To not leave my newborn baby to cry?

[Faith48]

DS2 was born 8 days ago and DS1 is 2 years old.

DS2 is breastfed on demand and can have moments where he will not settle without a feed, this can go on for hours. Obviously I am interacting with DS1 as much as I possibly can while DS2 sleeps, I've tried to get him involved in things like nappy changes but he is very cautious about going near DS2 and he wouldn't even go near me when I came home from hospital (this is improving).

I have been advised that DS2 is using me as a 'Dummy' and to leave him to cry as he will sort himself out. This sounds absurd to me and I would never leave a newborn baby to cry as I cannot see how he is doing it 'for attention' when he is so young.

I get loads of 'I left mine to cry and they are fine' comments and as much as I tell everyone that I am not comfortable leaving DS2 to cry they are not stopping.

So AIBU? And am I doing wrong by DS1?

I've become very emotional about this and I can't help but feel sorry for DS1 as he does have to entertain himself quite a lot nowadays. I adore DS2 and I am enjoying him so much and I love breastfeeding (I couldn't do it with DS1) so I need some opinions on if I am doing the right thing by my children because others don't seem to think so.

Agree with everyone, esp Sleepthief. I just wanted to add, go easy on yourself, your newest is only 8 days old and needs cuddles. It will settle down as they get older and you get used to looking after two children. I never left my newborns to cry unless I couldn't avoid it (emergency with another child, toilet accident etc).

Ignore anyone saying let them cry, has anyone said 'rod for your own back' yet?

Babies cry for a reason. If you can take that reason away (feed, nappy, sleep, wind, cuddle, comfort) why would you ignore it and let the baby cry? My LO used me as a dummy and as I had painful nipples we used our fleshy part of our thumb or a finger whichever she preferred. Then overnight we used a dummy occasionally when we wanted to sleep without our hand in her basket! Leaving a baby to cry means you're not meeting its needs. Even if it just wants a cuddle, why wouldn't you give that? Even if it just wants to suckle, why wouldn't you give something for it to suckle on?

I only have one so I can't imagine the Hobson's choice you have to make between meeting each child's needs if they conflict but there's some lovely advice from others which I hope reassures you. Congratulations!

It will get better with DS1. With DD, we talked a lot about how silly the baby was "the silly baby is hungry again! Where is all this milk going? Into her legs?" Having a giggle about it helped, and also created a sense DD1 and I were "in it together" dealing with the baby's demands. Also tell him how helpful he's being. Teamwork is your friend - if you make him feel he's helpful, he's less likely to feel excluded.

And - of course you shouldn't put the baby down. He doesn't have the ability to manipulate you yet

Who told you to leave him to cry, someone from the 1950s? They can fuck off back there.

Congrats on your new DS, you sound like you're doing a wonderful job.

Do what you feel comfortable with. I also had this and now DD is 17 months and every time she throws a tantrum it "because I spoilt her as a baby" but I just couldn't leave her to cry.

The only time I did make a point of leaving the baby to cry was if DS (then 2.5) had hurt himself or needed me, I didn't think it would harm the baby and it certainly made him feel like he wasn't being overlooked. I looked at books, did jigsaw puzzles etc with DS when I was feeding DD.

Ignore what people say and go with what you feel is right.

Longtalljosie, we used to talk about the 'silly baby' too, and very very quickly DS1 formed an alliance with him. 'Mummy, he's not silly, he's just a baby', they have a lovely relationship now.

It's perfectly normal for DS1 to be stand off-ish. He'll come round soon. X

Whether you are breastfeeding or not, picking up and cuddling a crying newborn is absolutely natural and necessary. How else do they tell you what they need? And they need you (or someone!) to attend to them. Establishing breastfeeding just makes it an absolute.

DS1 is just reacting to change. Carry on involving him where he is willing and keep him alongside you when you are feeding (let him watch a programme and sit with you if he will) or just play with his toys nearby, Then, just as you're already doing, you can give him full attention when DS2 sleeps.

It will get easier, and tell everyone with those lunatic ideas that yes, he will 'sort himself out' if he's left. He'll realise that no-one's listening to him so he needn't bother. A newborn's cry tugs at your heart for a reason (I'm a granny and I still want to scream at people to just pick that baby up! when I hear it!)

You're doing brilliantly - congratulations!

My DD is 9 years old and DS is 5.5 months.

DD is very vocal about how I "just" sit and watch tv all day ! We've had a pretty boring summer hols too, few trips to the park but no trips out of town as it exhausts me, so I keep things simple

I feel guilty as hell but in the early days, you have to let baby suckle all day if that's what he wants as your supply relies on this contact.

Don't leave baby to cry, why would anybody do that? (obviously there will be times you have to go to the loo or deal with older sibling, but generally speaking the baby cries = you soothe and cuddle)

Ignore unhelpful comments.

I found a sling helped in the early days to settle DS and give my arms a rest

You know the 'he's using you as a dummy' thing, well babies are meant to suck on the breast for comfort for hours so actually babies with dummies are just 'using the dummy as a breast'. Try throwing that back at them.

Disclaimer: I have nothing against dummies, they are a perfectly valid parenting tool. I just find it annoying that people don't see that it's natural for a baby to suck on something for hours be it breast or dummy IYSWIM?

