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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would IBU to suggest DH sleeps in spare room?

75 replies

RememberingMyPFEs · 28/08/2013 01:59

DD is 4 weeks old and sleep is a distant memory. DH has a stressful job and 40 min commute.
I started with my feeding chair in the nursery so DD would wake and I'd carry her to the nursery, feed her then come back to the bedroom with her to settle.

Last week DH was away so I moved the chair to the bedroom and it was blissfully easier. Tonight DD was fussing over her 1am feed and DH asked me to move the chair back to the nursery from tomorrow. I get that he's tired and I get that it's important for us to have snuggle time ourselves but I'm sooo tired and shifting between rooms is a pita!

Would IBU to suggest that he sleeps in the spare room at least til she starts waking less in the night?

OP posts:
Shamoy · 28/08/2013 07:35

Definitely ask him to sleep in the spare room.
As for finding a gentle way to ask him to spare his feelings, did he think carefully about asking you to take the chair out the room and be up and down in the night more so as to spare your feelings? There seems to be a slight imbalance here.

mumofweeboys · 28/08/2013 07:36

You could volunteer to go in spare room with the baby or perhaps split it. Dh does couple of days and you do acouple of days - only say this as my oh loves our bed and spare bed isnt as comfy

Charotte31 · 28/08/2013 07:42

No not at all! If your doing all the night feeds yourself and at home all day with your DD get no help when his routine doesn't sound like its changed much ( 40 minutes to work is nothing by the way my husband travels nearly 2 hours each way and he still gets up to our DD in the night to help me out if I'm tired). Then you should do whatever is easier for you. Don't ask just tell him!

Inertia · 28/08/2013 07:55

Makes far more sense for him to sleep in the spare room.

KeepTheFaithBaby · 28/08/2013 08:14

YANBU we did this. One reason was DD struggled to latch in the early days, I needed light to help and the stress of not disturbing him made it harder! It maybe went on longer than I liked though - it was only when we went away together and shared a bed again at 7 weeks that we then started sharing a bed. It in no way bred resentment between us! Just don't let it go on too long.

purrpurr · 28/08/2013 08:27

My DD is 14 weeks and I'm still in the spare room with her. You do what works for you as a couple, find your own normal. Family are aghast that I am in the spare room with DD, but she's formula fed, I'm exhausted, too tired to discuss DH doing more to help, so the very last thing I can stand is being up all night with the incredible non sleeping baby whilst my DH snores for 10 hours with his bum in the air. I tried it once and got so resentful I could have filed for divorce on the spot.

themaltesefalcon · 28/08/2013 08:38

Your husband is being an unbelievable arse.

If you weren't breastfeeding, there'd be no reason for him not to be doing the nightfeeds. None.

He has some nerve to complain about his sleep being shattered when it is you who is getting up to and tending to your baby round the clock.

A forty minute commute is miniscule.

Can you get one of those cots that attach to the side of the bed? You don't even need to get up then. Your baby may not sleep through for many months- or even years. So you need to be resting as much as possible. Flowers.

Forty minutes! Christ.

Twiddlebum · 28/08/2013 09:04

We have a bed in our nursery where I sleep. Baby is currently in Moses basket but will soon move to a cot. It means

  1. husband gets sleep,
  2. I sleep in same room as baby for feeding
  3. I can go back into main bedroom for adult snuggles without it feeling like a baby room
  4. baby is already sleeping in her own room

It works for us Smile

Tee2072 · 28/08/2013 09:07

Screw being gentle with him. Tell him.

"You want a good nights sleep? There's the spare room. I'm staying right here with our baby."

I hope he's at least doing some of the work on the weekends so you can catch up on sleep. Such as taking baby after first morning feed so you can go back to bed?

Squitten · 28/08/2013 09:20

When DS1 was new, we were all in the one room and it was horrible. We had a spare bed with DS2 and it was great. I could do what I needed in the night without disturbing DH and he could get up with the kids in the morning so I could sleep in. It was a life-saver! We'll be doing it again when DC3 arrives.

Do it!

diddl · 28/08/2013 09:27

Can't imagine why you are getting up & taking her to another room tbh.

You won't want to be doing that in Winter!

If his baby disturbed him, my husband slept elsewhere!

Christelle2207 · 28/08/2013 09:29

my ds is 3 weeks. As he wakes so frequently dh and I agreed that dh would sleep in spare room until more of a routine established, so that he can be well rested for work. He's back with us weekends tho. A lot easier for me too to be able to feed and co-sleep without worrying about disturbing dh. works for us but hoping dh moves back in soon.

pianodoodle · 28/08/2013 09:33

40 mins to work isn't bad! My DH walks and that's how long it takes him each way, and he thinks he's lucky to be able to walk!

Looking after a newborn can be stressful too I hope you are catching up on rest somewhere.

