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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Houseguest overstaying welcome!

69 replies

MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 16:26

I may very well BU here, I dunno. Stepson's friend (age 19) is over in Europe atm, he's from NZ but has a UK passport too. He was in Germany and his passport was about to expire so he made an appt to renew it here in London. We said it'd be fine for him to stay with us for a few days - this was last Thursday and although he has his new passport he's still here!! He is very polite and all but he doesn't get up till the afternoon (2.30 today), spends all his time on the internet and when he goes out he doesn't get back till late (sober though, so that's something) and doesn't respond to texts or calls.

He's just announced he is planning to go to the theatre tomorrow night. I asked when he'll be leaving as he has some friends in England he plans on visiting and he said maybe Friday!!! I'm recovering from an appendectomy and my DH is having a horrible time at work atm and tbh I just don't have the energy to cope. I feel like I can't even have a shower while he's in the house - not intimidated or anything, just it's a small house and he might see me in a towel. How can I kick him out nicely???

OP posts:

silkboots · 28/08/2013 23:30

My grandmother taught me that fish and friends last for three days !

Monty27 · 28/08/2013 23:37

I couldn't chuck him out, he's only young :( and I would think if it was my ds blah blah, but I would read him the riot act, and DSS! Hope you feel better soon too.

Toadinthehole · 28/08/2013 23:46

It might even be kinder to ask him to go on Fri despite your DH's wishes.

Quite possibly he has no idea his presence is a nuisance and would be mortified to find out.

Lethologica · 28/08/2013 23:55

If you can't get rid of him tell him politely that you want him out the house in the daytime. Also give him some proper chores such as digging the garden or a bit of decorating. You could also ask him to do some more shopping and not give him the money

What about turning off the Internet

Monty27 · 28/08/2013 23:55

Yep, I reckon he'd be mortified too. :( Poor kid. And I know a lot will say he's an adult, but he's a very young adult, and dss invited him so.....

chattychattyboomba · 29/08/2013 00:04

I would tell step son he needs to talk to his friend about his arrangements. 1) It will be less intimidating from him and 2) he will be able to be more open with his friend.
It may be a case that this young guy genuinely doesn't know he was only originally meant to stay a few days (is this what step son told you or his friend?)

HansieMom · 29/08/2013 00:42

Let's see, it's you who is recovering from appendectomy, right? Not your husband.

Original poster

MinesaBottle · 29/08/2013 01:31

It was meant to be until he got his passport. Then he wanted to meet up with a couple of people he knew who were in London for the weekend. Then it was the bank holiday. You get the picture...

Anyway, I have just come into the living room as am pissed off and in pain, he was still up using our wifi on his laptop and watching tv. I told him I wasn't feeling well and needed the room; at first he was all 'well, don't let me get in your way', I said I wouldn't, switched off the tv and told him I have to be out in the morning (true) so he should get some sleep in order to get up and out. I wouldn't say I don't trust him but I don't feel comfortable leaving a virtual stranger alone in my house. Now I've been a bit more assertive I feel better about telling him to leave - also DH has come round and agreed to talk to him tomorrow about fucking off on Friday.

OP posts:

Kiwiinkits · 29/08/2013 03:56

I'm a kiwi. Just tell him that you've loved having him, he's a lovely boy, but you'd like him out by Friday (and can you drop him at the station). Or just tell him he's taking the piss and his dad said that if he started taking the piss you were on strict instructions to kick him out. He'll understand both versions.

Kiwiinkits · 29/08/2013 03:57

P.S I might know the kid. Could very well be a son of my friend. Fits your description exactly. It's a small world (especially for NZers)

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 29/08/2013 09:57

Just out of interest OP, you say your DH isn't bothered by this lad over staying because he doesn't feel he does enough for his own kids - can I ask what he's doing for this one? Because he's out at work all day and as you are recovering from an appendectomy, am guessing you're at home? So do forgive me if I have got the wrong end of the stick, but isn't your DH actually saying "I don't mind him staying because you're doing all the running around after him anyway"! Maybe you need to gently remind your DH that you are in fact trying to recover from surgery, and as you are doing the running around after the boy, his overstaying is bothering you.

Incidentally, I do agree that the lad is probably being thoughtless rather than actively freeloading (I know the consequences of my actions on other people wouldn't have occurred to me at all at that age!) and am sure he wouldn't mind if you said to him that he needs to make plans to move as you aren't very well need your own space to get well again. And if he doesn't like it - tough titties!

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 29/08/2013 09:59

Ach OP - where's the delete button < posting trigger finger strikes again> Just seen your update and that your DH is behind you now - Hoorah! Please forget me sticking my oar in...

Hope you get better soon btw x

YouTheCat · 29/08/2013 11:00

Kiwi, he could be coming to you next!

SarahBumBarer · 29/08/2013 11:19

If you can't face "time for you to go now" conversation just tell him you have family coming to stay and you need his room.

springytoffy · 29/08/2013 11:30

I think I did this when I was young. I stayed with my boyf's family on the south coast somewhere. After a week his mum said 'It's been lovely having you, I'm off to work now but just wanted to say goodbye as you're leaving today' and I said 'oh no, I'm not leaving today'. I faintly remember an atmosphere but I didn't understand it so dismissed it. I didn't even say when I'd be leaving

It's his age. he probably thinks that because he's not around much he's no bother. He will think electricity grows on trees. He's probably used to crashing with mates who wouldn't notice one extra bod, but we feel differently when we're old it's our home.

Be kindly - egos can be so fragile at that age - and tell him you've really enjoyed his stay but you need the room on Friday. It's ok to lie. Take him to the station, be lovely and giving - it's ok to believe your lie about yourself and you never know when you may need him/his family at a future date. He may become an eminent surgeon or something and you can say ah yes we know him, actually, he stayed with us back in 2013 when he was a lovely young man, no bother

specialsubject · 29/08/2013 12:06

tell it like it is, in straightforward terms. He has plenty of options: hostels, airbnb, short-term couchsurfing or one of his mates.

Original poster

MinesaBottle · 29/08/2013 12:29

Well just to update you we spoke to him this morning and he is currently calling friends to see if he can stay with them. He is out tomorrow whether or not he has something sorted!! Thanks for the advice and letting me vent!

Kiwi - if he does turn up on your doorstep, do remind him that milk, butter and jam don't magically put themselves away

OP posts:

HellonHeels · 29/08/2013 12:59

Good!

Well done. Show him where the vacuum and cleaning stuff is so he can clean the room for you; tell him to strip the bed and put the bedding in the wash.

"I know you'll be wanting to clean up for us before you go, the vacuum is in that cupboard. Make sure you do under the bed! "

Lethologica · 29/08/2013 14:56

Well done. Hopefully, he will present you with a lovely thankyou present.

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