To not leave my newborn baby to cry?

[Faith48]

DS2 was born 8 days ago and DS1 is 2 years old.

DS2 is breastfed on demand and can have moments where he will not settle without a feed, this can go on for hours. Obviously I am interacting with DS1 as much as I possibly can while DS2 sleeps, I've tried to get him involved in things like nappy changes but he is very cautious about going near DS2 and he wouldn't even go near me when I came home from hospital (this is improving).

I have been advised that DS2 is using me as a 'Dummy' and to leave him to cry as he will sort himself out. This sounds absurd to me and I would never leave a newborn baby to cry as I cannot see how he is doing it 'for attention' when he is so young.

I get loads of 'I left mine to cry and they are fine' comments and as much as I tell everyone that I am not comfortable leaving DS2 to cry they are not stopping.

So AIBU? And am I doing wrong by DS1?

I've become very emotional about this and I can't help but feel sorry for DS1 as he does have to entertain himself quite a lot nowadays. I adore DS2 and I am enjoying him so much and I love breastfeeding (I couldn't do it with DS1) so I need some opinions on if I am doing the right thing by my children because others don't seem to think so.

that should be 'lower yourself and others expectations'

You're doing great. Can I just chime in with my broken record comment on these threads....

Do not breast feed a newborn in the sling

I know you haven't mentioned it, but some one often does suggest it as a solution. They can't turn their head, you can't see their face well enough. My DC3 was technically dead and revived by ambulance crew when he choked on breastmilk in the sling and I didn't realise. I was trying to entertain the older 2 with a day out...

On the children's ward in the hospital, we were told that this is not uncommon and the deaths are recorded as SIDS, but were actually choking. Be vigilant with sling use - again I'm not trying to scare you, but it isn't an alternative feeding option at this age.

It's a really short time to prioritise the newborn and your DS1 will not be scarred by this even if he is miffed at the moment.

Obsessive lecture over....

My first 2 are 15 months apart, and one really successful thing I tried was giving my eldest a dolly baby. She joined in everything I did with the baby. Breastfeeding the dolly under her top, changing a nappy (give them a little stack of real ones - they're only pennies and it was a distracting activity for her to change dolly from start to finish), pushing around in a pushchair, "reading" dolly a book. It made her feel like looking after babies was something we were doing together, rather than something I did which excluded her.

When all else fails, bring the laptop into bed and watch beebies together whilst you baby moon. It wont cause any lasting damage if it's a temporary solution

Congratulations on your snuggly baby!

Sounds like you're doing a super job so give yourself a break. SF used me as dummy and it did make it difficult to settle her without bf later on so I swore I wouldn't do the same again.
Its so hard though, leaving a newborn to cry. IME out felt unnatural so I became a dummy once more for DS. you gotta do what you gotta do.
Incidentally both my DCs settle brilliantly now. No harm done x

Hi

Agree with all the other posters above that it is not unreasonable to not want to leave a NB to cry and 'using you as a dummy' is normal and desirable behavior in a tiny baby who is being BF.

I am in the same position as you about 5 months down the line; this time around I could really see the benefits of being the primary care giver for a tiny baby "darling I cannot deal with our crazy tantruming DS1 right now; I have to sit on this sofa for 3 hours cuddling and feeding DS2, Over to you honey ; pass the remote..."

Just to add something that took me a stupidly long time to realise - sometimes babies cry because they are tired . I thought I had to somehow do something to get them to sleep and that I had to act on all cries - took me a while to understand that as long as the baby was fed, clean and not in pain with eg wind , she just needed the opportunity to go to sleep without me trying to rush the falling asleep process.

Oh also - at eight days old they spend a lot of time sucking because they're stimulating / establishing your supply...

Perhaps they meant that if you are busy with your toddler & don't immediately rush to your baby every time he'll be OK momentarily?

My PFB was almost 2 & not very interested in PSB when they appeared.

I would often feed whilst reading or looking at a book with PFB, or all be on the bed whilst he played with a few toys.

Or he would have a not too messy snack.

Congratulations & keep doing what you're doing.

And if they ever kip at the same time-join them!

op not sure if you're still reading but I came across this quite when my DS was days old and I thought it was beautiful and exactly what I needed to hear:

?You are not a pacifier; you are a Mom. You are the sun, the moon, the earth, you are liquid love, you are warmth, you are security, you are comfort in the very deepest aspect of the meaning of comfort?. but you are not a pacifier!? ? Paula Yount

YANBU.

Don't listen to the 'never did mine any harm' brigade.

I had a similar age gap with my first two, your DS1 is so young he'll never remember being a singleton. It'll be fine

Faith, it sounds like you are doing a great job.

I have two DSes - just three and five months. I could never have left DS2 to cry. After a week where DS1 could barely look at me or the baby, he decided he was interested in the baby. Since then I have done what Kingdom describes and we are a team, with DS1 complicit in baby care.

So tonight DS2 has been chewing some of DS1's toys and we are saying "poor babies, they don't know not to chew toys" with laughter to defuse DS1 getting irritated. And when DS2 throws everything on the floor, DS1 says "oh babies always do dropping!" with a comic eye roll. And in the early days we did a lot of me saying "oh dear, DS2 wants milk again! What do babies drink, DS1? That's right, milk. Can babies eat croissants? Noooooo. Can babies eat Cheerios? Noooooo. Can you eat those things?" and so on.

I wept every night after DS2 was born for ruining DS1's life in that first couple of weeks. Now I see the joy they get from each other and I don't feel I've ruined DS1's life at all. Yes, my attention is sometimes divided but we are still a team. And you will be too. X

Valium - are you me

you are doing a good job, i only have one but know a lot about breastfeeding and you need to establish feeding and the baby needs to suck suck suck in the first few weeks. you re doing the best for the baby

You are doing a great job and don't let anyone stress you out!

Babies need a lot of food and sometimes it does feel like you are bfing all day long! Can you try different positions so that you can bf and interact with DS1? Maybe feed sitting on the sofa so you can read DS1 a book or feed lying down so you can do a puzzle with DS1?

Your new baby is still SO small, and you have only just given birth. Dont be so hard on yourself!

I would say that demand feeding at this stage is totally normal, but there is a middle ground to be had when you have a toddler, too. Of course you are going to feed and hold your baby when he needs that, but that doesnt have to mean leaping up at every whimper. So for example, if I were in the middle of something with my toddler and my newborn started whimpering, I might let my newborn cry for a minute while I finished getting toddler a snack or whatever. But of course, I would then have to say to the toddler 'oh dear, X is crying - I think that means we need to feed him' etc.

i remmeber those day swell, though,. its hard, but it doesn get easier x