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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would IBU to suggest DH sleeps in spare room?

75 replies

RememberingMyPFEs · 28/08/2013 01:59

DD is 4 weeks old and sleep is a distant memory. DH has a stressful job and 40 min commute.
I started with my feeding chair in the nursery so DD would wake and I'd carry her to the nursery, feed her then come back to the bedroom with her to settle.

Last week DH was away so I moved the chair to the bedroom and it was blissfully easier. Tonight DD was fussing over her 1am feed and DH asked me to move the chair back to the nursery from tomorrow. I get that he's tired and I get that it's important for us to have snuggle time ourselves but I'm sooo tired and shifting between rooms is a pita!

Would IBU to suggest that he sleeps in the spare room at least til she starts waking less in the night?

OP posts:
moreyear · 28/08/2013 02:09

No - it makes perfect sense. (We did it too. Smile )

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/08/2013 02:10

Not even slightly unreasonable. Newborns are terribly hard work, you're already doing all of the night feeds and changes on your own, what more does the man want?

And 40 minutes commute is hardly tough going, incidentally.

NatashaBee · 28/08/2013 02:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DfanjoUnchained · 28/08/2013 02:16

He should move

Mouserama · 28/08/2013 04:14

My DD is ten weeks old. DH also has a very streasful and dwmanding job. He's been sleeping in the spare room simce DD was born. He just cannot sleep when he's in the room with me because DD is a little snuffle-grunt monster in her sleep and I just find it easier to bf her in bed rather than decamp into her room plus I like the light on so I can mn all through the feed. We've already agreed that he will move back into our room when DD moves into her cot.

YANBU!

Mouserama · 28/08/2013 04:15

stressful demanding...bloody one handed typing on phone while breaatfeeding!

Fraggle3112 · 28/08/2013 04:26

Yanbu we slept desperately until DS was about 18 weeks by which time he was too big for his basket and had to go in his own room! Was a million times easier for me coz DS came in to bed to feed and DH wasn't shattered for work!

Congratulations on your new baby, I hope she discovers the joy of sleep soon Grin

Fraggle3112 · 28/08/2013 04:26

*separately

waltzingmathilda · 28/08/2013 04:30

Kicking your partner out of the marital bed in favour of a baby is a sure fire way to breed resentment.

WaitingForMe · 28/08/2013 05:14

A man putting his needs before those of his wife's is a sure fire way to breed resentment.

DorothyBastard · 28/08/2013 05:15

Having to schlep into another room X times a night is a sure way to breed resentment, I'd say.

YANBU, OP, talk to your husband, help him understand that as you are doing all the night feeds it's important that you do what you can to get as much rest as possible so you don't burn yourself out. And if he wants unbroken sleep he is welcome to sleep in the spare room.

HappyAsASandboy · 28/08/2013 05:38

To be honest, I am appalled that he has suggested you schlep all back and forth in the night so that he can get an uninterrupted nights sleep! If he wants an uninterrupted nights sleep, he can go and find one - you need to do whatever you can to maximise your own sleep, as it will be impossible for you to get enough of it whatever you do.

You are current working very hard to fulfill your baby's needs through the night so that he doesn't have to. I am astounded that other people on this thread seem to think you should do even more, so that your sacred husband isn't affected by his baby at all Hmm

Do whatever is easiest for you, and if your husband needs more sleep, he can sleep in the spare room.

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 28/08/2013 05:43

My dh spent many nights on tge sofa as no spare room, ds was a very wakeful baby.

Famzilla · 28/08/2013 05:46

I'm surprised you even get out of bed to feed tbh, I really don't see why anyone would!

DP has a very labour intensive job, gets up at 5 and works incredibly long days. I would still laugh in his face if he asked me to feed DD in another room!

pudtat · 28/08/2013 06:00

It's me and DS in the spare room, simply as there is more space for cot. Dh has been back in our room since he returned to work after paternity leave. He joins us at weekends and does night nappy changes then, Smile.

AmericasTorturedBrow · 28/08/2013 06:03

YANBU

If he needs a guaranteed solid nights sleep he should move to the spare room. You don't need to be confrontational, everyone needs to do what they can to get maximum sleep in the early days.

FWIW we purposefully put a sofa bed in DS nursery when he was born so we'd have this option if it was needed (it was!)

Original poster
RememberingMyPFEs · 28/08/2013 06:57

Thanks everyone. Overwhelming sense that IANBU so will find a gentle way of suggesting it so I don't hurt his feelings.
She's a noisy sleeper so he will sleep better in the spare room for sure.

OP posts:
HappyAsASandboy · 28/08/2013 07:12

It's all very well being gentle about it, but seriously, YANBU!

If being gentle will mean any more difficult nights for you, just show him this thread. When you are tiny-baby-in-the-house knackered and its you doing all the night wakings, 'being gentle' should not come before you getting sleep!

kelda · 28/08/2013 07:16

I wouldn't be botheres about telling him gently. I would just move the chair back to your bedroom and if he doesn't like it, he can sleep in the other room.

He should consider himself lucky that he isn't doing the night feeds/changes.

PotteringAlong · 28/08/2013 07:20

I always fed DS in bed. DH never decamped, he just snoozed through it / chatted to me if I felt like it.

Asking you to move definitely unreasonable!

Lazyjaney · 28/08/2013 07:22

We did it for a while, it was the only way everyone got enough sleep.

StrangeGlue · 28/08/2013 07:25

He has a newborn and expects to sleep well? Dh has a stressful job and an hour commute and still did done of the night changes and feeds (ff) and we both stayed in our bedroom with dd in Moses basket because looking after a baby is just as stressful, if not more so, than any job. That's just the reality of a baby - no one gets a full 8 hours.

If he wants to move into the spare room then fine but I would talk this through a lot and find a solution which means neither of you are doing anything that makes a hard situation worse, you both have realistic expectations and you remember you're a team and you're on the sane side.

EsTutMirLeid · 28/08/2013 07:29

No my DH did this and we all got better sleep.

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes · 28/08/2013 07:31

YANBU - your solution gets everyone the most sleep.

He can choose whether to stay with you or sleep in the spare room - or he could get up and go in the spare room the first time dd wakes up, so you are together till then.

karatekimmi · 28/08/2013 07:31

Yep, if my DH wanted a nights sleep, he went in the spare bedroom. It was a non issue, he also had LO when I went and slept in the spare room on a few occasions!!