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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would IBU to suggest DH sleeps in spare room?

75 replies

RememberingMyPFEs · 28/08/2013 01:59

DD is 4 weeks old and sleep is a distant memory. DH has a stressful job and 40 min commute.
I started with my feeding chair in the nursery so DD would wake and I'd carry her to the nursery, feed her then come back to the bedroom with her to settle.

Last week DH was away so I moved the chair to the bedroom and it was blissfully easier. Tonight DD was fussing over her 1am feed and DH asked me to move the chair back to the nursery from tomorrow. I get that he's tired and I get that it's important for us to have snuggle time ourselves but I'm sooo tired and shifting between rooms is a pita!

Would IBU to suggest that he sleeps in the spare room at least til she starts waking less in the night?

OP posts:

firesidechat · 28/08/2013 11:46

I breast fed both of my children in our bed and then put them back in the moses basket/ cot when finished. There is no way that I would have gone to another room in the middle of the night in the cold and dark to feed them. However I also never thought to ask my husband to remove himself to the spare room either. He just dozed while I did the feeding part and offered moral support if necessary. If I was finding it all too much then he would step in and have a bit of a cuddle (baby, not me).

My husband realised that disturbed sleep was par for the course with babies and he soon learnt to sleep through most of the night time routine. I didn't mind this because he had a very demanding job with a long commute and both of our babies were fairly easy to care for during the day. But the main point is that he was there when he was needed.

Would your Dh be happy for you to feed in bed? If not, then I can see why kicking him out may seem appealing.

Original poster

RememberingMyPFEs · 28/08/2013 11:56

Fireside - I started in the nursery, moved into the bedroom while DH was away and stayed there (he was back in Sat). Last night he asked me to move back to nursery when DD was being particularly grunty at 1am ish feed. I wanted to get some opinions before talking to him this evening. He certainly wouldn't be happy (I suspect) me feeding in bed while he is trying to sleep.

A happy and rested DH means better support for me in the evenings and at weekends

Wish me luck for tonight, hopefully he will be reasonable too

OP posts:

worldgonecrazy · 28/08/2013 12:09

I may be reading between the lines here, but prioritising "snuggle time" at 4 weeks, an OH feeling "rejected", i.e. "not the centre of your attention", and whinging about commuting for a whole 40 minutes (WTAF!) says to me he's a selfish arse.

As a new Dad, how can he be feeling like a spare part when he should be supporting you, making your food, running you baths, ensuring that the housework is kept on top of, bathing baby, taking baby for snuggles and walks (comforting your baby as well) so you can have half an hour to yourself. These are all important. Get him to realise the importance of these and he may wake up to his selfishness and feel like less of a spare part, sleep willingly in the spare room, and make life much easier for the family for the next 20 years.

Original poster

RememberingMyPFEs · 28/08/2013 12:10

LEM she will always be sleeping with me for first 6 months, the crib is beside the bed.

Its just DH that's in question ;-)

OP posts:

LEMisdisappointed · 28/08/2013 12:12

oh, so he makes you actually take DD out of the room? yeah well, kick him out :) he can come in when you feel like a bit of the other and then feck off back to his own room!

nickelbabe · 28/08/2013 12:19

he won't do a midnight feed, and you know it.

yanbu, if he wants cuddle time then he can go to sleep in the spare room afterwards.

I can't believe he thinks it's reasonable to make you go into another room to feed her just to bring her back into your room!

DD is 20 months old, she's been sleeping in with us since 2 weeks old, and she's got eczema into the bargain, so I'm usually awake most of the night trying to stop her from scratching herself stupid.
DH gets up at 5 every day. he usually gets disturbed by her scratching and rubbing and screaming when I stop her, and often he gets up and helps with it.
he complains he's tired, but never once has he suggested that I go into another room with her because it's disturbing! (i have done a couple of times, because there's only so much the primary wage earner can take before a breakdown...)
and he certainly would never suggest that his cuddle time/sleep time is more important than a tiny baby!

oh, and babies are noisy sleepers - that's a good thing, as it helps you to know they're okay.

