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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand why more people don't elope?

75 replies

ProbablyNothingBut · 27/08/2013 18:23

So many, many people get themselves into a huge stress over their wedding days, not to mention debt in some cases. I know of a couple who all but bankrupted her parents for the big day. Another where everything bar the brides dress was chosen by the MIL (not paying) who hated the bride anyway... Not to mention so much stress seen on here.

Why do people do it? Isn't the point to be married to the one you love? Isn't stress, misery and debt a bit at odds with that idea?

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 27/08/2013 19:47

We eloped a year ago and nobody has cut us off, that I've noticed.

I find it amazing that people talk about a cheap wedding as being only four grand - I mean, I really hope that doesn't sound snotty, but that is so outside what I'd be willing to spend, it's unreal. We also live several hundred miles from our nearest family and on a different continent to my dad and sister, so if we had a quiet wedding we would be asking them to spring about two to three grand I total for plane tickets, to a tiny event which we didn't consider that significant.

I wanted a marriage, not a wedding, and I have one.

To put it in perspective, DH and I out down a deposit of 13-14k on a house a few months after we got married. If we had spent about a third of that fund on a wedding we would probably still be in rented. Thank goodness my family on both sides is sensible enough that they would rather see us make the commitment of a future home for our children than blow cash on a big party!

They have all visited us this summer in our new home and that was the really special family time, not warching us sat in jeans, signing a form in a registry office!

failingatlife · 27/08/2013 19:48

We didn't want the big wedding thing so had a small Carribean wedding with both sets of parents & my brother & SIL. I couldn't have coped with the attention (am shy & an introvert) if we'd had a big do with all our extended family etc and it would have stressed me out no end.

As a few prev posters have said the focus should be on the marriage not the wedding day. Eloping wasn't for us but I can see the attraction & while I might be a wee bit sad not to be part of it I certainly wouldn't be 'destroyed' if any of my siblings/DC did.

themaltesefalcon · 27/08/2013 19:54

We didn't elope but we had the tiniest wedding possible, far away from most of our respective family and friends.

It was perfect.

I never thought I'd be married because I dreaded dressing up in an ugly dress (to be frank, white looks appalling on most people, and certainly on me) and demanding the attention and presents of a lot of relatives I barely knew. The photos especially- yuck, couldn't have done it. Wedding photos are vile, posed, hideous things in general. The idea of appearing in one fills me with dread.

Then I met the Best Man in the World? who felt the same, thank fuck.

Fortunately the people I love just wanted us to be happy and certainly didn't pretend to be "destroyed" by their lack of invitation. What a fucking stupid concept, as expatinscotland said.

RevoltingPeasant · 27/08/2013 19:55

Just realised I probably sounded a bit evangelical earlier Blush

I am really not a loon with an agenda, just think people should be able to decide how to celebrate their own marriages, and people with very set ideas about the importance of a wedding day might consider that weddings are not important to or enjoyed by everyone. IMO that doesn't mean they shouldn't marry or should be guilted into holding a wedding they don't want, that isn't special to them.

DontmindifIdo · 27/08/2013 19:58

Because a wedding is rarely just about two people getting married. It's also for most people, a family/community/social event. A lot of extended families only get together at weddings, funerals and baptisms, so they matter. There's also the feeling that if you've taken other people's hospitality at their wedding, you have a duty to host the family/community event when it's your turn.

A lot of people while wanting the big day, have no experience in organising events of this size. Then there's the budget stress, if you do have a spare £20k, organising a big wedding is very straight forward because you just pay for stuff, rather than trying to do the same wedding on a smaller budget that involves doing a lot of work yourself. Thats stressful, doesn't mean the end result isn't worth it.

LondonInHighHeeledBoots · 27/08/2013 19:58

I want a wedding as I feel it's about the family and I want to start my own family with my family around us, but my family is very close. I know I'd regret not having my family there, and dp would too. I don't think mil would give a damn if we eloped but my dm would be gutted. she'd not disown me over our or anything but it would really hurt her and I'd hate it too. totally up to the individual concerned.

Ragwort · 27/08/2013 20:01

It is selfish for those close to you to miss out on your big day. How would you feel not being there seeing your DD or DS on their wedding day

What is 'selfish' about it, isn't it equally 'selfish' of the parents to expect their DD or DS to have a big, poncey wedding just to please the parents Hmm?

I would be delighted if my DS eloped, no wedding angst, no complete and utter waste of money.

The 'wedding' is (or should be) such a small part of your committment to marriage that I really don't care if I don't see my son make his vows, what I really want is for him to form a loving relationship with someone whom he genuinely cares for, and that they have a successful marriage. I am not interested in 'the big day'.

DH & I had exactly the same view of our own wedding & we had a tiny wedding (5 guests) & celebrate our 25th this year Grin. No fallings out with any relatives or friends whatsoever.

HorraceTheOtter · 27/08/2013 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ceres · 27/08/2013 20:21

we had a fabulous wedding with our family and friends. we had a fairly small budget which we kept to. we ensured most of the budget was thrown at a nice venue, good food and drink. my dress was fine, photos were shite. the day itself was amazing and totally unforgettable. very little stress involved in the planning and no debt or misery whatsoever.

a friend of mine got married abroad, just the two of them. while she was happy to be married she said she felt lonely on the day - she wanted her friends and family there to share her happiness.

I also know someone who got married on the quiet, just the two of them, and it was the perfect way for them.

people are different, there is more than one way to get married.

motherinferior · 27/08/2013 20:24

Because it's fun to have a party?

Me, I quite fancy a wedding. It's the being married I can't face. Eloping seems like the worst of both worlds.

Beaverfeaver · 27/08/2013 20:26

I wanted to elope to Vegas.
My parents weren't happy even though I thought they would be. I even told them I could have the ceremony broadcasted over the Internet so they could watch from home.

It would have broken their hearts so we had a small wedding in my most favourite place and made sure the celebrations lasted for 2 days.

Best weekend ever

peteypiranha · 27/08/2013 20:33

Having eloped abroad when I was 20 I am hoping for us to renew our vows in vegas one day. Im going to get hammered and go in the casino.

squoosh · 27/08/2013 20:36

I'm amazed at people describing elopements as 'selfish' or 'underhand'. What weird things to say! A wedding is about the two people getting married, if they want a massive fuck off party or if they want to run off together it isn't anyone else's business.

I love the idea of eloping but would be more likely to have an ultra small wedding instead as I'd like my parents to be there.

Frankly, a lot of weddings are quite dull, the more people who elope the better.

RevoltingPeasant · 27/08/2013 20:39

Ceres exactly!! Wedding fascism of any kind is bad. Just do what suits you, don't spend more than you can afford, and don't do anything that will make you regret later.

There, my wisdom has solved the thread Wink

natwebb79 · 27/08/2013 20:55

We met in the middle a couple of weeks ago. Small wedding (just us and 2 witnesses) and a cheap bash in a room above a pub for everybody to come and celebrate. It didn't go too badly. MIL was devastated at first (despite the fact we'd spent a lot of time preparing her for the fact we'd rather stab our own eyes than have a traditional wedding) but she came round. Everybody else was fine. It was bliss! Smile

gettingeasiernow · 27/08/2013 21:15

Totally agree. It has just got ridiculous with weddings. It should just be sincere and intimate. I think it's about liking parties - if you do, you want one to turn your wedding into an occasion. I don't like parties so we just viewed the getting married as necessary in order to be married. We only did it this year and I already struggle to remember the date, but we love every day of being married.

anydreamwilldo · 27/08/2013 21:26

My middle daughter is getting married tomorrow! she told me on Saturday, and I am thrilled. They are absolutely skint, he lost his job two weeks ago so a no-frills do all round. Registry Office, champagne at their favourite local pub, then two nights away in a Bristol Hotel. All of 6 people attending but its what they want. She has allowed me to get some fresh flowers for her bouquet. Its about them, although I feel very strange tonight.

redapricot · 27/08/2013 21:38

Our parents were thrilled to be at our wedding, I enjoyed spending the day with my extended family and it was a nice excuse to get all of us together. Quite a huge guest list due to big families, but we didn't get into debt for it and it was no more stressful than organising any other big event. Most people I know haven't got into debt for their wedding, they've had smaller events according to their means. I think small registry office weddings are fine if the couple don't want a big fuss, but eloping seems a shame if it means that nobody else gets to share the event.

lovepigeon · 27/08/2013 21:41

We eloped to Hawaii and it was lovely, totally magical and stress free. Main reason for doing so was that we are both shy and hate being centre of attention - I have almost a phobia of parties. Add to that we both have massive student debt and would have had to pay for it all ourselves and DF was very snobby and negative when I suggested any options for a budget wedding. I'd never been outside of Europe so it was nice to have a big holiday esp since now we have DC and won't be able to travel anywhere exotic for years. We had a small family meal when we got back so still got to see family that way.

PigOnStilts · 27/08/2013 21:50

Well we eloped.
It was magical.
Of course downsides are that you can't reminisce about it after. Plus lots of noses out of joint...but neither of were willing to fling every penny at a party (let's face it, they're all the same format), my family is massively dysfunctional..... I spent the entire day with my husband, no worries about colour schemes, or favours or any if that nonsense. Had a long bath and glass of champers in the morning, we made the promise to love eachother forever, wrote our own views and nobody else heard them. It was such an intimate moment. We went on a four week road trip around the states...ill always be grateful because our time alone was about to be cut short..... I came back pregnant :)

AgathaF · 27/08/2013 22:10

anydreamwilldo I hope your daughter and her husband, and those of you joining their celebration have a fabulous day tomorrow.

Hippymama · 28/08/2013 09:57

We eloped and it was the best decision we ever made. I was 39+4 weeks pregnant on my wedding day. For us, the important thing was actually being married, not the wedding day itself so sloping was perfect. Everyone we knew wad delighted for us when we told them and if they weren't they didn't show it (not that it would have mattered, our wedding was about us, no-one else!)

Perfect day and one we look back on and know we wouldn't change anything about it.

As an aside, I have two sets of friends who had big weddings and got themselves into debt paying for it. Both sets are now divorced and still paying off the weddings :(

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 28/08/2013 10:32

A wedding is a public commitment to each other - whereas a marriage is the legal process that results in the legal
Status of being 'married'.

They're two different things, surely?

If someone wants to 'be married' then why do they have to publicly declare their commitment to each other in a wedding?

PigOnStilts · 28/08/2013 12:07

But you can refer to your marriage after as a definition of your relationship....wedding is just the party...

Pachacuti · 28/08/2013 12:16

I'd be perfectly happy for my DCs to go off and have a very small quiet wedding, just them and their fiance(e) in a location of their choice. But I would be a bit hurt if they didn't tell me about it in advance (I'd get over it, though).