to tell xp that his finances are not my problem

[thatisall]

Where to start?
XP and separated almost 7 years ago on weird terms (he was a cheat and a manipulative one) we remained uncomfortable friends if that makes sense. After several months of 'friendship' for dd sake but no maintenance/support at all, I contacted the CSA.

He was incensed that he had to pay 200 towards her every month. His payments have not been reassessed since then.

A few weeks ago whilst speaking to the CSA about a missing payment (he had paid, they had not passed it on) they suggested we check a few details were still correct as it had been so long. The fact that he changed jobs a few years ago was logged as a change.
When I say he changed jobs, he went from working in a call centre to something with what would now appear to be much better pay. I am confident, CONFIDENT that he told me he had already told the CSA.

Anyway today xp arrives to collect dd and 'wants a word'. It seems his pay has gone up dramatically and the CSA feel he may need to pay more and that as he is responsible for updating them he may have to pay the difference for the last 3 years.

XP asked me to tell them to stop the reassessment and agree to him paying an extra few quid per month (20 was his suggestion) directly to me without CSA involvement and to forget any debt that may have been accrued. He then implied that if I allowed the CSA to properly reassess him then the debt may be so large that he would struggle to be able to afford to see dd and then she would suffer and all because 'i want his money'.

This tells me that he knows he has been underpaying and quite dramatically by the sound of it. I'm bit that XP is still trying to manipulate me or that he thinks he still can! For years he could get his way by saying 'just think of what that would do to dd' or 'for dd's sake' but really it would be for his sake.

I don't want dd to suffer or miss seeing her df but i refuse to believe that times would be so tough that he couldn't afford to see his child!? Or that the CSA would enforce payments that would cause that??

Anyway in a shock move even to me, I remained cool as a cucumber and said 'with all due respect, this isn't my problem'

Honestly this is so unlike me that he was visibly taken aback. He picked up the CSA letter, announced that he would speak to a legal person and left with dd.

I'm struggling to sleep now wondering if i am being cold, spiteful or even cruel. Am i causing problems where there don't need to be any? We could definitely use that extra money however much it is.
The fact that I can't sleep also makes me wonder whether I am once again being manipulated

Am I being unreasonable?

[BrokenSunglasses]

If I'd paid for it, I'd want to know that it had happened and how much it cost.

I really can't understand why people seem to be making such a big deal out of this.

I don't give my ex details of what I've spent his regular maintenance money on because it just goes towards bills, but when I've asked him for an extra £40 to pay for half of this years scouts subs, (as an example) then I forward the email I received asking for it just so he knows for certain that I'm not just after money for a new handbag. We respect each other, so it just seems the polite thing to do tbh.

[ivykaty44]

needaboliday the law disagrees with you for very good reason - thankfully

[BrokenSunglasses]

Tension, you don't need to 'lay bare your finances' to show where a NRPs money is going FFS!

My ex doesn't get a copy of my bank statement or receipts for my petrol with a written explanation of exactly where I went and how many miles away it was. He just gets a copy or an email of expenses directly relating to his own children. My choice, not his. It's helped build up the trust between us in a new relationship as parents rather than as life partners, and its just a small part of the open communication we aim to have over our children. You are taking it to the extreme.

[ivykaty44]

The law can stop the NRP from asking if it is a nuisance.

[BrokenSunglasses]

It's a shame that we even need to consider the law when referring to adults who have chosen to become parents with other adults.

[thatisall]

I think it's fine for broken glasses to handle finances that way but unfair for her to imply that other may not be 'acting like adults' if they do not. Re: earlier comment

[BrokenSunglasses]

I don't think I did imply that with any of my earlier comments, but if I had intended to then I wouldn't have been wrong if I'd have been talking about your ex who appears to begrudge spending money on his own child.

When I first mentioned the way we do things, I was trying to be helpful!

[thatisall]

"Why can't people just behave like adults and ....." Does imply that those who don't do things the way that you do are not behaving like adults? No?

I say each to their own, if it works for you then fine but I think it's clear in my op that it would never work with my xp

[Lweji]

If you have to ask for extra money, then fair enough to explain where it's going to.
Assuming you are getting enough from the NRP.

[BrokenSunglasses]

Yes, it does imply that, but I didn't say it.

It's not clear from your OP that it wouldn't help because you said your ex implied ''I want his money'' and you said that he says things like ''for dds sake''.

I thought that if you could show that it wasn't you that wanted the money and that it would benefit your child then he wouldn't be able to reasonably use those words against you. But clearly I was wrong.

[WithConfidence]

Broken, the problem is you are expecting an unreasonable person to become reasonable if he is treated with respect and courtesy. An unreasonable person won't, they will find something else to be unreasonable about. Or they will use the situation to their advantage in some way.

Often people split up because one person is unreasonable. So there is no point in acting like an adult, you have to draw boundaries and engage as little as possible.

And frankly I've got enough to do with looking after ds, running a house and trying to get a life without scanning receipts (appreciate it is maybe easy if you have a smart phone type thing).

[Darkesteyes]

Its a good job the law CAN stop the NRPs from asking if its a nuisance otherwise it would be a financial abusers wet dream.

[CorrinaKedavra]

My XH asked for receipts once when he wasn't even paying anything. I took great delight in collating and sending them but his response was to quit work and not get another job for ten years.

[thatisall]

Needaholiday Couldn't give a monkeys about his money, wouldn't ask what he does with it or comment on it as long as he's paying what he should for the child we both made

[CorrinaKedavra]

Pressed post too soon. CSA rang me several time before the summer saying he had a job now and was assessed at x amount but because he had a history of non-compliance it might take two months to get the payment through from his employer. Guess what? Still nothing.

He is living with Mummy who won't let him starve on JSA sanctions so he has given his job up and if he is sanctioned then there will be no £1.80 per fortnight which I used to get for DD while he was on benefits.

CSA need proper teeth to deal with these scumbags.

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

needsaholidaynow that would also fall under harassment if it was persistent and intrusive. Or are you trying to imply there are double standards here?

[thatisall]

I suspect that there will be something of an update on this tonorrow when dd is dropped off. He'll have had time to regroup and probably speak to mates about it. He was already muttering on about deductions for however many nights a year she's with him (less than 52, way less).
I'm just hoping that dd hasn't overheard any of his discussions :-S

[FiftyShadesofGreyMatter]

Say to him "so you are telling me that you have knowingly underpaid money for your daughter for three years and now you are being asked to pay the amount you should you are threatening not to see her? Our daughter would be devastated to know that you appeared to care so little for her that you would do this". Puts the responsibility for his actions firmly back with him.

^^ Send this in an email, then you will hopefully have his response in writing.

[pigletmania]

Yanbu at all,good on you. I gather your the resident parent, who does he think pays and looks after her whilst hes not with her! No he has responsibilities too

[pigletmania]

Oh fiftyshades thats good, play him at his game