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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB and SIL don't want toddler DGS to visit their house

108 replies

Dressingdown1 · 26/08/2013 16:46

DS and his family live abroad and only visit once every 2 or 3 years. DS has always been close to DB but SIL doesn't like children much and they don't have any children. DS and family are currently staying with us and DB and SIL have been to visit us a couple of times and DB in particular has been quite interested in the family and done some nice things with them.

DB has been pressing DS to visit him at his place so the other day, when we knew we would be visiting some friends near DB's we called SIL and asked if we could all pop in. The answer was a definite NO, because of DGS.

DGS is just over 2 and a pretty typical toddler. He does twiddle knobs and play with forbidden things within his reach, but no worse than any other child and better than some (including DS when he was small)

I am upset with DB and so is DS. DB says we are being illogical and absolutely ridiculous to feel like that and we need to get over it. I am surprised by his reaction because he and I are normally very close and see things the same way.

What do you think? I really need some perspective on this situation.

OP posts:
Littleen · 26/08/2013 22:00

Got a bit confused with all the DB and DS etc in your post, but I think I got it right that the family is not welcome because of the kids? I think that is very mean actually O.o I get that not everyone like kids (I am scared of kids), but when they're family, you can't just shut them out like that just because they have kids.

TheSmallClanger · 26/08/2013 22:20

Actually, you can shut them out.

I don't particularly like having small children in the house. DD is 15, so nothing is toddler-proofed any more, thank goodness, and it's more bother than it looks to confine our dogs to the garden, or one room. DD herself also finds younger children very irritating, and other people often don't understand or respect this, as they expect her to want to cuddle babies and look after children while their parents chat.

If I want to meet up with people with little kids, I find some way of doing it away from the house, if I can.

Turniptwirl · 26/08/2013 22:24

Yabu

If she doesn't like children and has no small visitors on s regular basis and therefore not a childproof home, why should she have someone else's toddler thrust upon her for the day?

Two year olds are only fascinating, entertaining adorable little things to their close family and people who love small children. To many others they're snotty, whiney, tantruming brats.

BlingBang · 26/08/2013 22:28

Are you all so charming in real life? A close relative travels from overseas to visit family and that is the reaction you would give?

sameoldIggi · 26/08/2013 22:29

No indication that the toddler is viewed as especially adorable. But, the toddler and his mother surely come as part of the package - if uncle invites visiting-from-abroad nephew round, it would poor manners to tell the wife and child they have to wait somewhere else. Make excuses to not have visitors, but don't make it clear that one is welcome and the others not.

monkeymamma · 26/08/2013 22:33

Hmm, my ds is similar age and can be a whirlwind of destruction. But if DH and I had travelled abroad to visit family and found that a close family member invited DH only to visit I'd be pissed off. It's not like when you're at home - eg where are wife and child supposed to go while the visit is going on?!? I think its extremely rude and sad and yanbu op.

woodlandwanderwoman · 26/08/2013 22:43

Whatever you said there was clearly some kind of damage before this situation which you are not responsible for and may not even be aware of OP, please don't be so hard on yourself. Yanbu xx

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird · 26/08/2013 23:12

What is all this toddler proof/ non toddler proof business?? I have never toddler proofed my own house, I certainly don't expect some sort of soft play environment everywhere I take DS. I think very odd for him to invite your son but for the invitation to not extend to sons child. Sons child is just as much family as son is.

thebody · 27/08/2013 00:25

I am with turnip on this one.

Morloth · 27/08/2013 00:59

Another miserable cunt here.

And I have been the family visiting from overseas.

My house is not particularly toddler friendly now we don't have any very little ones.

We had a friend come over with her 18 month old not long ago and it was horrendous. Poor kid managed to run into a table and choke on some lego. Very stressful.

nooka · 27/08/2013 01:25

Nothing wrong with not wanting to have a toddler visit your house, although generally most parents can keep their small children on a short reign for an hour or two (esp if there is only one child). However if you don't want to have a small child visit your house then you need to tell people.

The OP said that her son visits pretty rarely so his time is probably quite precious. If the OP's brother wanted him to visit his house but specifically not bring his child then he needed to be very explicit about it, and expect that the answer may well be no.

dh and I live abroad and visit family at about the same frequency. The visits are quite stressful as we try and pack a lot in. We would not leave our children with my mum to visit the house of family that we have already seen unless there was a very good reason to do so. On the other hand we might well pop in, with children en route somewhere else.

Seems totally normal to me. The DB is being very defensive about a situation that is of his own making. It probably is to do with some deeper stuff going on, but he cannot expect his family to be mind readers.

WeAreSeven · 27/08/2013 01:33

My guess is the SIL really wanted children, couldn't have them and now finds it hard to be around them.

Motheatenwardrobeofdross · 27/08/2013 01:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooka · 27/08/2013 03:05

It's the OP's son and family that are vising from abroad, not the DB/SIL.