JessePinkmansBitch · 28/08/2013 12:23

YANBU. We did this when both my dds were newborns (until they were around 4 months). ALthough DH slept on the couch because we didn't have a spare room, and he was the one he took himself there because he had to get up for work the next day. It also meant that I ended up co-sleeping for the first few months which was so much easier.

Xiaoxiong · 28/08/2013 12:28

Was about to post but firesidechat has said all I was going to say. The only difference is we converted our cot to a co-sleeper and pulled it up to the side of the bed so I didn't even need to get up - just pulled DS towards me, fed him, pushed him back again.

I used to go to bed around 7pm on my own, sleep uninterrupted until the 11pm feed when DH would bring DS in and then he would go to sleep and I would be "on duty" which really meant lightly snoozing between the 2am and 5am feeds.

The couple of times DH was really tired he asked me ahead of time whether I minded him sleeping in the spare room that night and just to text him if I needed him in the night.

TarkaTheOtter · 28/08/2013 13:14

It doesn't even make sense to do things the way you have been. By the time you are asked to go to the nursery (how you can keep from smothering him at that point I don't know) he's already been disturbed. Much easier if he sleeps in the spare room. That way he can get a good block of undisturbed sleep and be up and useful the rest of the time.

At the weekend I suggest you try a night where he does everything but the actual feeding. So all the nappies/winding/settling etc. Just so he can feel involved you see .

teacher123 · 28/08/2013 13:28

We had an arrangement in the early days that as I was bf then I would do all the night wakings, but that I reserved the right at any point to wake DH up to make me a cup of tea/try to settle DS/change a nappy etc. DH works shifts and is often up at 5am. So we all went to bed at 8pm in an attempt to get some sleep! DH occasionally decided to sleep in the spare room, but always was with us when he possibly could be. I used to kick him out when he had early shifts as his alarm would wake all of us up. That first few months of sleep deprivation is pure hell. Why doesn't he come to bed early for some time together and then go to spare room? We used to watch things on the iPad in silence and darkness whilst DS snoozed, but at least we were together!

Xiaoxiong · 28/08/2013 14:09

Haha teacher we did exactly the same thing watching stuff together in silence - I seem to remember a lot of Wallander and other Scandi crime stuff as it was subtitled and we could have the volume down to absolutely nothing

firesidechat · 28/08/2013 15:37

OP, I'm probably a bit old school in some of my views, but even I wouldn't think that a well rested husband is entirely realistic in the early days.

As I've said my children were generally quite easy to take care of and I had the luxury of being a sahm. I did the vast majority of the childcare and housework because my husband worked very long hours and the commute was about 1.5 hours each way. However when he was home he did a lot with our babies and was always a hands on dad. I'm afraid that that meant a lack of social life and a severe lack of sleep on occasions. He wasn't well rested particularly, but he was happy thank goodness.

If he won't let you feed in your own bed then out he goes.

Ledkr · 28/08/2013 21:04

We have just finished 2+ yrs of a badly sleeping dd.
If it weren't for many bed swaps we'd have gone demented.
It allowed us to both get some quality sleep.
As for the "leaving the marital bed" bollox, we are still going strong and always have done. A lot if that was down to the ability to be flexible when faced with a challenge.

redwellybluewelly · 28/08/2013 21:33

With borh babies I slept with them (coslept first time and cot by the bed second time) from day one DH slept in the other room.

Sleep is vital. DH got more sleep when I was looking after DC1, but he took her from 6am and I was feeding much of the time anyway. It did however take a year aftee my return to work FT for him to accept we needed to alternate night shifts.

Dd2 rwfuses to co sleep and rarely wakes. Dh manages any toddler wakeups but we both acccept that for the meantime we'll sleep separately. We'll get pur sex life back when baby gets a bit bigger

primallass · 28/08/2013 21:37

I took DS into the nursery to feed him at night. I used to put the radio on. I didn't mind. But with DD I was far too tired and our bedroom had moved upstairs (loft conversion) - there was no way I was schlepping downstairs in the dark. But she ended up mostly cosleeping (tbh it is such a blur I can't really remember).

primallass · 28/08/2013 21:41

And my opinion was that as he was having to go to work and not be useless that his sleep was very important. There was absolutely no need past the first couple of weeks for us both to be awake in the night.

littlemisswise · 28/08/2013 21:53

I fed our two in bed. DH would never have dreamt of asking me to go elsewhere to feed them. For a start they were both born in December so it was too cold to be sat in a chair. He, also, realised that when you have a newborn sleep isn't particularly high on the agenda. If ours wouldn't settle after their feed, DH was always happy enough to help out and walk the floor with them.

