talk to him together. DH is at work all day so more tolerant, he also feels he's somehow helping his son by helping this kid and being 12,000 miles away he does sometimes feel guilty that he doesn't do enough!

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 28/08/2013 17:04

Hmmm, i offered a friend a room for a few weeks, and she stayed 9 months! I was expecting and gave birth to DD3 during her stay and she didn't lift a finger!

Anyway - hopefully your lodger will stick to the Friday plan for moving out OP. 19 is old enough - but still young.

I would be thanking my starts he stays in bed till the pm too. Nothing wrong with asking him for an actual date for his plan to move out. If it would make you feel more comfortable say you want to decorate the room/have a friend waiting to come to stay.

fluffyraggies · 28/08/2013 17:06

starts? stars

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 17:12

9 months?! I'm worried now! That must've been a real pain. Tbh I will probably have brained him with an empty wine bottle/tossed him out in the street long before then!

OP posts:
tharsheblows · 28/08/2013 17:12

Oh, he's only 19 - definitely old enough to take care of himself but still a bit too young to know that he's really imposing and still too clueless to take even huge hints. Just tell him that he needs to leave; it'll be fine.

Eg: James, you can stay until tomorrow but after that you will need to find somewhere else. We've enjoyed having you!

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 17:16

Hm, so drugging him with my painkillers then putting him in a cab to the station isn't really an option then! (I am of course joking - I need the painkillers)

OP posts:
tharsheblows · 28/08/2013 17:21
Grin

I'd start whatever you do with the idea that he doesn't know he's overstaying his welcome. So you should probably tell him.

This isn't to say he's not a user, but go for the easiest thing first. If he says he needs to stay for whatever reason, just say "We'll have to talk about it first." (we=you and your husband) and regroup before you have that discussion.

firesidechat · 28/08/2013 17:28

MY husband is having regular cancer treatment and our daughter's boyfriend stays very often when she is home from uni. He is very nice and very polite, but his body clock sounds a bit like your guests ie don't really see him before midday. Whenever my husband is recovery from an op we just have a quiet word with our daughter and say that it's not really convenient for bf to stay. No one wants to be suffering in front of a relative stranger (more of a stranger in your case than in mine).

My point is that your guest isn't even family or someone you know well and it is perfectly ok to let him know that enough is enough. Does he pay any money for food etc?

I also understand what you mean about your house not being your own when someone is staying with you. Daughter's bf is lovely, but I can't lounge around in my pjs of an evening or all the other things that you take for granted.

Floggingmolly · 28/08/2013 17:35

He's 19, and on the other side of the world. I'd like to think someone would be nice enough to do this for my kids if the need arose.
I could be wrong, but you're only offering him a bed, right? Not providing the full hotel service?
If he's eating you out of house and home I'd probably expect a contribution, but otherwise? What harm is he doing sleeping in your spare room?

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