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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go to this hen do?

58 replies

YalleyoftheDolls87 · 26/08/2013 10:11

So a friend is getting married and has planned it for 2015. Happy for her.

My friend does like to be the centre of attention a lot, which is fine but in that respect we are very opposite people.

She has decided that we are all going to go to Ibiza for her hen do. I said to her sorry but I just wouldn't be able to afford it but would go out for any kind of hen do she planned at home.

Her response, "well it's two years away so surely you can save up?"

Now I suppose this is true, but surely saving up for this would mean sacrificing something else. Like a holiday with my partner or getting the house re-decorated.

Aibu to think if you want a hen do abroad then great go for it but don't expect everyone to want to or be able to afford to go.

OP posts:
FredFredGeorge · 26/08/2013 11:03

"You're right, or another idea, you could save up for the 2 years and treat me!"

YANBU, don't go.

OhTinky · 26/08/2013 11:07

It's two years away so you can be non-committal about attending for a few months/year yet! You'll also find that as time gets on other people will have money worries/pregnancy/etc and will not be going. A lot can happen in two years, so I wouldn't worry about it yet!

KatieScarlett2833 · 26/08/2013 11:09

I would rather drink my own piss than go to Ibiza on a hen week.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 26/08/2013 11:25

YANBU. But not being able to afford it doesn't seem to be accepted by brides/grooms as a good enough excuse ime.

Apparently, stag nights involving weekends in Amsterdam, plus a whole day paintballing, plus a massive curry and clubbing night in London, on 3 consecutive weekends are completely reasonable according to one of my dear old friends. This was years ago when we'd just had ds1 and moved house - a newborn baby at home also isn't seen as a good enough excuse Hmm DH didn't attend all of the list of events and there was hell to pay. We're talking screeching down the phone at us

You might have to just be honest and say "Ibiza is just not my thing, sorry" - but be prepared for bridezilla fall-out. But then why should people be pressurised into stupidly expensive stag/hen do's?

MintyChops · 26/08/2013 11:27

I'm with Katie, my idea of hell. Why should you spend hundreds of hard-earned savings on a holiday you don't want to go on celebrating someone else's choices? It's hard to explain to someone who has already reacted like she has though. I think being firm and consistent will be your best approach "No, I won't be able to afford that, we are already saving for our holidays and just can't manage any more even with so much notice. Why not have a night out at home for those who can't get to Ibiza, I'd love to help organise it". Good luck!

StayAwayFromTheEdge · 26/08/2013 11:28

I can't imagine anything worse that a hen do in Ibiza. San "no" and stick to it!

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/08/2013 11:40

"With all this together [hen dos and wedding] the cost would easily be £500 - £750."

I would just have to ask her, did she consider herself my top priority for spending that amount of money? Did she not consider that I might have other priorities?

Sorry, but I do not consider it a good idea to soft-soap her over this. Her wedding is two YEARS from now, she would be the most horrendous bridezilla by then if she is not disabused of the notion now. I don't think it's kind, if you consider her a friend, to stand back and let her make a complete tit of herself.

EllesAngel · 26/08/2013 11:42

YANBU These week long hen/stag nights are getting ridiculous. They're not too bad if they're truly optional, eg. if you can join us then great, if not then we'll catch up some other time. Those who demand that you go are simply arrogant, selfish idiots who seem to think they have the right to demand how you spend your money.

mrsjay · 26/08/2013 11:43

if you want to go and can afford it meaning saving for 2 years isn't going to have a huge impact on the family money then go you dont need to justify it , it is a thing you have been invited too and it doesn't matter if it is just you that is going iyswim, but if you really cant afford it without going short then dont go

Kundry · 26/08/2013 13:03

The arrogance in thinking that several people all want to spend £500 plus, days of their annual leave entitlement and time away from their families, just because you are getting married, is staggering.

FGS it doesn't take 2 years to plan a wedding either. And then presumably she'll be upset because the guests haven't kept their lives on hold so are pregnant, moved away, getting married themselves etc - all done just to ruin her day...

Sorry but your friend is hopelessly narcissistic. You can hang around, hoping this is a temporary madness brought on by exposure to Brides magazine or move on and find a friend who appreciates that you are not simply a walk-on part in her movie.

FreudiansSlipper · 26/08/2013 13:12

YANBU

It is her choice to have such an extravagant hen do not for her to tell others to save up for it

I would rather spend my money going away with ds

Iamsparklyknickers · 26/08/2013 13:20

YANBU.

I will not be told by anyone how to manage my finances for their benefit. To save for one holiday would impact my savings for my own planned holidays/home improvements in the two years running up to it. But then that's nobodies business but my own.

I've been blunt and told people I can't afford to do things that are much less extravagant than a holiday - it's only happened a couple of times that people have been rude enough to think they can tell me how to spend my money, and I have no problem what-so-ever pointing out that it's none of their business what I choose to prioritise and any reason I don't want to do something is good enough, not an invitation to start life-coaching me.