If your DH wants someone to leave the room because his sleep is so precious then it should be him.

AmberLeaf · 28/08/2013 22:08

Why did you start leaving your bedroom for feeds in the first place?

You wouldn't want to be doing that when she is older and starts 'noticing' things to keep her awake during/after feeds!

My childrens Dad either slept through feeds or helped, but mainly slept through. [he left for work at 6am]

I don't think sleeping in seperate rooms is the best idea personally, not because of the mans 'needs' or any of that bollocks, but for the good of your relationship/togetherness etc. cuddles and closeness, not sex.

But if he is disturbed by your babies snuffles, then of course he should decamp, no way would I be traipsing across the landing at 1am with a baby.

Yonionekanobe · 28/08/2013 22:14

We were all in our room when DD was a baby and in hindsight it was not brilliant judgement as DH got woken up when DD woken up for feeds. I am expecting DD2 and we will be sleeping in her room (there is a single bed and the cot) so DH can sleep well and tend to our toddler in the mornings before work. Once I'm back at work (we both work FT) it will be back to sharing nights with an expressed bottle.

Original poster

RememberingMyPFEs · 28/08/2013 22:49

Well we had a brief chat and we're all staying in the bedroom and he'll decamp to the spare room if he's really shattered. He doesn't want to sleep separately cos he wants to be there for us and for us to be a family (he does feel a little left out re bf'ing)

I'm hoping once I sort out my oversupply/let down issues the feeds will be less grunty and he'll sleep through anyway.

Thanks again for all the support - I second guess myself and think I'm being unreasonable too often. I'm a pleaser I guess...

OP posts:

firesidechat · 28/08/2013 22:58

I have to say that I'm with Amberleaf on this one. We wouldn't have wanted to sleep in a different bed to each other and found ways to make it workable.

In fact I was talking to my husband about this thread earlier this evening. He couldn't even remember where I fed our children after all these years. But he did say that he was happier to put up with a disturbed night rather than sleep in another room. Parenthood is one big balancing act and I suppose we thought intimacy was more important than sleep at the time. Like Amberleaf I mean being physically together as much as sex. I may be looking back through a romantic fog, but feeding your baby with your husband dozing next to you was rather lovely in the early days.

dollywobbles · 28/08/2013 23:15

I suppose we thought intimacy was more important than sleep at the time

I genuinely can't think of anything that was more important than sleep at the newborn stage! Feeding every 2 hours, round the clock - I'd have swapped an intimate moment with DH for a 30 minute nap in a heartbeat!

DH wasn't well for a long time after DS was born (physically unwell, needing a number of operations) so we were in separate rooms for a long time. It did our relationship no harm at all.

AmberLeaf · 28/08/2013 23:25

Intimacy doesn't have to mean sex.

Both me and firesidechat specified not sex.

A cuddly nap is nice!

attheendoftheday · 28/08/2013 23:28

I'm in dollywobbles club. I was so sleep deprived there was literally nothing more important than sleep. Washing, eating... not important. It was the dc's needs, then sleep.

We survived (both times). Our relationship is really strong, because we went through some difficult times together.

Ledkr · 29/08/2013 06:48

Intimacy can also be demonstrated by a real understanding if each others needs.
My dh and I seemed to naturally do what was fair or necessary at night. I guess when you have one as bad as our dd you have to.
There is nothing that made me feel closer to dh than when he took over from me and insisted on taking dd so I could sleep even if he had work.
I would often wake after a few hrs rest and take over again if she was awake.
Having gone through two horrendous yrs of no sleep I'd say that where we slept became irrelevant and certainly no indicator of intimacy. We remained close and supportive if each other and that is true intimacy.

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