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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand why more people don't elope?

75 replies

ProbablyNothingBut · 27/08/2013 18:23

So many, many people get themselves into a huge stress over their wedding days, not to mention debt in some cases. I know of a couple who all but bankrupted her parents for the big day. Another where everything bar the brides dress was chosen by the MIL (not paying) who hated the bride anyway... Not to mention so much stress seen on here.

Why do people do it? Isn't the point to be married to the one you love? Isn't stress, misery and debt a bit at odds with that idea?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 27/08/2013 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 27/08/2013 18:45

I would be fine with either of mine eloping. What a dumb reason to cut your family member off for good.

MrsBW · 27/08/2013 18:47

They get into stress and debt because they want the big wedding.

Hence, they don't elope.

BuskersCat · 27/08/2013 18:48

We would go tomorrow, but it would destroy my mum and nan

HugoDarling · 27/08/2013 18:48

It's nice to have everyone you love be there to see you make your vows.

It's really hard to turn your back on previously made plans and promises too.

I'd have loved to elope. Mine are more than welcome to do the same!

expatinscotland · 27/08/2013 18:49

Then don't tell them you're married. No one has to know. I can't imagine being 'destroyed' by something like this. Shit. I lost a child. That is destroying, not 'Oh, my daughter/son eloped.'

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 27/08/2013 18:52

Our wedding was about more than us. It was about family. Having said that our wedding was fairly stress free (appart from thw caterers who had forgotten about is 4 days before the evene but thats another story) we only got what we could afford and it was a cheap and cheerful relaxed kind of do.

bec0901 · 27/08/2013 18:52

I wish we had eloped. We only spent about £4k on the wedding and did it as cheaply as possible, keeping costs down for all the guests too (4pm start, hog roast buffet, quick reception and disco). We also arranged it really quickly because we wanted to get on with being married.

But... my DH and I are both basically introverts and so we found being the centre of attention quite stressful. I felt like I was focused on 'the event', rather than getting married.

My sister is now mulling over how to get married and my advice to her and others is 'Try hosting your own birthday party. Do you love it or hate it? A wedding is just that feeling multiplied by 100'.

BrokenSunglasses · 27/08/2013 18:53

Because some of us like the opportunity to host all of the people we love, all at the same time, in celebration of something special to us.

I had a reasonably big wedding, I didn't stress and I didn't get into debt. We had a fabulous day, gave our friends and family a good day and had a lot of fun creating some lovely memories. That's why we didn't elope. It wouldn't have been as much fun on our own.

youmeatsix · 27/08/2013 18:53

we did it, no regrets, we wanted to be married, not "have a wedding" everyone understood, it was about us, getting married, no one else. we even picked 2 strangers off the street to be witness

AKissIsNotAContract · 27/08/2013 18:56

It doesn't have to be stressful. I can't wait for my big wedding. I would have happily gone abroad but DP wanted the big white wedding, he wanted to make his vows in front of all the people he cares about. I wanted him to be happy so we've done it his way and now it's only a few weeks away I'm very glad that we did.

CoffeeTea103 · 27/08/2013 18:56

It is selfish for those close to you to miss out on your big day. How would you feel not being there seeing your DD or DS on their wedding day.

Rather keep it smaller in number of guests than to elope. And isn't sharing this day with people close to you a big part of it?

Original poster
ProbablyNothingBut · 27/08/2013 19:01

Some weddings are lovely (I went to one recently that was so sweet), but so many are not. Stress, organisation, falling out with relatives, resentment of pleasing other people....

It seems like utter madness to me.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 27/08/2013 19:06

I'd be happy to elope, so would DP - a wonderful idea! We'd want to take DSS with us, that's been the challenge that has prevented us so far. We definitely want him to be with us - he was with us in M&S 'Revive' having a hot chocolate when DP proposed, so it's mega important for him to see the 'knot being tied' so to speak! I can't anticipate how family and friends would react ....

I notice there has been a lot of debate on AIBU regarding permutations of "do we, don't we" nip off and get married or marry privately, then subsequently have a separate reception later on or conversely inflict one's preference of wedding location onto people who can't afford to travel to the Maldives, Caribbean, etc. All these approaches have loaded meaning and consequences to different people - it becomes a balance of pleasing oneself whilst also considering the opinions / feelings of others - a very stressful mix!

It doesn't always follow, but the lower-key the wedding, then the focus is on the relationship. The downside is that many, many people would feel really deprived of their Big Day, the photos and memory of being a star for the day.

If you can do it low-key, and still feel like you are walking on a cloud, then you are sure it has been done for the right reason!

youmeatsix · 27/08/2013 19:07

It is selfish for those close to you to miss out on your big day. How would you feel not being there seeing your DD or DS on their wedding day i'd like to think i love them enough to be happy with what they want for "their day" you hit the nail on the head, its their day, not mine, we had our choice when we got married

Original poster
ProbablyNothingBut · 27/08/2013 19:09

Selfish? Your marriage should be selfish. It should be about you and your partner, nobody else.

OP posts:
peteypiranha · 27/08/2013 19:10

We eloped and I want my children to elope. I dont care about not being at their wedding tbh I would be more worried about a bad choice in partner and getting divorced than what they did on one day. I care about the marriage not the wedding.

spokeswoman · 27/08/2013 19:11

My DH and I eloped.
Best thing we ever did.
We walked into a travel agents said we wanted a holiday in the Caribean and get married while there,simple.

NotAnotherPackedLunch · 27/08/2013 19:16

A wedding is also a family event.
I wanted a very small quiet wedding, but it was really important to my father to have an event where all the far flung family could get together again for a mass catch up. It was really fun to see the whole huge family reunited and partying.

Sallyingforth · 27/08/2013 19:20

peteypiranha sums it up well.
The wedding is the first day of marriage, not an end in itself.

larry5 · 27/08/2013 19:30

My nephew got married last week and had a very small wedding with a total of 15 there. He invited parents, grandparents and siblings. That was what he and his wife wanted and the rest of the family was fine with that.

DN's inlaws hosted a family party the following day and it was good to catch up with everyone but much more relaxed than if there had been a big wedding reception with speeches and everything and was much more like the couple to do it quietly.

makemineabacardi · 27/08/2013 19:32

A lot of people, to put it bluntly, just want the attention of 70+ people to be solely on them for the day (and the weeks and months running up to it...)

We had so much stress put on us by family over who got an invite etc that I wish we'd eloped.

AgathaF · 27/08/2013 19:38

We would be quite happy if our DC eloped. Rather that to be honest, than some big elaborate wedding that stresses people to the eyeballs for months, leaves them skint, and then leaves them on a downer for weeks afterwards because the thing they have been building up to for months has gone.

We got married with just two witness (my parents). We're not close to family and the thought of hosting them all for a day was really just unthinkable. It worked for us.

memphis83 · 27/08/2013 19:40

I wanted to elope but dp doesn't want to, he wants his whole family to share it with us. We get married next year, we will have no debt as we have saved for it all.
It is nice seeing our families getting excited about the day, but it would have been nice to sneak off.

stargirl1701 · 27/08/2013 19:46

Because, our wedding was the joining of two families. Because, we wanted to share such a special & solemn occasion with those we love. Eloping seems underhand to me...like the couple have something to hide.