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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Houseguest overstaying welcome!

69 replies

MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 16:26

I may very well BU here, I dunno. Stepson's friend (age 19) is over in Europe atm, he's from NZ but has a UK passport too. He was in Germany and his passport was about to expire so he made an appt to renew it here in London. We said it'd be fine for him to stay with us for a few days - this was last Thursday and although he has his new passport he's still here!! He is very polite and all but he doesn't get up till the afternoon (2.30 today), spends all his time on the internet and when he goes out he doesn't get back till late (sober though, so that's something) and doesn't respond to texts or calls.

He's just announced he is planning to go to the theatre tomorrow night. I asked when he'll be leaving as he has some friends in England he plans on visiting and he said maybe Friday!!! I'm recovering from an appendectomy and my DH is having a horrible time at work atm and tbh I just don't have the energy to cope. I feel like I can't even have a shower while he's in the house - not intimidated or anything, just it's a small house and he might see me in a towel. How can I kick him out nicely???

OP posts:
Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 18:13

No he hasn't given us any money, he hasn't done a lot tbh but I put that down to being 19 rather than laziness! He has gone to the shop for me a couple of times as I can't walk very far yet. He's perfectly pleasant but - he's 19, despite having travelled a bit he still lives with his parents and I would put it down to obliviousness as you say.

If it was my DSS or DSD they could stay as long as they liked but they're family and I have no qualms about telling them off!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 18:18

Floggingmolly we are feeding him and I've done laundry for him - I know he's on the other side of the world but he does have friends in the UK so we are not the only people he knows here. His dad called at the weekend to check on him and told me not to let him take the piss (those were his words - I love Kiwi bluntness Grin) but as it's been nearly a week I fear he may be starting to!

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FondantNancy · 28/08/2013 18:19

"He's 19, and on the other side of the world. I'd like to think someone would be nice enough to do this for my kids if the need arose."

She HAS put him up, and has done so for a week! I'd hope my kids would have enough nous to know when they'd outstayed their welcome and enough smarts to find somewhere else to sleep.

Lethologica · 28/08/2013 18:23

All this agonising...Confused . Just tell him! It's fine.

I don't understand why it would be a problem. It's not rude or mean.

DO IT NOW.

go on, I dare you

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 18:26

I am having wine (on a break from normal painkillers) and will talk to him tomorrow as he has just had a call from a friend and simply has to go out. FFS. If this is what it's like having teenagers then a) count me out and b) I'm really sorry Mum and Dad.

OP posts:
cantspel · 28/08/2013 18:30

If he goes on friday then he has only spent 8 days with you. I cant believe that spending 8 days with your dad for when you live the other side of the world is excessive.

bigTillyMint · 28/08/2013 18:33

Oh how I laughed when I saw he was a Kiwi. Tis to be expected! DH was brought up in NZ, so we have had direct experience of friends and friends of friends.

Be blunt. Tell him that you are not feeling great, etc but that you are happy (Wink) for him to stay till Friday, but only if he respects your house rules, which are... or go and stay elsewhere. He is only 19 he won't have a clue that he is in your waySmile

cantspel · 28/08/2013 18:33

whoops friend not son but still 8 days is not alot and if he is asleep most of the day he is hardly getting in the way. Give him until friday and if he doesn't go like he says then say something.

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 18:35

It's not if he is your dad but this is a friend of my DSS who we've only met once before. If it was DSS he could stay forever as he's fantastic and lovely but this is a virtual stranger who is unrelated. I'm glad we could help him out while he got his passport sorted but he did that last Friday and doesn't need to still be here

I'm tempted to call DSS as he'd set him straight but I don't want to upset him, plus I need to be bloody assertive!!

OP posts:
DaBump · 28/08/2013 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xmasbaby11 · 28/08/2013 18:36

I'd be ashamed if my 19yo was taking advantage of someone's hospitality. He's got friends, he speaks the language, he's taking the piss.

Patosshades · 28/08/2013 18:36

This guy is no relation to the OP, its a favour to her stepsons friend. Grab the bull by the horns and out Friday no matter what "urgent" business he has.

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 18:38

sorry cantspel cross-posted! Well at least he's had some fun in London and his parents are reassured he's ok - if it was DSS or DSD that'd be all I could ask for too. But despite the slight mellowing provided by wine he does need to go on Friday!!!

OP posts:
Saffyz · 28/08/2013 18:38

Say you have a family of eight coming to stay for the weekend so you'll be needing the space on Friday. And if you have to, phone the youth hostel yourself and put his name down for a couple of nights.

PuppyMonkey · 28/08/2013 18:39

Well, if it was me, I'd get in there and strip the bed and stuff. Like, now.

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 18:42

Hmm, he's just gone out so that's not a bad idea - leave a few bin bags in the street? Grin

Who am i kidding, I couldn't do that, the thing is I am British and soft and keep thinking that if it was one of my DSC I'd want to know he was safe and ok, on the other hand his dad did tell me not to let him take advantage!

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Lethologica · 28/08/2013 18:43

...but I don't understand why you think it would 'upset' him. He may be dissapointed because he has had a cushy week but I don't see why you are treating him like a delicate sensitive snowflake. Grin

Grab him before he goes out. It would take a few SECONDS.

I have teens, they are not always thoughtful.

(Ps, even if you did 'upset' himyou will probably never ever see him again)

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 18:51

This is true. Right, I'm kicking in the spare bedroom door at 9am sharp tomorrow. If I don't make it plain to him he'll stay forever - you're right, he's 19 and I would've probably been the same at his age.

OP posts:
Lampshadeofdoom · 28/08/2013 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuckwittery · 28/08/2013 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 23:10

Well that was a let down. Talked to DH and he couldn't understand what I was annoyed about and, as I thought, said he couldn't kick out a friend of his son. It's the absent fathet guilt kicking in. I pointed out that if it was DSS he'd be welcome to stay forever (and tbh DSS would be annoyed at the situation) but he's at work all day, doesn't do the cooking or housework so all he has to do is come home and chat.

I'm going to have to start digging a grave in the garden aren't I! I'm happy to tell him to go but I don't want to deal with DH - he pointed out he used to have his dcs' friends staying over but that was for one night sleepovers when they were little!

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Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 23:11

Father not fathet, why didn't my phone pick that one up?!

OP posts:
Toadinthehole · 28/08/2013 23:18

British expat in NZ here.

Tell him pleasantly that he is welcome to stay til Friday but no longer. By NZ standards that is perfectly polite.

Don't drop hints instead. That is considered rude, and might not be noticed anyway.

What to the British is polite indirectness can appear insinuating to people not from Britain.

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 28/08/2013 23:20

I am planning to do so tomorrow morning but DH doesn't agree. He thinks he doesn't do enough for his kids so feels like this is somehow compensating

OP posts:
Toadinthehole · 28/08/2013 23:28

Sorry, missed your post.

Bad luck.

Give him chores perhaps (again, direct but pkeasantly).

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