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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not understand why more people don't elope?

75 replies

ProbablyNothingBut · 27/08/2013 18:23

So many, many people get themselves into a huge stress over their wedding days, not to mention debt in some cases. I know of a couple who all but bankrupted her parents for the big day. Another where everything bar the brides dress was chosen by the MIL (not paying) who hated the bride anyway... Not to mention so much stress seen on here.

Why do people do it? Isn't the point to be married to the one you love? Isn't stress, misery and debt a bit at odds with that idea?

OP posts:

manchestermummy · 28/08/2013 12:25

YANBU. Our wedding was family guilt trip fest. Nothing was for us, it was all for family.

usuallyright · 28/08/2013 12:42

we eloped.
I don't understand why anyone would want the whole big bridezilla nonsense. Spending over 5k on a day is a sinful waste of cash.

WafflyVersatile · 28/08/2013 12:55

@ motherinferior

People don't always know how stressful the run up and day will be until they start down that road.

And of course eloping might result in stress after the wedding if people are offended.

As said up thread weddings are an opportunity to bring family together and have a celebration. It's not an opportunity you have to take up.

There are a lot of ways to upset people every day and weddings provide ample opportunity for this too. in both directions.

CuppaSarah · 28/08/2013 13:40

I would LOVE to elope, but my sister eloped. I I do too that means my Dad never gets to walk one of his daughters down the aisle and my grandparents never get to see a grandchild get married. As much stress as it is going to be I couldn't take that away from my family.

Oh well, to save stress we're getting married in the morning, then taking everyone to Alton Towers. Barely any planning needed and we get an awesome fun day out with family and friends. We've booked everything before even announcing our engagement too, that way no one can butt in and guilt us into changing it. I love having this secret

CuppaSarah · 28/08/2013 13:41

*If I do too

AgathaF · 28/08/2013 13:43

That sounds a fun day Cuppa.

CuppaSarah · 28/08/2013 13:49

Oh yes! I am just a bit excited.

Famzilla · 28/08/2013 13:54

IMO its all consumerism.

Women get sucked in reading these stupid bridal magazines and thinking its their "big day". Everyone is trying to outdo everyone else and show off. I find the whole thing absolutely ridiculous.

DP and I are getting married in 7 weeks, in private with our 2 oldest friends as witnesses. A week before we will casually message our close friends and tell them that if they wish to celebrate to meet us in the pub in the evening afterwards. But there will be no fancy dress, overpriced flowers, seat backs or other garb we supposedly need for our "speshul day".

I cringe when people tell me how much their weddings cost. I just.dont.get.it.

Famzilla · 28/08/2013 13:55

Oh cuppa that's brilliant!

Seaweedy · 28/08/2013 14:38

Hippy, I'll raise you. I got married on my due date! We didn't tell anyone for weeks or months afterwards, can't quite remember. It was just us and two security guards from the town hall as witnesses. It was great. I thoroughly recommend it.

I am sceptical about people having big weddings purely in order that family members are not 'destroyed'. Both our families are very traditional and all have had big weddings with 100 plus guests, white dresses, church ceremonies etc, but they respected our wishes for our own wedding.

I suspect that many people who say they have big weddings to spare family feeling really want one themselves.

Kezztrel · 28/08/2013 14:43

We seriously considered eloping to save money and stress, but in the end decided it was worth it just to have all our closest family and friends together for the day - it's a pretty much once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to do that. As it turned out, it was definitely worth it, and there wasn't much stress at all.

Kezztrel · 28/08/2013 14:47

Although we were lucky enough to be able to scale the day back to closest friends and family, which ended up being 65 people, and didn't do things like wedding favours or have much decoration - it was a registry office and garden party basically. Still expensive though. If we'd had to book a big venue and cater for hundreds, we wouldn't have done it.

mrsjay · 28/08/2013 14:51

I wanted to elope then i wanted just us and witnesses then it turned into a hooha and we had 40 during the day and everybody and their dog int he evening it was lovely and all that, but if my dds said look I dont want a fuss and just went and did it I would be happy for them and i wouldnt kick up any kind of fuss

mrsjay · 28/08/2013 14:53

tbf our wedding didnt cost thousands we couldnt afford a huge wedding ,

EldritchCleavage · 28/08/2013 14:58

Families don't stop being dysfunctional because there is a wedding in the offing, it just becomes a focus for the dysfunction. As as many threads on here make plain, lots of lovely people are really trapped in horrid families suffering and thinking it's all normal and they must be the ones at fault. Usually the strength and (self) awareness needed to tell awful relatives to sod off comes later, often once children arrive.