Motheatenwardrobeofdross · 27/08/2013 03:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sashh · 27/08/2013 05:53

I'd probably say the same, my house is just not toddler proof at all. When friends have brought toddlers they have to be watched constantly because I don't want them drinking bleach or alcohol or sticking their fingers in plug sockets.

Sister77 · 27/08/2013 09:12

I said miserable cunts and I stand by that. HOWEVER I am also a MC (soz) in that I don't mind my own kids but other people's are (to me) an annoyance as I'm sure mine are to them.
But I think a short visit for the sake of family unity is acceptable perhaps or arrange to meet somewhere else.
A relative has recently become unwell she was (and probably still is) the most unwelcoming person ever when we were younger and now wants us all to visit take her out etc. No one will go! She's on her own. Sad but self inflicted.

failingatlife · 27/08/2013 09:49

Well I have to say I am flabbergasted at how unwelcoming many of you are Shock. The OP stated they wanterd to 'pop in' as they were nearby, not that they wanted to go for the day or stay overnight. Is it really that hard to have your own relatives come to your house for an hour or two just because they have a toddler, really??

Agree with Mythumbs about toddlerproofing, I had a DS then twins within two years & happily visited family & friends without incident when they were all small.

The DS is only here for a short time & wont be back for several years , ffs I can't believe the uncle & aunt can be so unhospitable! On the other hand if they lived locally & wanted to bring their toddler round regularly I could see how that would be a PITA to someone not keen on kids. But this is surely a one-off so YANBU to be upset.

justanuthermanicmumsday · 27/08/2013 09:57

I would cut ties with them. If my brother or his wife ever said I'm welcome but kids aren't, to me that says I am not welcome because guess what those kids are a part of me. Granted she doesn't like kids, but no one is asking her to have them,they are visiting and will soon leave.

She clearly loathes kids, not just dislikes the thought of having them. we have a saying when I was growing up, people who don't like kids have no mercy in their hearts. I truly believe that look at her stupid stubborn stance? You would simply visit why can't she put up with them for the sake of family bonds? Maybe she's afraid she may actually like the children?

I'm surprised some ppl are saying her house her rules. I say what a load of rubbish what about love and family ties, society that is more important than keeping your house tidy. these days its all about me me me, this lady sounds so selfish and she's clearly having an effect on your brothers outlook too.

MumnGran · 27/08/2013 10:13

A bit stunned that these people seem to think an arriving toddler (for a 'pop-in' - not even a whole day) is going to wreak a path of destruction through the house with no-one controlling or watching what's happening.
Either the SIL is being totally unreasonable OR she has seen the child in action when she visited, and knows that the parents will actually allow carnage to happen while they blissfully ignore.

Would people in RL actually turn away a close relative because they can't handle having a child in one room with them for an hour? because it only needs to be one room! I understand the 'not a child-proof house' attitude, but why is there an assumption that this child will be allowed into kitchens and bathrooms unattended, to find bleach etc? Would you not sit and entertain in a room which doesn't have those risks? surely most ornaments aren't at the height of a two year old?

Why not just say "fine, but please do bring some toys with you"
Or better yet, sit out in the garden where he can run off some energy.

BlingBang · 27/08/2013 10:42

Exactly, it's summer - don't they have a garden. Or could all go to the local park.

Original poster
Dressingdown1 · 27/08/2013 13:41

We live close to DB and are normally in and out of each others' houses most days, so it didn't seem unreasonable to ask if we could all pop in to theirs for a few minutes so that DS and his wife could look at the new extension which has been built since their last visit.

SIL fell out with her own family about 30 years ago and has since fallen out with most of DB's family (apart from us) The relationship with DB is really important to me and I don't want to lose it.

OP posts:
zatyaballerina · 27/08/2013 14:13

If they don't trust you not to stop the toddler from causing damage to their house then it's probably from watching the reactions (or lack of) to his messing with other peoples stuff. I've barred a couple of people from my house due to their failure to properly supervise their toddlers. From the one who shrunk hundreds of euros worth of delicate clothes from changing the settings from cold wash to 90 degrees without my notice 'he always does that' according to his mother who never bothered stopping him to the one hurt himself pulling a mirror on his head (and broke my mirror).

Until someone has toddlers they have no idea what to look out for, they just know that some need to be kept out of the house for their own safety and to protect the homeowner from financial loss because those who are supposed to be preventing them from causing harm, don't.

thebody · 27/08/2013 16:02

posters need to read the op. the op is the grandmother. it's her son visiting with her grandchild. the ops brother ( so sons uncle and child's great uncle) who asked for his nephew to pop in.

the 'sil' is the ops sil and really not a close relation to the child, well great aunt I suppose.

these arnt close relatives.

thebody · 27/08/2013 16:07

op your relationship with your brother is yours and noone else's.

it shouldn't depend upon your sil not wanting your grand child to visit. yes it's a bit of an odd one but your brother is supporting his wife here and that's how it should be. whatever the reason for her unwillingness to have your grand child in her house.

she might not want to share her reasons so you be best to let it go.