To NEVER EVER open my front door after dark again?

[HoneyDragon]

I just remembered to put the bottles out for the milk man. Open front door, step out. Next thing

FWAP

the biggest fucking toad ever has LANDED ON MY ACTUAL FOOT.

I screamed a bit. The toad went "bwurk" the dog barked and ran and hid, the toad slid off when I tried to run away.

Milk bottles are now out.

The dog and I are now sat at opposite ends of the sofa avoiding eye contact and feeling like twats.


So I shall simply cease forthwith utilising my front door after sunset and maintain my dignity. Ok?

[TheCuntingPigeon]

Coo. :)

[HugAndRoll]

This made me giggle.

When I was younger and living at home I went to the loo in the middle of the night and a bastard frog lept out of the toilet bowl (it was going to bite my bum I'm sure of it). I screamed and my mum and dad had to come and rescue me. They flushed the frog away and I still have to look down the loo before I sit on it.

[Salmotrutta]

Frogs don't have teeth Hugs!

Just long sticky tongues.

[unlucky83]

riots my DP once really booted a hedgehog down the path in the dark (sober -returning from work -after midnight)...distance of 4m or so - made me get out of bed to see if I thought it was injured ...it was alive and not rolled up but it wasn't moving - didn't move for 30 mins or so but seemed fine .I decided it was just shocked and having a torch shone on it every few minutes probably wasn't helping ...I went to bed!
Dp waited for another hour and it still didn't move - he put a plate of cat food out for the rats it and went to bed...

Thankfully it had gone by morning (and so had the food)...at the time DD2 (5) was hedgehog obsessed - we have a local hedgehog rescue centre - she donated her birthday charity collection there, had been to see the hedgehogs and done her school topic on them ...how I would have managed to hide/disguise a dead hedgehog in the middle of our path before leaving for school I don't know! (and that was what DP was most worried about - how DD would feel about her daddy hurting a hedgehog !)

[mignonette]

I once spent several minutes trying to poke an obstruction down my watering can spout.

It was an obstinate slug.

I tried to overcome my slugophobia by befriending one who lived in the drain. I fed it a lump of cat food every day and it would eat it by putting its entire head on top of the meat and engulfing it.

It grew to the size of a small child's shoe. Then a hedgehog ate it.

[ZadokTheBeast]

Oh this thread is funny!

We used to live in France where the house spiders are somewhat meatier than here. We'd been away from our house for 2 weeks and arrived back early evening. DH was on the phone to his brother and I was changing baby DD into her PJs on the sofa. All of a sudden this MAHOOSIVE fucker of a spider was leaping across the sofa towards me.

Well my maternal instincts kicked in without hesitation. I leapt halfway across the room screaming and DH shouted "what? WHAT?" "HUGE SPIDER" I gibbered. "Where?" "UNDER THE BABY!!!". Yes, dear reader, I had practically thrown my 10 month old DD at the beast before getting myself to safety. If her dad hadn't been there she'd have fallen off the sofa (if she hadn't been dragged back to the creature's lair first).

Next morning I found another one on my towel. DH says it's the vibrations of humans being in the house that keeps them away from inhabited spaces, it's only when you've been away that they move in and take over your sofa.

Fuckers.

[Shaky]

I also had a standing on slug incident boak.

I would much prefer a toad landing on my foot.

I came downstairs a few days ago to find that my twatcat had caught a giant rat and left it at the bottom of the stairs for me, bastard.

[Permanentlyexhausted]

Last summer I was helping DS tidy his room. I picked up a blanket from the floor and came face to face with an enormous hairy house spider. I did what any self-respecting mother would do ... screamed loudly and threw the blanket and the spider at my 7 year old!

[unlucky83]

We used to get slugs on the kitchen floor of a house I rented (big gap under the door) -nothing like stepping on one in bare feet before your first coffee of the day - sadly you can't throw your feet away or erase that from memory...
(From that day on I maintained a 5 cm wide defensive salt line under the door)

[FatherHankTree]

I cut a slug in half once accidentally. Long story. I also tried to move a frog the other day, as it was crouching under my car, I nudged it gently with a stick and the slimy fucker miaowed at me. It was definitely a frog so why did it make a cat noise?

[CatAmongThePigeons]

Oh sweet jesus


Are you sure the dog isnt avoiding eye contact because it would look like this?

[CatAmongThePigeons]

Ffs *like that(see above) at you.

[MollyHooper]

Eek. You'll get a big warty foot now. Fact.

I actually like toads, you're lucky.

Try standing on a snail barefoot, there is no nice bwurking, just a crunch then a scream.

[Ezio]

Thats so funny.

Oh and only bullfrogs go ribbit, all different species have a different sound.

[mignonette]

Zadok Guess I'll be doing the Spider prevention vibro dance until the first frosts now you've told me that.

[MollyHooper]

No fwaping either.

Snails should really beep or light up when you come close to them.

Sharp little fuckers, I remember screeching something about a tetanus and snail poisoning at DH one drunken night.

[HoneyDragon]

Assuming you scream, not the snail? Standing on a snail I'd bad enough. Can you imagine if they let out a little scream too?

[Ezio]

Oh, i got stalked by a bloody cricket, kept hopping through the patio doors. Those little fuckers can jump!!

[MollyHooper]

Holy balls, I was thinking the same thing as I typed that.

Screaming snails just wouldn't work.

[thebody]

I want your dog op. slugs worse to tred on barefoot.

[HoneyDragon]

We've got teeny tiny froglets in the back garden. When dh insists the grass MUST be cut he has to chase them all away first.

[OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly]

I know someone who was clipping her hedge with shears & a frog popped it's head out...guess what happened next...yes cue headless frog which apparently still moved ...

'twas nearly 40 years ago & she still shudders at the memory.

[HoneyDragon]

Here she is then TheBody, my noble protector.

[HoneyDragon]

Aaaaaaaaggh!!

Aaaaaargh

Headless Mobile Frog

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh