To not leave my newborn baby to cry?

[Faith48]

DS2 was born 8 days ago and DS1 is 2 years old.

DS2 is breastfed on demand and can have moments where he will not settle without a feed, this can go on for hours. Obviously I am interacting with DS1 as much as I possibly can while DS2 sleeps, I've tried to get him involved in things like nappy changes but he is very cautious about going near DS2 and he wouldn't even go near me when I came home from hospital (this is improving).

I have been advised that DS2 is using me as a 'Dummy' and to leave him to cry as he will sort himself out. This sounds absurd to me and I would never leave a newborn baby to cry as I cannot see how he is doing it 'for attention' when he is so young.

I get loads of 'I left mine to cry and they are fine' comments and as much as I tell everyone that I am not comfortable leaving DS2 to cry they are not stopping.

So AIBU? And am I doing wrong by DS1?

I've become very emotional about this and I can't help but feel sorry for DS1 as he does have to entertain himself quite a lot nowadays. I adore DS2 and I am enjoying him so much and I love breastfeeding (I couldn't do it with DS1) so I need some opinions on if I am doing the right thing by my children because others don't seem to think so.

Have no advice am in exactly the same situation. Ds1 is nearly 2 and ds2 is 3 days old bf. Feel really guilty at times for changing ds1's whole world and not spending enoygh time with him.

Please give yourself a break - you've got an 8-day-old baby, which is incredibly tough physically and emotionally! DS1 will be absolutely fine and you just need to do whatever you have to to get through the days (and nights). I've never left any of mine to cry - it feels totally against nature - and not only are they developing into reasonable human beings (mostly ), but their older siblings bear no lasting scars It will all be fine

And get used to the feelings of guilt - these are the lasting scars of motherhood

You are doing the right thing completely. You are establishing breast feeding and that takes time. That needs to be a priority for some time yet. There will be times when you have to leave one or other to cry while attending to needs of the sibling, or indeed yourself. Please do not make yourself ill trying to keep everyone happy as it is impossible, and utterly exhausting. Also give cuddles to the baby just for the sake of cuddles, not just for feeds.

I am up with my ill baby, my third, age 10 months. With my second child I just fed her and plonked her down to pander to the needs of my eldest as I thought I had ruined her life by having another. My middle child is not cuddly at all now, except when ill, and is fiercely independent. My eldest still thinks everything is unfair. I missed out on cuddles with my middle child, and still ended up exhausted and feeling like a failure.

With my third, I have lavished love on him. Thankfully with the third the other two have each other to play or fight with, and they are used to having to share me and wait. Unfortunately my third does not keep well so I am often exhausted through lack of sleep. Mummy guilt never ends

So, in a nut shell, you are doing fab, your eldest will get used to this in time, and it is your baby so do what you feel is right.

Have you any help? Poor you. I wouldn't ever leave a newborn cry. Your DS1 will be fine and you'll be able to include him more over the next couple of weeks as thinhs settle down. Dont forget the hormones ranging in you right now.

Hi yes, I am in the same boat here. DS is being such a good little boy as well and it has been hard when I seem to spend all my days sitting about BF my DD whilst he has to entertain himself. Occasionally he has been upset that I can't play with him like I used to.

I also feel guilty for DD who will get nowhere near the same amount of attention as DS had as a baby. I just remind myself it's all part of being a family and kids are more resilient than we probably realise.

OP you know you are doing the right thing, I've had the dummy comments too but just ignore them. Your Ds2 is so young and the BF will start to calm down.

Dd is 5mths now and loves to lie on the floor and watch Ds and I play together or we all sit and read a book. She is no longer a skinny little creature (to my ds eyes) but a pudgy little baby who he loves to make laugh. She is all smiles for him and they adore each other for now

babycalm.wordpress.com/2012/07/06/the-fourth-trimester-aka-why-your-newborn-is-only-happy-in-your-arms-30/#comment-2232

I got these comments too.
Ignore!
If your little baby cries they need you! You are still establishing Breastfeeding, so you need to feed on demand still. Nipple sucking, even if not swallowing, is a bf signal to your body and its comforting for baby.

Have you got any help looking after No1 child? Do not feel guilty for cuddling your newborn.

The people telling you to put baby down are probably from a different era. They weren't allowed the time to bond, bf was 'feed & put down & go and do some housework'
You don't have to do this. And be aware they might be jealous you don't have to do this & by telling you to copy them it makes them feel better.

'Using you as a dummy' utter nonsense. It's the other way around- a dummy is a fake nipple. Your baby has the real thing, plus milk & mummy cuddles. Bliss for your baby!

Do what feels right to you - you are the expert (although you might not feel as if you are!) FWIW I would not leave a tiny baby to cry either.

Your older son will soon come round to the idea of a little brother. Invite him for group cuddles while you are breast-feeding. When they are little it is even possible to walk around with a baby at the breast (if you have to) so your first born doesn't need to entertain himself all the time. But imo, it's good for even a small child to be able to find things for himself to do from time to time.

Why do people who have second children feel guilty about the first? You are giving your older child a precious sibling, someone to love and cherish all their lives, long after you have gone to higher things! See if you can get him to think of his little brother as a great big present, someone who is his as well as yours.

Good luck in this very special time of your lives!

