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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go to this hen do?

58 replies

YalleyoftheDolls87 · 26/08/2013 10:11

So a friend is getting married and has planned it for 2015. Happy for her.

My friend does like to be the centre of attention a lot, which is fine but in that respect we are very opposite people.

She has decided that we are all going to go to Ibiza for her hen do. I said to her sorry but I just wouldn't be able to afford it but would go out for any kind of hen do she planned at home.

Her response, "well it's two years away so surely you can save up?"

Now I suppose this is true, but surely saving up for this would mean sacrificing something else. Like a holiday with my partner or getting the house re-decorated.

Aibu to think if you want a hen do abroad then great go for it but don't expect everyone to want to or be able to afford to go.

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 26/08/2013 10:17

I'm with you. I would hate the idea of a hen party abroad.

She's right though in saying you have two years to save up. I think you'll just have to say that you don't want to go, but I don't know how you do that without hurting her feelings. Maybe saying you are saving up for (insert something) else, so simply won't be able to afford it even if it is that far in advance.

Hopefully someone will give you a good idea of how you get out of it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/08/2013 10:18

YANBU. Why should you have to save up your hard-earned dosh for that? Attending a wedding isn't cheap and sure you don't mind forking out for that but it gets a bit ridiculous when you have to add the cost of a trip abroad on top of that.

It seems to be a trend amongst younger brides. The bridezilla effect! If you can't afford it she should accept that.

DoctorRobert · 26/08/2013 10:21

yanbu. I purposefully had a cheap and cheerful hen do in my good town so everybody would be able to afford it.

DoctorRobert · 26/08/2013 10:22

home town, it's not that good here!

Bunbaker · 26/08/2013 10:22

Why do people plan expensive hen dos and then get shirty when their invitees don't want/can't afford to go?

What is wrong with a meal out and a few drinks?

GrandstandingBlueTit · 26/08/2013 10:25

I would go to Ibiza for a good friend's hen do with bells on, but, regardless, YADNBU.

If you're going to spend two years - two years! - saving up for something, it'd better bloody well be something of your choosing, that you will get enjoyment from.

Missgiraffe1 · 26/08/2013 10:25

YANBU. I had my hen do at the sonar festival in Barcelona, and I organised my best friends for the worldwide festival in sete (south if France). We planned them well in advance to give friends who wanted to join us plenty time to save. It was really just an excuse for a girlie holiday (well, why not?! )
However, there was nothing bridezilla about it. We both understood when friends said they couldn't make it. There was never an issue with that. We also had a 'hen do part 2' at which everyone could make.
You would have to be pretty selfish to expect everyone to fall in with your overseas hen do plans, regardless of how much notice you give.

mrsjay · 26/08/2013 10:25

Don't go if you don't want to stick to your guns dont let her guilt you into going, my sister was a bridesmaid recently the bride had 2 Dos one abroad and one at home for the ones who couldnt make abroad but the home one was at a hotel for the weekend sigh If people want to go abroad thats great but they shouldn't feel they have to go because it is a friends hen/stag do, it is a peace of nonsense imo

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/08/2013 10:28

Thing is, unless you are all young, free and single then you will always exclude someone by doing that, or cause problems for them in some way. Some people might have a partner and children and mortgage. Others might have few ties so maybe fewer outgoings. My family and THEIR needs will always be my first consideration so that is where my money goes - someone getting a cob on because I won't take money away from my dh and children to spend on some forced merriment jaunt to Ibiza with fake penises and matching fancy dress can take a hike. I have my OWN family holidays to pay for, thank you!

DeweyDecibelle · 26/08/2013 10:29

I'd just explain nicely to the friend that a holiday in Ibiza is REALLY not my thing, and that I'd rather not go. Perhaps offer to do something else just the two of you so she doesn't feel slighted? If she's a good friend surely she knows you well enough to take it with good grace. Good luck!

mrspaddy · 26/08/2013 10:30

Yanbu and she is rude to suggest you should save. I deliberately had one within an hour of everyone because two girls were pregnant. I has a birthday cake for one of the girls. I think it shouldn't be all about the bride. He could compromise and have a girly night at home too for people who can't go. I have seen some where women organise something for charity... Pink party. It is a lovely gesture.

mrspaddy · 26/08/2013 10:30

She

TeaAndABiscuit · 26/08/2013 10:33

YANBU. Hen do or not, it would be my idea of hell.
You could offer to take your friend out for a meal to celebrate? Although you shouldn't feel obliged to do anything-her choice to go abroad.

squoosh · 26/08/2013 10:35

I'd go love to go to a close friend's hen in Ibiza but YADNBU to just tell her 'no'.

You have better things to spend your time and money on. To be honest I'd find it quite enjoyable to tell someone as cheeky as she sounds.

Silverfoxballs · 26/08/2013 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catgirl1976 · 26/08/2013 10:36

YANBU

I get sick of these and I never go

If I can afford a holiday I want to take it with DS and DH - not a load of friends for a hen do in Shagaluf

Night out in nearby city or something yes.

Long weekend abroad no.

specialsubject · 26/08/2013 10:36

getting hammered in Ibiza? Not my thing, and sounds like not yours either. So just tell her that, and wish her a good time.

bridezilla starting early - stay clear.

MidniteScribbler · 26/08/2013 10:39

Yuck, not my idea of fun.

But for a quiet life, you could tell her you're saving up. Then in two years time when she announces the date "oh bugger, that clashes with xxxx, I won't be able to go."

mrsjay · 26/08/2013 10:41

I agree with specialsubject it really isn't all about the money sounds like you just dont want tog o and that is ok not to want to

Original poster

YalleyoftheDolls87 · 26/08/2013 10:43

It's not so much that I don't want to go as it wouldn't be my idea of hell. It's just I don't know if I could justify spending that much on a hen do and then probably being expected to go to the second hen do too.

And attending the wedding itself.

With all this together the cost would easily be £500 - £750.

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 26/08/2013 10:44

Could this be where a sudden, horrific fear of flying might help?

squoosh · 26/08/2013 10:45

I wouldn't bother with excuses, I'd just tell her in the chummiest way possible that you won't be going.

Mia4 · 26/08/2013 10:50

YANBU but I would say that goes for any expensive hen do-not just abroad. Will your DH be going on the stag do?

WeeS · 26/08/2013 10:53

YANBU!

I detest the new craze for hens & stags, it's risiculous. DP went on a stag in Benidorm when I was 30+ weeks pregnant, then in the few months before the wedding they managed to squeeze in a further 2 'stags' - all for one persons wedding? Ridiculous. I calculated DP would've spent over £1000 in all. That's money that we really need right now.

OP, can you explain that you & your DP have lots of things to save for in the next few years & that DP has turned down going a stag abroad? Even if its a white lie, maybe she'll back off. Suggesting a night out for dinner is a good idea.

I had to refuse an invite to a hen last year because they wanted £200+ for 2 nights away & I was starting my business & didn't have the money - I got serious grief for it, so I understand. I really wish I'd told a white lie because apparently "I can't afford it" wasn't good enough!

Pawprint · 26/08/2013 10:55

She's a cheeky mare - why should you save up your cash for her skanky sounding do?

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