Of course he's crying for attention. He a tiny little baby who needs to be with his mummy and he's telling you in the only way he can. What's wrong with that? Keep doing what you're doing and ignore fools who would leave a little baby to cry :(

I was there 9 months ago. DD2 had terrible wind/gas and for 3 months was permanently attached. I felt terrible about my PSB who was 2.5 at the time but we had to get on with it. I was very lucky that my Mum spent time with her and Daddy finishes work at a reasonable time.

Fast forward 9 months, no problem with DD1, she doesn't appear jealous of DD2 (who is still bf). You get through it. I kept telling myself that millions have done it and survived before me (and they're too young to remember).

Good luck and remember that children are so adaptable and practice doing jigsaws one handed

YANBU of course not baby is only 8 days old! They're not vindictive enough to cry only for attention at 8 days old! Always for a reason whether its hunger/dirty nappy/wind/etc.

Think its detrimental to leave them to cry for more than just emotional reasons. Know someone who always fed their baby every 4 hours without fail, even if baby wanted feeding 2/3 hours after the previous feed. they just let him scream til the 4hours was up. poor thing gave himself wind and a sore head/throat from all the screaming and was too tired to finish his next feed. And so the cycle would continue!

congratulations on your new baby OP!

Thank you for your kind comments.

My partner left me while I was 5 weeks pregnant so I have no help unfortunately but your comments have made me feel so much better about it.

So sorry to hear that, keep remembering you're doing a great job.

Sorry you are getting such unwanted comments but please ignore. Of course if your baby is crying they need you. Especially at only 8 days old!

In a similar position here but DD2 now 8 weeks. There are times she cries for s bit if I am in the middle of doing something for her sister. Very occasionally she does actually go to sleep. But usually she needs me to calm down. It is hard because you don't want to hear the baby cry. But equally I don't want DD1 to think baby always has priority over her. So yesterday for example I finished the book I was reading with DD1 before picking up baby (obviously a very short book!)

For the first 3 wks though DP was home and he did nearly all the looking after and playing with toddler so wad mostly me and baby so was able to go to her straight away.

I have twins . One often gets left to cry. Fact of life. If I brooded on it I'd go mad.

Sorry that sounded harsh, not meant to. You're doing fine. Crying while you attend to your other DC is not going to Hirt your newborn. Don't let yourself get too sucked into this attachment parenting lark. Do your best and they'll be fine x

Am also single OP, do you have family and friends to help? Could they take it in turns to entertain your eldest for an hour or so each day?

It gets so much easier trust me. BF will be your saviour believe it or not - I find the freedom of it helps with doing things with DD, even if that's just sitting in a park for hours on end or in the library.

Enjoy your babies, don't waste energy on silly advice/negative comments.

Bamboo - I never knew it was called attachment parenting. To me it's just obvious - but I can see how with two babies it would be nigh on impossible!

Bamboo - leaving a baby to cry while you attend to a sibling is worlds apart from leaving a baby to cry to teach them that they can't have their own way all the time.

Attachment parenting is a stupid phrase designed by marketing morons IMO (see also Baby Wearing and Baby Led Weaning) as it is "just" parenting to attend to your baby's needs, regardless of methods used to achieve a happy baby.

You are completely right, try not to get too hung up on stuff OP - easier said than done and i'll let you know when I've mastered that

A newborn can't manipulate you or use you for anything. They don't have the mental processing ability to do that. All they know is that they have a need - milk, sleep, cuddle, nappy change- and the only way they can communicate is to cry. Newborns do breastfeed a lot - it's how supply becomes established. They have tiny stomachs, and need frequent feeds.

Leaving an 8 day old baby to cry will not teach him anything about patience or waiting his turn. It will just exhaust him. Sometimes babies do need to be left somewhere safe for a few minutes if you are in the middle of doing something else e.g. on the loo or in the shower or dealing with another child, but leaving him to cry when he needs a feed in an attempt to teach him a lesson is pointless and will upset you both.

You don't need to follow other people's advice. Just do what works for you and your children. You're doing a great job. Just an idea- can you have a box of toys for DS 1 that just comes out when you BF, or let him have a snuggle with you and watch cbeebies with you?

Where did I suggest it to teach a baby anything Jeeeez. Just trying to help. I was just pointing out that some crying while you attend to your other DC ( in my case 12 week twin) is not going to hurt. Agree attachment parenting is a fad.

Er, I was agreeing with you Bamboo.

I was saying that your situation is a world away from leaving a baby to.cry to "teach" them a.lesson.

Ok sorry x

give yourself a break here its such early days.

if ds1 needs a nappy change and ds2 is crying in a safe place the yes of course you will need to leave him for a few minutes. he won't explode. babies cry. not big news.

he's using you as a dummy?? yes so what? dummy's are a comfort tool arnt they like boobs!

I had my boys 16 months apart and my girls too 9 years later. 😉 you do what you can to satisfy both children. read to ds 1 while you bf. watch a but if ceebeebees and cuddle up.

lower your self and it here expectations!! if both are happy and fed and you are just about functioning that's good enough.

tell any nosy fuckers and friends to fuck right off. your baby your way.