Xiaoxiong · 28/08/2013 15:11

We had a big wedding by many people's standards - 135 people, central London church and venue. But we started with a realistic budget that wasn't going to bankrupt us and worked from there - so no bankruptcy or debt as a result.

It was absolutely one of the best days of my life and I can honestly say that the various minor stresses associated with planning any big event (birthday, christening etc) were more than worth it to have friends and family flying in from all over the world to celebrate with us. People put themselves out for weddings in a way that they won't for a christening or a birthday, even a "special" one, so I'm pretty confident that there won't be another occasion in my lifetime to have everyone who loves me and DH together in one place and having a ball.

And I was married to DH at the end of it and they had to kick us off the dancefloor at 2am

TenthMuse · 28/08/2013 15:31

So good to read people's opinions on this! I'm not married yet, but have a long-term DP and we're likely to do it fairly soon. Part of what has stopped us taking the plunge before now is that we're both dreading the idea of a wedding - both of us have small families (his parents are both only children, so no aunts/uncles/cousins at all on his side) and some of mine are pretty dysfunctional. Plus, we're both on the introverted side (DP in particular), so the idea of being a centre of attention for the whole day is quite stressful. I've never wanted a big white wedding, but am not totally sold on the eloping thing either - would feel bad about not inviting at least a few close friends and family.

Quite like the idea of a small, simple gathering in a barn or something, with everything home-made, but there's no precedent for it in my friendship circle, as pretty much everyone I know has had full-on church weddings with chocolate fountains, string quartets, doves etc, etc! Was beginning to feel like a bit of a freak for not wanting any of this, and it's reassuring to see that there are others out there who share my misgivings!

Personally I agree with Caitlin Moran (in 'How to Be A Woman') when she says that it's actually a bit depressing how so many people invest everything (literally and metaphorically!) in a single day and see it as the pinnacle of their life together - as if it's all inevitably downhill after 'the big day.'

EldritchCleavage · 28/08/2013 15:33

Tenth, have the wedding you want. People will take their lead from you, so if you stress 'relaxed' and 'informal' that is likely to be what you will get. And you may find quite a lot of friends sidling up to you to say how nice it's been and they wish they'd had the guts to do something similar.

AgathaF · 28/08/2013 15:38

Tenthmuse - I hope you get the wedding you want. Have you thought about buggering off and doing it somewhere sandy and warm? Maybe taking a handful of those closest to you if you wanted to?

TenthMuse · 28/08/2013 15:38

Also, reading through the thread again, it really does seem to be a bit of an introvert/extrovert thing - quite a few people saying (like me) that they dread being in the limelight, and others saying it's a great excuse for a party - different strokes, I guess!

Also, it's really dependent on the size and closeness of your family - I completely understand people who want to share their celebrations with their loved ones, but my family is very 'nuclear' (mum, dad, brother, an alcoholic uncle, a few much older cousins we see about once a year) and to artificially force everyone together for one day would feel quite false to me.

Kezztrel · 28/08/2013 15:40

Tenth you sound exactly like a friend of mine who's just got married - both introverts, together for years and years, never wanted a 'big day'. They kept it incredibly low-key - 20 people, which included just local friends and family - went to a registry office and then had dinner after. I know a couple of others who have done this too. It was lovely. Big weddings can be fun but these smaller ones have felt much more personal and intimate.

TenthMuse · 28/08/2013 15:45

Thanks Agatha and Eldritch . The idea of going abroad has been mooted - we both love Italy, so that's one option. We'd definitely want to take a few friends/family with us, but most of my close friends have babies or small children, which would make it difficult.

Have no intention of being forced into a 'big do' - I've been to some truly dreadful weddings in my time (including one where the bride ended up sobbing in the toilets because the table flowers were 'too orange') and it's helped make my mind up!

squoosh · 28/08/2013 15:46

I wouldn't describe myself as an introvert I just couldn't be bothered planning a wedding and all the labour that entails, I'd be fine if I was given a month and had to do it all, but people who spend a good couple of years picking dresses, choosing a colour scheme, discussing flower arrangements. Every weekend taken up with wedding plans.

Really not my idea of fun.

TenthMuse · 28/08/2013 15:47

That sounds really lovely, Kezztrel - great to hear that there are alternative ways of doing things!

EldritchCleavage · 28/08/2013 15:52

I was 40 and 5 months pregnant when I got married. Old enough to do whatever I wanted. Hormonal enough for no one to want to be too difficult with me about anything.
I recommend it.

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