Glittertwins · 26/08/2013 13:25

Ibiza is my idea of hell and I don't exactly like hen parties either. Don't feel pressurised into going, it's not just financial (and easily £500 on air fares/taxes/hotel alone), what about things that can't be saved up for, like annual leave from work?

ilovecolinfirth · 26/08/2013 13:41

Thanks for the lovely invite. To be honest it's not really my thing and as it will be quite expensive I think I'll give it a miss thanks. However, I'd love to help organise a meal out as way of an additional celebration.

How does that sound? Btw you are not being unreasonable. X

theoriginalandbestrookie · 26/08/2013 16:15

YANBU, I wouldn't dress it up or pretend that you might come - that way leads to all sorts of problems.

Can't imagine anything worse than spending hundreds on a holiday and then having your wardrobe and itinary dictated to you oh and more than likely having to fork out £££ for a drinks kitty which will be looked after by the world's biggest lush and the bridetobe won't have to contribute to because she's the bride isn't she. Gawd, makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.

I like Ilovecolinfirths response, polite with no wiggle room.

thebluestofwhales · 26/08/2013 17:38

I didn't go to my own sister's hen do (week away in Ibiza style thing) exactly because it wasn't my thing, it was a week away with people I didn't know that well, I couldn't afford it, and even if I could, I get precious little time with DP and didn't want to use a week's leave for that.

She was fine. I think I expressed it slightly less bluntly than the above, but it wasn't an issue. I didn't have the money and I'm older than the rest of the people who were going, who were more of the footloose and fancy free type.

I think most people know that a week away is actually a big deal, and it's incredibly cheeky of your friend to suggest that you spend two years saving for her party when you have a family of your own to come first!

I know people who are attending several weddings this year and imagine if every one of them was planning this kind of event - it's ridiculous and of course you wouldn't be able to go to all of them! Sorry but if she is sad because people can't go then she should hold something local and affordable.

Original poster
YalleyoftheDolls87 · 26/08/2013 17:47

I don't think it's kind, if you consider her a friend, to stand back and let her make a complete tit of herself.

I don't really get what you mean...?

You think I should tell her not to have a hen do away because she will become a bridezilla and make a tit of herself?

And if I don't I'm being unkind?

OP posts:
skyeskyeskye · 26/08/2013 18:01

My friend is getting married in the Caribbean in 2015. It is fantastic to be invited but realistically it will cost around £3000 for me and DD and I don't have that money.

But my friend totally understands. Although she did say, well it's not much for ten days in Caribbean and you've git two years to save up....

But to do that would mean me and DD having no holidays for those two years and I would rather spend my money on my holiday than her wedding.

So YANBU. Just tell her that you go not have the money and would rather spend it on family holidays.

PrincessFlirtyPants · 26/08/2013 18:05

YANBU, would not be my idea of fun at all.

My friend is trying to convince me to go away to the Seychelles or the Maldives with her for two weeks at £4000 she can't understand why I would want to go to a romantic paradise island with my DH Hmm

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/08/2013 18:30

"I don't really get what you mean...?"
What I mean is, the easiest thing to do in this kind of situation is to avoid confrontation and lie, making out that there is some other reason that you just can't go (or even worse, to knuckle under and save for two years just to attend a hen do). Either way, your friend doesn't have to confront the idea that SHE is making unreasonable demands on her friends, and so she doesn't change her behaviour one whit. And so she alienates friends along the way and yes, makes a complete tit of herself.

"You think I should tell her not to have a hen do away ... ?"
No, I think you should tell her you won't be attending because you don't want to spend that much money/time on her hen do, and that her response of "well it's two years away so surely you can save up?" is just fucking ridiculous.

Or you could just say nothing/prevaricate, and let her continue in this vein, alienates friends along the way and yes, makes a complete tit of herself.

Revengeofkarma · 26/08/2013 22:23

If a friend can't understand why their wedding isn't other people's top priority, a) I fear for the marriage because the wedding is a day and the marriage is all he days that come after, and b) you need better friends.

I hereby give you official guilt free permission to skip the hen do.

And the wedding!

Darkesteyes · 26/08/2013 22:29

BunbakerMon 26-Aug-13 10:22:59

Why do people plan expensive hen dos and then get shirty when their invitees don't want/can't afford to go?

Because they spend too much time reading celeb mags and want to emulate what theyve got rather than actually paying attention to whats going on for most people in regards to the economic climate.

Darkesteyes · 26/08/2013 22:44

Screaming down the phone at people who dont want to or cant come to the hen/stag do?
Telling other people how to manage or prioritize their money?
Seems financial abuse is as prevelent in some friendships as it is some relationships.
A friend who cant understand "i cant afford it" is not your friend.

QueenBach · 26/08/2013 22:46

Screaming down the phone at people who dont want to or cant come to the hen/stag do?

Did I miss a post? When did that happen?

sooperdooper · 26/08/2013 22:54

I hate it when people plan huge things like this and then say 'oh but it's x time away so you can save' assuming that people want to save for it, and not wanting to spend that amount of cash on the particular thing because it's not something they fancy isn't a good enough excuse!

It's the same when some people get married abroad and say the same, you can't organise something costing hundreds/thousands of pounds and think just because it's ages off people should definitely go