OP you are doing a great job. Please, please don't leave your NB to cry. I used to feed DS while DD cuddled up to me to and I read her a story and we had a chat.

It is still very early days, it will work out, carry on doing a great job

Good lord, where are you hanging out that you've had all these comments by 8 days?! And leaving him to play alone a lot 'nowadays'????

You've just had a baby. Congratulations. Lock yourself in your house and establish your own wee cocoon. You can open yourself up for criticism when you're ready, no need to do it now, and no need to criticise yourself if noone else is doing it.

Younger siblings teach older siblings patience. And soon enough, you'll be opening the door to the milkman, building a Lego house, and making play doh sausages, all with the wee one still latched on. In the meantime, sit on your butt and eat chocolate, and get someone to pass you another magazine and a cup of tea. Oh, and a rice cake for your firstborn.

There is an amazing book called what every parent needs to know and it explains why you shouldn't leave a baby to cry for any length of time a little grizzle fine but I'd never endorse cc

You are doing your best it will eventually even itself out

YANBU. Baby has been inside, warm and "held" for nine months. He's 8 days old. He's tiny. Give him whatever he wants and keep trying to interact with DS1.

Ignore the "I did x" brigade, your child, your rules/way. They had their time.

FWIW I just had DC2 last month and she's barely left my arms.

Ignore them because they are clearly ignorant. t 8 days your baby is not using you as a dummy, he is building up your supply. Anyone with the slightest knowledge of breastfeeding can back you up on that.

Anyone who leaves an 8 day old to cry is a twat. You're doing the right thing completely. Aside from anything else I don't know how people can handle the stress of ignoring a crying baby, I have to pick DD up or the noise would make me smash my head through a window.

You are right. I was the same a few months ago ds2 is now 3 months old and I still wouldn't leave him to cry.

I got this too with DD1 when she was a newborn. I was chatting to a neighbour out the back and she started crying so I turned to go in and she said "you're not supposed to go straight away you know!"..whatever!

Do what feels right and for me going to a newborn is natural instinct!

I did start using a dummy for a couple of months when she was a few weeks old as she really did want to bf non-stop and it was a life saver.

Sounds like you're doing everything really well anyway - there's always something to feel guilty about so don't worry!

Ds3 was 23 months when ds4 was born. There were times when ds4 had to cry when I was doing something with ds3 like nappy change finishing off his dinner etc but no I wouldn't just leave him to cio.

It does get easier, I think the first 8 weeks establising bf were the hardest and then he settled down

I also prepared dinner for the other dcs during the day or cooked it in between feeds and warmed it up later.

The slow cooker was my best friend for a while.

YANBU at all!

I cannot get my head round people who are callous enough to suggest you let a newborn cry :( TBH I don't like letting any age of baby cry :)

I agree about a sling. I got a stretchy wrap when my second was a few weeks old and it made such a difference. The wee one would snooze away happily and I could do stuff with my nearly 3 year old - even change his nappy without screaming as a soundtrack when i put the baby down!

DS1 would see DS2 getting upset and tell me to either give him some milk or "mummy, put him in the slime" (aka sling )

I think it is hard to keep them both happy but I think you are right to not let a wee baby cry.

Congratulations!

Dd2 is now 7mths. Born end jan. first 6wks was hard feeling guilty & establishing feeding and routines all shot to pieces.

Over in hindsight a relatively short amount of time each one sorted out. All should feel more in control by 6-8wks docs apps. Next milestone was 12 wks. Once you start getting your stride on and confidence back it starts to work. I was also elcs so this could be faster if good natural birth.

I agree, don't leave baby to cry.

Same here V18 month old end 2 week old xx

Unfortunatly mine didn't like the sling

He is enabling his milk supply - using you as a dummy is balloney at this age, he's never heard of a dummy, he is doing exactly what he is supposed to do.

was it a HV who gave you this shoddy advice? There are more than you think out there who still subscribe to Truby King and all that shite.

You're doing great. It will all come together x

It sounds like you're following your instincts perfectly. When my second child was that age my eldest who was 3 was still in full time nursery for the first month, so he got loads of attention given whilst I could focus on the feeding.

There is every chance that he is using you as a dummy, and there's nothing wrong with that (words of the breastfeeding specialist midwife), he is after all new to the world and i can imagine is very scared of everything thats new. I would urge you though to be careful. I had traumatised nipples with DS2 and the constant feeding didnt help me to recover. At day 7 I was admitted into A and E with extreme mastitis. After I came out of hospital he started going to bed beautifully but when he woke for his 1am feed he would use me as a dummy, fall asleep on me and every time I tried to put him down he would wake and scream. This would go on for three or more hours every night. Husband and I turned into emotional wrecks. At 7 weeks (after breastfeeding was established) we introduced a dummy (!!!!)which helped son to settle himself. He used it for 10 minutes after his 1pm feed for about 2 weeks and never needed it again.

Regarding DS1, its a tough juggling act, but he needs to be quite central. Any activities you can do whilst feeding would be good. stories, special DVDs, sticker books, etc etc. Can you get a basket filled with toys and other items and play shop keeper at your feet? Also, will DS2 settle any other way? Could you take them both on a walk, and end up at the park? DS 2 hopefully asleep.

You'll all find your feet soon, good luck.