I'd like to think he won't have a problem moving to the spare room but if he does you could always suggest expressing so you can then take it in turns to get up? He might prefer the spare room after all!

SoonToBeSix · 28/08/2013 09:34

Stressful job and looking after a baby is a piece of cake? At least your dh gets lunch breaks and can wee in peace. As for a forty minute commute that is really not long. Never mind moving rooms he should settle the baby after feeds.

adagio · 28/08/2013 09:35

Yep another vote for DH in spare room here - we did it (after quite a few weeks of trying earplugs etc) and it was bliss for us I all - kingsized bed, me plus baby, easy to lie down and BF/doze once I learnt how to feed lying down.

Now DD (8m) pretty much sleeps through and is in her own room and cot he has come back, but says I am too noisy as he is used to peace and a big bed to himself.. Plus he doesn't always appreciate the 6:15am wake ups from an incredibly cheerful baby wanting to play! He still decamps to the spare room for the odd lie in, so I keep the bed (well futon) made up in case.

In fairness, I did try me and the baby in spare room but I didn't like it - it has full blackout curtains so it was impossible to find the baby without putting the light on, I couldn't sit up properly as no headboard on a futon, and I liked to do the feeds in semi darkness (so I didn't have to wake up too much) just with the laptop on its dimmest setting to allow me to MN.

IF he is unhelpful about moving is it feasible/would it help you to move you and baby to the other room? (I don't see why you should have to, but if he is being and arse and it easier for you than arguing?)

Marcheline · 28/08/2013 09:56

YANBU.

DD2 is 6 months old. This weekend we moved her into her own room, and DH moved back into our bedroom. With DD1 we lived in a 1 bed flat so we all had to share and it was misery all round. Much better now.

attheendoftheday · 28/08/2013 10:56

The only thing that is unreasonable is that your dh isn't helping at night at all. With a newborn in the house everyone should be pitching in! Sleeping separately is fine, if your dh understood what real sleep deprivation is like I don't think he's question this.

GhostsInSnow · 28/08/2013 10:58

YANBU at all! 40 Minute commute? Poor love. Mine leaves at 6am, commutes an hour and a half (two on a bad day) and doesn't walk back through the door until 8pm.

Tell him to sleep in the spare room or put up with it.

PoppyWearer · 28/08/2013 11:13

YANBU.

My DC2 is 2yo and there are still many nights when DH or I decamp to DC2's room, or vice versa so that the parent who isn't "on duty" can get better-quality sleep.

As for helping at night, there isn't much the DH can do if you are bf'ing. My DH would sit up with me and just say how useless he felt. It was actually easier once I told him not to bother, and could read a book or MN whilst I fed. As long as he remembers to help once the DCs are older and wake at night!

comingalongnicely · 28/08/2013 11:15

I think your hubby is BU by working so close, he needs to get a job that is at least a 3 hour commute so you can beat all the "Billy Two Shits" on here.

As for the spare room, it's a win-win solution for you all - hopefully he'll leap at the chance!

LEMisdisappointed · 28/08/2013 11:19

Isn't it recommened that the safest place for a baby to sleep up until 6 months is in the same room as their parents?

roweeena · 28/08/2013 11:24

for a slightly different reason I was on a camp bed in the nursery with DS for the first 8 weeks then I came back into bedroom by which time the feeds had settled down a bit. (we had a small London flat at the time with the cat flap going into the main bedroom - so it was easier all round). I never found it that difficult after 8 weeks to go back and forth into nursery - but then it was a small flat.

We are in a much larger house now and the forthcoming baby is def going to be in our room this time (can keep the cat out) and if DH doesn't like it he can sleep in the guest bedroom!

No need to be gentle to DH just tell him he is bloody lucky he isn't having to do the feeds.

KeepTheFaithBaby · 28/08/2013 11:30

Oh OP have you tried feeding in bed? I have a v neck pillow and just pop that behind me and feed her like that. I CBA to get up every time she's hungry!

GhostsInSnow · 28/08/2013 11:30

comingalongnicely I think the point being made, by myself and others, is that a 40 minute commute is pretty normal in the scheme of things and nothing at all for him to complain about.

if its 'Billy Two Shits' to want a normal family life with a DH I see for more than an hour a day because he's so knackered then you can happily call me Billy Wink

Original poster
RememberingMyPFEs · 28/08/2013 11:38

Thanks everyone! I have the message loud and clear Grin
I think I'll suggest we start together and then he can decamp on nights he is disturbed so we still get to say goodnight together.

The reason I want to be gentle is he is feeling like a spare part right now and I don't want him to feel even more rejected than he is right now. I think it's hard for the OH when Mum is bf'ing cos they can't offer the same comfort to their child. It's a two way street and having a tired grumpy and neglected DH will help no-one Wink

I am planning to express enough for a nightly feed from 6 weeks so he can do a midnight feed and I can sleep a little...

OP posts: